Popular Actress

“… And the winner of the Popular Actress Award goes to… Kwon Yuri!”

What if… what if I said the words you wanted to hear from me? The words I realized I wanted to say all along...

I received thousands of congratulations and applauses as I made my way to the stage to receive my award… faking a smile.

Even now that I’ve earned one of my greatest achievements in my career, I’m left dumbfounded to wonder with phrases starting with what if in an alternative universe.

A year ago…

“… And the winner of the Popular Actress Award goes to… Im Yoona!”

Yoona received thousands of congratulations and applauses as she made her way to the stage to receive her award.

“Yul, it’s okay. I’m sure you’ll win next year.” My best friend comforted me while she gave me a soft rub on the back as soon as she noticed my sudden disappointed expression.

“Thanks, Sica. I guess I just didn't get a lot of good roles his year.” I smiled.

“Well, I’m sure you will have more roles to play before next year’s awards. I’ll be cheering for you when you win.” She added as she reached for my hand.

“Jessica Jung is obviously the sweetest person on earth.” I giggled at her.

“Aniyo. I’m only this sweet when I’m with you, Yul.” She pouted.

“Good to know…” I blushed.

The autumn colored leaves that fell to the ground were swept away with the movement of our feet.

“Aaaah! Yuri!” She yelled as I twirled her around like a ballerina in the public park which, surprisingly, was empty.

She hugged me playfully after spinning her as we both laughed on how childish we acted.

“Omo… Sica, what are we doing?” I laughed out.

“I don’t know. You’re the one who pulled me to play on the pile of leaves.” She accused while giggling.

“Aish…” I sighed; my mood changing.

“What’s wrong?” She asked as she moved her head away from my shoulder to look at me sadly.

“I remembered that I just got a call from Manager Oppa this morning about my career—”

“Wait… you’re not leaving SNSD, right?” She cut me off worriedly.

“No, no.” I giggled at her cuteness.

“About my acting career. It’s been six months and I haven’t received a call for any dramas that I’ve auditioned for. If I don’t land a job at the end of the month, might as well say goodbye to my acting career.” I explained.

“I’m sure you’ll have a great role by the end of the month, you’re Kwon Yuri; the iest black pearl in all of Seoul! No one can ever resist your charm.” She comforted with a flirty smirk.

“No one? Not even you… the ice princess?” I raised a childish eyebrow at her.

“Yul… your charm is my weakness!” She spoke shyly as she attacked me with another hug.

“Ahhhh! Sicaaaaaaaaa!” I laughed as we continued playing beneath the scattered leaves.

“Aish! This sleepyhead! Wake up, Sica!” I yelled with excitement and slight annoyance while I shook her body from side to side.

“What!?” She yelled frustratingly.

“I got a role!” I cheered.

Her eyes widened in delight… I expected her to ignore me and go back to sleep like what she does with the other members… but she didn’t do that with me.

“JINJJA!?” She asked excitedly.

“Yeah. I have a meeting with the director this afternoon to read the detailed storyline. Come with me, Sica!” I pouted at my last words.

“Of course I’ll go with you, you’re my best friend.”

“I told you that you’ll get a role…” She smirked.

“It’s because you said I would…” I giggled.

“Ms. Kwon, it is a pleasure that you’re here for the meeting with me today. Oh, I see you brought Ms. Jung with you.” The director greeted.

“Yeah. She’s my best friend. You know girls. I hope it isn’t a bother though.” I answered.

“Oh of course not, anything for one of our main actresses.” He grinned.

I looked back at Jessica with a huge smile and an expression that screamed: “Oh my God. Did you hear what he said!? Main actress!”

“So here is the detailed script, Ms. Kwon.” He handed me the booklet as Jessica and I sat on our seats and I started to scan through it looking like a professional.

“Uhmmm… Can Ms. Jung get a copy as well?” I asked politely.

“Of course, no problem, Ms. Kwon.”

It wasn’t long ‘til he handed another copy to Jessica and she started to scan as well.

“Wow. Fashion King… sounds interesting.” Jessica complemented.

“Oh… what do we have here? A kissing scene…” Jessica spoke a few moments later trying to sound a bit cheerful but it sounded rather sarcastic.

“You’re a really keen observer, Ms. Jung.” The director grinned.

I couldn’t help but notice Jessica’s mood getting gloomy and icy as she continued reading, like something wasn’t right. I could tell how unpleased she was with the storyline.

I wonder why…

We got to our dorm later that evening and Jessica’s mood still remained the same until she finally spoke her mind.

“Yul… Please don’t take that role.” She slightly begged.

“Why not? I think it’s interesting.” I defended in surprise as I tilted my head in confusion.

She didn’t respond but I could tell that she wanted to say something.

“Jessica, is something bothering you?”

“It’s just… the kissing scene… and the whole show is intense."

“Well, these are the kinds of roles that I should have if I really wanna stand out in the business. I thought you said that you would support me in anything that I do? You know that I’ve dreamed to become an aspiring actress. This is my only ticket to get that dream. This would be my big brea--"

“I can’t see you with someone else.” She cut me off.

"What?" I asked, surprised.

“I guess there's no turning back now. Look, I have to confess something... Yuri, I… I love you. I’ve always have. I mean, can’t you tell? My weakness is your charm; you’re the only person I’d never get angry at when you wake me up… and I know you feel it too."

I pitied her.

“D-don't you love me too?" Her voice trembled.

“Jessica… I’m sorry. You’re my best friend and…” I shrugged at the end.

She nodded as a tear rolled down her cheek.

“We can’t be together, Sica. I’m sorry... please don't cry...”

“It's fine… That’s your decision.” She sobbed before leaving my presence.

“… And the winner of the Popular Actress Award goes to… Kwon Yuri!”

What if… what if I said the words you wanted to hear from me? The words I realized I wanted to say all along...

I received thousands of congratulations and applauses as I made my way to the stage to receive my award… faking a smile.

Even now that I’ve earned one of my greatest achievements in my career, I’m left dumbfounded to wonder with phrases starting with what if in an alternative universe.

I looked at the table where all my other members sat and saw Jessica fixing Yoona’s hair and comforting her for not winning.

Since that incident, we were no longer close; we no longer talked like before. I was wrapped up with my acting career while she got close with Yoona. I could tell that she was completely over me as time went by... And I was bothered by it.

Even during my shooting days, I started to think about her more often. And when the huge kissing scene came, Jessica popped in my mind as soon as I felt another's lips making contact with mine.

To summarize it up, when I saw her with Yoona, I got jealous… I miss you, Sica.

I've realized that my career and this achievement means nothing to me... now that I’ve lost you.

I only need the light when it’s burning low…

I only miss the sun when it starts to snow…

Only realized that I love her when I let her go…