Two Years Later

February 7, 2016

Flight: 146

Arrival: Tokyo, Japan

Departure Status: Boarding

Kyungsoo’s eyes scanned the electronic board, filling with different information for the many flights being sent out, some flickering to show changing statuses but most staying in their original position. He slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans, his mind disconnected from the rest of him as his wide pupils fell on a flight from Sydney that was just cancelled.

Overhead, Kyungsoo could hear the engines of an incoming plane roaring as it skidded onto a runway on the other side of the large airport. He began to wonder where that flight had come from, and what the passengers were coming for. Was it a happy occasion, like a wedding, or a sad one like a funeral? Were they returning home or had they just arrived thousands of miles away from home?

Every one of those could’ve been a possibility; after all, no one’s story is exactly the same.

Kyungsoo’s thoughts traced back to Baekhyun and Chanyeol, who were probably still trying to get comfortable on the plane they just boarded. Both of them had been planning the trip, saving up any extra money they could scrape from their middle class jobs to put towards this vacation.

They needed a ride to the airport, and even though it was early on a Saturday morning, Kyungsoo complied. After all, he wanted to bid them farewell properly, telling them to enjoy their vacation while he was stuck in his quiet apartment, living off of bad reality TV and kimchi spaghetti for one.

“Excuse me,” an older man muttered, giving Kyungsoo no time to move before the man pushed himself through to look at the board, the leather side bad hanging loosely off of his hip bumping painfully into Kyungsoo’s ribs. A tailored suit clad to his body and his hair slicked down, there was no doubt to him that the man was going on a business trip, but he didn’t get a good glimpse of the stranger’s face.

“My apologies,” Kyungsoo mumbled to the man shyly, extending his neck and bending down before backing away onto the main walkway, moving at a much slower pace than anyone else. He didn’t have anything to do before he was confined in his isolated home, stuck behind a computer screen with nothing else to put himself at, and he really didn’t want to have to experience that for the nth night in a row.

For a Saturday at one of the busiest airports in the world, it wasn’t as packed as it was the last few times he had been there—one to send Jongdae to live in China. Though the married couple was just going for a couple of weeks, Jongdae packed for China to be his permanent home. He had promised to come visit every once in a while, but Kyungsoo knew that could take years.

The gate where he had said his goodbyes to his best friends at was now emptying, save a few flight attendants, and Kyungsoo watched intently, the only one still at the deserted gate, palms pressed against the warm glass of the window. The large plane, the words “Korean Air” neatly painted and pressed above the many windows lining the side of the plane, a few already shut.

Somehow fascinated by such a simple, everyday happening, Kyungsoo couldn’t take his eyes off of the engines, now spinning at an unbelievably fast pace, as the plane drove away into the rising sun, the last signs of night being whisked away by the soft breeze of a late winter morning.

When the plane was out of sight, Kyungsoo stood up from his crouched position, knuckles white as he gripped the sill of the stretched out window for balance. Joining the crowd of an expressionless, lifeless society, Kyungsoo’s steps were even, making a rhythm out of the clicking of his sneakers against the tiled floors. He lifted his hand up to his hair—one of his habits when he had nothing to keep his fingers busy with—and ran it through his cropped, dark brown locks, the pads of his slender fingers ghosting the scar across one side of his head, its existence still prominent and bulging from the rest of his skin.

His thoughts, which had been blank, now switched to the past, a usual reaction when anything brushed his scar. It was like the scar was a lean, ugly button, and anyone or anything that felt it controlled his mind to switch to what once was rather than what is now.

Not much had changed in the twenty four months since he had lost Jongin. All of his original friends had graduated college, something he didn’t get to do because of his now ex lover. Jongdae immediately packed his bags, deciding to go back to China and enjoy the culture for a while. There was barely a goodbye, like he had already forgotten about everything he ever built up in Korea while he was still here.

