Kiseop's POV

I couldn’t say anything at first, as they just kept looking at me, standing there in the rain. I could tell had been crying by the redness surrounding their eyes.

So this must have happened a while back and so why hadn’t I found out sooner? Why didn’t I realize anything? Still I didn’t say anything as they finally closed the door on me after ten minutes of standing there.

Silent tears fell down my cheek and dropped to the ground along with the rain and I just stood there. This was a lie right? It was possible to make cruel jokes about this right?

People made these terrible jokes all the time to make someone feel bad and then they would say this was all a big scam or something.

Maybe that was it, except they wouldn’t tell me yet, they wanted me to soak in this cruel joke to be so affected by it that I would crumble and only then would they reveal their lie.

That was it, but still I couldn’t move from that spot for some reason and so I just stayed there, feeling the rain drip down my body as my own salty water warmly dropped from my face and mixed in with everything.

I couldn’t feel a thing, it was like I was in the clouds, out of reality and I didn’t necessarily know this feeling, so I wouldn’t know if it was good or bad.

Slowly on my own I somehow managed to move my feet away from their doorstep and made my way to somewhere I didn’t even know. I moved along the pavement unknowingly, the feeling wasn’t going away.

Was it even a feeling? Was I going to be stuck not feeling anything for the rest of my life? If I was then I guess it wouldn’t be that bad, I guess I could survive.

Suddenly a thought dawned on me, if I couldn’t feel anymore then how was I supposed to regain my love for Kevin? I was pretty sure that feeling would be stronger and so I would easily regain my love for him and so I could finally express it to him.

That was whenever they would stop with this prank that was but I could wait forever. I have waited patiently when he was hurting himself and even when he didn’t talk to me for a while and so I could wait even now.

It’s stupid, I laughed to myself that it took them pulling a terrible prank like this for me to finally realize that I should confess to him. I should have done it before, sooner… Maybe I should have started off with the confession that I liked him before I was planning to kiss him.

My mind slowly streamed off to that painful memory of the carnival that we went to on our last day of summer as I finally reached my destination. I didn’t know how I got here but I somehow ended up in what looked like an abandoned train track.

Without thinking too much I laid across it, letting my tears flow with the rain. Honestly I didn’t know what I was doing, or why I was still crying because I hadn’t noticed the wetness of my tears at all. Maybe that was due to the fact that all around me there were tears so I didn’t realize me own?

What was I doing here? I should get up now so that in case a train came, I wouldn’t get over. Was I stupid? What if a train did come then I would die if I just kept laying here. For some reason I didn’t budge.

I wasn’t even scared; something must have taken away the feeling of fear as well so I didn’t move. Well if I didn’t fear anything, I guess it was fine to stay like this. Was this me giving up on life? What was there to give up for though? Everything was perfectly fine and I had a life to live anyway.

Wait, but if I died then I wouldn’t be able to see Kevin’s face when he would tell me that this was all a joke and that he didn’t die, it was just a cruel joke. That got me up, but there was nothing, no feeling still and I didn’t get up all the way I just sat up.

In my inner ear I heard sirens and I looked around to see the lights flashing to indicate that a train was coming. The little bars went down to make sure that the train wouldn’t escape the tracks but for some reason I didn’t understand what this meant.

I looked around me to see what was going down and then I heard another sound other than the sounds the flashing lights were making, it was a faint whistling sound. So I looked to my right and saw a faint black outline that seemed to be coming toward me at full speed.

So I waited for it to come, it took a while but the noise finally thrummed in my ears as it kept coming full speed toward me. I didn’t know what it was still and so I looked to my left while finally standing up and I saw another one.

That’s when it finally hit me, they were trains. They were going to run into each other so it was good that I was standing here to stop and break their fall.

Would that mean that I was going to die instead? Oh well it didn’t matter at least I would save someone. Funny they looked so peaceful when they were farther away and advancing toward me.

Now that they were finally close to me they still weren’t frightening but annoying, I wanted them to be farther away.

Just before the inevitable impact I closed my eyes, if I was going to die I didn’t want to really see it, I figured my death would be boring. I heard the powerful ringing in both my ears now so overbearing that it filled my head.

So I guess now that I was dead I wouldn’t be able to see Kevin? With that thought I opened my eyes instantly to find that I was standing alone in the middle of a train track with nothing but the pouring rain to keep me company.

I didn’t know how much time passed but I figured that I should be heading home now I thought. It didn’t seem like much time would have passed me by but then again I wasn’t sure and so I headed home.

That night I couldn’t sleep at all, so I just waited. Hopefully Kevin would tell me that his ‘death’ was a joke soon so that I could confess to him. Even though I could wait I didn’t like waiting for this long.

