trials

"Why did this have to happen to Jongdae of all people?" Baekhyun quietly muttered, body rigid and eyes glazed over, as he thought back to everything that had been happening for the last month or so, his emotions steadily trying to get the better of him.

Silently remembering things he didn't necessarily want to remember, but was making himself do so anyway, the boy was situated in a small uncomfortable chair at the edge of the waiting room, isolated from the other members of EXO, ignoring them as best as he could. The members were all in similar states of depression or were going around comforting each other with words of hope and positivity, the latter being something that Baekhyun didn't have or could even think about feeling as he thought back to Jongdae. This sickness, and what the slightly, younger boy had been going through since he had been diagnosed with laryngitis a month or so ago.

The isolation and space from the rest of EXO was a self-imposed, but silent, punishment as Baekhyun found himself trapped in his own emotions that he had been running away from for weeks now. The sickness that plagued Jongdae was something that was easily one of the limited things that Baekhyun and every other singer had feared themselves when it came to their careers, their livelihoods, and their dreams. It was literally a singer's worst nightmare, an every day horror story that could strike at any moment and when one least expected it. It was a sickness that could take the greatest and most talented of singers and ruin them in ways that nothing else could, their voices painfully ripped away from them just because of their own folly or a terrible strike from chance. It was a scary and paralyzing thing to see, to hear about, or even go through yourself, and for Baekhyun to witness Jongdae going through that terror-inducing illness, it literally made his skin crawl, almost as if small beetles were scurrying up and down his arms, underneath his skin.

His emotions were going haywire in ways that he wasn't necessarily used to dealing with, something that he didn't normally allow himself to feel or experience. He couldn't help but do so now though, the hospital forcing him to feel such things. He had been running from these feelings for such a long time, afraid of what they had meant, using his time to play with the others and Chanyeol as an excuse to gloss over them, trying to forget the fact that Jongdae was silent and dealing with something that could have easily torn Baekhyun's whole world apart instead.

He had ran so far away, had tightly closed a lid on those feelings for weeks now, and yet that lid was deteriorating with every moment that he was sitting in that hospital chair. Being able to smell the stench of disinfectant and feel this odd, but powerful, aura of sickness, potential death, and death itself, Baekhyun found that he couldn't run from his feelings anymore. Patiently waiting in that room for some news about his best friend's current condition, hoping to hear something good when the surgery was finally done and over with along with Jongdae being cared for, he couldn't stop himself from picking at his fingers until they started to hurt. And thinking back to all the times he had hung out with Jongdae, had spent time together with him doing anything and everything they could together, his fragile hold on his emotions deteriorated with every passing thought.

He even went so far back to his and Jongdae's trainee days, where the two of them had stayed over in each other's dorms, eating meals together, and spoke about anything that had came to mind, talking about girls, their dreams, and even the very little things they had disliked about people. The two of them had taken to trainee life like a fish took to water, being able to bond over the fact that they had been recruited at the same time along with the fact that they were both the powerhouse singers, and the two becoming quite close within the following weeks. Together, they were easily able to hold their heads held high as they walked through the halls of SME, a small bounce in their step as they unabashedly lived their lives as trainees, only to be selected as members for EXO a few months later. Sure, both of them might be the last to join the group, silently kicking out members that had been there since the concept of M1 and M2 had came about. And even though they felt sorry about doing so, they were glad they could do what they had always wanted to do, dreamed to do. So much that they didn't foresee the consequences of such an act, invisible weights and burdens scaling across their shoulders when they learned about the parts that they were supposed to play.

The two groups and friends debuted together as one, only for a couple days later to tell them differently as the two were forced to split up, EXO promoting in subgroups in China and Korea instead. Both had to say goodbye to each other the night before Jongdae and the others of EXO-M were forced to board a plane, each of them crying the night before. The two of them didn’t want to part from each other, to lose that support, that friendly rivalry, and friendship that had gotten them through their training and debut, but the time had to come when they had to separate. So they parted with a promise to do their best to sing their hearts out, to show everyone what they could do, and eventually return to each other to sing, dance, and promote together as one again. They knew the time apart to be only a temporary thing and that a couple months away from each other could do nothing to their friendship.

Even as the two grew into independent, confident, young men that were able to overcome any obstacle that had been thrown at them, their friendship never wavering in the months apart, the two did finally return to each other for EXO's 'Wolf' promotions. Their friendship once again was able to grow even more as the two were able to promote together, solidifying it by constantly being able to see each other during promotions, and being able to bring back and use that support they had used for each other during their trainee days once again. It did nothing but continue to flourish as the two were able to show everyone their hard work and dedication, being recognized with the rest of the group during music shows, varieties, and performances.

They had been doing everything they could to be there for each other, to lean on each other's shoulders, and when it was finally time to separate once again, EXO breaking off into its respective subunits, everyone needed a break from each other as the chaos and lack of privacy created by twelve boys being forced into one dorm together did nothing but wreak havoc on everyone's nerves. Living apart, both groups promoting in China and Korea for the second time, Jongdae and Minseok had an easier time with the language and being given a much warmer welcome than last time, allowing for the weeks to pass until everyone was brought back together again for a new round of schedules for comeback activities. This time, sickness striking the members and forcing Jongdae to sit out during the rounds of recordings, shows, and performances, Baekhyun couldn’t help but feel helpless and silent as the others found themselves on stage once again, this time with only eleven boys instead of twelve.

The lack of Jongdae in EXO performances and appearances easily made Baekhyun realize things he didn’t want to realize about life as he thought about how the simplest things in life could easily endanger and possibly ruin someone’s dreams. What started out as a cold turning into something like laryngitis, only weeks later for the doctor to realize that Jongdae had nodes, was insane. It didn’t make sense for something so small and insignificant to become something that encompasses someone’s life and does its best to turn it on its axis and ruin everything someone- no, Jongdae had worked for. It didn’t matter if Jongdae was extremely talented, that he was one of the sweetest and kindest boys out of EXO, or that he was Baekhyun’s friend; terrible things were still happening to the boy, even if he didn’t deserve it.

Having to see Jongdae silently take his medications, using paper and pen instead of verbalizing his words along with seeing him wince or silently whimper in pain whenever he went to bed. Painkillers did nothing for the other singer, and to notice how the other did everything he could to appear strong for the others, keeping his emotions in check and only able to break down and cry in front of Joonmyun, Minseok, and Kris, Baekhyun’s heart literally hurt at the sight of the younger boy. Jongdae was the closest person to him besides Chanyeol and having that special kind of bond that only he and Jongdae had made everything worse, especially when he couldn’t help but feel like he should have been the one that Jongdae could go to and confide to him about his fears and how he really felt. However, Jongdae did none of that, and realizing his best friend wasn’t going to do so any time soon or even at all made Baekhyun wounded emotionally even more.

Jongdae was his best friend and yet, it seemed as if they were farther away from each other than ever, a fact that he had been ignoring until now, too afraid to tread the waters and say or do the wrong thing. Kris and Joonmyun’s advice were so much more useful than his as their presence were something that Jongdae could gain strength from, while his was basically useless and stupid compared to theirs. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to tell the other boy, except that he loved him and that it was unfair for him to be as sick as he was, having to undergo surgery, and deal with things that would have had Baekhyun shaking in his shoes.

Baekhyun was supposed to be the strong one out of the two, the responsible one who always had something to say, who always was there for Jongdae (and Chanyeol), but ever since Jongdae had gotten sick, this wasn’t the case anymore. Jongdae didn’t need him as much as Baekhyun thought he did or that the boy didn’t want to be around him as much, almost as if he was afraid that something would happen between them; maybe that he would be unable to cope with the fact that out of the two of them, it was he that was sick, instead of Baekhyun. And that he wouldn't be able to deal with looking at Baekhyun's face, almost as if seeing the other boy would be a constant reminder of what he now didn't have, of what he was missing and had been missing for weeks now, and could potentially be missing for the rest of his life.

Maybe Jongdae didn't even want to tell him about his fears because he was jealous, angry, and hurt about what was going on and may have even wished the sickness upon Baekhyun or even some of the other members, scorning them for not being sick too.