He was still in touch with Ryeowook, who was now much busier as a middle-class surgeon, and he even called Yunho to wish him well every once in a while. He couldn’t afford to lose anyone else like he did Jongin and Jongdae, so he made sure to keep in touch with the few people he actually cared about anymore.

There weren’t a lot.

As for his writing, it had been dropped two months ago after it became depressing, a nuisance in his boring lifestyle. Yunho had called him one day to inform him of his profit money from the copies of his books being sold, doing the math and letting Kyungsoo know that if he stayed in his small, rundown apartment complex, he wouldn’t have to get a job for the rest of his life, even if he used his entertainment budget extensively.

Kyungsoo would’ve never guessed that so many versions of three hundred pages full of crafted misery and alternative universes as a getaway from reality would eventually get him so far.

Jongin, as far as Kyungsoo was concerned, was doing well himself. Dynamic had skyrocketed, every teenage girl he ever passed on the street mumbling about how hot Kris was or how jealous they were of Minjun to be with such good-looking boys. Kyungsoo often snorted at their remarks, a sadistic smile growing on his face, coming from nowhere in particular.

It took a hiatus from relationships, but Kyungsoo had long since moved on from him.

Snapping back into reality from the scream of “oppa!”, Kyungsoo took in his surroundings quickly, his head coming with his eyes as they flickered around. His legs, on autopilot, had somehow delivered him to yards from the entrance—or exit—to Incheon.

And what he saw surprised him.

In neat rows, hundreds of teenage girls sat, all with cell phones or self-made signs and in normal clothes, as opposed to their regular school uniform. Many people walked down the row, but none were the people they waited for. Kyungsoo couldn’t catch a glimpse of any of the signs, a pang of curiosity filling his system.

Kyungsoo found the last of the row, stepping behind them and crossing his arms over his chest, the only man waiting to see exactly what was going on.

It didn’t take long for the girls, all of differing appearances, to scream and stand up. Kyungsoo peered over the row, trying to get a good look at who was walking through, but he had to stand on his toes to even get down to their eyes.

Many men, dressed in black, walked in front and behind what looked like four people, three boys and one girl. One of the men looked much older, probably the manager. His curiosity now disappearing with his sense of care, Kyungsoo was about to leave, nothing interesting to him occurring, until he heard something.

“Kai oppa!” It was no doubt from a fan, but that name sounded so familiar, so unexplainably important to him even though it wasn’t a natural Korean name. It took him a minute… Kyungsoo’s eyes widened considerably, hurrying to get a closer look.

The first boy of the younger ones had blond hair, stopping just below his sunglasses to hide his eyes. He was extremely tall, towering over all of the others and even some of the security guards. His lips were pursed, and he had a tank top and sweatpants on, something Kyungsoo never would’ve expected an idol to wear.

He did notice the girl, but she was too far ahead of the group to look at, in a rush to get away from the flashing cameras all around. The one trailing behind, however, was the one that caught his eye. Kyungsoo’s gaze followed sunken, glazed over eyes that told a pained, mysterious story in one look. A sharp jawbone and tan, taut skin. Chocolate brown hair with a backwards cap sitting over the effortlessly tousled locks. Someone so youthful, yet so masculine, that it could only be one person.

And one person he used to know better than himself.

Gazing around with an exhausted expression, eyes half lidded, Jongin took a look at the fans, waving to them half-heartedly, and Kyungsoo quickly prayed to whoever was listening that he would see him.

His prayer was answered effortlessly, as Jongin’s gaze quickly passed him, only to snap back almost instantly. Kyungsoo watched his pupils shrink, his eyes so wide that it almost made his purpling sockets look normal. His mouth slightly parted, Jongin slid to a stop in his tracks, his eyes locked on Kyungsoo’s.

Time felt like it slowed to a stop, Kyungsoo’s heart throbbing in his throat. The walls he had built around himself quickly crumbled, any protection he had fought to make for himself rapidly disassembled. He thought he saw Jongin’s irises glaze over—more than they already were—and the purple underbrush of his sunken eyes mixed with a faded red lining briefly.

