If this wasn't my life, I think I would've laughed at the irony of it all. But because it is, I stand here numb and cold in the rain, staring dazedly at the tombstone with his name carved on the grey surface. There's one line under his name with words of A son, a brother, a friend and a wonderful teacher which perfectly fits him as a persona.

The funeral has been over for hours and everyone has already left including his parents, except for me. In a way, I'm glad the sky is crying because I don't think I'd be strong enough if everyone else could see that I'm crying as well.

I couldn't reminisced the last time I cried. I recall the times when I fell and picked myself up without a sound like nothing happened. Even before, I remember my first day going to school. The adults always cooed at how strong were I for not crying, but I never thought of it. Crying was just something I didn't do.

I didn't even cry at my grandfather's funeral. I was sad, of course, because he was my grandfather, someone I cared for and respected, and someone who took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself.

He was the first person I saw after my grandfather's funeral. I was in the park, trying to recollect myself, and he just happened to be passing by. He was every bit as smart as I thought he was, but I didn't think he would notice that something was wrong. That I weren't all right. But he said nothing to me or to anyone else. It wasn't until after a week while I secretly fell apart which went unnoticed, even by Kibum who was ever observant and caring, that he confronted me.

I didn't want to tell him anything. It was my personal hell to work on, and I didn't want to burden anyone else with it. However, he just has his way with me and willingly shares my pain. I told him everything—from my grandfather's death to my family crises to anything else, I've ever wanted to say but had no one to say it to.

 

He was my sole comforter when my grandfather passed away, and it's humorous in a morbid way, but who will comfort me now that he is gone?

 

He listened to me, and even when my string of words—ones I'd never thought I'd say—no longer made any sense, he seemed to understand. And when I were finished, he just wrapped his arms around me which were warm, safe, and strong despite the fact he was smaller than I am. I let him because more than anything else, I needed someone to care for me at that moment. That moment, where I became greedy, wanting him all for myself so I gave him a new name, Onew, that can be called by me and only me. And that moment, brought us together for the years ahead.

 

　

　

I love you, he tells me softly, and I don't know how to respond because I had never thought of him as anything more. He was my classmate, my best friend, my Onew... and I was selfish.

"I don't know how to love," I told him, because it was the truth and I felt I owed at least that to him.

He smiled at me earnestly, nothing like the fake mask he always put on, and simply replied, That's okay. I can teach you. And once again I let him.

 

Looking back, I wonder why I never saw the holes in it and that only serves to make me feel worse. He had put everything on the line for me and asked for nothing back, so I never gave it to him. And through all of that he suffered, wanting to earn my love, but never getting anything in return for his efforts. He never said anything about the relationship in school or to the friends to protect my reputation. He backed off when I needed space and comforted when I were lonely. He wasn't just beautiful, prodigious, sympathetic, and everything else. He was perfect.

He was perfect for me in every way but I didn't love him. There was nothing more he could've been or done to make himself worthy of me. So I wonder now why I never thought I never did.

 

But I learned to care for him. There was no way I could not because he was really too wonderful to not be able to. I cherished his smiles, appreciated his brilliance, and reveled in his love. But I didn't love him. And I hated myself for hurting him.

I wanted to stop seeing him, stop leading him on to something I knew I'd never be able to give him. But I was too selfish to give him up. Even though I wasn't in love.

 

It was hard, but I finally managed to work up the courage to leave him. I asked to him to meet me in a cafe. Then I broke up with him, not the broke up as in the term of relationship. I just gave him clearer view of my thoughts -or I thought it was my thoughts-.

He just smiled at me calmly with that smile he always wear and I can felt my anger burning up. I don't know what I had expected or what I wanted him to do, but I didn't want to see that damned smile plastered on his face. I felt betrayed and it hurt like hell that he didn't seem to care about me anymore.

"I guess I should leave," I breathed, irritated. He looked at me passively.

 

I guess I'll see you around, he replied, his voice soft and even. I rose from the chair angrily and walked away. I chose to ignore that flash of hurt I saw in his eyes; I didn't want to admit it was real.

I don't quite remember what happens next. My days forward start to felt empty, my life felt bland and something just felt not right.

