Without Saying
Without Saying
“He insisted that stars were people so well loved, they were traced in constellations, to live forever”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
They are both in his room, Sulli and Chanyeol, she was on his bed watching the HD version downloaded Iron Man 3, as he paces angrily and tells her about his promiscious girlfriend Jiyeon and their epic fail relationship, which (thankfully) has just ended. he is pacing around the room as if he's still chasing her,telling Sulli the story of their break-up even though the latter have heard it like a broken reel of tape, over and over again that day, in fact she could retell the story as if she's present in that heart-wrenching moment.
Moments later, Chanyeol falls into the bed panting, and laugh at the ceiling. He wishes Sulli's heartbreak next, and cackled like a psychomaniac, because he's had enough tantrums the previous night. He then comforted himself with the endless rants that girls they're a bunch of drama queens then turn es and he just
couldn't stand their mood swings, and Sulli smiled because Chanyeol added hastily that she's an exception saying she's not like that.
Sulli was half-listening, half listening and three-quarters watching (because she's a big fan of Iron Man, she was the one who wheedled Chanyeol into watching), as Chanyeol babbled, still, about Jiyeon because apparently it was then that he realized that ex-girlfriend of his is a self-centered who only loves herself. Sulli nodded in agreement as he talk profanities about her, because she knows he'll get tired and shut up.
She didn't settle for an "I told you so." Because looking at Chanyeol, he's had enough, and yes he heard her that time, he just didn't care. And now here they are, here he is, all ed up.
“ing !”He yells in a mock fit of frustration running his hands through his hair. It's quite the first time he burst out like this. She calmed him down, offering chocolate, Chanyeol glared at her, but took it nonetheless. And then he cries, fingers pressing to his eyes, as if that will stop the tears from flowing. She sighs, stares and began soothing circles in his back.
Does it go without saying that she loves him?
Yes, of course it goes without saying.
***
Chanyeol didn't took notice of Sulli at first. She doesn't stand out. Like the rest of Minseok, his brother's friends. And on his birthday, Minseok threw a party. Sulli was invited because she is a common friend, but that didn't matter anyway cause it seems like she's more interested in the flowers near the pool.
Chanyeol saw her staring at the roses. She senses she's being watched and blushes.
“Am I disturbimg you?" He asks striding towards Sulli.
“Roses" she says“In April.”
He doesn't know how to respond so he looked away. Eyes trailing to the dancefloor, and there's Minseok making out with some girl.
Peeking at Sulli, she had her tongue rolling inside in embarrasment, looking down, cheeks burning, clearly not used to the scene in front of her.
Chanyeol cleared his throat. "Guess we should go somewhere not here."
They left the garden and head to a couch inside the villa. The conversation starts and eventually goes on, for a couple of weeks, thdey sure had a lot to talk about. Sulli was surprised, surprised and, pleased with this new found friendship she has with Chanyeol. She's enjoying whatever it is that they are doing, it maybe just catching up or just smiling in greeting, she's contented. Sometimes, it confuses her, leaves her thinking if they're now crossing the bridge of something more. And so she waits, waits, for a sign. Then she looks harder, pays attention to the minutest details. He calls her his brand-new-friend and she can 't help but wonder, is that it? Then guilt ate those wonderings, those thoughts of being something more. A brand-new-friend that she is to him, so be it.
***
Sulli wishes that she could undo her love for Chanyeol. It's awkward and embarrasing. She can't tell anyone about it, not because she's friendless but because admitting that fact will lead her to the point of no return.
She wonders if he knows, and prays he doesn't. She wants him to read between the lines, so she sends him subtle signals. The telepathy never works.
Then she tries to fall for other people, hoping that he'll realize that he loves her so and swoon her away from the faceless people whom she's not inlove to begin with. But it didn't work that way.
***
Chanyeol introduced Sulli to one of his friends, Joonmyeon, and she said that there's no way she'll be interested because Joonmyeon is one pompous dimwit and Sulli insisted that he's not her type. She's not good at taming people. Chanyeol laughs (his signature laugh that Sulli loves) and jokes about Sulli's absurd standards. "Your standard is too much." he complains, he won't introduce her to his friends again.
"One day, my prince will come and save me from my distress." Sulli retorted in a dreamy tone and waits patiently hoping that Chanyeol will reply "But what if your prince is right under your nose?"
Instead he says, "Well, as long as he's not one of those supercillious princes..”
Sulli wishes Chanyeol would get a clue, although she wouldn't give him one.
She wishes he's not such prince, but wishes he's a frog who needs to be saved, that which she'll be willing to do so.
***
Sulli imagined Chanyeol confessing to her, almost everyday. Imagines Chanyeol saying absurd things, comparing her metaphorically with such things like the sun and the moon. She pictures him saying his declarations of love, exaggerating a bit just to show how much he loves her. Of course, one can dream.
