what is sadness, happiness, and love?
silver linings
What is
sadness?
Is it putting your hands over
the windows of your room,
thinking,
scrutinizing its every flaw,
where it cracks,
where the light shines on most,
and trailing your hands on it?
Is it when you blow a harsh
hot breath
until it moists
and the only thing you could do
is to write the name
of the one and only person
you miss the most?
Or is it
seeing the sunrise
alone,
laying your picnic mat on the ground
and waiting til noon comes,
eating in gritty silence,
picking up your pace
and back down,
realizing there's a lot of
time
to spare?
Maybe it's when Baekhyun finds
himself
doing those things,
consequently wondering where he is,
what he is doing,
and who he is with.
For Chanyeol, it's different.
It's when he loses all
focus.
focus.
There's a lot to do
and no time to spare.
No matter how much
distance separates them,
he can't stop thinking about
him.
It feels like crying.
It feels like wasting time
with every second
of every minute
of every hour
of every day
without him.
It's a kick in the gut,
but he supresses crying
for the man he is
and for the man they are
to each other.
College changed everything
and it's been
six long months.
He misses home.
He misses him.
He misses his love.
So he texts him,
baek, happy birthday.
wait for me. i miss you.
T'was May 5th
in the evening.
.
.
.
Now it's May 7 in the morning.
Chanyeol said he'll be back before Baekhyun's birthday.
He didn't promise, but he did say so through a subtle text, yet he's nowhere.
Not yet.
Baekhyun feels a hope in his heart slightly glimmering as he wakes up sunshine through his windows. He's clad in his pajamas as he gets up from bed, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm as he walks in normal pace to the bathroom door—he's got all the time in the world.
His hands are clammy as he opens the door and catches a glimpse of his face before washing his face and brushing his teeth.
It's 7:46 am (it says so on the wall clock of his room) and he's waiting.
Still waiting.
It's been 6 long months.
There's a slight jump with his every move as he goes downstairs, carefully trailing his hands down the railings and watching his step.
He switches the lights on and off and on and off again when he reaches ground, feels something coming, a sense of nostalgia as he reaches the kitchen.
He remembers.
He misses him so much.
In those 6 long months, Chanyeol barely made contact. But when he did, it was either just a good night or a good morning. It was never more than that other than the occassional i miss yous every once in a month and maybe when it counts and Chanyeol just feels like it.
Baekhyun always feels short and out of breath every time he receives one. He recalls the times Chanyeol used to always be around, but it's like a painful stab into his heart whenever nothing comes.
It's even more painful, when sometimes, he gets so used to the feeling of being alone that he feels like he's not attached already. It's a dangerous thought, so he wills it away all the timei it comes.
He remembers when they first met in middle school.
It was nothing normal, a little weird and unusual.
It was when Chanyeol had a clamp of feather boas in hand and a stack of papers bunched under his arms. It wasn't even just that, because he had some laces over his shoulders and ribbons and fuzzy wires in variety. He had a mask on—it made him look like Zorro. Baekhyun remembers Chanyeol passing by him in a rush accidentally hitting him as they both fell down on the ground stuck together by the laces and feather boas around their heads. The situation was made even worse, because then when Chanyeol attempted movement, the mask fell off his face and hit Baekhyun's head with his.
It seems just like yesterday, but so long ago already.
Sorry, Chanyeol said, over the weird situation that befell them.
He remembers helping Chanyeol out after that, extending arms to help carry, exchanging names and information along the way to the theater and finding out they belonged in the same blocked section only then.
Baekhyun, he remembers how it rolled perfectly off Chanyeol's tongue, clarifying pronounciation, all so experimental saying his name.
It was like music to his ears.
He remembers a few days after their high school graduation.
Ever since they met, they've been a constant in each other's lives, talking and just seeping through and deep each other's flaws and knick knacks. They got along pretty quickly, complementary in the way that the other fills in the incapibility of the other. They helped and stuck with each other through thick and thin
He remembers Chanyeol ringing the doorbell, all exuberant when he opens the front door of the Byun's household then. All celebration of their graduation has simmered and Baekhyun wondered why Chanyeol had come over harshly grabbing at his hand and firmly entwining with Chanyeol's on the taller's account as they ran over their favorite patch of green land with their favorite umbrella tree.
He remembers sitting down with Chanyeol under that tree and remembers Chanyeol's lips over his, all so experimental and marking territory.
I think I like you, he remembers Chanyeol saying over the beats of their racing hearts, more than a friend and Baekhyun remembers kissing him again in agreement that he does too.