He kept his words and I do see him around, still smiling, but somehow it didn't felt the same. I don't know whether it's him or me that was different from before. I guess it was me because he just being the usual him, the calm, warm, and reliable prodigy.

I can still listen to his brilliance and watch his attempt to amuse me, still trying to teach the unknown he called love. I was worried that he haven't get over the fact that I don't love him, but being himself, he looked at me with that sickening smile saying, It's okay, even if it's not me.

Maybe I was a fool then, to trust his words. And let him deeper into my life, diving into what I believe empty heart. He dive and dive, and sink at the bottom of the nothingness.

Sink. Meant he stayed.

 

 

　

 

　

When train of thoughts and guilt hit me, I began to resurrect from my passiveness and brave myself to see the world. To see the real him. And what I saw next scared me.

He's no longer the man I know before I acknowledge the light. He's no longer the flawless prodigy I remember before I rise from the dead.

 

That day. A day before I'm at where I'm now.

 

April 5th.

2p.m.

The first phone call.

Hey Minho, I think I couldn't make to sleep over at your place today.. Am going to see Taemin, the melodic small voice ring into my ear. I responded with my usual 'hmmm' and hang up the phone. Some people might think I'm rude, but Onew know me too well, he know I'm not too fond talking to people through the battery-operated-device.

Placing my phone on the desk, I randomly pick up a book from the shelf and began reading. It was a book that I borrowed from Onew a week prior and planning to return it when we meet today. After scanning few pages and reading the lines I usually could comprehend with just a once over, I close the book with a grunt.

 

Taemin. Lee Taemin.

 

A name that rarely spoken by Onew but when he did, an adoring smile that never meant for me will appear. Taemin is Onew's little brother and two years younger than us. He didn't hesitate to brag about his brother, keep saying his brother was the cutest when they were child and how he wanted to always be with him, protecting him.

 

As childish as it might sound, I'm jealous at Taemin.

 

Despite of our long-term friendship, I never met 'the younger brother' even once. I've met his older sister, the beautiful Lee Sungyeon (but still not as beautiful as Onew) when she came to Seoul for a visit during the festival holiday and that's just it. Only her. According to Onew, Taemin is staying with their parents at his hometown and for some reason, he cannot leave the main house. Onew is described as one of the most honest and open person I'd ever known but somehow, everything about Taemin is so mysterious.

Cringing, again I beat my nature and growl.

 

 

5p.m.

The first text message.

From: Onew

Subject: Ah Minho! I won't be attending class tomorrow. Could you please help me look after Tommy and Yuujin?

 

Seconds later I send my reply, as short as always, Sure.

 

 

6 p.m

The anticipated text message.

 

Why did I say 'anticipated'? It was because Onew never leave my message without a reply. No matter how short my text was, there will always an alert for new message within seconds.

Onew always replies to my texts.

Always.

Even though it takes him an hour to reply back, he still does.

 

From: Onew

Subject: Thanks Minho, I entrust you my babies now. Don't water Tommy too much. And as for Yuujin, please cut away the flower for me ^^

 

Something is wrong with Onew today, I thought. No matter how much I know Onew loves me, he never let me close to his 'babies' let alone touch them especially the hyacinth flower he called Yuujin.

Onew said, that flower is a symbolic of our friendship. The white flower has bloom long ago and has cremated already. It was a special flower, he proclaimed. Even if the flower dies, it will continue attached to the stem and until then, it won't blossom again.

 

From: Minho

Subject: About the hyacinth, are you sure?

From: Onew

Subject: Absolutely :)

From: Minho

Subject: Why?

From: Onew

Subject: You need to get rid of the old things to get to see the beauty of new ones.

From: Minho

Subject: Then why don't you do it yourself?

From: Onew

Subject: I can't. I'll be with Taemin. Minho, take them tomorrow afternoon, okay? I'll be gone tonight so I left the spare key under the flowerpot ^^

From: Minho

Subject: What's with the rush? Something happen back home?

From: Onew

Subject: Everything is fine. I just miss Taemin, he's been lonely without his hyung for too long.