Everyday she would think a thousand and one situations wherein Chanyeol finally took notice of her feelings for him, then she would imagine herself answering him in more ways than one. Wether she would be hard to get at first or she'd accept him that instant, afraid he would change his mind. This day is not out of ordinary, as she readies herself because Chanyeol called her a while ago, asking her to come to his house, apparently he needs someone to talk to just like any other days before.
***
After thinking much carefully, Sulli starts to send Chanyeol signs. Telling him that there are many fish in the sea, he deserves someone better, hoping that he'll take the bait and choose her instead.
There are times when they spent a boring afternoon together and Chanyeol asks her what she wants to do, and she thinks that one day she'll just lose all her self-control and end up with her leaning over and kissing Chanyeol then afterwards saying “I've always wanted to do that."
It doesn't happen. It won't happen.
Instead, the signals which seems to her to be so obvious and cosmic, so humongous and colossal, are as oblivious to Chanyeol just like the presence of air in a vacuum. There are no breathtaking moments. No life-changing words. No slow-mo events. And so Sulli falters, fall back to sides, to jokes. And she's contented that he doesn't know, wondering if it is better that way. Enlightenment is scary. Sometimes things look better in the dark.
These are some of the things she cannot say to him.
“When I am with you, there is nowhere else I’d rather be. And I am a person who always wants to be somewhere else.”
"How come you have enough time to go out and make other girls fall in love with you, but you dont have enough time to pay attention to the girl who already is?"
“I'm sorry. I didn't choose this. It just happened"
****
Chanyeol was by far disturbed, his world rotating from east to west. His clothes almost burnt, shoelaces tangled into a mess of knots. He was incognizant. He turns on the faucet without turning it off, finds the tub overflowing with warm water. His wallet soaking wet cause he accidentaly threw it in the laundry. He is haunted by Jiyeon's last words.
Sulli is on her way over. Chanyeol regrets this, because really all he can think about is Jiyeon.
An hour ago, Jiyeon called him to meet her. She says it's the decency to say goodbye to a friend, she's migrating to Canada, to pursue her dream. The reason they broke up. He was on the edge, edge to kneel in front of her and beg and say the words.
"Please, don't go. I love you. I need you, Jiyeon." but he knows better than saying those phrases. He knows that nothing will ever be the same. He can bombard Jiyeon with words, stories, monologues, and whatever without letting the biggest boulder loose.
***
The next hour, Chanyeol drags Sulli in an obscure planetarium in Jungnang, Seoul. Says he wants to unwind to keep his mind from some things, and Sulli gave him a worried look because she knows he's just concealing his sadness.
Sulli could've looked at the ceiling or those glasses which exhibits the stars and the sky and meteors and other wondrous things in the outer space. The glasses on the walls are reflective, she could see Chanyeol entertaining himself, she could see her own hand reaching out to hold Chanyeol's , thinking if he would hold her back, but, no, that was just a daydream mapped on the glass.
They moved from one figure to another, one constellation to the other. Chanyeol playfully covered the captions with his palm asking Sulli to guess the constellation they were seeing. Sulli, who was baffled at the moment guessed wrong, she guessed Orion for the Cassiopeia. She even mistakened Aries to Leo. Chanyeol didn't correct her about it she realized it herself, thus not saying anything.
"Guess again! You're almost right." Chanyeol coaxed, playfully tugging at Sulli's sleeve, patting her head tenderly after the 4th consecutive miss. Guess guess guess, Sulli thought, pouting at Chanyeol, tugging him likewise, and looking at his eyes in the reflection in front of her.
Chanyeol was quiet again, he resumed his interest in the figures and heaves a sigh, Sulli felt her heart do a somersult. It was a strange feeling but it felt perfectly natural, as if he had nothing to do with it. In a spur of a moment Sulli wanted to tell Chanyeol about it, which would mean telling him about everything.
But Chanyeol is already talking as if there weren’t any awkward silences, talking about galaxies and universe. Sulli wanted to interject, thinking about parallel universe and maybe finally confessing, but she was afraid of spoiling what had been a wonderful afternoon. Chanyeol is still talking about the stars, brighter than the sun, Sirius, Canopus, Mintaka and Betelguese, and she chimes in Polaris, and he shook his head, it's not one of the brightest. Sulli thinks, among the stars in Chanyeol's life, she's the Polaris. She may not be the brightest, but in the dark she'll stand out from the rest.
Sulli remained quiet. Drowning in self-pity and sadness.
***
There's a point in time where Sulli comes to a decision. Chanyeol is talking to her about his morning and suddenly more than anything else, she just wants to kiss him, or those nights where they will talk about anything. When they share a bed on those movie marathons, and inevitably sharing a fleeting glance. Sometimes, Chanyeol changes his shirt in front of Sulli , like it's the most natural thing in the world, oblivious of the things running inside Sulli's head, ignorant of her true feelings for him, and she just wants to pounce on him and punch him, scream right at him the words : "You don't have any ing idea how much I love you! She doesn't have any idea! She's the lucky one. Chanyeol stop thinking, I'm here. "
Chanyeol is indeed a frog, but Sulli thinks, he doesn’t need her to save him from a miserable life. Maybe, he needs, expects someone else.