They were, to say the least, inseparable afterwards and lived together under the same roof for a few weeks when their parents had allowed. They promised to behave and not let their relationship get in the way to gear towards their respective accomplishments. They spent time huddled in the couch when it rained, bowls of soup in hand whilst smiling at each other as they savored its warmth. They spent time doing almost everything together, adventures a package deal to do things they don't normally.
But it was only for a few weeks, because then they found out how cruel university could break them apart and how separable inseparable could be.
He remembers mid-summer when Chanyeol came home.
It's by far the most vivid memory.
It's when Chanyeol got back from a family reunion.
He heard the click of the lock over the silence as he's sat in the kitchen playing something on his phone. He remembers how lonely the living room had felt then as he waited, so he went over the kitchen surrounded by the aroma of food wafting in the air.
When he heard the door close, he felt Chanyeol's every heavy step on the wooden floor nearing and how he'd felt that something was wrong just with the way Chanyeol's steps sound so unsure and because there came no cheerful greeting even from the door.
He remembers the way Chanyeol stopped right in front of him, hovering over his form and he knew he just had to stop playing because the aura felt intimidating.
He remembers like it was yesterday when he looked up at Chanyeol the bitter look he wore and in his hands a white envelope.
Baekhyun remembers laughing, because it seemed like a joke then like why would Chanyeol even be grumpy over a letter.
"Something happened at the reunion?"
"No."
Turns out Chanyeol got accepted in his wanted university.
It had been hard to accept, but Baekhyun wanted what was best for him as well.
They talked about going to the same university if Chanyeol wouldn't be able to make it, but he did.
So that night was full of tears on Chanyeol's end and never ending sorrys that he shouldn't have checked the mail because then it would mean being far away and only meeting after 6 long months—their relationship was new and seemingly fragile, after all—and Baekhyun could only hold the sting in his eyes as he smoothens Chanyeol's hair in comfort. He needed to be the one stronger to keep them both sane.
But that was 6 months ago on an evening.
Now it's 8:00 am on a May 7.
Baekhyun's heart suddenly races, because it feels like 6 months ago again as he hears the familiar click of the lock. Minus the phone game, minus the part where he was seated, minus the situation, minus a lot of things. It's been 6 long months when he heard the door close like it just did. He could feel, hear, and almost predict every unsure step on the wooden floor nearing him.
His hands are clammy and he feels like he's about to break as the sound stops and he refuses to turn back—6 months ago Chanyeol hovered over him and appeared in front of his face.
So when he finally turns around, with them at least a few meters apart, it feels like the first time he's seeing him. Only this time they don't fall and get tangled. Instead, they stare into each other's eyes over the silence, over their beating hearts, over the distance separating them, seeming as though they're trying to get it back together and unable to believe that they are finally right in front of each other after those long months and that now isn't just a dream.
For a moment, he thinks. He thinks about how Chanyeol managed to open the lock to his front door--to his heart. And he thinks oh, the purpose of spare keys.
He snaps out of his reverie then and realizes that Chanyeol is right in front of him, towering over him as usual. Their heights always had a significant difference.
A few minutes pass and they're still staring, as though they're two illusions reflecting the other. He looks down finally, over Chanyeol's hands that holds a box so carefully designed with silver linings. It's probably a symbolism.
A comfort in between all difficulty.
It feels like hello,
but not really.
There's no hug, no exchange of words and Chanyeol walks forward a little more and stops inches from him. He doesn't say anything and just hands him over the box before sitting back down on one of the chairs 'round the dining table as his eyes scan the expanse of the kitchen, a sense of gaining the familiarity he used to have over the place.
It's funny how Chanyeol looks like that, but Baekhyun doesn't laugh so unlike before.
This moment's special.
This moment's gold.
There's a look in Chanyeol's eyes when he looks over at him again saying, Open it, and Baekhyun has half the mind to think about whether or not Chanyeol's thinking of breaking up.
But no.
No, right?
So he gulps. It feels like a ball of fur down his throat. He feels like he's choking, but he opens the lid of the box and finds colorful piles of thin strands of paper. On the inside of the lid, he finds a distinguishable thin strand of paper and plucks it out, reads a messy handwriting he identifies as Chanyeol's that reads,
this box contains words, phrases, and questions of every day i had in mind when i wasn't with you that i could have told you through calls, texted you even, but was too weak to because then i would have cried every night listening to your voice. so go and pick one. they're pretty random, but i compiled them anyway for when i see you. they're my feelings and they're for only you.
