Joonmyun has this tendency to crawl inside his head, eyes blank and face emotionless as he takes count of everything he's done to fail as a leader and how he can make it right so it doesn't happen again.  It occurs mostly on those days when their schedules are short enough to allow spare time to creep in before they fall in bed.  On more than one occasion he questions why he was ever put in this position.  He thinks maybe it's because he had the most experience in the company, maybe because they had nowhere else to put him.  Maybe it was pity.

 

His thoughts plague him even after he falls into a fitful sleep, arms and legs tangled in the sheets as he rolls over again.  The dark bags under his eyes in the morning worry him more than the nagging feeling of being substandard because he's used to his mind being his own worst enemy, but he doesn't particularly enjoy the disapproving stares he receives when they have to layer extra concealer to make him look human.  

 

A manager nags at him on one side and he patiently nods his head as Sehun keeps tugging on his arm to get his attention because what he has to say is far more important, obviously.

 

"Hyung, is there food here?" Sehun asks once their manager walks off.  Joonmyun merely gives the boy a soft smile and guides him over to the table filled with snacks suitable for them to nibble on before the photoshoot begins.  Jongin is already there, mouth full as Sehun happily joins in.  The smile on his face falters for a moment before he leaves them, going to check on the other members because if Chanyeol isn't by the food, he's up to no good.  Moments later, Baekhyun is tearing out of a door with Chanyeol not far behind, laughing far too maniacally for Joonmyun's liking.  He makes an executive decision to leave them be because he can't hope to catch up and there's a stylist headed right for him.  Again.  

 

Joonmyun lets out a deep sigh.  It's going to be a long day.

 

 

 

 

He feels spread too thin, like if he stretches his arms wide enough, his skin will rip across his chest and everything he is - a culmination of dreams and aspirations and longings - will tumble to the floor.  And then he'd apologize for making a mess because he'd feel bad about it; bad that he failed, bad that he couldn't do everything they asked of him.  Some days are better than others, not worrying so much if everyone is where they need to be or if there's enough food to feed them all adequately because some days things fall into place neatly.  It's all those other days that get him in the gut, like a shiv broken off in his belly that twists with every breath he takes.  He hides it all with a smile pulled tight across his tired skin.

 

Jongin is practicing late again despite Joonmyun's protests.  So he's there too, posture drooping and the exhaustion edging in on him as the boy starts his dance over.  It was perfect the last time and it's perfect this time, but Jongin isn't stopping; won't stop until he's forced.  Joonmyun is the one who gets up and turns off the music.  He's the one who forces Jongin's body to halt before it breaks and hauls him home so he can get some well needed rest.  And because he's feeling guilty about the pout on Jongin's face, he lets him have the dinner set aside for him too, sliding the wrapped plate toward the boy before drinking a glass of water to fill his stomach.  He goes to bed with an unhappy tummy and a headache that isn't gone by morning.

 

Sehun's screeching voice is what pulls him out of a half-sleep at the table while they eat a hurried breakfast.  It makes Joonmyun jump in his seat, eyes sliding all the way open again and he's thankful for the first time ever for Sehun's excitement because his food was about to be stuck to his face.  Kyungsoo gives the youngest a disapproving look before sliding more food onto Joonmyun's plate.  All he can manage is a weak smile in return before slowly eating.

 

Their other half is coming back today which is the explanation for everyone's excitement.  They haven't seen each other in a few weeks and there seems to be more energy swirling in the air.  Joonmyun pets Jongin's head affectionately when it falls on his shoulder, letting the dancer pick the extra food off his plate as he talks animatedly with Chanyeol.  The group makes plans that most likely will never happen because their schedules change so often free time is usually snapped away.  He doesn't bother mentioning it because the smiles on their faces right now make everything a little easier to deal with.

 

Luhan's voice is the first to permeate the chatter and all hell breaks loose.  Everyone scrambles from the table save for Joonmyun who takes the opportunity to slide his plate away and rest his head on the wooden surface.  He hears familiar voices booming loud in the small room and his head is throbbing and his jaw clenches to keep from yelling at them all to shut up.  It's not their fault he feels like he's cracking into pieces.  Not really.  So he waits until he has himself in check before speaking. 

 

"Can you please keep it down some?" he asks with a soft smile that hides how weary he is.  The boys nearest to him keep chattering even though he knows they heard.  He can tell by the way Sehun's mouth twitches up on one side and the mischievous grin on Luhan's face.  The brats.  He opens his mouth to ask a little more forcefully when someone else beats him to it.

 

"Calm down!" Wufan's booming voice calls out and all conversation dwindles to a suitable volume.  Only Joonmyun isn't pleased.  Inadequacy is seeping into his pores, settling in his bones and it creaks when he moves out of his seat and pads down the hall to his room.  He hears the footsteps behind him, but closes the door anyway.  "Can I come in?" Wufan asks in a softer voice.

 

"No."