Besides I was fine with him hurting himself or ignoring me but this prank was just getting out of hand and I sort of got angry that night.

This was stupid in fact, what kind of idiot would pull this kind of joke? This wasn’t funny at all and slowly a fire started to rage in my heart. It was dim but it was there and that kept be awake all night as well.

The next day he didn’t show up, and that vase of flowers was still there mocking me is what it seemed at least. It stared at me most likely laughing at me at how stupid I was and that Kevin was going to come a trick me and say it was a big joke any day now.

Well the vase was stupid because I already figured out their plan and so they wouldn’t be able to trick me. Not being here today was only part of their plan, so I would wait it out.

Soon he didn’t seem to show up any day and that only made the ball of angry fire in the pit of my stomach rise steadily day by day. This was a stupid vase and I felt like I was playing a game of dog and squirrel with that vase, that how much it annoyed me.

I was so tempted to go back to Kevin’s house and tell his parents that this wasn’t a very funny joke, but that encounter when they told me he was ‘dead’ kept replaying in my mind.

I started to memorize their faces as the memory replayed almost every day inside my head. They looked extremely pissed off which was something that I didn’t realize the first time. They looked angry and hurt and they were directing that look solely on me.

Then something hit me, back when I was trying to talk to Kevin in the beginning of the year they wouldn’t let me enter the house to talk to him. They only did that later on and the same thing happened when he was ‘sick’.

Did they not like me? I thought they considered me family? So what had happened? Either way I didn’t care my priority was Kevin, but those were his parents so I should care.

Soon it reached a week that he didn’t come to school and I was on the verge of exploding, maybe this wasn’t the longest that he was out from school but still I was worried.

He was really putting so much stress on my heart, for the longest of times he’s been playing around with me too much. Well maybe I should do the same to him when he comes back and tells me that this was a joke.

That’s it I thought I wouldn’t confess to him immediately, later on I would, but first I would play with him like he loved so much to do to me. He sometimes played too rough and sometimes I don’t think he even noticed that it hurt me but it did and this was no exception.

The days that went along were so boring, I think I had become a social outcast again but then again wasn’t I always?

At one point I was brought into the ‘spotlight’ but that was only because of Kevin, and even when I was ‘popular’ I only paid attention to him. Why couldn’t he see that? Why was he so ignorant to the fact that he was the only person I cared about and still do?

If only he would quit this joke and come out then I could say it to his face, that I liked- No it was more than that for sure now, that I loved him. I wanted to be together with him forever no matter what.

Even if this world came crumbling down, or no one approved of us, no matter if the universe was against us I would personally make sure of it that we would end up together in the end.

It didn’t matter where we are either as long as I could hold his hand tightly and have my arms over him, watching and protecting him with all my heart I would be happy. With him by my side nothing matter anymore.

Eventually two weeks had passed and I started to develop more feelings. At this point I was wondering if this was even a joke anymore.

My brain took up the concept that he really might be… I couldn’t say it nor think it but somehow that word floated up to my mind… dead. As soon as it appeared I forced it with all my heart to disappear.

I wouldn’t be able to take that, there was no way I could handle it if he was gone from this world, if he was away from me. I still hadn’t told him that I loved him yet so he couldn’t disappear yet, not yet, I at least had to confess first.

Even then I still didn’t want him to be anywhere away from me, just closer, closer to my embrace so I could feel his tender warmth.

The third consecutive week that he was out I started to feel again. I regained my feelings and I thought that my love for Kevin would return first so that when he came back I could ask him to be my boyfriend.

No, the first feeling I felt was raw pain, it was so intense that it choked me. I had to stop for a second whatever I was doing and I doubled over gasping, trying to regain my constant breathing again.

By the end of the month, the word dead in all forms kept replaying in my head. It was so bad, but ‘realization’ had finally struck me in the worst possible way. I still clung on to the fact that this was a joke but only slightly now.

I kept re-assessing the facts of what happened, every day formulating a plan, going over everything. It replayed in my head maybe twice every day all the facts hit me hard everywhere and I was in mental, emotional, and physical pain every day.

It hurt especially because I couldn’t sleep and now that I finally realized Kevin was dead my sleeping pattern only deteriorated.

I would scream out loud in my empty house every night, or in a pillow once in a while when I didn’t want to hear my screams and I would let the tears flow into a stream that turned into the ocean.

Whenever I could manage to float on the surface of sleep I would wake up in a few hours and just continue my screaming and crying fit.

When I was at school I kept looking at the vase of flowers that lingered on his desk all the time almost.

It used to annoy me before and now every time I took a look at it, it made tears fall down my face, either unconsciously or consciously and I would just let them slide down my face without so much as a whimper that would never escape my lips.