But before either could say anything, Jongin was nudged from his position by an irritated looking bodyguard, leaving Jongin no choice. He continued to look back, locking eyes with Kyungsoo and each time with a more distraught expression, like a kicked puppy, before they were climbing into the van.

All of the girls began to disperse, some going to the van with them while most dispersed and left to go better their time somewhere else. Kyungsoo was frozen, his arms led at his sides. He had always convinced himself he would be okay, that he didn’t need Jongin.

But this was cold, hard, realistic proof that he did.

When the gears began to churn inside his head once more, Kyungsoo unhooked himself from the position he was in, taking steps towards the parking lot to go home to his apartment. He felt alien, not like himself anymore, the wounds of so long ago now being slashed open once more, coloring his insides with emotions he couldn’t explain.

By the time the automatic doors slide open, the heavy breeze smacking Kyungsoo across the face, the van is gone and so were most of the fans, walking in groups or pairs and peering down into their cameras to see if they got good shots of their idols. Disappointed that he couldn’t see Jongin again, Kyungsoo kept his head bent, staring at his black tennis shoes as he made his way through the lined rows of cars, quickly locating his own.

He was just about to open the door to his unlocked automobile when a gentle, soft, “Hi, hyung,” was heard, the breath of the person flowing into his neck, only to be stopped by his skin as if it was a brick wall.

Kyungsoo jumped, his heart quickening its steady beats as his body whipped around, only to face a miserably fake smile, starched white with products to make them shine brighter than any normal person’s teeth. It didn’t reach his eyes, or even make his cheekbones rise.

His eyes, though, were wide and full of joy, despite the past in the dark orbs.

“You scared the hell out of me! I thought you left!” Kyungsoo cried, now pressing a hand against his chest to calm his startled heart, the blood pumping in his ears from both the scare and the presence of his confusing ex lover.

The smile fell, now replaced with a sheepish, apologetic expression. “Sorry… We did leave, but I saw you and I told them to stop the car so I could talk to you… hi, hyung,” he repeated, his boyish features now showing despite how tired he looked.

“Hi, Jongin,” Kyungsoo responded blandly, unsure of what to think. One part of him told him to hug Jongin and tell him everything would be okay, but the other, more logical part of him screamed at him to forget about him completely and move on for good.

Of course, it was hard to forget with him standing inches away, a welcoming, familiar look ghosting his beautiful features, so the first option stuck.

The look in his eyes was something he knew well; it was the twinkle of some forbidden emotion, the look he used to give Kyungsoo every night before bed. The older man just watched him carefully. “What exactly is your purpose for this, Jongin?”

The happy façade quickly dropped, his mind clearly registering how to speak his thoughts as he looked down at his twiddling thumbs. “I, uh… wanted to… apologize for what happened all that time ago…” he trailed off, finally lifting his head up to lock his gaze with Kyungsoo’s. The smell of the cologne slathered all over Jongin’s body, definitely one that he never used before, attacked Kyungsoo’s nose with every intake of breath.

The silence could be cut in half with a knife. Jongin continued to watch Kyungsoo warily, while millions of thoughts raced through the other’s mind, so many things to say, so many unanswered questions with little time to ask them. Finally growing closer to speaking something, Kyungsoo opened his mouth, his mind in overdrive as he spoke in annoyance.

“Is that it? Is that all you could come up with, Jongin, Kai, whoever you are? ‘I wanted to apologize’? You ruined me, Kim Jongin, and I bet you honestly didn’t care up until this point how I was. You’re going to have to do a lot better than that,” Kyungsoo spat, surprised all of that came out. Apparently, so was Jongin.

His eyebrows raised in wonder, Jongin didn’t say anything, until a buzz from his pocket interrupted the thick quiet. Jongin pulled out his cellphone, the pad of his finger sliding across the screen before he raised it to his ear, his voice now monotone. “What, Kris?”