 

Wufan's presence is always a welcomed double-edged blade.  On one hand, the co-leader is a support, someone he can rely on to help.  On the other, Wufan's a direct example of what he should be but isn't.  He knows he shouldn't resent the other man, should stop striving to be him, but he can't.  When he sees how well the members under Wufan behave and are quick to listen to his orders, Joonmyun's left with the bitter taste of self loathing.  Funnily enough, Wufan's also the only one who can pull him out of his own head for a while.  But right now he needs to be away.

 

It's not the last time Wufan tries to get him alone, but Joonmyun blocks all further attempts with excuses about responsibility and schedules and he fits himself comfortably next to Yixing during their stay.  Yixing is a calming factor, voice quiet and actions subdued and Joonmyun thinks he can finally breathe despite the distinct feel of Wufan's eyes boring a hole in the side of his face.  He knows exactly what the other leader is trying to do and while he appreciates the effort, it's unnecessary.  Wufan doesn't need to help Joonmyun with his baggage because he has his own.  Joonmyun's gaze falls on Luhan attempting to shove a hand down the top of Minseok's shirt and his point is proven.  He wouldn't trade Chanyeol and Jongin combined for Luhan, watching as the man causes his prey to topple onto the floor, climbing deftly over poor Minseok to claim his territory.

 

Joonmyun almost feels guilty when the group has to part ways again, Wufan leaving with a half-hearted wave and the other leader tossing out a sad smile behind him.  But really, it's best if he deals with things on his own.

 

 

 

 

The first few days after a split are the worst.  It's extra difficult to put a halt to the nonstop texting during dance practices and not-so-secret phone calls and skype sessions in the middle of the night because they miss each other.  Joonmyun even has to admit he's been tempted to call Wufan once or twice, but he doesn't.  He has more self control than that and he has to set a good example.  It's about restraint and he won't give in no matter how much he simply needs.  

 

He hits the delete button, backspacing the text written in too bright letters in the dark of his room.  Sehun shifts in the bed across from his and Joonmyun puts down the phone, fingers curling in his pillow as he imagines Wufan next to him.

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun is tired of smiling, tired of lying about how he's holding up and hiding his emotions behind the stupid facade of Suho.  It's an act he can't even drop when they're out of the limelight because s need him to always be strong.  His hands shake as he packs for their flight and he can't seem to stop the trembling which leads to his eyes watering in frustration.  Something needs to give, needs to give him a break or he'll be the one cracking into pieces.  Sehun and Chanyeol bicker in the hallway and Kyungsoo is yelling down for Jongin to hurry up and get out of bed and Joonmyun should be out there mediating, but he can't.  Not like this.

 

The dorm falls quiet when Joonmyun walks down the hall, bag in hand and lips set in a tight line without a word.  He doesn't order Jongin out of bed.  He doesn't quell the dispute between Chanyeol and Sehun and he certainly doesn't chide Kyungsoo for cooking too much since it will go to waste.  The leader just sits, forcing his hands into a clasped ball in his lap as he waits for the din in his head to clear.  Only it doesn't.  It's still persistent when they're loaded in the van.  It festers as he splays a smile on his face for the walk through the airport.  The roar of the engines on the plane merely make it worse and by the time they land, he's fairly sure he's losing his mind.

 

It gets bad enough that Jongin walks with him through the crowds, a hand on his arm and worry in his eyes.  He tries to smile it away, brush it off like it's nothing but he's not fooling any of them.  When Jongin gets clingy with him, he knows he's being obvious.  The only thing he manages to do is utter a soft thanks before they're piled inside a van, heading to a hotel where they'll be meeting up with their other half.  At least Sehun will stop whining now.

 

 

"I want to room with Sehun," Tao announces over the dull rumble of conversation.  They're all gathered into a haphazard circle, discussing arrangements for the evening.  It seems Joonmyun can't get a moment's peace because the entire normal pattern of hotel rooming is being tossed out the door.  

 

Members begin bickering, plucking room keys out of Joonmyun's hands and putting others back as he watches helplessly.  "Hyung, you'll room with Luhan so I can stay with Tao, right?" Sehun asks and the leader can't even answer because someone else butts in.  

 

And he's left out again as they argue, voices raising in the hall until Joonmyun pulls inside himself.  Wufan is approaching from the elevator, his presence unnoticed by everyone because they're too busy acting like little children.  It's so uncharacteristic for Joonmyun to lose his temper, to raise his voice that when he does, silence descends.  

 

"Shut!  Up!" he barks, eyes narrowed and hands shaking again.  Eleven pairs of wide eyes fixate on his face and he feels everything boiling under his skin.  Attempting to not make a bigger fool out of himself, he takes the top room key and shoves the rest in Yixing's hands.  "Figure it out yourselves."