Shaking his head at such a nasty thought, he muttered, "No, Jongdae would never think that, would never wish something like that upon others..." The 'unlike me' going unsaid as he continued to stare into space, his knees now situated against his chest as his body created a little ball to physically shield him from anyone that tried to get into his personal space, a fragile shield of pride being the only thing to keep him from pouring his emotions on others, he couldn't help but whisper, "Yeah, he would never think that, would never be as cruel as me."

Continuing to put himself into Jongdae’s shoes, silently thinking about what he would have done if he had gotten as sick as Jongdae had gotten, his thoughts went from general depression and turned into maggot like thoughts of selfishness, greed, and this odd thankfulness that made his stomach churn with guilt. He couldn’t believe how nasty his thoughts were as he bit his lip in disgust whenever a painfully selfish blurb took shape in his head.

Unlike Jongdae who had suffered by himself, hiding behind a smile, and doing his best to listen to Joonmyun, Kris, and the doctor's orders, Baekhyun would have been another story. He would have whined and complained about being put on bedrest, being forced to take medicine every day, wishing to get better within minutes instead of days, and generally being a brat towards the people around him. Many times Baekhyun knew that Jongdae had felt like doing that and had done things that Kris and Joonmyun weren't exactly proud of, but when compared to Baekhyun who would have made people absolutely miserable; he would have most likely turning everything onto himself, being selfish, and too concentrated on his pain to even think about others while Jongdae's attitude and outlook were much more tame than Baekhyun's would have been.

Just thinking about what he would have done and how he would have acted, Baekhyun knew that if he had gotten sick, no one would have wanted to be around him. He wouldn't have lasted as long as Jongdae had lasted, to be as calm as the other boy, and only lean on others when he absolutely needed to. He would have been a mess and realizing that, he couldn't help but feel relief that it wasn't him that had gotten sick instead.

He was thankful that he was healthy, still able to sing, and do his dream without worrying about losing his voice at any second or in such pain that Jongdae had been in. He was thankful that it was him that was out in the waiting room, wallowing in his own self despair, instead of having to undergo surgery, recover, and eventually find himself in rehabilitation to gain not only  his speaking voice back, but his singing voice as well. Even then there was the distinct possibility that Jongdae would never be able to recover the range he had before, that godlike range that made Baekhyun more than jealous on many  occasions, what made him wish he could steal the other boy's voice and use it himself so that he could shine as bright as Jongdae constantly shone.

He may sing well, may have many strengths when it came to singing, but when compared to Jongdae who barely had to do anything but open his mouth, Baekhyun had felt inferior more than once. The strain in his voice told whoever was listening that he had to struggle to get those notes that came effortlessly to Jongdae, the other's voice so pure, bright, and filled with this unique color that Baekhyun had only heard on Jongdae that it was inevitable for Baekhyun to feel jealousy. The singer's voice was so much different than his, but many times, so much better than his as well. The latter was something he hated to think about, to comment on, and voice aloud, because if he did, then it made it true, and Baekhyun didn't want something like that to be true.

So knowing his strengths and weaknesses, Baekhyun built himself up by forcing himself to practice, to get better, and to be noticed by those around him. But even months after training and all the experience he had gained while being in EXO so far, he still had trouble reaching the singing heights that Jongdae did.

What made the whole thing worse was that Jongdae didn't see himself as competition as he didn't really compete with others either when it came to being the lead or main singer of EXO, because to Jongdae who lived, ate, and breathed singing, it was pointless. Jongdae just loved music and singing, and even though the boy could have easily gone solo, Jongdae didn't care enough about that because he got to do the thing he loved anyway in EXO. He was a terrible competitor for Baekhyun and coupled with his natural playful and caring personality, Baekhyun couldn't even be angry at the other boy for being so good. Jongdae was Jongdae, and Baekhyun would rather stifle his jealousy and insecurity then let those dictate his relationship towards having a good friend, his best friend.

However, Baekhyun was human and just like any human, he still harbored inappropriate thoughts and felt terrible for thinking the way he did. Because as he continued to wallow in depression, Baekhyun couldn't help but take notice of his more terrible fragments, playing with the idea of him finally being able to sing better than Jongdae, of him being EXO's go-to singer when it came to distributing lines, of him being the one that SM counted on when it came to those high notes. Baekhyun would finally get that fame, to show people that he was just as good, if not better, than Jongdae was when it came to being EXO's main singer. Jongdae would be easily forgotten as the boy would be forced into rehab to recover his voice, to most likely gain something much different than what he had started with. His long range would most likely be gone and would be traded with a more manageable range that was much closer to Baekhyun's.

Jongdae wouldn't be able to sing those high notes as easily and flawlessly as he had done before, straining to reach a range that he used to be so comfortable in that it would most likely make him feel loss and anger for losing something that had been his. And knowing this, Baekhyun couldn't help but feel grateful and joy all at once, only to feel like the worst human being on the planet for having such thoughts and feeling such things that made him want to slap him across the face for being so ungrateful and insecure.

Jongdae was in the hospital, was in surgery, and all Baekhyun could think about was how selfish he was, how he disliked the fact that Jongdae never came to confide in him or how he felt joy of being EXO’s main singer when it came to songs, to be the one that would take over Jongdae’s placement within the group. It was atrocious of him, that he couldn’t help but want to slap himself and pull his hair out for thinking such a thing.

He was too wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice some of the other members come near him, wondering why he was gnawing at his lip so bad that he had started bleeding or the fact that he was subtly rocking back and forth in his chair. He literally shot up from his chair when Chanyeol put his hand on his shoulder, only to fall to the ground and cause his knees to smart in pain from the action. Quickly looking up and ready to scold the other for startling him and disturbing his thoughts, Chanyeol interrupted his thoughts to quietly ask, worry furrowing his brow, “You okay, Baekhyun-ah? You’ve been acting odd for the last hour or so and you’re worrying us… Your lip’s even bleeding-”

“I’m fine Chanyeol, you don’t have to worry about anything, I’m just peachy, alright?” Baekhyun quickly interrupted, picking himself up from the floor to dust the dirt off his knees.

Chanyeol however, did not heed the warning in his voice and simply continued on, “You don’t look peachy at all. You’re worried about Jongdae like the rest of us, but instead of leaning on me or anyone else, you’re by yourself thinking god knows what… You should know that you can’t lie to me or brush me off so easily, Baekhyun-ah. I’m your best friend… So if you’re feeling down and insecure, you can easily just come to one of us and talk. No need to be alone during this time.”

Scowling at Chanyeol’s words, wondering where he got off trying to tell him that he knew him and crap and that he was his best friend, Baekhyun could only reply, voice sounding quite cold and filled with bite that meant to hurt, “I’m not. I’m not your best friend, Jongdae’s my best friend and has been my best friend since we trained together. You’re just the guy I hung out with while he was gone… So don’t expect me to lean on you for comfort, seriously. I’m fine by myself.”

Stepping away from Baekhyun in shock, almost as if the boy had physically slapped him, Chanyeol couldn’t help but wonder what had overcame the slightly older boy, wondering why he had to use such nasty words and direct them towards him. That had never happened before between them; sure Baekhyun might have unknowingly insulted him at times, but it wasn’t deliberate and venomous like this. However, knowing how close Baekhyun and Jongdae were and that before the two had been selected for EXO, the two had been best friends as they were always leaning on each other for things and having so many inside jokes that it made Chanyeol’s head spin, Baekhyun just had to be projecting his negative emotions and thoughts on him. He was just trying to deal with everything himself and put some distance between himself and the others. Doing his best to shrug the words off, knowing that Baekhyun couldn’t have meant what he has said, Chanyeol didn’t stop himself from trying to reach out and comfort the older boy, because if he did, then Baekhyun would close himself off and continue hurting himself.

