Seunghyun. The name that I loved. The name that represent beauty, masculinity, wisdom, and childnesshood at the same time. That was, at least, what the name I thought Seunghyun meant to my parents when they gave me that name. And to Choi Seunghyun’s parents. To me, Choi Seunghyun is on another different level. To me, the name Choi Seunghyun also represent love. He was my soulmate, the air that I breath. He was the moon and the sun in my universe and if he said that night is day and day is night, so be it. He was like my own brother, he was my best friend, and most of all, he was the love of my life. I can't bear the thought of him not being close to me so I always followed him wherever he goes. Even when he decided to move back to Seoul after spending his whole elementary years in Gwangju to be a trainee at an entertainment company, I have no second thought before I begged my mom to join the same company as him. I trained hard, mostly to impress him, but also so I did not fail. Being kicked out from the company means I don't get to be with my hyung anymore. So I trained hard, and earned the sweet fruit I always aimed for. We both made it. Reunited in an idol group they called Big Bang. There were other members, yes : the leader Jiyong, the wise dancer Youngbae, and the awkward jokester Daesung. Seunghyun Hyung immediately got close to Daesung because of their mutual inner clown and made them the joke duo of Big Bang. With Youngbae it was always the hyung to hyung talk, the wise men gathering where they gave advice to each other, gave spiritual support to each other, all those phylosophical talk I didn't want to be involve with. And then there's Kwon Jiyong. Our leader. He was a close friend of Seunghyun Hyung from his old neighbourhood before he moved to Gwangju. A close friend that gave Seunghyun's Hyung demo tape to Yang Hyunsuk, our company president. In other words, he was the one that made Seunghyun Hyung decided to move back to Seoul. They were never physical like Seunghyun Hyung and Daesung. Never involved in a serious talks like Seunghyun Hyung with Youngbae. They were always just smoking together at the balcony, sipping their wine - no words spoken, no stories shared, no joke exchange. But it made me feel uneasy somehow. It left me with insecurities that I was going to be left behind. That I won't be Seunghyun Hyung’s favourite again. We were supposed to be the only one able to share that kind of comfortable silence, but Jiyong was something else.

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It was one of those nights. One where we share a stick of ciggarete in our dorm balcony, looking at the night view of Seoul. City lights could never beat Seunghyun's glow. He was beautiful beyond measure. Just simply a masterpiece of God. Even with his Spongebob patterned pajamas, he looked amazing. He's the only one who can wear riddiculous clothing like that and still looked like he was ready to walk the runway.

"What are you laughing at?"

I shook my head. He was very sensitive about his appereance. His childhood was filled with dirty names and insults because he was a bit heavy weighted back then, and the trauma was never really gone even with his looks right now.

"Nothing," I stood up, walking towards Seunghyun. He smiled at the seducing gesture as I made my way to him. Opening his arms, I walked into his embrace, sighing in content as I feel the warmth spread to my whole body just by being held by this man.

"The members are going to find out sooner or later, baby."

I nod in his chest. "I know."

"You sure you want them to know? We can deny everything. Tell them we were just close friends, that we.."

"Are you embarrassed, Hyung? Being with me? Admitting to our members, or when we're really ready - to the world, as my lover?"

His gaze softened. Large calloused hand ran through my hair and halted it's move on my cold cheeks. I can feel him leaning closer as I closed my eyes, knowing what he's going to do next. Dry, chapped lips with a taste of tobacco and alcohol invaded my own. The kiss was quick, no tongue involved. But it was enough to make my chest clenched, and I can feel tears b in the corner of my eyes. This feels so right, then why do I feel like my chest is burning in pain?

"I love you, Baby Hyun," Yeah, he always calls me that. Either to mock me, or showing his affection to me, it was always