Who is this girl in front of me?

    Her long brown hair looked thin and lifeless and so does her face. Her skin was sickly pale and there was too much depth in her cheekbones and under her eyes. But if I looked a little closer, the features are undeniably the same.

    “Victoria?” It came out as a question.

    “Nichkhun?” She verified my question. “Wha-what are you doing here?” I was still shocked by how differently she looks that it took me an extra few seconds to answer her.

    “I… I… I…” I have no answer. That’s it but I can’t say that to her. “I have a shoot nearby.” She was glaring at me with those tired eyes, arms crossed like she knows I’m lying. “And I thought I saw you and… I decided to come over and say hi?” It wasn’t a statement and Victoria let out a soft sigh.

    “At this time?” I forgot that it was already night time. She let out a tense sigh. “I don’t know why you’re here but I have a feeling that it’s better I shouldn’t know.” I smiled sheepishly at her and she gave me a smile. Even though she looked like hell, when she smiles, she still manages to make my heart jump. Then we were silent for a moment as I think about what to say.

    “May I come in?” I asked as I looked over her shoulder into her apartment. I couldn’t see much because she was still holding the door near her, leaving no gap for my eyes to intrude. She hesitated for a moment, eyeing me suspiciously. But then she sighed and pulled the door wide open.

    “Come in.” I grinned widely at her as I followed her inside, closing the door behind me.

    The inside of Victoria’s apartment was a huge contrast from what I expect a room in this ancient building would look like. The moment we walked in, we were in the living room. Everything was white; the walls, the couch, the curtains. On the left was a small kitchen with a marble island and counter in the middle. Even the kitchen cabinets were white. And there was a narrow hall where I could see three wooden doors—the rooms.

    “This is nice.” I said and Victoria gestured for me to take a seat.

    “Would you like something to drink?” She asked in a hoarse voice. I raised an eyebrow worriedly at her and she just smiled.

    “Anything is fine.” I said as I walked towards the balcony. I slid open the curtains and there was a sliding door made of glass that viewed the sea. And there was another smaller couch on the balcony. I imagined Victoria drinking coffee on it and listening to the sound of the sea every morning. “This place is really nice.” I said again as I admired the gorgeous view of the ocean, slightly lit by the dark evening sky. I quickly turned around when I heard someone coughing. “Are you okay?” I called out as I went towards the couch. Victoria suddenly came out from the kitchen, two mugs in her hand.

    “I’m fine.” She lied, her voice sounded terrible. Her hands were trembling as she carried the mugs as though she was carrying dumbbells instead. She didn’t look fine. There were beads of sweat forming on her forehead and her eyes looked even more exhausted than before. I quickly stood up when she stumbled forward, the mug’s contents swishing out onto the floor.

    I took the mugs out from her hands and placed it on the wooden coffee table. “Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look…” I wrapped my hand around her arm to balance her upright but her skin was hot, really hot. I quickly slid my hand around her waist and she didn’t protest but just limply leaning on me for support. I placed a hand on her damp forehead, it was scorching hot.

    Victoria was breathing heavily now and I could feel her shirt soaking with warm sweat. I tilted her chin up so she could look at me. She looked weak as she looked at me with half-lit eyes.

    “N-n-nich…” Her eyes rolled back and then closed.

    “Victoria? Hey, Victoria?” I gently shook her but she was limp and still, her breathing still heavy. “Victoria!”

I was pacing in front of the ER anxiously, waiting for Victoria’s doctor to come out with good news. It’s been an hour, I kept looking at my watch and my anxiety grew bigger. Why is it taking so long?

    A sigh of relief quickly escaped my lips when Dr. Zhu Qin came out from the glass doors; she had changed from her white coat into surgery scrubs—which sent another alarm down my throat—and was looking at the clipboard in her hand.

    “Mr Horvejkul? You’re the one who brought Qian here?” She asked me in perfect English and I nodded. She gestured for me to follow her and then we were seated in her office.