“You don’t mean that, you’re just saying things to get me to go away, to make me angry and not care about you when you so obviously need someone to do so. You’ve literally almost bit through your lip, because you keep worrying it, and yet you haven’t noticed that. Obviously something is going on with you and that you’re quite worried about Jongdae, maybe even thinking about things you don’t want to think about, Baekhyun-ah. But that doesn’t mean you have to worry alone or think that you need to be by yourself. You have me and the others-“

“Shut up, Chanyeol! I was being serious!” Baekhyun yelled, interrupting the taller boy because he couldn’t deal with him or anyone else at the moment, before wiping the blood from his lips onto his sleeve, not caring that it stung when he had done so, “Just shut up because I don’t want to listen to you go on and on about how you care and how the others care. Jongdae’s in surgery and yet you’re scolding me for wanting to be by myself? You’re so stupid! I don’t need you to care about me, to worry about me, and be someone I can confide in. I don’t need someone like that!”

Hackles rising at Baekhyun’s words and the tone in his voice, this time much darker and tinged with something that made Chanyeol more than a bit worried for the other boy, he couldn’t stop himself from going on, this time using tactics that he was sure to get Baekhyun to open up. People may think that Chanyeol was dumb and that he had the emotional maturity of a pea, but underneath his smile and general positivity, Chanyeol could be more perceptive and intuitive than most people even expected of him when he needed to be.

“No you weren’t! You’re just trying to get rid of me so you can mope by yourself like a loser. Seriously, it astounds me that you think yelling at me or trying to tell me off will get me to do so. I’ve been your friend for years now, I’ve lived with you, and if you think I don’t know you well enough to read you by now, then you’re sorely mistaken. I’m not as stupid as I look, Baekhyun. I can tell that you’re hurting, but worrying by yourself and doing what you’re doing is not only hurtful towards yourself, but you’re making Sehun, Jongin, and Tao worried about your behavior. So take that stick you have up your and stop trying to be stupid about everything.” Chanyeol yelled, his deep voice so loud in the waiting room that a moment later the taller boy couldn’t help but blush and turn towards the reception desk to bow and make a quick apology about how loud and rude he had been. Then, he immediately turned back to Baekhyun to continue his tirade, hoping that his words would get through to Baekhyun and make him realize how stupid he was being. So as he opened his mouth to start again, but in a much softer voice this time, a strangled sound came out instead as Baekhyun decided to push Chanyeol away from him instead. Baekhyun didn’t want to hear anything he had to say, to have Chanyeol break down his walls and get him to talk and draw comfort from him.

Storming down the hall, away from the group, and unwilling to deal with his friend and the others anymore along ignoring the piercing stares centered along his back as he stormed away, the singer tried to find an empty bathroom or vacant room where he could clear his head and continue what he was doing before Chanyeol had interrupted him. Seeing a sign for the restroom, Baekhyun quickly opened the door and locked himself in one of the stalls that was in front of him, before he set down his toilet seat and sat down on it, creating a makeshift seat. Burying his hands into his face, Baekhyun breathed heavily into his palms, his shoulders shaking at the effort to keep himself from breaking down any further. He didn’t need to start crying now, didn’t need to ruin his makeup, but as the minutes passed, he couldn’t help the tears that started to cascade down his cheeks, unable to hold the tears at bay anymore.

He was such a terrible person, such an awful friend and brother, lashing out at those who didn’t even deserve to be yelled at, to tell Chanyeol such things and possibly make him believe things that weren’t true. Baekhyun just wanted to hit himself for being so difficult and possibly force himself onto his knees and beg Chanyeol for forgiveness, for being beyond terrible.

Silently crying into his hands, his mouth wide, lips trembling, and face turning ugly at the ferocity of his gasps and sobs, Baekhyun’s sniffles and heavy breathing were the only things that could be heard from his stall. He knew he had to look pitiful, his face becoming blotchy and eyes swelling up as tears fell from his eyes like waterfalls. He just hoped no one would hear or see him, as he broke down for the first time in weeks, unable to keep his thoughts, fears, and emotions to himself anymore.

That feeble hope was crushed as soon as it had came, the emotion being flung a million miles away from his heart as soon as he had heard someone knock on the door, come into the room, and disrupt the rest of his breakdown. Wanting to laugh at how unfair the world seemed to be when it came to him and his friends, Baekhyun couldn’t help but want to punch the side of the stall at the injustice of not being able to deal with his emotions himself. He wanted some privacy, some space, and yet no one wanted to give it to him.

Why couldn’t the others leave him alone, especially when he was bawling as he was and more than likely to go off the rails if someone said one thing wrong to him? He couldn’t deal with people right now and yet no one wanted to respect his wishes.

Forcing himself to stop crying, the singer harshly wiped at his eyes until they stung and breathed through the rest of his sobs until it seemed as if he had drained himself dry from the effort.

Ignoring the soft “Baekhyun, it’s me Yixing” come from behind the steel door of the stall, Baekhyun silently sat on his seat until Yixing decided to leave him alone and let him cry in peace again. However, Yixing did nothing of the sort and patiently stood with his back against the restroom door and waited for Baekhyun to remove himself from the stall. It seemed to have the desired effect that Yixing wanted as Baekhyun thought of the older boy doing the very thing he didn’t want anyone doing right now, letting his ire grew until he couldn’t take it anymore.

Unfastening the lock and shoving the door open so hard that it hit the edge of the wall with a deafening bang, Baekhyun yelled, “What the heck is your problem, why can’t you and the others just leave me be? I need some freaking space!”

Doing nothing but giving Baekhyun a slightly worried glance and definitely ignoring the way Baekhyun had just spoken to him, Yixing kept himself from answering Baekhyun’s questions and stood his ground. It was obvious to him and the others that the younger wasn’t all right in the slightest and most likely didn’t need this isolation even though he thought he might need it because Baekhyun didn’t want others seeing him break down or try to console him about something he obviously felt horrible or uncomfortable about. So keeping his arms to his sides and giving off a soothingly calm aura as he always did, Yixing silently waited for Baekhyun to make the next move.

Seeing the Chinese member do nothing but stand there, waiting for him to do something, anything really, was more than irritating for Baekhyun. So he just growled and decided to make the older boy sorry for even disrupting his moment to himself, especially after he had made it perfectly clear that he didn't want anyone to bother him.

"Why can't you and the others learn to mind your own business and take care of someone that actually needs it instead of wasting your time on someone like me who doesn't want you guys here? Why do you think I need a babysitter or that you have the right to do what you are doing? Why do you think I don't need to be alone? Why do you think I need you, Chanyeol, or any of the others' comfort right now? Why do you think that, because all I want to do is be left alone and wait for the news about Jongdae myself. Is it a crime for me to be alone? Is it wrong for me to just want to be by myself and not have to tell you guys what I’m thinking? Do you really need a play-by-play?"

Eyes never leaving Baekhyun's form as the boy continued to yell at him, Yixing silently took the other's abuse and let him do what he needed to do until he was too tired and wrecked to go on anymore, too fragile to say anything else. He knew that this was what Baekhyun needed, even if he himself didn't know it.

Because unlike Joonmyun, who showed his worry and care through his actions of nagging and being an approachable hyung, or Kris, who showed it by being the hand that guided one along their path or the person that liked to give people these stares that just made people want to share their pain, fear, and other negative emotions with him, Yixing’s stare was something much more subtle and natural. It would flow over like a silent wave of peace until all the person could do was fall to their knees and tell the man everything that they were keeping to themselves and what the other needed to know. Both of the leaders were effective in getting others to come to them and trust the two in different ways, it was just that Yixing was a bit different. He wasn't emotionally strong and understanding like Kris or overly sweet like Joonmyun was, but was somewhere in the middle, his actions softer and less intense than Kris', but not as soft as Joonmyun's ways when it came to dealing with the others.

He was someone that would patiently wait, appear unintimidating as possible, letting the others know that they could come to him and show them whatever they had to without any judgement from Yixing. He always made sure to keep a neutral and level-headed look on everything, especially since he knew all of the members of EXO to be good and warm people, and then after listening to what they had to offer to him, he would give sincere advice, his words filled with warmth and kindness. He was invested in the others as he cared for them, and he did what he could to take the burden off them when being an idol came too much, years of being a child star teaching him things and giving him experiences many of the others lacked. He may have appeared unassuming and less hyung-like than some of the others, but as the situation was currently, he certainly had the maturity and calmness to cool anyone down.

