Depressed

The Cracking Mask

i cannot help myself. in a way, i'm mad that i let myself get this bad. that i let myself slip into this spirial. im just sad all the time and i feel like crying all the time and i don't know why. i feel so isolated and lonely. id have to kill myself to get noticed tbh. even then they wouldn't notice probably. they think it's just an attuide and that i'm gonna give in to the temptations they lay around by making their life and way of living sound so happy. they don't get that what i am feeling is true saddness. im geniuly sad. these arent artifial tears. i cannot fake pain. i cry when i look in the mirror. i dont feel like renae. i don't look like renae. i feel tortured by my own self. i wanna give up but idk what that means! what am i given in to? what am i giving up? i dont know! im not sudicial. i dont know what i am feeling. am i stupid? this is answer for happiness right there in my face? am i ignorant for not taking those oppurtunities to be happy? i just hate this life i am living and this situation i want to run away but i have no where to go. school is relief to me and i rather be there than home. i dont feel like doing anything. 

but during these times i just keep thinking of yuri from snsd

if she can power through these feelings (hers was probably worst) i can too. 

i hope tomorrow comes fast. my dad keeps saying i can talk to him whenever something is on my mind and i told him i miss my cat today and he gave me a long lecture on how its my fault shes gone. 

i just 

cant

i find myself covering my ears when i hear my parent speak

 

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leejinkioppa #1
Chapter 1: I don't know how to make you feel better because that really does . My parents are practcally the same and I honestly cannot wait to move out of here, and not only here but out of florida maybe a different country. Did you cry while writing this? It feels sort of relieving to be able and just explode in words. I do it too. I'll pray that you'll be able to adopt your cat as soon as possible. I don't really have much that keeps me going anymore but if I did, I wouldn't ever want to lose it. You don't have to reply o this. Whenever I make blogs like this, I just feel slightly irritated when someone comments in which I would have to reply but I feel thankful to those who care but just a little too tired to reply. Whenever you feel like there are too many emotions inside you like this come on here and just explode again and again until you've had enough and you can rest.
leejinkioppa #2
and I wanted to tell you I'm here for you Renae. Even if I can't be a physical shoulder to cry on I still want to be there for you.
leejinkioppa #3
Hi, I'm Saara, and my A/C is broke and I live in Florida so everything is really annoying and hot.
My depression started too, back when I was eleven. It had been building up through elementary. I know how it feels... to have people leave you, but back in elementary I just thought, "Oh yeah, it's my fault anyway... after all I'm weird and we didn't have much in common." I would take it out on my self. After switching schools right after getting out of 2nd grade I hadn't had a real friend until sixth or seventh grade.
And in seventh grade we (as in my family) lost our house. Or the bank took it, whatever. I refused to go to another school because I was scared of starting over. I was so shy, I would let people take advantage of me and I think I still do. Anyway my depression began around that time and I tryed to talk to my parents about it once which only made them laugh at me, "You think you have enough reason to be depressed?" They made me think I myself was even more of a fool.
I'm tired honestly there was a time I was ready to commit suicide. I didn't cut but at that moment I was so ready and ok with it, and if Samar (my most beloved person in the world who is my cousin) had not been in town that day, had not driven four hours away to come see me that weekend and had not stopped me, I probably wouldn't be here right now.
I know I don't have a panic disorder because I am no longer afraid of such things. But I want to go to the hospital or a clinic or whatever and see if I have something or anything because I am too tired and I just want a goddamn excuse.
I help my *friends* too much actually. Because after going through deep deep depression my life motto has changed. It's something like always keep everyone smiling even if you're dying inside. It's not like I matter anyway.
Anyway I wrote this long comment not because I wanted you to feel like some people have it worse than me lol no and I probably don't anyway. I wrote this because I sincerely care about you
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