For a while, Baekhyun feels an inkling of wanting to turn back and close the lid. He feels weak, maybe even fragile because Chanyeol's here and Chanyeol just gave him a box full of things—words he could have told him but didn't because he was too weak to (like he just said). Well, Baekhyun's too weak to pick one out and go read, because he feels like crying just with the first he read.
But when he looks at Chanyeol again with his wide and sincere eyes, he thinks he's found courage and plucks a few ones that say
hello.
i miss you.
i really do. miss you, that is.
i always think about you.
what have you been up to?
who are you with?
has college been good to you?
do you miss me, too?
He pauses for a minute, feels Chanyeol's words sinking in deep. He feels the need to bite his lower lip and he does, because how could Chanyeol ever question if he missed him as well? Of course he did and too much because he always felt the need to be alone in those 6 long months they were apart. In fact, he still misses him even as they're now in front of each other.
College hasn't been that that well for him, either. Because if anything, it just adds to longing when he feels frustrated with thoughts of wanting to cause a scene or a tantrum just to release what he feels because work load has never been easy.
He wants so much to speak with Chanyeol now, but then he feels a tear sliding down his cheek, vision blurring as it only progresses from both his eyes now. So he picks up a few more,
it feels weird, because sometimes i can't concentrate. i think back to the times when i would hold your hand and how they feel against mine and how comforting your warmth, but every time i try to put my hands together and imagine it's yours, it's just different.
today i want to break down, but i can't.
sometimes i think about cliche and how true you mean to me. i mean you're my one true love. how cheesy am i in a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest? xD OTL. hahaha just kidding. but really. seriously. absolutely. we've gone this far 3 months in. 3 months more and i'm counting to summer. i'm counting to the day when i'll see you again.
i don't want to cry, baekhyun. i don't want to. i want to, but ...
my stomach is empty. i've been running with no food for one and a half day. theater breaks me in two and i want to go back to you to piece me together.
baekhyun, why? why do i feel like the only way i could restore myself is to destroy myself?
With each word, he just feels like breaking because then he realizes that it hasn't only been hard on him. It's been hard for the both of them and the tears on his face and the swell on his eyes could only intensify, because every word he reads could only become heavier.
i miss you.
i miss you. i miss you.
i miss you most.
my throat feels dry.
what if i cheat on you? i can't.
today i met someone that reminded me of you, but not quite. it's just that he's short like you. his name's kyungsoo. i got to know him with a little chat, but i realized he's nothing like you. no one can ever be like you.
byun baekhyun, you're mine. always always remember that
.
i hate this!!!!!. i want to go back.
if you were here i'd ask you what would go well with feather boas just like that first time we met. i'd tangle our hands and possibly bodies with them and laces forever and never have to let you go and make myself suffer by being far away from you.
do you think sometimes, whether or not it would be better for us to break up, so that we both won't have to suffer?
Baekhyun frowns at this and furiously shakes his head in disagreement, so he picks a few more to erase it off his head.
this is such a random day.
i'm sorry i don't text you often.
i love you. i don't know why. i just do.
school was boring.
byun baekhyun, don't you know i love you?
And that does it finally, because Baekhyun finally stops and lets the tears fall down unceremoniously. He could barely stable himself as he walks over to Chanyeol and tangles his hands over his hair because he needs to make sure it's him. When he looks down at Chanyeol, he sees him crying too and he feels almost guilty as he rubs the heel of his palm over his cheeks.
He doesn't say sorry when he harshly pulls Chanyeol down by his collar, because words are too precious to speak. If at all, it wouldn't even justify the feelings coiling up from the bottom most of their hearts. He just nuzzles his nose over Chanyeol's with a little tiptoe, squeezing his hands over Chanyeol's cheeks, tears mixing together in unison and kissing with an urgent need, want—so much longing is entailed in their movement: relief, of missing, of having survived the time they were apart.
For now, they'll be okay because they're finally together. They've finally closed the distance only to become so much stronger.
.
.
.
What is
sadness?
It's when
you're most far
away
from the person
you love.
But what is
happiness?
It's when
you're closer
than just shoulder
width apart,
bones crushing
together
as you're
encased in a
tight hug.
And what is
love?
Love is
when,
even despite
the distance,
you know
he's
the one.
oh happy birthday to me! gais im 18 (edit: 19 now lol) and legal i feel sad ew
PS: I TRIED HAHAHAHAHAH
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