So as he allowed for Baekhyun to unleash his anger towards him, knowing that the younger boy needed a sounding board or someone that wasn't going to force him to speak like Chanyeol had done, Yixing just gave the other a soft yet slightly worried look as he waited for the singer to finish his little tirade. He was just there for Baekhyun to know that he was company, see if he was okay, and that he wasn't going to leave because Baekhyun was going to yell or swear at him because the Korean was too affected by his emotions right now to do anything but realize how he appeared to others. Yixing didn't interrupt him or try to give the other advice until he knew the other boy would be okay and would actually listen to his advice, rather than run from it or throw it back at him like he had done to Chanyeol. So letting the boy finish what he had to say, weeks - no, maybe months, of insecurities being mentioned to him, Baekhyun probably not even realizing how much he was giving away, Yixing patiently waited for the other to tire from yelling as his presence pushed Baekhyun to do the very thing he hadn't wanted to do in the first place: talk.

Silently hearing Baekhyun talk about his jealousy towards Jongdae, how he was glad that Jongdae had gotten sick instead of him, how he felt terrible for feeling joy at finally being able to be that person that SM counted on when it came to singing their music, to do those high notes that Jongdae so effortlessly sang, and how he couldn't believe that he could have such thoughts towards the younger boy that was usually nothing but sweet and kind to everyone, that was the best friend that Baekhyun could ever have, Yixing watched quietly as Baekhyun found himself crying even harder than he had done so earlier. Not knowing why he was saying all these things aloud and letting Yixing know what was going on with him, while he had barely let Chanyeol in edgewise, the singer had to admit though that the older boy's presence made him feel as if he wasn't being judged or forced to speak when he didn't want to.

After realizing the effect that Yixing had on him, Baekhyun couldn't stop himself if he tried. After months of keeping everything in, of relying on himself for everything, and of being the type of person that didn't usually hide his emotions for long, it was inevitable for Baekhyun to have some type of breakdown. He knew that it was something some of the other boys had gone through themselves the past couple of weeks by hiding in their rooms or confiding to their closest friends among EXO. He was especially sure that Tao had to have cried at least once towards Kris and Jongin had confided to Kyungsoo about everything that was going on and how worried he felt about the whole situation.

Seeing Baekhyun pawing at his eyes, trying to wipe away his tears as a useless action, Yixing found himself closing the gap between them so that he could wrap his arms around the younger boy to give him a hug. Running his hand through the other's hair in a calming gesture, Yxing let the other boy cry against his chest, not caring if his shirt got dirtied by the other's eyeliner and that his shirt was getting wet. He just let the other cry until Baekhyun didn't need to do so anymore, giving soft shushing noises to help calm him by saying that things were okay and he could cry as much as he need. Minutes passed between the two until only soft sniffles could be heard from the younger boy.

Yixing waited for a few more seconds to pass before he felt like it was finally okay for him to speak and tell Baekhyun his view of things. It was something that the other boy needed to know and understand, his emotions and thoughts being something quite human like everyone else in turmoil at the troubles currently as he quietly spoke, "You know, you didn't have to keep that to yourself, Baekhyun-ah. You didn't have to feel as terrible and as lost as you did, trying to take your anger out on people because you felt uncomfortable talking about them. You didn't have to think about these things by yourself and blame yourself for being a horrible person when you aren't. We would have understood where you were coming from, your insecurities towards Jongdae, his sickness, the company, and wouldn't have looked at you any differently."

Hearing that, Baekhyun could only push himself back to look at Yixing's face to see if the other was telling the truth or was just saying those words to placate him instead. Baekhyun was still raw, fragile on the inside from the pain of crying and he didn’t need anything else to shatter him apart as he gazed into the other's eyes. But all he found was understanding and honesty, the two emotions he thought he would never see when he had broken down. And seeing his usual soft-spoken and sometimes forgetful hyung, who cared for all the boys both older and younger quite a bit and was sincere in his actions, Baekhyun felt that maybe he could trust the other man's words.

"You really mean that?"

Nodding, Yixing quietly replied with a comforting smile, "Yes, of course I did. Did you think I would call you out for having such feelings and get angry at you for feeling and thinking things that most people can't control whether they want to or not? Everyone feels things like that, feels jealousy and insecurity and other nasty things that make us feel bad because we can't understand why such evil thoughts come into play and make us feel terrible for being human. Whether we like them or not, everyone thinks and feels terrible things, but it's what people do afterwards or how they react to these thoughts and feelings that set them apart. So am I going to get angry at you for being human and having a couple of thoughts that everyone has felt more than once in their lives, but isn't going to do anything but make yourself feel bad, forcing yourself to feel guilt for something you can't control?

“Well, no, because knowing you and how you are with Jongdae, how deep your friendship is, you aren't going to do something stupid or make Jongdae feel bad. You feel bad enough and for me, for the others, that's enough for us to know that you're human and you're not some perfect robot like some people want to believe. You're Baekhyun and just like anyone else, you're prone to feeling things like this. It doesn't mean you're a terrible person or deserve to rot somewhere like you're thinking, so it's okay to feel such things, it's okay to cry and break down like this. So don't feel bad, okay?"

Feeling even more tears well up in his eyes, something he hadn't thought was possible after bawling against Yixing's chest for so long, Baekhyun nodded, "So you're not mad," he murmured softly, only to go quiet for a moment and then hesitantly ask with shame coloring his words, "Do you think Jongdae would be mad at me for having such thoughts?"

Giving Baekhyun another soothing hug, Yixing shook his head, "No, he wouldn't, he would understand. Just like I and the others would understand, because it's not just you that has felt this way before, but all of us. I know I've felt jealous and insecure towards you, Kyungsoo, Luhan, and Jongdae before, wondering why I couldn't have such a voice, wondering why I couldn't be as good as you guys. Or with Jongin, it's amazing to see him dance, to see his power and control over emotions, letting himself feel the music and feeling of the music than just being smooth, being able to dance with feeling, something that I have trouble with myself.”

“I've felt jealous of you guys a lot in the beginning, wondering what my place was in this band, wondering what I was good for when everyone else seemed so great. But after working with you all and seeing everyone be so kind and coming to me for things I didn't think anyone would come for, I learned that we all have a place in this group, that we are all talented and shine in our own ways. Some may be better at some things, while others have strengths in other areas; it's not a crime to feel jealousy towards people that come to things naturally or are good at things that we can't all be good at, but how we act and treat people because of said thoughts and feelings is another story. So don't feel terrible for being human, okay, because everyone feels stuff like that."

Hearing Yixing admit to being jealous of him and some of the others, when he knew just how talented the boy was when it came to music as the Chinese member could compose his own music, dance amazingly and was a genuinely good guy and hyung, Baekhyun couldn't help but feel better about what he had been feeling earlier. It was okay to be jealous, to feel insecure, but he realized that it was how you acted after realizing and accepting such feelings was what set you apart. And knowing that even though he had thought about some terrible things, Baekhyun didn't feel like being a terrible person towards Jongdae or making the other feel bad because of things. In fact, as he silently thought about things and going off what Yixing said, he couldn't even see himself acting like a jerk towards Jongdae or doing something to make the other feel inferior or jealousy towards him because he was sick.

All he wanted was to see Jongdae get better, sing with him, and have the other be friendly competition as he had always been. He wanted Jongdae to stay his best friend, to be the one that he can confide in, to talk to as he had always done, because he could be mature and care for him as a person, instead of being selfish and using his the other's sickness as a stepping stool. He didn't want something like that to happen or be unnaturally cruel to his best friend that couldn't help but get sick because life like to screw people over sometimes.

Even if there was the urge to just do what he wanted and push Jongdae out of the spotlight, Baekhyun's conscience wouldn't let him do such a thing, knowing how it would make him miserable in the long run. And being able to realize such a thing and know that others felt the same way, to know that even someone placid like Yixing had felt the same way, made Baekhun feel much better about himself and realize how wrong he was to do what he had done to Chanyeol.  

