I am miserable at my best.

"Regular, miss?" asked the cashier.

" Yes, as usual." you sighed. 

"Here is your order of venti honey milk Miss _______. Have a nice day."

You smiled bitterly to the bartender for her friendly service, grab your drink and take a seat. Letting the honey milk slip through your throat, you sighed again.

Honey milk, N's favourite. But why am 1 doing this to myself I don't even like milk. I hate it! But it's the way i can feel close to N again, even when he's not with me anymore.

2 months without him, and you're miserable at your best. You don't know what to do, but instead tried to monitor his activities on tv. he's doing quite well with VIXX new album, he's gaining pupolarity. Good for him. But why are you so jealous? You have no idea. You wanted him to be successful but at the same time, you don't. You want his career to go down the drain just to make him know how miserable you are.

You can't sleep well, can't eat well. You can't do anything properly. You skipped classes almost every day and every week and for the first time you don't feel bad about it. You want the old you back but, at the same time you don't because the old you exist when he is in your life.

"HI." said a familiar voice.

Well who the hell disturb my thoughts at a time like this.

You turned your head to look at the person, but it only made you feel more down.

"I heard that you always visit here everyday, I just wanted to see how are you doing. Is that honey milk? I thought you hate milk?"

please..

" Why do you even care?! You left me 2 months ago and suddenly in impromptu came to me asking how am I doing and remembered what I like and what I don't like! Do you really think I'm that easy??!" in tears.

The surroundings of the cafe is different. People are looking at both of you but  mostly their eyes set on you, because you were crying. Ashamed, you take your bag and head out of the cafe. "Goodbye." you said to N while rushing through the door.

N quickly followed you out from the cafe. Running behind you and grab you by the wrist. You know he felt guilty for doing that to you, but you can't let the same thing happen twice. Once he did that to you of course he can do it again.

"________ah just, please listen to me." N begged.

" I've listened enough that night. I know why you broke up with me. Now let me go, I have things to do."

" What things?! You haven't attend college for almost 2 months after we broke up. What other things would you pssibly have to do?' N asked angrily.

" Maybe weeping and crying and flopping myself to the floor. I don't know. I think I'm quite busy." you answered in sarcasm.

"You're not like this __________.I know you." N letting go of your wrist.

You looked at him, eyes in tears.

" The one that you know is gone. I'm the new me."

And just like that, you walked home. Leaving N and your past behind you. N is in daze, not knowing what to do. He head back to the dorm, with thoughts full of regret. 

"I'm sorry ________. I should've treated you better. I realize you were my everything. Even if I'm successful, it feels nothing without you. I'm sorry, really am sorry. If you want to hit me or kill me just do it. I deserve every possible punnishment you want to give me. I love you. Forever and always" N said alone, while you already walked away from him.

You arrived at your apartment drenched in rain, in tears. You threw away your clothes and changed into a comfortable home clothes. Feeling down, you make your way to the bathroom. Laying your body in the water. 

How dare he do this to me. How dare I do this to myself.

You reached for the knife you kept below the sink and you slit through your skin one by one, leaving scars full of blood. You feel yourself at ease, like the burden is gone. But you know, it's for only a short of time. And there you are, your whole body soaked in a bathtub full of blood. Like that, you fell asleep. Tired, of everything.