A few seconds passed of silence, Kyungsoo examining Jongin’s features as they twisted into something sour. He didn’t respond, just hung up, his eyes flickering up to meet Kyungsoo’s. “I have to go.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo mumbled, unsure of what to say. Jongin was slow in going, seeming reluctant to step away but eventually turned around, making his way towards a black van identical to the one Kyungsoo saw earlier parked against a curb that had been there the whole time.

Kyungsoo watched the van as it drove deep into the morning sun, unsure of when he would ever see him again.

~*~

It was two in the morning when a banging on the front door drove Kyungsoo out of unconsciousness, letting out a soft moan and blinking the blurriness out of his eyes as he fought to see the time displayed on the digital clock sitting on his nightstand. Throwing his legs over the bed and pushing himself slowly up, he mumbled, “who the hell…?” just as the person started knocking a second time.

He finally heaved the door open, revealing a wide awake Jongin, hands casually in the pockets of his white pants and the same hat Kyungsoo used to wear all of the time on his head, obviously as a symbol.  He still looked so tired, so ready to collapse, but the grin was no longer fake. “Hyung!”

“Why are you—“

“You were right earlier. I was really inconsiderate, and when I cheated on you… I was naïve. I’ve grown up a lot, and I assure you I’m a lot different,” Jongin promised, sincerity oozing from his words despite how young he still seemed, though two years had passed.

What if I don’t want you to be different, his mind barked back at him, but Kyungsoo only opened his mouth to speak from his heart, not his brain, not even concerned why his famous ex was at his doorstep at two in the morning.

“How am I supposed to believe you, Jongin? The last time I trusted you when you said that I was betrayed and all you did was walk out of the room and never speak to me again until now,” Kyungsoo reminded him, his arms crossing over his bulky t-shirt he used for pajamas.

A smirk grew on his face. “Yes, but the one time you didn’t trust me you crushed my ribs and almost killed yourself,” he said with a satisfied, smug look as he proved his point.

Kyungsoo pursed his lips. “I still don’t trust you.”

Letting out an exasperated sigh, as if Kyungsoo was supposed to cave so easily, Jongin let himself in, pushing Kyungsoo back with his eyes until he was standing in the door. “Go get dressed.”

Bewildered, his eyebrows furrowed together, the tips touching over folded skin. “What? No, Jongin, it’s two in the—“

“Morning, I know,” Jongin interrupted, his patience running low. “I’m taking you somewhere, and I don’t want to embarrass you by taking you out in your Pororo pants and gigantic shirt, so go get dressed. Please,” Jongin ordered gently, a pleading look in his eyes, like he desperately wanted to make things right.

Caving to the gaze, Kyungsoo groaned before running to go throw on jeans over his pajama pants and a t-shirt much smaller than the one he was wearing before. Part of him knew this was the dumbest thing Jongin could’ve ever done, but the other part was thrilled, anxious, and ready.

Soon, he was decent, pulling his keys off of the counter and locking the door on his way out. He followed two steps behind Jongin, until they were down the creaky, chipping stairs and on the sidewalk, strolling past rows of empty, dark cars and onto the dampened from rain curbs.

“Where are we going?” Kyungsoo asked again, rather innocently as he walked beside Jongin. The air was humid and sticky, dew dripping down blades of grass as a post-rain procedure. Jongin, lips pursed, walked a bit quickly, and Kyungsoo had to walk faster to keep up.

“The pond,” he said with an unexplainable sour taste in his tone. “The last time we went there, you told me you loved how peaceful it was, and how it’s pretty much forgotten about, despite the beauty. I go there a lot, just to relax and feed the fish. I go there every time I sneak out of the dorm.”

“You sneak out of the dorm?” Kyungsoo answered dumbly, though Jongin had just told him so.

Jongin nodded slowly, his gaze still stuck ahead. “Minjun lives alone, but Kris and I and our manager stay in a dorm. He almost never catches me because I’m in before he wakes up, and Kris sleeps as late as he possibly can, so he’s too groggy to get the clues,” Jongin explained. “Being an idol is stressful. All of the fans, the stress of not being able to go anywhere without them five feet behind you, having to check and make sure they haven’t climbed your balcony… it’s difficult, and it makes me lose a lot of sleep,” he finished, readjusting the hat on his head.

