"I don't want to wake up from this tonight."

 ♚ ♚ ♚ ♚ ♚

      Yongguk’s thoughts drift from a silly little quirk about Himchan to another. Akin to fallings leave trying to find its own place on the solid ground, ideas and facts about him sometimes are piled onto one another, or are set out to differentiate the man he so loved from the norm.

      These little things about Himchan that would go unnoticed by the eye are now pooling in the ocean of his thoughts. The sound of an old jazz melody wafts into the air, complementing the tingling feeling that causes quite an unexplainable fuss in his system as he carefully reminds himself of how they came to be, how the mark began a journey that was solely meant for the two of them to explore, enjoy, and experience.

      He then ensues to snap himself into grabbing a book that has been perched inside his mind for a long time, just waiting for it to opened when time permits. It wasn't really a book, but more of a journal and little notes about Himchan. Yongguk would like to refer to it as his boyfriend’s sheer blind-side, because he believes that he's the only one who actually sees what his sight processes to him.

      Although he doesn't convey it through words, his book clearly says that he's mesmerized by the way Himchan’s lips would curl up slightly at the end whenever he would catch a sight of his sleepy perfection early in the morning, freshly shaken awake from the dream world back to reality. 

      The way he would lace his slender fingers onto Himchan’s delicate hair, and how he would most of the time sink into his gentle touch softened the rough edges around his heart, making him fall a little bit more than he actually would have ever imagined. 

      How every night, the window that stretched from the ceiling to the floor would let the moon bathe and cast a silver glow on Himchan’s milky skin, and the thought of disbelieve rushes through his system so eloquently. Disbelief of how he managed to be able to get someone who doesn't even realize how perfect he looked whether his hair is a mess, or whenever he would pout at the smallest things. From the daybreak till the twilight, and after the next morning comes, Yongguk can never fathom as to how beautiful and utterly fortunate he is to have someone by his side to share cold nights and warm morning.

      Small refined details like how Himchan loves it when the sound of the rain lightly drums and rings to his ears, how the beautiful man want exactly three pieces of pancakes but a heavy load of syrup to start his day, his  unusual liking to  bitter coffee, the way Himchan thinks that his hands mold perfectly with Yongguk’s.  

      Every fleeting moment that you they share starts to feel like eternity because everything that seems impossible were just insignificant when his lips are against Himchan’s, when Yongguk feels the warmth of his body envelope him in the most perfect way and blanket him with a fluttery and incoherent thoughts, when Himchan blows on Yongguk’s ears as an attempt to annoy him, or those unnoticed moments when Himchan would kiss his lover’s lips too early in the morning when he's still drowned in dreams that Himchan never knew were always about him. 

      Because dreams about Himchan were Yongguk’s escape whenever he feels the frigid wind harshly walk past him instead of feeling the man’s heart beating next to his. It was a rhythm that he ached to hear once more for the reason that it was the only beat that matched in sync with his.  

      Dreams of Himchan would sometimes be about how things were void of any imperfections, the couple laying on the ground, Himchan’s head against his chest, the stars being the only witness to the beautiful moments that only the two knows about. Sometimes, dreams would consist of him humming a lonely lullaby to calm Himchan down to sleep. In most times, it was a perfect scene of you Yongguk and Himchan walking with fingers laced with each other's, the sunset painting their skin with a glow that was too enticing to ignore. 

      He then realized that all these things measure up to him being unable to move past to the next page of his little journal about Himchan. Dreams and nightmares coexist, and one doesn't go without the other, same with happiness and sadness, love and hate, anger and forgiveness, life and death.

      His fingers fiddle with one another, his head starts to spin, his heart begins to drum faster against his chest, his palms getting moist as a second passes. He breathes unevenly as he sees Himchan’s favorite coffee and an empty chair across him. 

      The cafe was now playing a lonely lullaby that he used to sing whenever the sickness that eats the other man’s strength from the inside started to make him cringe and flinch uncontrollably. To Yongguk, it was the only way that he could ease Himchan because the mere thought of him being hurt was a stab to Yongguk’s chest and a tear to his eyes. 

      He starts to remember how as every succeeding night passes, he would cling onto Himchan tighter, in hopes that time will stop for the both them because eternity starts to be blurred as reality waves to his eyes like he's waiting for Himchan to join the finish line. His grip around Himchan’s body clenches a bit more, because Himchan never knew about the strained tears that sting Yongguk’s eyes every night because every night meant closer to Himchan’s tomorrow.

      And his tomorrow couldn't be altered. 

      Every morning Yongguk would make Himchan’s favorite breakfast : three pieces of blueberry pancakes with cream cheese sided with a bittersweet coffee because he knew that there will be a tomorrow where the man he adored can't even eat anymore or  move his mouth because that's how sickness works, and he hates it when the medicines that have been fed to his boyfriend doesn't fight harder against it.

      Instead, he opts to be Himchan’s warrior, his pillar of support, the one to make him feel as of everything was normal and that nothing could ever go wrong when the medicines decide to lose the battle that was already doomed from the start.

      A melancholy smile spreads on his lips because there was no one to blame. He knew. 

      He knew about the cancer from the very first time that he met Himchan.

      But he fell in love.

      He fell in love like he was dying. It was like he had no other reason, because he just had to accept it, much like death.  It was a battle of acceptance that trapped him between reasons and emotions. Flames that raged from the very beginning overwhelmed his heart because isn't that how love usually is? Sometime there are no reasons needed because when you love someone, everything is a big pile of a wonderful mess. When Himchan revealed to him about the sickness, not once did he falter because he knew what they shared couldn't be something that would be void just because of an unwanted fate. 

      Now that the flame used to dance around his heart have been put out and was reduced to ashes, not once did he felt like he was burned because it was the most beautiful ache that his heart has ever fathomed.

      The mindless chattering of the cafe drowned out the lonely lullaby, and the buzz inside his chest has faced a complete halt. He eyes a weary expression at the coffee that has lost it warmth and the chair that was occupied with nothing but air. 

      The cafe was filled with almost everything that reminded him of Himchan, and with one final glance around, he began to stand up and start walking towards to exit.

      He knows that there will be a point where these feelings will seem like nothing but a bittersweet memory painted at the back of his mind, but sadly, today wasn't that day.

“I love you, Kim Himchan. I always have, I always will.”

Author's Thoughts:

foken hell i swear i love banghim too much <3

WOOT PART 2 OF MY AFF FLOOD DOWN T _ T 

I hope you guys enjoyed this! 

ps; unedited /pukes/

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