 

　

I didn't reply to the last message. Again it was about Taemin. Thinking past these few days, Onew talk a lot about Taemin. It was like he's been talking about his little brother all this time. The expression on his face also changed, a forlorn look like he's missing something so important constantly decorating his fake smile.

When I asked him if anything was bothering him, he'd just brushed me off with a unreassuring words of 'I'm fine. I'm just waiting...'

 

He never finished that sentence. I never know what he was waiting for.

No. I know what he was waiting for.

He's waiting for me to open my heart.

He's waiting to get inside.

I wonder if he still waiting.

　

　

　

　

It was one of the rare night where I can't seemingly do anything with the opened exercise booklet in front of me. The problems are there waiting for me to solves them but my mind decided to wonder on the land of it's own.

Problem 1.

(a) Find the equation of the perpendicular bisector of the straight line PQ where P= (1,2) and has Onew get on his train?

(b) The perpendicular bisector meets the x-axis at point A and the y-axis at point B, O is the origin. Calculate what time will he arrived? I remember he said his hometown is quite a distance from here. Will he call me when he reached home?

 

Onew.

How can you be my number one problem and be the only solution?

Onew.

Why God, what's with today? Why did You make me think of him more than I already do everyday? Why?

Frustrated. Edgy. Tense.

Everything seems so wrong today. Onew's phone call, Onew's text messages, Onew...

What am I missing?

 

The vibration on my left snapped me out from my mental agony, an incoming call.

Is it Onew?

At the speed of lighting I grab the hated device and swipe the screen without looking at the caller id. I was so sure it is Onew.

It isn't.

It’s not the waited Onew. It's a worried Sungyeon.

Hello, is this Minho-goon?, the female voice resonate in my sense, I swallowed my disappointment and respond almost instantly,

"Yes, who's speaking?"

"Great. It's me, Lee Sungyeon, Jinki's sister, we've met before, remember?. Umm, Minho goon, do you know where is Jinki? He haven't returning any of my calls and my texts"

 

Isn't he supposed to be with your family? I glanced at the wall clock, 9:30 p.m. he should be there already.

 

"I'm sorry but he said he's going to your family house"

A brief silence and Sungyeon noona breathing sounds more worried than she already is.

"Did he say anything else, Minho goon? anything about his home?"

 

Of course. Taemin.

 

"Yeah, he said he want to see Taemin" by the moment I mention the name, I heard a loud gasp, it's too loud that I think she's screaming.

"Hello? noona? are you there?"

"He said he want to see Taemin? What exactly did he said?" Is that, panic in her voice?

I told her exactly what one of Onew text messages that mention about Taemin,

'I'll be with Taemin. Minho, take them tomorrow afternoon, okay? I'll be gone tonight'

"Minho goon! Can you please go to Jinki apartment now? Please! Only you can make it on time. No, only you can do this!" Sungyeon voice that I remember resembled the calm on Onew face's turn hysteric and shocking me.

"What? But he said he's..."

"That's not what he meant. He's not coming home! he's trying to reunite with Taemin!"

"But he told me that Taemin is living with you and your family family...That means..."

"Minho goon, Taemin was dead. Years ago. All left here is his ashes. Jinki is not seeing Taemin. He's meeting him..."

 





Taemin was born with a weak heart. Due to that he never had a friend when he was a child. Onew loves him very much that he sacrifices his own childhood to spend all his time with Taemin. He protected and loved Taemin with his all. They were so close together. When Taemin died, Onew was so devastated. He blamed himself for not able to protect Taemin from death. That's why he moved to Seoul after he graduated from middle school... I know Jinki was attempting suicide for a while but he swear he changed after he met you...but now..I...

 

Sentence by sentence of Sungyeon noona's story of Onew and Taemin flashing into my mind as I'm running my heart out towards the familiar building I've been visiting for the past three years.

I abused the doorbell, pushing the button so hard as if it will help me opening the door.

 

Nobody's answering.

This is not happening. This is not reality. Onew is not leaving. He can't meet Taemin yet. Don't so it, Onew...

I'll be with Taemin...I'll be gone tonight...he's been lonely without his hyung...

No. You should be with me...You promised to sleep over my place tonight...I'll be lonely without my...