“Then why are we doing this? You need to get some sleep,” Kyungsoo informed him, now concerned.

Jongin chuckled, nodding meekly. “Yeah, I know. I’ll be fine. One of these nights I’ll stop acting like a rebellious teenager and come to understanding what the hell I’m doing with my life, hyung.”

Kyungsoo turned to look at him. “You don’t like being an idol?”

“Well, it’s everything I expected it to be… with more,” he mumbled, looking down at his feet as he walked, his sneakers scuffing the sidewalk, littered in tiny rocks from the cracks. “They’ve made it to where dancing isn’t even fun for me anymore. But I signed up for it, and I have to deal with my decision.”

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo mumbled.

“It’s not your fault,” Jongin said with a laugh. “If anything, it’s mine. You were the one that got me through everything, but then I did the stupidest thing I’ve ever done since I started drinking so early… and that was to have an affair,” he explained, his voice fading towards the end. “I actually did date her for about a month, but it was horrible. The was bad, she was needy, and I never felt the same way about her as I did with you.”

“So does that make you definitely gay now?” Kyungsoo teased, a small smile growing on his face, the memories of betrayal and distrust fading in those few short moments.

Jongin laughed, something Kyungsoo hadn’t heard in a very long time. “Yeah, I guess it does.”

With one final turn to the corner, they arrived at the pond. From anything it could’ve experienced in such a big time gap, the only thing that had really changed was that the paint on the white bench was chipping, revealing the original wooden state. A peaceful smile grew on Jongin’s face. “I come to think here a lot… I’m so lost, hyung. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

“Me either,” Kyungsoo mumbled, thinking about how alone he was in reality.

Both boys took a seat on the beach, crossing their legs and facing sideways, Jongin across from Kyungsoo and vice versa. Kyungsoo twiddled his thumbs, his hands tucked into his lap. Neither spoke for a while, Jongin staring at the fish stroll in the water and Kyungsoo watching his hands twitch.

“I wish I could take it back, you know,” Jongin began, his voice soft. Kyungsoo’s eyes flickered up to his head, which was turned to face the fish, Adam’s apple bobbing and neck bulging. When Kyungsoo was silent, mind totally blank, he continued. “The accident, ever trusting Minjun, snapping that night and putting my lips on hers… it was such a huge mistake, but I know no matter what happens, this kind of damage is beyond repair.”

A lump grew in Kyungsoo’s throat, blocking his airway and not allowing him to speak.

Jongin seemed to be waiting, his eyes grazing every little detail of the small pond before turning to Kyungsoo, moving from the top of his hair to the crossed legs supporting his torso. The silence making him grow anxious, Kyungsoo chuckled, making Jongin’s head snap up in deep attention. “You know, Jongin, I used to think love was absolute bull, something I could fake to stick in my stories. But now I know that it’s true, that it can happen to anyone, that it should happen to everyone. There isn’t a person in the world that doesn’t deserve the experiences I’ve enjoyed with you by my side.”

A small smile grew on Jongin’s face. But Kyungsoo wasn’t done, his mind now spilling everything that hopped into this thought process.

"Thank you, Jongin. All I can say right now is thank you. Thank you for teaching me to love. Thank you for showing me and getting me into all of these situations I never would've been able to alone. Thank you for holding me when I cried, and dancing for me when I was in a bad mood. Thank you for giving me your umbrella every time it rained. Thank you for the look in your eyes every time we kissed. Thank you for not forgetting me in your fame. To sum it up... thank you for loving me,” Kyungsoo finished, his head bent, cheeks flushed of color.

