Kai is like an ephemeral existence in people's lifes these days. He appears as usual but leaves too early. In most of his classes, he will be the first to arrive and the earliest to bail on class. Jongin is just a kid whose presence are not really bothered because he is not especially important and not especially talented. He gets average grades in class and never have a hard time to go to a higher-grade. His skills for dancing are superb but unleashing it will cause too much of a problem, because eventually he can't make enough money by relying on his skills on dancing. Kai is a person who finds it too difficult to put his trust on a human-being. He has quite a lot of friends but none of them are really that close to know that Kai have a traumatic accident back when he was a sprog.

Losing Kyungsoo is hard. It's so ing hard to know that Kyungsoo is dead. It is better for Kyungsoo not to know me in the first place. He could have been in a better place if he were not to know a person like me. It's all my fault. My fault.

On the second he laid his eyes on Kyungsoo's limp, motionless body, Jongin chanted loudly in his head how Kyungsoo would grow older and die as an old man if he hadn't met him. He fell to his knees and buried his eyes to Kyungsoo's chest so he will not see anything and not know anything about Kyungsoo's dying and let the tears be imprinted in his soul before he flew away like an angel Jongin always thought he would be.

Kyungsoo is a smarty pants with high level of tolerance and Kim Jongin immediately saw that when he was boycotted on the first day of school, by the jocks of upper-classmens. If Jongin didn't go out that day with fears being plucked out off his veins, Kyungsoo would end up by those jocks. Eventually, Jongin ended up friending Kyungsoo, and he's the first one to know that Kai was touched on several private areas by his baby-sitter when he was 10. Kyungsoo was the first person to witness Kai holding up so much pain and tears as words trying to get out from his lips, each sentences were repressed so it would not spit remorse. Kyungsoo was the first person to topple down Kai's iron fortress and binds himself more deeply to Kai.

Kai was just too depressed to notice that Kyungsoo is in a suicidal state. Kai never noticed that Kyungsoo stopped using short-sleeves t-shirt. Kai never noticed that Kyungsoo stopped preferring pens over pencils. All he noticed was the comfort Kyungsoo gave as an older brother who listened to his problems and held him in his arms when he felt cold. All he needed was a doze of Kyungsoo's smiles and star dusts on his eyes everyday.

Now Kyungsoo is gone. Gone, gone, gone. His soul evaporated even faster than cigar smoke that whirled out from a stick of cig dangling from Jongin's lips.

He hated the smell of smoke but he succumbed Kyungsoo's death just fine, so a pack a day wouldn't hurt.

Gripping Kyungsoo with no rush of lukewarm heat racing through him to fight the cold is as strange as holding Kyungsoo's arm bounding broken birds slashing his skin.

Blackbirds sing its mournful song as Jongin bathes himself in oil and set himself on fire, launching himself straight to the gate of hell. Amidst his painful shrieks of agony as every muscles flesh and bones being heated to the Fahrenheit, flashes of past times blinks into him like a flashlight. And as Jongin is pushed to the emergency room by white coated doctors and nurses with blinding illuminance above, Jongin jumps to the deep abyss in oblivion that absorbs his drips of purity from Heaven.

I killed Kyungsoo and I deserved this, last words of farewell left his lips like an assurance for both himself and Kyungsoo in spite mild distance that places them apart like Hell and Heaven.