Seeing the darkening expression flutter across Baekhyun's face, Yixing gave the other a small smile as he guessed at exactly what was plaguing the singer’s mind now, "You'll be okay, Chanyeol will forgive you. He likes you too much to let such a thing to ruin years of friendship. So just take a deep breath, collect yourself, and you can apologize to him when you're ready, okay?"

Nodding, Baekhyun gave Yixing one last hug before finding himself scooting down the wall until he was sitting on the floor, letting himself recuperate from the millions of emotions that he had felt that day. Squatting down to Baekhyun's level, Yixing simply gave him a small smile along with a thumbs up, "Just tell me when you're ready and we'll head out there, okay?"

From where the two silently sat on the restroom floor, Baekhyun silently pulled himself together as Yixing's presence gave him strength, both barely a few centimeters apart and their thoughts only now occupied with one thought: hoping that everything was going to be okay for Jongdae. They stayed that way until Kris opened the door a couple minutes later, peeking in and worriedly looking at the two of them, "You guys alright? We can visit Jongdae now."

The two could only pick themselves up from the floor, the news about the outcome of Jongdae's surgery less than five minutes away as they could only hope good things would be heard.

---

"Do you think he's going to be okay?" Sehun quietly asked Jongin, who was silently sitting beside  him, almost squeezing the life out of the stuffed bear he was holding.

It was one of the gifts that he and the others had picked up for Jongdae, everyone agreeing to grab a few things that would keep the singer occupied while he recovered after surgery since he would be stuck in the hospital for a few days and more or less alone. Visiting hours were limited and they couldn’t exactly all go at once as they could now.

"Baekhyun? Or Jongdae?" Jongin replied, voice shaky and tinged with worry and fear for Jongdae and the rest of the 92 line. Baekhyun and Chanyeol were getting into a fight, something that wasn't uncommon for them, but the words that were exchanged made him more than a bit worried for them as well.

The two were best friends and were always hanging out together, so to see them going at it as they had had only made things even more scary for the dancer. Surgery was already a frightening thing for all of them and for Jongdae to have to go through it had already put him on edge, so seeing Baekhyun yell at Chanyeol as he had, hearing the fear that laced the older boy's voice and seeing blood drip from the other's mouth, made him feel so much worse.

He couldn't believe that Baekhyun had acted that way since the singer was one of the more easygoing members of the group, and towards Chanyeol no less. So to see him almost as if he was on the verge of a breakdown, it was something that Jongin wasn't used to seeing from any of the boys, especially from the 92 liners.

"Well, both, but I was asking more about Jongdae than Baekhyun, because I'm sure Yixing-hyung can handle Baekhyun." Sehun softly said as he pointed towards the other dancer who was now steadily walking down the hall that Baekhyun had ran down moments before. The Chinese member had his brows furrowed from worry, but was ultimately calm and in control of the situation at hand. Yixing was obviously unfazed by the fight that had occurred moments before, so seeing the older boy so collected made Jongin sigh in relief.

Steering his attention towards Chanyeol, wondering if he was okay and taking things as well as Yixing was, he frowned when he noticed the older boy pacing around in circles, muttering about Baekhyun being an idiot and trying to deal with everything himself. But then seeing Kris walk over to the boy and wrap an arm around the other and pull him aside, deep voice barely heard over the chatter that was created by Baekhyun's departure, Jongin had veered his attention back to Sehun. The dancer, compared to some of the others seemed to be quite collected, even as he spoke about Jongdae, but Jongin suspected that wasn’t the case. Squeezing the stuffed bear in his hand, Jongin muttered lowly, "I hope Jongdae will be okay. Minseok says that surgery isn't supposed to be that bad and that Jongdae should be okay afterwards, but I can't help but feel scared for him. I mean, surgery's scary, isn't it?"

Nodding in agreement, Sehun whispered, voice unusually level for what he was speaking about, "Same. It's Jongdae-hyung's voice we're talking about and knowing that there is a chance that something can go wrong scares me. I know he would be devastated if something happened to his voice and just knowing how nice hyung is to us and everyone else, it wouldn't be fair for something to happen… But I can't help but be a bit afraid anyway. I mean, bad things happen to good people, and I can't help but be scared if something goes wrong during surgery."

"Mmhmm, me too you guys," Tao admitted quietly, the boy taking a seat on the other side of Sehun, eyes rimmed with red from crying earlier. The Chinese maknae was doing his best to not start crying again, especially after he had soaked Kris’ shirt, "Jongdae loves singing so much and for him to have surgery to do the very thing he loves again scares me so much. It's-it's, I don't know what it is, but Kris-ge says it's going to be fine, but what if it's not?"

Seeing the boy tear up, Sehun wrapped his arm around the older boy, hoping the gesture would help keep the tears at bay. Out of the three, the youngest  was the least shaky and emotional one of the group while Tao being the most in tune with his emotions.

During China. Jongdae and Tao had gotten quite close as the two bonding over food and dramas during their downtime and situated next to each other on shows and appearances. So it was inevitable that Tao and Jongdae became brothers, something that Jongdae was able to do with each of the boys fairly quickly. But with Tao who was used to hanging out with the China line thanks to his still weak Korean skills, Jongdae was one of the first boys that he actually got close to. The Korean singer’s aura was quite gentle and friendly along with having a smile that was infectious to everyone around him, so it just seemed to pull Tao in like a magnet.

Feeling left out, Jongin moved a bit closer to Sehun too, snuggling into the boy's other side to make a small bubble of comfort in the midst of everyone else's worry.

Minseok and Kyungsoo were silently talking a couple feet away, the older boy distracting Kyungsoo from thinking too much about what was going on, trying to keep him smiling and focused on him rather than his worry for Jongdae. The older boy instinctively knew that Kyungsoo was heading to territories similar to what Baekhyun had been thinking, but he couldn’t help but be more worried and focused on Jongdae's recovery  than anything else. In the meantime, Luhan was attached to Minseok's side, hanging onto the oldest’s every word as he silently listened to Minseok and Kyungsoo speak, the Chinese singer unnaturally silent in a time like this, but drawing as much comfort as he could from the oldest member. Minseok simply allowed for the slightly younger boy to hug him until he had bruises, knowing that Luhan, Kyungsoo, and the others needed him to be strong and a pillar of strength for them as the oldest member.

While near them, Joonmyun and one of the managers were quietly talking to Jongdae's family, his father and brother looking a bit stiff and uncomfortable in their chairs. The two males of the family were worried for Jongdae but unwilling to voice much of their opinions, while Jongdae's mother looked every bit as worried as a mother should be with her eyes rimmed in red and filled with anguish. Looking at her face, it was obvious that she hadn't known everything that had been happening to Jongdae recently, her son resorting to use email and text messaging instead of the phone to talk to her since he didn’t want to make her anymore worried than she was when it came to him. Jongdae was her baby and not being able to keep up to date with everything because of her job and communicating through text only, she didn't know how bad Jongdae had gotten until recently, the boy's messages had been unusually less optimistic as of late.

She had been under the guise that Jongdae had a bad cold instead of a terrible case of laryngitis and vocal nodes as Joonmyun and the manager were quick to explain to her family. However, knowing how her son was and how he disliked burdening others, something that he had gotten from his father, she should have known that something was going on. But with her limited knowledge of vocal nodes paired with Joonmyun and the manager's surprising wisdom on the subject, the latter two taking it upon themselves to know what was going on with Jongdae, she couldn’t help but feel just a slight bit better.

It didn't stop her from worrying though and wondering why her son had to get nodes in the first place, a singer's worst nightmare, that it made her think back to the ultimatum that she and her husband had set. The two of them only wanted the best for Jongdae then as he had been a smart boy and could have gotten into a decent school and obtained a stable job like his father through hard work instead. But their son had wanted to sing as he was talented at it, and knowing how much their son loved music, they allowed him to do what he wanted. Their son proved to them within a couple of months that he had what it took to be a singer and successful too, one of the things they wanted for the boy, that the two readily then accepted their son's career and found that they were quite proud of him and his accomplishments. And seeing him sing and look so happy on stage, they were glad that they had allowed him to do what he dreamed of doing all his life.