    “Is she okay?” I asked and she sighed—which is not a good sign.

    “Before that, I need to know your relationship with my patient.” She raised an eyebrow at me, her glasses dropped a bit from the bridge of her nose. I thought about it. “Friend? Family?” She prompted.

    “Family.” I said but she raised an eyebrow at me again. Of course it didn’t made sense. I look nothing like Victoria and I’m Thai and she’s Chinese, even our names are enough to prove that we’re not related. “I’m a distant cousin visiting.” I lied and she nodded.

    “Okay, then.” She leaned forward in her leather chair, her hands folded on the table and she sighed again. “About Qian’s condition…” She trailed on, hesitating for a second.

    “Is she okay?” I repeated my question, this time with more urgency. I just need to know that she’s fine and it’s just a normal fever.

    “Are you aware of Qian’s… current health-condition?” She asked. Again, with the questions! Why can’t she just answer me? I shook my head and she sighed again, making me even more agitated.

    “Is she okay?”

    “For now she’s stable.” I sighed with relief. She’s fine. “She has brain cancer.” I choked, my relief shattering like glass.

    “What?” It came out in a whisper.

    “It’s been 8 months… and her tumour has been malignant.”

    “What?”

    “Luckily there’s no new growth but it’s still swelling and her condition keeps getting worse.”

    “What?”

    “I’m afraid she doesn’t have a lot of time.”

    I stopped saying anything but I’m pretty sure my face says it all.

I slowly slid open the thick wooden door and took a peek inside.

    “Hey.” I tried to smile when I saw Victoria lying on the hospital bed, all wrapped up in blankets like a cocoon.

    “Hey.” She sounded weak but managed to smile back at me. I walked towards her and sat next to her bed.

    “How are you feeling?” I asked as I placed a hand on her forehead—still hot.

    “I’m doing okay.” She smiled brightly at me but I couldn’t find the strength to smile back when I look at her face. ‘She has brain cancer’, the doctor’s voice echoed in my mind, making my eyes sting. Victoria let out a soft sigh. “You know.” It wasn’t a question. I nodded.

    “Is that why you disappeared?” I asked and she looked surprised for a moment before she nodded.

    “I was right then. You came here because you were looking for me.” She said, so low that she may have been talking to herself. I nodded anyways.

    “Does anyone know?” She shook her head. “Not even your parents?” She shook her head again.

    “You’re the first.” She admitted. “Congratulations.” She tried to laugh but it turned bitter when I glared frustratingly at her.

    So many emotions were swirling inside of me but for some reason rage was the only thing settled on my mind right now.

    “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” I asked through gritted teeth, trying to control my anger. She bit her bottom lip, hesitating. “Why?” I repeated, my voice rose a bit, making her jump.

    “I didn’t want them to worry.” She said in a small voice, her eyes looking away.

    “And disappearing without a word doesn’t?!” I yelled, the rage and frustration overpowering me. Victoria rolled over to the side, not wanting to face me. I sighed as guilt crashed over me like a grand tsunami. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.” I said softly but she didn’t respond. “I was upset and—”

    “You think I don’t?” Victoria suddenly said, her voice strained. “You think I wanted this? This thing growing in the core of my skull?” Her voice was cracking now. “Don’t you think that it’s already hard enough for me to deal with this on my own? And how much harder it’ll be if everyone else got involved as well?” Victoria sat up on the bed, facing me, her eyes red and b with tears. “Isn’t just having me to endure this pain is enough?” Our eyes locked as we stared at each other with silence. I never thought of it that way. I couldn’t imagine how much she’d been through for the past months all alone, enduring, fighting, surviving from the pain she suffered.

    Without any hesitation, I pulled her into my embrace, her body felt fragile in my arms. I could feel warm tears on my shoulder blade and Victoria started to cry, I mean really cry. The type of cry that’s been building up after being kept captive for a long time. I rubbed her back soothingly as tears of my own started rolling down my cheeks and she cried even harder.