 

My body is trembling hard. My mind becomes blank. I need to open this damned door. I know Onew is inside! I can feel him. He's in there.

 

so I left the spare key under the flowerpot ^^

 







"ONEW!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, as I opened the door of his bedroom and he turned around gracefully. All I saw was a blinding smile curving up his lips and the pale face stained with traces of fresh tears.

You came, it's not tomorrow yet you know, he said slowly, like nothing was wrong. Like the red liquid weren't dripping and the shiny slicer weren't in his right grip.

I ran towards his side, grabbing the sinful object from him and threw it across the room. His smile hasn't faded but his skin was paler like bloods were leaving him. Which was really happening.

"I'll call for help" I dialed the number with trembling fingers, but eyes never leaving him as if I'm afraid he'll vanished into the thin air.

He just sat there on his bed quietly, staring at the slit with half opened eyelids. His rare light brown orbs shown.

I never thought you'll come, his small voice invades my ears after I threw my phone away and sit next to him.

"They're on their way," I said ignoring his words. I scan around the room and grab the small towel on the pillow to bandage his wound. But he brushed my hands away, protectively clutching the opening with his right hand.

I winced. Knowing it would hurt but he keep smiling.

"Jinki please," I begged him. I never beg anyone for anything. I never called him by his first name either. He looked at me surprised and stunned. I took the advantage, gently take his left hand, and start covering the wound. Again, my fingers tremble while touching the ice-cold hand. The wet feeling on my feet felt like a nightmare. He's already losing too many bloods.

 

"When I first saw you at the park, three years ago, you remind me to Taemin. He's such a cute child. Just like you, he didn't like to show his feelings, he didn't want people to worry about him. But deep inside he's scared, lonely, and wanted to be heard. That's why I loved him so much you know. I promised him I'd protect him, I'll teach him everything. But in the end, I can't keep the promises I made. Then I met you. I believe this is my chance to redeem my promises to Taemin. I tried to get close to you. Befriend with you. Accompanying you so you won't feel lonely or scared. It wasn't in my plan to be infatuated by you. I fell in love with you. And suddenly I'm engulfed with greed to have you all for myself. I'm sorry. I forced to you my selfish feelings. I'm sorry, Minho."

 

The radiance of the astounding light brown orbs start fading, replaced with dull shine of regret.

What are you sorry for Onew? You didn't do anything wrong. You're not selfish. I AM.

 

"You---" I haven't finished when he suddenly fell on his side, landed on his soft bed. He's still smiling, and on his face was pasted a relieved and contempt expression.

"Onew...no... Jinki" I stuttered, the brilliant crimson seeping into the white sheet encompassing everything within my view, blurred by the tears forming in my eyes. "W-why...?"

The tired smile grew bigger as he stared in my eyes and raised his hand to gently cup my cheek. I-it's okay, he whispers to me, even though he's the one in my arms, slowly dying and leaving this world. It does hurt but not anymore..., He continued.

 

This is all my fault. I led him to the wrong path and the prodigy lost his way. This is my entire fault.

His lean fingers brushed my damp cheek with so much care and breathe his last words, 'It's o-okay, because I l-love you.'

 

His arm dropped, and his brilliant brown eyes faded slightly, closing for the last time. I let the tears fall from my eyes, and held him close; his body stills warm, and his expression peaceful. It's like he's sleeping soundlessly except his left wrist were bandaged with a white fabric that already changed color to crimson red.

 

 



Drenched in confusing drops of rain or my own tears, I could vaguely hear ambulance sirens blaring in the background, as my painful fresh memory mocking me, replaying the scene of me refusing to let go of the cold body when one of the paramedics burst in the door and asked to take him last night.

It was my last time holding him.

He had accomplished his goal in the end; he had taught me to love.

Even in this moment, I wish the price wasn't so high, and I wonder how he was able to put everything on the line yet I was the one to have lost it all.

But now instead, I stand in front of his grave on a cold, rainy day, wondering about everything I could've had, would've had, and how it all went wrong. However, there is nothing more that I regret than not being able to tell him that I loved him before he died.

I wish I had learned to love him sooner.

 

Owari.