But looking at it now and how there was a possibility that Jongdae's singing career could be cut short or at the very least halted for a bit while the boy recovered, she wondered if it was the right decision. However, as she looked around and noticed the other boys and how they all seemed to be in various states of distress and worry, all of them caring for her son, she knew that it was the right choice to allow him to sing. Even if she and the rest of Jongdae’s family couldn’t be there as they wished they could as he was an idol, she felt relieved that instead, he had found a second family with these boys. Then feeling her husband squeeze her hand, the man reacting to her train of thoughts as he had been thinking the same thing, she gave a sigh of relief.

She had to stop thinking so negatively, to trust in Joonmyun and the manager's positivity at Jongdae being able to pull himself through surgery since she knew it firmly in her heart that her little boy wouldn’t settle for anything less. This was her son's choice and the nodes were a setback, a small one at that, and knowing how resilient he was and how he never liked to give up, she couldn't help but trust completely that Jongdae would be okay, that he would come out of surgery fine. And in a few weeks, he would be back to singing circles around everyone, her son's willpower and determination to succeed and do the thing he loved easily halving his recovery time.

Feeling better and more in control than she had moments before, the woman gave a smile and thanked Joonmyun and the manager before telling the former to go check on the other members as she noticed three of the boys huddling in the corner of the waiting room, looking more than a bit unsure and scared of everything that was going on. Seeing surprise flicker across the boy's face at her statement, the leader quickly looked to see where she was looking and frowned at the sight. Turning back to her and her family to excuse himself to take care of the youngest members of the group, Joonmyun started his way over to them.

Letting the boy do what he needed to do as the leader with a gentle smile on her face, she turned to the other three to make a few comments about how nice Joonmyun and the others were. The relief that she had felt before was now flooding through her again as her son had such good friends and was being taken care of, the four exchanging a couple more words before they were interrupted by a nurse calling for Jongdae's family. Giving the manager a small smile and telling him that their oldest would tell them when he and the others could come back and visit Jongdae, the three excused themselves to follow the nurse to where Jongdae was being held.

While back in the waiting room, Joonmyun had situated himself in a chair a foot away from the youngest members of the group, ready to talk things out and comfort the three. Carefully putting a hand on one of Jongin's knees, bringing the three's attention towards him, the leader gave them a small smile and softly asked, "How are you guys going? You three feeling okay?"

Seeing their faces filled with worry, fear, and anxiety for Jongdae and now some of the other members of the group, thanks to Baekhyun and Chanyeol's fight, they shook their heads but didn’t say anything. As the three were unwilling to say a thing, whether it was from emotions or just feeling like they couldn’t, Joonmyun could only give them a gentle look that silently urged them to unload their worries onto him.

He was appointed as a leader for a reason, so he would take anything they had to tell him, support them, and take as much as their worry away as he could. He was able to take Jongdae's worries and help the younger boy come to terms with a few things, Minseok giving him some extra support he had needed at the time to convey his thoughts well and get the boy to understand everything that was going on. But Minseok wasn't there as he was doing his own comforting towards Luhan and Kyungsoo, while Kris was quietly speaking to Chanyeol on the other side of the room, helping the boy overcome any anger or displeasure from his fight with Baekhyun. The latter was even shooting anyone deadly glares if anyone other than the managers and hospital staff looked at the wrong; the tall boy wanted to make sure that nobody would try to do anything to the other boys, to stop any more tension and worry for them.

The group was lucky that there were only a few families were waiting in the secluded waiting room rather than some out of control fan that the boys said they were used to dealing with. SM luckily was keeping the fans at bay with a few public statements telling everyone that Jongdae was undergoing surgery and that when he was recovered, he would be back promoting with EXO in no time. The statements easily explained everything the fans needed to know for the time being, most realizing that Jongdae needed some peace and quiet if the boy wanted to recover well, while the more crazy fans were clueless about where Jongdae and EXO were, scouring every other hospital but finding nothing since they specifically chose one that would be discreet and far away from where they would usually be seen.

While the families in the waiting room didn't seem to recognize the group, and if they did, they didn't say much or try to go up to them and ask for autographs. But it didn't stop Kris from being a tad bit short of being disrespectful with his actions when it came to those that were too curious as he was nearing the end of his frayed nerves at the moment. Joonmyun would have said something, but Kris was just protecting the boys in his own way and right now, Joonmyun had other things to do than worry about Kris giving a few glares here and there.

The three boys in front of him needed him more than anyone else as the others were already doing their part in keeping the rest of the group calm and taken care of. Jongin, Tao, and Sehun were on their own though, doing their best to gather comfort from each other, but easily creating a black hole of worry as their fears and anxiety chipped away at them. Even Sehun, who was usually calm and reserved, was looking a bit unhinged, at least as much as he could really, obviously afraid of what was going on with Jongdae since it was no secret that the singer was one of Sehun's favorite hyungs. While Jongin and Tao looked every bit as worried and scared as Sehun did, but ten times worse as Jongin was literally close to ripping the stuffed animal in half, and Tao was doing his best to keep from crying again but failing miserably as the seconds wore on.

Joonmyun wanted to sigh in pained worry at the sight in front of him, but he held the response in as he instead quietly said, “I know you guys aren’t okay right now and that it may be a bit hard to speak about what is going on, There’s a lot of emotions and things happening at once, but it’s better if you three can try to talk about it to someone other than yourselves right now, okay? Holding everything in and keeping it to yourself isn’t going to do anything but cause more worry for the others, as well as hurting yourself as well. So even if it takes you awhile to say anything, please talk to me about things. I just want to help.”

Seeing where Joonmyun was coming from and knowing that the leader was right, Tao found himself breaking down again, tears falling from his eyes as he clutched Sehun even tighter. The Korean maknae winced a bit at the sudden ferocity of Tao’s hold but shrugged the pain away, cautiously wrapping an arm around the second youngest member instead. While Jongin continued to hold onto the stuffed bear even tighter, almost to the point of damaging it that Sehun couldn’t help but silently take it away from the boy and turn to whisper into the other’s ear, “Hold onto me or hold onto Joonmyun-hyung instead, you’re going to break Jongdae-hyung’s present if you continue to hold it the way you are.”

Nodding at Sehun’s words, wondering how the maknae could be so tough in a situation like this, Jongin ended up fiddling with his hands instead. Not because he didn’t want to hold onto someone, but because Sehun was already being held onto by Tao, who looked anything but happy as he started to silently sob, while Joonmyun seemed too far away from him to even grab onto him and at least situate the leader to his side so he could hold onto him and draw comfort from him instead.

Glancing over then to where Luhan, Minseok, and Kyungsoo were, Luhan still holding onto Minseok for dear life and Kyungsoo was settled quite close to the oldest member’s side, Jongin couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous. Kyungsoo was the person he usually talked to about things, as their friendship was similar to Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s, but Kyungsoo needed comfort too and Jongin didn’t want to burden the other with his thoughts and feelings too, especially since Kyungsoo wasn’t taking things well currently either...

Having a singer - no, having Jongdae who lived, eat, and breathed music lose his voice as he did, it was like a slap to the face, a wake up call that made the vocalists of the group be more than wary and scared that something could easily happen to them or that they were possibly losing the friend they had practiced within the process. Even the members that weren’t necessarily vocalists were worried and scared, but compared to those that were similar to Jongdae, it was like slitting their throats. Or to a dancer, cutting their legs off and expecting them to still be able to dance and enjoy it as much as they had, body unable to keep a rhythm like it used to be able to.

So noticing those things, Jongin stayed close to Sehun, but kept his eyes planted towards his hands as he kept on clasping and unclasping them, nerves making it impossible for him to settle down. But it was better than crying at the moment or breaking down like Tao had done or even Baekhyun, who was most likely confiding in Yixing.

To Jongin, there were only so many people that could break down for such a thing before it became too tiring to deal with, so he continued to ignore Sehun’s words and do his best to handle things himself.

