"We can pretend."

➻➻➻➻➻

      Himchan lets myself daydream about Yongguk, because daydreams don't hurt.

      Daydreams about him are like summer thunderstorms and ice cold lemonade. They are like flannel pajamas and hot chocolate, a favorite song on the radio and every smile he’s ever known. They are cotton candy and scarlet lipstick, comprised of airy, fluffy innocence, bubblegum scented and sweet enough for toothaches. They are silk strands of thought braided together to form a safety net within his mind.

      Daydreams don't hurt. Reality does.

      Reality is like branches clawing at your window and tears freezing on your face. Reality is an exhausted pyramid made of crumbling brick and the moist soil around a fresh funeral plot. Reality is made up of the rusty taste of pennies, and rain so heavy it sinks right through your skin. Reality is a razor, metallic and merciless.

      Reality hurts, and the daydreams are Himchan’s drugs. He is an addict, both disgusted and relieved at his own ability to tumble into freshly pressed and carefully scripted lovely little scenes, drenched in rich mental detail. 

      When he closes his eyes, He’s with Yongguk. Sometimes they walk through the woods behind the latter’s house, losing themselves in the trees and in each other. The air smells like maple syrup and crackles with the threat of snow, but they balance on the train tracks, holding hands, and catch the flakes on their tongues, kissing mother  nature. 

      Other times, it is flashes of them being domestic and making banana pancakes in Yongguk’s kitchen; Himchan peels the fruit and his lover pours the batter and they sing along with the radio as it rains. The couple adjust to each other, maneuvering around the stove like we're telepathic, and toast themselves with glasses of apple juice and sit down to enjoy the meal. Then Yongguk would lean over and use his thumb to whisk away a stripe of pancake batter, and look into Himchan’s eyes and through that gesture, he knows that he loves him.

      In Himchan’s head, they would go Christmas shopping in the mall, trying on ridiculous hats and people watching in the food court. The two would go to a new year's party, all dressed up in black and glitter, taking delicate sips of champagne and predicting the next celebrity scandal. Yongguk will kiss Himchan right at midnight, the perfect start to a new beginning.

      They will go camping, and wear plaid and hiking boots and feed each other marshmallows by the campfire, searching the constellations for something deeper. Himchan and Yongguk will go visit the latter’s adorable little grandma in Incheon. The lovely woman who knits them a sweater and helps Himchan in making traditional kimchi; the elderly woman would wink at Yongguk, and silently say’He’s definitely a catch’ and Himchan pretending to not hear and condoning the refined comment that washes him with relief.

      Himchan daydreams about an apartment in the city, fresh white sheets, red wine and Chinese takeout. He daydreams about dance clubs, the music pulsing like a heartbeat and the lights shifting like a kaleidoscope. The man daydreams about walking through sand that looks like sugar, swimming in water that looks like glass. He daydreams about the cultured, classy European restaurants and exotic, bustling cities. He wishfully daydreams about white rice and black bow ties; golden rings and the words “I do”. He daydreams about chocolate and pepper hair and three brown eyed children; He daydreams about wrinkled hands and rocking chairs and toothless smiles.

      But even all of these dripping, aching daydreams don't compare to the feeling Himchan gets when Yongguk holds him, because when he holds Himchan, touching him like he’s a crystal, diamond, precious, The weary man feels at home, a rare and delicious sensation for him. 

      So no, maybe he won't fulfill all the daydreams. Maybe they won’t visit Europe or have three little children or say the words ‘I do’. 

      But as long as he’s with Yongguk, it doesn't even matter, because daydreams are not wishes; they are just a hobby to blunt reality and bide time until Himchan can see and feel everything that the real world has to offer.

      Until then, a whirlwind of unexplainable emotions from watching Yongguk’s eyes twinkling at the sight of another woman, suppressed giggle and warm hugs shared to her instead of Himchan, late night talks about how Yongguk might’ve possibly found the last one will bite as his heart and leave marks that may take too much time to finally heal.

      But if he can be by Yongguk’s side, then restricted happiness would be better than freedom of solitude.

Author's Thoughts:

One sided BangHim for everyone~ Kkk! 

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ONTO THE NEXT FICLET IN MY FLOOD! C:<