***
The question lingers in silence. The question is there in every awkward eye contacts, but Sulli cannot voice it out.
Do you love me now, even not as much as I love you?
Chanyeol lends her his sweater, hugs her instead of saying hello, she kisses him on the cheek during goodbyes, silently proclaiming her declarations of love, and Sulli tries to measure for that extra beat, pays attention for the hitch of breath.
Sulli lingers in his apartment; Chanyeol lingers, much longer in her thoughts. When he touches her, she's electrified.
Some nights, they lie on the floor sharing chips, watching movies, knees overlapping, too close, not good for her heart.
Seldom, they're on the couch laughing at the corniest gag show, bodies inclined to each other.
On starry nights, they're at the rooftop, staring at the wonderful canvass above them, Chanyeol is playing connect-the-dots, pointing out big and small dipper and Orion, claiming that she should remember it for he will bring Sulli to that planetarium again and play that guessing game, because he loves seeing the stars, even in broad daylight. Sulli asks him to shut up, or he'll see stars running in circles above his head. Chanyeol chuckled and rests his head on her shoulders.
"Where is Polaris though." He mumbled, and Sulli almost laughs at the irony, she wants to answer him "just right beside you."
Moments later he's humming Shining Star, and she can't help it so she hums along.
Do you love me now, even not as much as I love you?
***
There are good reasons, there are bad reasons,but most of all, there are too many reasons. They don't have to voice it out. Sometimes reasons that they don't even know, it just exist. They cloud, they crush, they deceive. They are too much and never enough. But there's always a reason for everything, most people say.
There are always acceptance and moving on in everything. You move on from everything. Time heals old wounds, it might take too long but eventually, one forgets. Then comes a brand new day.
***
Chanyeol rings Sulli's doorbell, rings the doorbell again after the first and waits for her to open it. Sulli watches Chanyeol's mouth as he tells her about his morning, observes his face as it shifts from one expression to another, it amuses her. He sits alone in her kitchen waiting for her to get ready. They're going to the planetarium again. A smile playing on his lips. They boarded the train and then walk arm in arm. And Sulli thought that even if she lose Chanyeol in a crowd, he'll find him anyway, because she belongs right there in his arms.
To fall inlove is not a question.
What to do with your love is the question.
There is nothing worse than a ruined friendship, nothing better than a companion. Somewhere in between lies risk. Risking a friend to gain a companion.
Today. Sulli will take a risk.
***
Today is quite different, Sulli's insides are nowhere near calm. She's about to take a risk, no one will do it for her if she doesn't. She's lost in her thoughts, oblivious of the worried glances that Chanyeol was giving her that moment.
They're at the constellations again, Sulli wonders, why Chanyeol's a whole lot interested in constellations than other universal bodies. She didn't thought of asking. Chanyeol is smiling at her, as if mocking her, and she smiled, she knows what's coming.
"Guess guess guess Sulli!" He singsonged covering the captions of the figures, this time Sulli passed,with just two mistakes, to which Chanyeol boasts about him being an effective teacher.
Then they're on the mini planetarium theatre, currently watching a videoclip about outerspace, galaxies, stars, meteors and such. You'll remember Hogwarts when you look up, because the ceiling imitates the night sky. It looks surreal from their view. Again, Chanyeol states how much he loves the stars and the sky, and then remained quiet in his place. And Sulli's heart is beating fast, it feels like she's about to jump on a cliff, not knowing if there is someone at the bottom who cares enough to catch her.
The silence pains her, it urges her to break it, she's walking on the gallows, almost a second away from jumping, from saying it.
Chanyeol, You have no idea how much I love you. But before she could even start, Chanyeol beat her to it.
"Guess what Sulli?" Chanyeol asks, it was out of this world. Sulli asks him what, and he gestured her to look up in the ceiling, curious in whatever it is up there that interrupted her moment, she looked up.
A pair of lips landed on her cheeks. Then a life-changing, heart-stopping, breathtaking whisper. " I love you too."
Sulli's breath hitches, as she darts her vision to the boy beside him, heaving a sigh of relief, as if saying that finally, he did it.
Misty-eyed, Sulli reaches over and pulls Chanyeol towards her. She have him in tight hug, she plunges, she will not let go for a minute, or maybe forever. She can do it. Chanyeol holds Sulli and treasures her. And now Sulli believes that there are kisses and laughs and risks worth taking.
Does it go without saying that she loves him?
Yes, of course it goes without saying.
Chanyeol knew and he loved her back.
There are happy endings. There have to be.
A/N part 2: SO i did a little bit of fixing. typos here and there.. :3
A/N:So how was it? at first, i dont want to write a happy ending in this one to make it more dramatic, if it's not. haha. but there you go. :) and thank you for reading.
Have you guys heard B.O.Y because of you by Secret?
It's my current favorite. I suggest you listen to it. ^^
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