However, noticing Jongin’s behavior, Joonmyun just scooted his chair even closer to the three until his knees were touching Jongin’s. The dancer’s eyes widening at the gesture, Joonmyun just situated himself even closer to the other so that he was within reaching distance, if needed. The leader easily guessed  that Jongin needed comfort, but he looked as if he didn’t deserve to have it right now or was too afraid to ask for such a thing, pride and various reasons getting in the way of him doing so.

“You know, Jongin-ah, you don’t have to be strong in a time like this. I can tell you want someone to hold onto and confide in, and that’s fine. Everyone deserves to be listened to and comforted, even if it seems as if you don’t necessarily deserve it or think that you can’t get it right now. None of you have to shy away from it. It should be a given, so if you want to cry, go ahead and cry. None of you have to hold in your emotions because you feel like you’re burdening others or feel that others are more important than you. We’re a family for a reason, and during these times, it’s okay to breakdown. So if you need to talk, to even say anything, to cry, just talk to me, okay,” Joonmyun reassured the three, before focusing a bit on Sehun, who was now looking anywhere but them, “Even you Sehun. I know you like to keep things to yourself and comfort others instead, but you don’t have to keep everything in if you don’t want to.”

A bit surprised by what Joonmyun said, Tao turned to the other two and asked, voice cracking from crying, “If you need to cry too, you guys can. I can take care of myself for awhile, you don’t need to watch out for me or think you can’t cry because I’m crying.”

Seeing Tao looked so worried for them with eyes shining with tears, face red from sobbing, and looking at them as if they were his best friends and that he didn’t care if they broke down either, Jongin had to look away, a sole tear streaming down his face. A tear that quickly turned into more as Joonmyun softly rubbed the boy’s knee in comfort, showing the dancer that it was okay to cry and that Tao was right. Joonmyun wouldn’t look at them differently if they did so.

While Sehun just tried to ignore the two, because he wasn’t used to crying as openly as the other two did sometimes or relying on many when it came to talking about his feelings. So he just rubbed Tao and Jongin’s back in comfort as the two quietly cried, Jongin finally pulling Joonmyun from his chair to sit right next to them, the four now squished together on the small, padded bench. However, they didn’t care exactly, and just continued what they were doing, Kris making sure no one looked at them wrong while Joonmyun softly told them to cry as much as they wanted and that it was okay to tell him things.

And Jongin did, he quietly unloaded all of his emotions onto Joonmyun’s shoulders, letting the leader deal with the raw anguish, pain, and worry that was there with the flood of tears soaking his shirt through. Jongin told him about how worried he was about Jongdae, how it was unfair that it was Jongdae to get sick, how life was being cruel to someone who had done nothing but be kind to everyone and always have a positive attitude. With hiccups and his usual persona thrown out for the real scared boy on the inside, he continued on with how it wasn’t fair on them to have to see Jongdae have to deal with everything by himself, that Jongdae could potentially lose his voice forever if surgery goes wrong…

Jongin mentioned everything that had been on his, Tao’s, and Sehun’s mind; the latter finally letting a few tears out when Jongin mentioned how hard Jongdae had worked, how he did his best to help others, and how he sometimes believed that he didn’t deserve to cry, even though he had just as much reason to do so as everyone else. Jongdae was always willing to lend a hand to the youngest members or cheer anyone up if needed, being able to give a few jokes and smiles, easily causing the others around him to smile and have their moods lifted by the singer. Not only was Jongdae talented and hard worker, but he was one of the mood makers of the group because of his never-ending positivity and ability to smile in the darkest of situations.

Just seeing something so terrible happen to the singer, to witness the other boy deal with something so excruciatingly painful, not only in the body, but in the mind as well, and still be relatively positive and smiley about things as Jongdae had been, Sehun was sure it was something that would have made the others more than miserable and mean. But no, Jongdae simply continued to try to smile and keep as strong as possible, making Sehun break down a bit as he continued to think about his hyung and everything that was going on.

That when Jongin was finally finished, almost breathless with his worries, Sehun and Tao couldn’t help but continue on, words blubbering out of their mouths too, tears steadily streaming down their eyes. And all Joonmyun did was quietly listen and urge the three to continue, to keep on crying and talking until they felt better, until that dark pit of worry and anxiety was vanquished from their chests. So when they were finally finished speaking, all of them a bit tired from unloading so many thoughts and emotions they didn’t even know they had or had been feeling, they allowed Joonmyun to talk them down, to tell them how proud he was, how strong they were, and that they could come to him or any of the others if the emotions and thoughts got too much.

After a few moments and feeling better than they had earlier,  in ages really, all three were more than thankful that Joonmyun had taken the time to speak to them as they pulled their leader even closer to them to give him a big hug. In the midst of thanking the other boy for his kind words and letting them speak about their troubles, Joonmyun couldn’t help but blush a bit at the gesture, but felt more than glad that he was able to help. He wasn’t the “guardian angel” of EXO for nothing, and now that there were even less members to worry about, he gave them a small smile and said, “No problem, any time you guys, I’m always here if you need to talk, you know that.”

Tightening their hold, they continued to hug for another minute or so, unwilling to let their precious hyung go as everyone was drawing strength and support from each other. The four too busy hugging it out that they didn’t even notice that Jongdae’s older brother, Jongdeok, had situated himself a foot away from them until he had a bit awkwardly cleared his throat, causing the four to jump apart at the low, deep sound of it, the man going on to quietly say, “Jongdae’s surgery went well so you guys can go visit him for a little bit. He’s pretty tired, but he motioned that he wanted to see you guys, so he should be up for a short visit.”

“Thank you, Jongdeok-ssi.” Joonmyun politely replied, face a bit red from embarrassment, but smile tugging at the sides of his lips, showing that he was okay with what had just happened. The other three also looked a bit red in the face as well from all the public affection they had been throwing around amongst each other, but were a bit more composed than their leader since the three were quite used to skinship as they were more partial to be doing it than Joonmyun was used to doing. The only one that seemed to do as much skinship as the maknae line was Jongdae, and that was only because the singer was a tactile type of person who hugged everyone, even his sunbaes.

Smiling at the younger boy and the other members, being reminded of the times that Jongdae would hug him or be the bratty little brother he could be,  he motioned for them to come with him, only for Kris to ask him a question before they could go, “What room is he in?”

Furrowing his brow, Jongdeok replied, “Ah, 145, why?”

“I just have to grab Yixing and Baekhyun from the restroom, so I thought you guys could go on ahead, while the three of us could be by a couple minutes later.”

Nodding in understanding, Jongdeok responded with, “Okay, I’ll just take the others and we’ll see you guys in a bit, alright?”

Giving the man a grateful smile, Kris quickly excused himself from the group with Chanyeol tagging along with a worried expression about Baekhyun settled along his face as the two went to grab the last of their members. Then in the midst of Chanyeol’s quiet mumbling of his thoughts to himself, they quickly found themselves outside the restroom where Yixing and Baekhyun were stored in. The Chinese leader took one look at Chanyeol, gave him a smile, before turning back to the door and softly knocking on it before looking inside cautiously, lowly calling out,  “You guys alright? We can visit Jongdae now,” before closing the door and letting the two compose themselves before coming out.

Chanyeol silently shifted his weight between both legs from nervousness as he waited for the two to come out, fidgeting next to Kris who seemed like the model of strength in a time like this. Even after the leader had spoken to him, the Korean rapper was still nervous about seeing Baekhyun, hoping the boy wasn’t angry at him still or thought that he was angry at him instead. But seeing Yixing calmly step out with Baekhyun behind him, the singer’s eyes downcast, Chanyeol couldn’t help but soften up at the sight. However, he continued to keep his distance, wondering if it was okay for him to speak to the boy yet.

But then as Baekhyun continued to avoid even looking at Chanyeol too, Kris motioned for Yixing to come towards him so they could give the two some space. And with the unspoken communication between them, the Chinese dancer walked over to the taller boy, leaving Baekhyun behind with surprise written all over face at the sudden movement of Yixing slipping away.

The two Korean members remained silent though as they ended up being the only two left in the hallway, both of them hoping for the other to break the ice first. Baekhyun quietly continued looking at his feet, wondering if Chanyeol was angry at him and was ready to yell at him again, while Chanyeol could only nervously wait for Baekhyun to speak first, hoping the older boy would be the one to do so.

