Bonus 1
Living in the Corner of his Eye
November 14th, 2011
Sometimes I wonder, what would it be like if I did talk to you? If I mustered enough courage to tell you everything I wrote in these very pages, to have the chance to be yours? You could laugh at me of course, or reject me. It would be expected. Or maybe... There's always that slight chance, that maybe you'd hear me out? That we would laugh awkwardly together, sitting together in the library, getting to know each other as though I don't already know so much about you. You're bright smile would make my world, and we would slowly get closer day by day. That dying hand, that empty grasp, it would finally be reached. Eventually we would begin to do cute couple things, sounds ironic doesn't it? Maybe couple t-shirts... Or is that too cheesy? Whatever you want Kibum... It's up to you. And then we'd go on our first date. I would pretend to be late, probably annoying the hell out of you, before finally showing up two minutes after the planned time. I would come up behind you slowly, smiling, and I would recite that poem to you, the one on the first page of this very notebook. Then I would slowly walk around and come to stand in front of you on the other side of the table and lean in slowly, softly finishing the last line. "Please will you be... my Key?" And then you would probably laugh at my cheesiness, teasing me and pretending to be annoyed, but by that slight blush on your perfect cheeks, I would know you're touched. But being Kibum, you'd never show it.
Time would go by and we'd smile at each other in passing in the hallways, study together in the library, sharing a goodbye kiss before going to our separate classes... Wouldn't it be great? Living life with you, that is my dream.
January 1st, 2012
I just realized…. All these entries and I still haven’t written about how I first met you have I? How could I not have written it down all ready…. The day is so clear I don’t think I’ll ever forget it as long as I live, Kibum.
It was your first day here. I was sitting here in the library like I always did, watching from the back, but something about you caught my eye. Maybe it was how beautiful you were even back then, maybe how you were determined to come study in the library even on your first day of class, or maybe it was the small beads of sweat on your forehead that showed your inner stress even though your calm expression didn’t. I’m not really sure, but I do know one thing: You’re confidence was admirable.
The way you carried yourself not out of arrogancy, but out of courage and determination. You were not a scared and timid first year in the least bit, and that was something I truly looked up to. Even before college, I was never very good at asserting myself or showing any form of confidence. The way you were able to do so was just…. Amazing.
But by the time you sat down in the very seat you’ve sat in every day since, I had made a decision to meet you in this library someday.
See you were what kept me going, Kibum. If I got nervous or shy, I used to go curl up in my apartment with a book or journal. But this time, I reminded myself that one day, I would need to talk to you. One day, I would need to overcome my wallflower instinct.
So I started talking with professors, and then a small group of guys who I now share the apartment with. I still don’t talk much, but it’s more than before. And that’s only in the last 5 months. I’m getting better, Kibum. And one day, just maybe, I’ll be good enough for someone like you.
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