Hope

Marcus Cho is his name. Young, handsome, smart enough to skip some grades. Now he's a fully-educated science teacher in high school, only twenty-five years old. His life has been perfect the whole way. Never has he lacked anything, never has he not had everything in his hands. Drowned in money since he was a kid, and he's always had everything he ever needed. But when something bad actually happened, it was horrifying and disturbing. Luckily, bad things rarely happened to Marcus. 

What is he doing now? Ruining things for himself, all because of his huge ego. He's so used to being spoiled that he just can't handle anything. 

It is late. The clock is two in the middle of the night, or in the morning, as some people say. He hasn't done anything he might regret.. yet, he isn't far away from home, can turn anytime. The sky is just as black, dark and empty as his eyes are at the moment, it's cloudy, not a single star to see, the moon is hiding as well tonight. Even though it's spring, the night wind is cold, and feels like small knives that are softly cutting the small amount of skin he's showing. The bridge is  wide, or so it seems for Marcus when he is walking in such an unconscious, half-awake way, slowly, and unable to think properly of his surroundings, because he's lost in his thoughts. At least he knows he's on a bridge, and his way home.

Why does it hurt so much for Marcus? This is unusual, he's so good at shoving his feelings away to some place deep down in his body. Now he can't do anything but to feel all these feelings he never thought he had. He can feel butterflies in his stomach, that it gets warmer inside him, and that he gets so lonely so easily, but he can't love. Can't show that he loves. Coward. He's just a coward, hiding because he feels, keeping a distance he doesn't break no matter how much he wants to. Scared because he can't do a thing, can't do anything to make it better again because he's not good enough, doesn't believe in himself. He can't do anything but to complain about himself, complain to others. Nothing but to need attention and love, when he himself is unable to give. And then he complains yet again when he achieves exactly that, feels like he doesn't deserve it, shouldn't be loved. 

Mostly, he blames all the short, long, deep, shallow, big, small scars on his back, and all those that have already been healed and hospitalized, the invisible ones. 

And then we have all the stress he feels. Where does it come from? And what kind of a twisted way does he handle it in? It doesn't hurt, but others will obviously not believe him. He knows what he's doing, understands how it works, he's a science teacher. Absolutely everything causes him stress, all these feelings just adding up to it, he really does not need them. All the punishment he has given himself has only made him weaker, all while he thought he was getting stronger.

He is an emotional mess. 

There's nothing he wants anymore. Nothing he has to lose. Without him, it can be it gets a tad different for some of those who he knows, but without him it will most likely just get better for them as well. Anyways, this is something Marcus has been considering for several years of throwing up on purpose, freezing even if he had the opportunity to keep warm, and not eating even if he got food.

He stops near the end of the bridge, on the edge, standing close to the fence and staring down at what is supposed to be a river, but simply looks like an endless shadow that disappears into the horizon in this darkness. The river is a little to left below where he is standing, under him there is only a dirty, cold and wet ground, where young couples do their things. Marcus turns and looks around once, and assures himself that no one is around. He steps on the fence and lifts himself upwards quietly, to not ruin this nice and calm atmosphere, and sits down with his legs dangling outwards, towards the river. This is where he has to think again, which is another thing he's good at.

These are the thoughts he originally wanted to avoid this time. Marcus has the opportunity to do anything he wants to, go anywhere he wants to. No parents that stop him and no need to worry about money. He has so much to live for, so much he still hasn't experienced. All the normal people that he knows that haven't done anything to him, that he likes, he can keep himself to them. People that don't make him feel lots of things, just normal people he has normal relations to.

He has as a goal to convince himself that he is indeed strong, he doesn't want to give up now. All this will be over and he will be proud of himself, he hopes. Never lose hope, is what he tells others. If he does this, it will be like lying to others. 

Marcus lets a deep sigh out in the darkness, he knows where this will end. His thoughts will turn his mind around once again, and he will fail, go home and continue to live like he never even wanted to do anything like this. 

He turns around, still sitting, just moving his legs to the inside of the bridge instead. He just can't help but to smile to himself. Lifting his chin up high to gaze at the empty sky, he lets out a small chuckle, unsure of whether he is indeed happy, or sad. Leaning slowly backwards, he lets go of his grip automatically, seeing his legs high in the sky before he closes his eyes and feels a harsh wind going upwards against his back.

um okay yes

please keep in mind that english is like my fifth language so be chill ha ha  y e s  

in the one i wrote in my midterm, it ends differently.

SO NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE AN ALTERNATIVE ENDING TO THIS, JUST THE ENDING, SO YEAH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING WOW