Slowly realizing that Chanyeol wasn’t going to say anything, Baekhyun quietly muttered, “Sorry.”

Ears twitching at the sound of Baekhyun’s voice as his head snapped upwards with big brown eyes at the smaller singer, but being unable to hear anything other than muffled words, Chanyeol asked, “Um, what did you say?”

Turning a bit red at the thought of repeating himself, as he was someone who didn’t normally go out of his way to apologize, Baekhyun repeated himself again, voice a bit louder this time, “I said I’m sorry.”

Then it was as if the frozen fear between them was suddenly broken with the exuberance of Chanyeol’s grin becoming so blindingly bright, the rapper couldn’t help but make his way towards the older boy and give him a hug. Not just a hug, but actually picking him up a bit in excitement and relief to the other boy’s words that Baekhyun’s feet hung a couple of inches off the ground. “Thank god, you’re not angry with me! My Baekhyun-ah’s back to normal!”

But he suddenly went still at this odd thought of Baekhyun not being entirely sorry for everything that had happened earlier, that he dropped Baekhyun onto the ground, the taller Korean spluttered in shock to ask, “You are back to normal right? You’re not going to yell at me or say I’m not your friend, right?”

Frowning at Chanyeol’s words, Baekhyun couldn’t help but feel a bit ashamed of himself for telling the other boy that since now that he had cleared his head, he knew it wasn’t true. Back then, he was just so emotional that it was just a shameful way to get the boy to stop talking to him as he shook his head and softly said, “No, I’m not. I’m not going to lash out at you or anything like that… I actually… Uhm, didn’t mean to say the things I did. I just wanted to be alone to wallow in my own self-pity for a bit and I just didn’t want you around. You’re still my best friend, you’re always my best friend, even if I say you aren’t, Yeollie-ah.”

So filled with relief and emotion of the situation actually aligning itself back again to stability between them, Chanyeol couldn’t help but start the tear up a bit at Baekhyun’s words, glad that he had been right and that Baekhyun had in fact been saying things he didn’t mean to put some distance between them. With a slight laugh escaping out of him with his grin becoming even more impossibly wide, Chanyeol hugged the boy again, this time with an apology of his own, “I’m sorry too. I knew you were trying to think things out by yourself and that you needed space, but I interrupted you anyway and instead of letting you just yell at me, I yelled at you too, letting my anger get the better of me as well. So if you’re sorry, then I’m sorry too.”

And as infectious as ever, Chanyeol’s laugh caused for Baekhyun to then smile and laugh quietly as well before he accepted Chanyeol’s apology, wondering how he deserved to have such an amazing friend as he returned the hug. The two simply continued to hug each other until it felt like their arms were going to fall off and with how strong their grip was around each other that it was sure to leave bruises. It was an unspoken relief for the two of them as they both used each other for some last minute comfort, a few more moments passing in content silence before the two felt strong enough to break apart.

All of a sudden as they looked at each other, the two of them burst out in laughter again as they grinned at how dumb they were, hugging each other as if hugging was an actual fighting sport or something. And shaking his head again, this time with a much lighter heart than before, Baekhyun huffed out a quiet, “We’re so stupid,” while Chanyeol could only return it with a few words of his own as he grinned sheepishly, “It’s okay, Luhan and Minseok can be even worse than us.”

“How? Because I’m pretty sure no one tops us,” Baekhyun couldn’t help but state as the two started walking in the direction that Yixing and Kris had headed down where Jongdae was currently in post-operation.

“Supposedly Luhan convinced Minseok to make a bed fort with him and then they proceeded to watch scary movies in it.” Chanyeol said with a proud grin, only for Baekhyun to stop in his tracks to say with a playful smile on his face and a skeptical eyebrow raised, “Pabo! That’s what Jongdae, you and I did that one day we had that day off a couple months back! Aish, how could you forget that? Remember, Jongin and Sehun tried to mess up our fort too. Minseok and Luhan don’t do things like that, they bond over soccer and eating, not homemade bed forts, you pabo.”

Looking a bit sheepish as he thought back to that time period, a surprised expression coming to his face as Chanyeol suddenly remembered the three of them had in fact made a bed fort and watched scary movies all day, Jongdae hiding his face into one of their shoulders whenever a scary part came on. It was obvious already then that the singer liked to watch romantic comedies instead of being roped into watching the latest horror movies with them (what they preferred to watch with an unnatural amount of glee) as Chanyeol couldn’t help but rub the back of his neck in embarrassment, “Oh, yeah, I forgot… No wonder I knew that story so well, it was us!”

And with his usual clucking of his tongue at Chanyeol’s seemingly odd trails of thoughts, Baekhyun dragged the boy down the hall until they saw Yixing and Kris waiting for them a hundred feet ahead, sitting in a pair of chairs and going over a few things. With the sound of their rambunctious laughter echoing ahead of them which was a ready sign of them having made up now, Yixing and Kris quickly picked themselves out of their chairs to smile at them as the two caught up to them with Kris asking, “Ready to go see Jongdae?”

Baekhyun nodded his head, completely comfortable again with his hand laced with Chanyeol’s for comfort, “Yeah, let’s go.”

With that, the four finally made their way to Jongdae’s room, while on the other side of the hospital, the rest of the boys were giving an unsuspecting and slightly drugged Jongdae a few gifts and presents. The singer nho was now smiling and looking happier than he had in days while the others were simply glad that the singer seemed to be okay.

Many of the boys couldn’t help but feel as if they had dodged a bullet; Jongdae was okay and that’s all that mattered.

---

How’s our son doing?”Jongdae’s father quietly asked his wife, wondering how Jongdae was taking the news of his surgery.

Moments earlier, the surgeon had quietly explained what happened during surgery, going over a few main points during his talk, highlighting the fact that they did have to make some incisions close to recurrent laryngeal nerve, a nerve that supplied function and sensation to the larynx. But  with an exhausted and triumphant smile, he also mentioned that they were expecting Jongdae to make a full recovery if he rested his voice and went to speech therapy after a couple weeks. Not only that, but the hope for him to be speaking in a couple weeks and most likely being able to go back to singing with EXO in a couple months was high, if the boy did as he was instructed and didn’t do anything too strenuous to wreck his voice in the coming weeks since the next couple were quite vital to his recovery.

Trying to take in all of that information and process it all, while her emotions were fluttering every which way like butterfly had nested itself in her heart, Jongdae’s mother could only say, “Mm, let me check to see how he’s doing.”

Her husband then nodded as he let his wife open the door to Jongdae’s room, opening it to the sight of seeing all of EXO looking a hundred times better than they had in the waiting room and Jongdae smiling, a genuine smile, instead of the drug induced ones she was expecting still. Simply basking in the relieved peace that now surrounded the group, soft laughter and smiles being passed around to all, she quietly closed the door and turned back to her husband with a smile of her own, this one the brightest of the day, “I’m sure he’s going to be fine, and as long as he takes care of his voice and has those friends of his by his side. I don’t think we’ll have anything to worry about.”

“Yeah, you’re right, I’m sure things will be fine, Jongdae wouldn’t allow himself to be anything else, right?” Jongdeok mentioned, the young man with a faint smile on his face as he stood a few steps away from his parents. The brother was silently staring outside, absently humming one of EXO’s songs under his breath as he could only be glad that Jongdae was fine. The faith that they all had in the youngest member of their family was strengthened even more than before as they all now had high hopes that Jongdae could recover and make a comeback in a couple months, bursting forward even stronger, something that only Jongdae knew how to do.

On Jongdeok’s other side though, his  father could only nod with slightly furrowed brows, still a bit skeptical of what had happened to his son and the surgeon’s words. Unlike his wife and oldest son, the man still held reservations about truly being completely relieved until he received the true outcome that they all wanted: for Jongdae to fully regain his voice and to sound as powerful as before. But with how happy his wife seemed to be and how much faith Jongdeok had in Jongdae making a full recovery, the man softly agreed with the rest, even if his heart didn’t fully believe it yet,  “Yes, it does seem that Jongdae will be okay.”