There was a silence, and Kyungsoo wondered if he had said anything wrong, but all worries were erased when a crooked index finger tilted Kyungsoo’s chin up and causing him to lock eyes with Jongin. The dark brown irises said everything in that moment; a story of regret, of stress, of depression, but, overall, of love. Deep, unbreakable love that was truly one of a kind.

Kyungsoo watched as Jongin leaned in, eyes beginning to close, and Kyungsoo copied, their lips meeting and moving together in a connection that said everything that their words couldn’t convey.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

Please forgive me.

Cupping the back of his neck, Kyungsoo scooted closer, never wanting to let go of this moment, wanting to be there forever. He dreaded the moment he had to breath, instead prolonging it by using his nose as an oxygen tank.

Finally, Jongin gasped for air, ending the moment. Kyungsoo stared into Jongin’s orbs, Jongin doing the same, before they broke out into a smile. Both had childish, captivated grins on their faces, Kyungsoo bursting into laughter as well.

“Why are you laughing, hyung?” Jongin chuckled as he watched Kyungsoo go into a fit.

It took a while for Kyungsoo to calm down, side aching and cheeks sore. “It’s just… I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” Kyungsoo croaked out, coughing to get his voice back. “And to finally get to kiss you was… amazing.”

Jongin grinned.

But a sudden realization came to Kyungsoo, hitting him like a pile of bricks and making everything come down on his shoulders. “But, Jongin… We can’t do… this. Whatever this is.”

His expression fell quicker than Kyungsoo’s had. “What do you mean we can’t? Why not?” He sounded genuinely saddened, like he just got his favorite toy taken away.

“Think about it, Jongin. You have so many fans, and if they found out about whatever that was, you’d be ruined. I’d be ruined. You’re an idol, they have a rule about this stuff. Doing it in secret would cause too much pressure and drive us apart, so I’d rather us be just friends than what happened before,” Kyungsoo explained, feeling his heart shatter all over again.

Jongin sat quietly, his cheeks puffed out as his eyes glazed over. When he spoke again, his voice was choppy, slightly wavering as he softly asked, “So this makes us… friends?”

Kyungsoo smiled weakly as he fought back tears of his own. “Yeah. Friends.”

Nodding repeatedly, Jongin’s head fell to stare at his lap. Kyungsoo watched him warily as he finally bent his neck back to its original position. “I just have one request, though, even if we’re friends.”

Kyungsoo pursed his lips. “Anything, Jongin.”

“Would you just…” he trailed off, clearing his throat of his emotions. “Would you just kiss me one last time? So I can remember how it feels like to press my lips on to the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.”

His emotions too cloudy to even blush at the comment, Kyungsoo immediately crashed his lips onto Jongin’s, letting all of his emotions come out in the small moment. He cupped Jongin’s cheeks, feeling the tears sliding down and being stopped by his hands. Kyungsoo felt his start to pour, too, not even caring to keep them contained. Every second spent together, every kiss, every touch, every moment was summed up in one powerful moment.

And it ended all too quickly.

Letting out a shaky sigh, Jongin wiped his now soaked cheeks before standing up. “T-Thank you.”

“No problem,” Kyungsoo croaked, thinking of nothing better to say.

The older watched as Jongin stood up, straightening out his clothing and giving him a small, forced smile before turning on his heel and walking towards the other direction. He was still watching as the younger pulled what looked like a thin piece of paper out of his pants pocket, crumple it up, and tossed it into the bushes.

Curiosity getting to him, just like it had only a few hours ago, Kyungsoo sniffed up the threatening tears and hurried to get the now wadded up paper, carefully unfolding it and reading the contents aloud to himself softly.

Kim Jongin & Do Kyungsoo

October 2012 – Forever

~*~

I seriously want to cry right now...

Thank you so much to ANYONE who ever read, and especially to those who stuck around for this. (I even love you too, silent readers huhu)

It's kind of crazy that it's over, but... it had to end eventually.

Once again, just... thank you guys. <3 I've never been so appreciative of an audience before.

So... This is it...

I lub you guys. (>.___.)> (that was a hug btw)