The Edge of Nineteen, Part I

“They’re really going to do it??”  Nam-soon stepped into his dimly-lit home and switched on the light.

“Yup, they’re gonna elope.  His family still doesn’t approve of noona, but I don’t think anything will stop them from getting married at this point.”

Heung-soo closed the front door behind them and made his way into the small, tidy living room.  He shrugged off his leather jacket and sat down cross-legged at the low square table near the center of the room.  He idly rubbed on his denim-clad knees and called out to ask what was taking Nam-soon so long.  He cracked a smile when Nam-soon re-emerged, armed with refreshments.  Nam-soon dropped a bag of chips, along with two cold, sweating cans of beer on the table before sitting down heavily next to Heung-soo.

“Good on noona for following her heart.  I think that’s what omoni would’ve said.  Besides, don’t parents always come around when there are grand-children to fuss over?  I’m sure it’ll work out for them.”  Nam-soon tore open the bag of chips and poured its contents into a glass bowl.

“You don’t have soju?”  Heung-soo peered at the cans of beer as if they looked suspicious.

“Nah, I think we had enough soju after dinner."  Nam-soon said softly, smiling at his best friend’s pout.  “Stop whining and drink the beer,”  he opened one of the cans and slid it before Heung-soo.

"Fine, never mind the beer... know what I’m thinking right now?” the pout had vanished and Heung-soo’s eyes shone.  “Today has been... the best birthday I've had in a really long time," he beamed, his eyes searching Nam-soon's face.   "My birthday is a week after mom's memorial, so you can imagine these past years I’ve wanted nothing to do with birthdays.  But today… everything is different.  With you around this time... everything feels different.”  Heung-soo looked at Nam-soon for a long moment before reaching for his beer and taking a large swig.

Nam-soon’s unwavering gaze held his best friend’s.   “I should’ve been there, shouldn’t I?  When your mom was gone and you only had noona to turn to.  I should’ve been around.  I think of her sometimes... your oma.  She was always so good to me, especially when everything happened with my mom.  I just hope she didn’t hate me in the end… for what I did.”

“Hate you?  I don’t think she could hate anyone, let alone you.   You were always her favorite.  After I got home from the hospital that time, I was a mess… and I know I was a total pain to be around.  One day she sat me down and said, ‘Park Heung-soo, do you think you are the last person on this earth to have a broken heart?  Enough is enough.’  At the time, I thought she didn’t get it at all.”  Heung-soo lowered his head and smiled at the recollection.

“She said that?”

“Yeah... it pissed me off that she was asking me to change, when in fact I wanted her to be mad at you.  Her words sank in later though… and she was right.  I was heartbroken.”   Heung-soo took another gulp of beer and smiled at Nam-soon.  “In any case, believe me when I tell you she never hated you.  I think she just felt sad, you know… more sorry for us than angry.” 

Nam-soon nodded quietly and stared at his hands, feeling the weight of the silence that now passed between them.  “I wish she was still around," his eyes settled once more on Heung-soo’s.  “What do you think she would say to us if she were here now?”

“If she were here?  She’d be sighing with relief.  Just think – last year of high school.  There were too many times she was sure we weren’t taking the whole school thing seriously at all.”

“True.”  Nam-soon smiled with a nod.  He watched as Heung-soo finished off his beer and made his way to the fridge for another.  He returned with a pair of cans and plopped back on the floor.

“Don't you have to work tomorrow?”  Nam-soon asked, amused.

“Yeah.  Why?  You think I’ll be too drunk to work?”  Heung-soo made a cross-eyed face and managed to crack himself up.  “Hey, this is getting warm.  Why aren’t you drinking?”  he picked up an unopened can and handed it to Nam-soon.

"I don't want any beer right now." Nam-soon took the can and placed it back on the table.  Their eyes met and held; a distinct understanding passed between them and the moment’s levity disappeared.  The silence crackled.

“D’you know what I did on your birthday last year?  I worked like ten hours straight… But it didn’t help one bit.”  Nam-soon spoke quietly, never taking his eyes off Heung-soo.  “There were always two people in my heart.  My oma… and you.  And both were gone.”  Heung-soo’s eyes moistened as he sat still, handling Nam-soon’s words with care. 

“I sometimes think of that last night we spent together, those years ago… the night before everything went wrong.  We sat face to face, you and me, and looked at each other, and we said so little.  There were so many things to tell … I tried to reason things out, but all I could come back with was - you were leaving, and that meant the end of everything.   I didn’t know how or where the words would come from to tell you how ing scared I was.”

“I know.”  Heung-soo placed his drink on the table and reached for Nam-soon’s hand. 

“Even when we went our separate ways, I couldn’t stop thinking… wondering what you were doing or where you were, who you were with, or if I would even see you again.  You never actually left, even though you were gone.  And the truth is, I just wanted to disappear.” 

“Nam-soon-ah.. we need to leave the past in the past.   Even if we can’t completely forget it, we need to try.  Don't you think?”  Heung-soo inched closer to Nam-soon and squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“All I’m trying to say is.. I won't let you down again. ”  Heung-soo felt goose-bumps rise on his skin when he heard the solemn tone and conviction in Nam-soon’s voice.

Before another beat passed or another word could be spoken, Nam-soon leaned in close to his best friend and placed a slow kiss on the corner of his mouth.  Heung-soo’s face and lips were warm; and his breath came quick and shallow. 

Nam-soon was uncertain how long their embrace lasted, but when he leaned back, he felt his heart race with a heady sense of elation.  He looked up to find Heung-soo’s gaze on his lips before their eyes locked.   No one spoke.   They went back to speaking in silences; only this time, the silence rested as brittle as egg shells.

Nam-soon reached for his drink and was about to open the can when Heung-soo rose to his feet, took it from him and set it aside.  He held onto Nam-soon’s hand and helped him to his feet.  There was a smile in his eyes and on his lips when, fingers laced with Nam-soon’s, he led the way to the adjacent room they sometimes shared. 

Before the door closed behind them, there was a breathless pause, a spark, and an intoxicating aura of newfound beginnings, broken silences and an eternity unfolding at the edge of nineteen.