 

Joonmyun turns on his heel and stomps down the hall with the weight of their stares heavy on his back before entering his room and slamming the door.  The noise isn't quite as satisfying as he'd hoped, but it's a start - a start at unwinding.  And the best way to continue this trend is a long hot shower.  He doesn't have to hurry up because there's a lack of hot water, doesn't have to wrestle with Sehun to stop primping in the mirror so they're not late, doesn't have to deal with Chanyeol barging in to use the bathroom and letting all the warm air out.

 

Joonmyun simply soaks in the humidity, lets the almost too hot water run down his back and the heat begins the slow process of untensing his muscles.  Water drips from his hair onto his face and he blinks it away as he allows all his worries to swirl down the drain even if it's only for a little while.  They'll be alright without his guidance for one night, right?

 

He sighs and turns off the water, standing in the silent room as the pitter-pattering of water droplets falling from his hair land with a splat on the tile and goosebumps begin pricking at his skin.  They probably have all settled in their rooms now, decompressing from the day and - if he knows them - up to no good.  Except for the sap stuck rooming with Wufan.  Joonmyun dries off and wraps the towel around his waist before padding out of the room and shivering at the rush of cold air on his damp skin.  

 

He's met with Wufan standing only a few feet away and if he hadn't looked up from the floor, he would have run smack into him.  The other leader doesn't look particularly pleased, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed (which may just be how they naturally settle) and a frown on his face.  He should have known.

 

"Can you save the lecture for tomorrow?  I'm tired," he mumbles and tries to circle around the large man to get to his bag.  Joonmyun desperately wants to dress in warm pajamas and wriggle under the blankets so he can sleep and maybe feel better in the morning.  

 

"Stop avoiding me."

 

There's a hand wrapped around his upper arm, fingers digging into his skin and Wufan's voice leaves little room for negotiation.  Joonmyun slumps, sighing deeply and reorienting his gaze on the man still holding him from moving away.  Wufan looks torn and he regrets that he's made him worry - yet another thing to add to the list of -ups.  His resolve is wavering and he sees the brief flash of victory flicker across Wufan's face.  "You don't need to worry about me and my problems," he finally says, eyes cast down to the floor.

 

"But I do," Wufan replies, voice a lot softer now that Joonmyun isn't running away.  "I worry and I want to help you."  Joonmyun hunches his shoulders in defeat and allows Wufan to draw him in closer.  "Let me be the one."

 

It isn't a flood so much as a crack, everything beginning to trickle out until it grows bigger and suddenly Joonmyun's clutching the front of Wufan's shirt as tears race down his cheeks.  Strong arms hold him up, keep him steady as it presses down on his chest in an ache he can't ignore.  Everything hurts.

 

Joonmyun wants to claw his own heart out and hand it over because he can't keep it under control anymore.  Shaky fingers wind up until they find the back of Wufan's neck before they dig into the skin and force the other man's head down.  Wufan looks almost surprised when Joonmyun lifts onto his toes to bring their mouths together, but he doesn't pull away.  Joonmyun kisses like he has nothing left to lose and everything to give.

 

Every press of Wufan's lips seems to lessen that horrid feeling curling in the pit of his stomach and Joonmyun is loathe to part with him.  Although it's inevitable.  Wufan pries him away with gentle hands and a soft look painted on handsome features.  "You're going to catch a cold like this," he chides and Joonmyun blushes when he remembers he's still in a towel.  It isn't as if Wufan hasn't seen him before, but there's something about his vulnerability that makes him feel more exposed.

 

As if sensing his minor distress, Wufan keeps his back turned as Joonmyun slips on his pajamas, using the damp towel to dry his hair a bit more before hanging it up in the bathroom.  There are two beds in the room and Wufan leads him to the one furthest from the door.  Joonmyun sighs as Wufan lays next to him and runs a large hand down the side of his face.  "Stop running from me."

 

Joonmyun nods and Wufan smiles before kissing him again.  Each one leaves him smiling wider and wider until he drags Wufan halfway on top of him so the strain in his neck eases.  Their eyes meet and Joonmyun yelps when Wufan pinches the inside of his thigh.  "You're losing weight."

 

"Sorry," he tries to get out, but Wufan's already kissing him again, swallowing down his half-hearted apology.

 

"I'm going to take care of you."  Wufan's deep voice rumbles in his chest and Joonmyun's heart skips a beat.  

 

"Ok," he breathes and he finally lets himself fully relax.  Because Wufan's there to catch him.

 

 

 

 

When Joonmyun wakes in the morning, the heavy weight of Wufan's arm draped over his stomach, all his problems are still there.  Yet a smile finds its way onto his face, a genuine happiness working into his mind and he figures maybe sometimes he can be the one who needs support.  Joonmyun is aware the morning wake-up calls will start soon and he should get out of bed to wrangle the others before they end up late, but he doesn't.  He burrows further into Wufan's body, the comfort melting into his skin and he closes his eyes to drift off for a little while longer.

 

Wufan's grip on him tightens and Joonmyun feels the weight lifting off his shoulders.

 

Just a little more.

- - - 
A/N: It's not ty!