IT'S OVER 5,000 WORDS I'M SORRY

It starts with a simple message, from Jayheng to Suho1001.

Jayheng (10:17 PM): Hi, are you new here? I’ve never seen your username before.
Suho1001 (10:20 PM):  Yes, I am new. I’m sorry, my friend set this up for me. I had no idea about it.
Jayheng (10:22 PM): Oh. Are you going to delete the account then?
Suho1001 (10:23 PM): Maybe yes, maybe no. have you been on the site long?
Jayheng (10:24 PM): About two years.
Suho1001 (10:24 PM): Does it help?

Well isn’t that the million dollar question, Kris thinks to himself. Does it help?

Jayheng (10:25 PM): Sometimes. Just to be able to have a place to come online and rant.
Suho1001 (10:26 PM): I guess I’ll stick around then. if anything it will help me with my English.
Jayheng (10:27 PM): Cool. So, anything you want to talk about?
Suho1001 (10:28 PM): How do I upload a new user ID? The one I have right now is just weird.

Kris laughs, he did think the fluffy white bunny was a little odd, but he chose not to comment. He spends the rest of the evening teaching Suho1001 how to navigate the website, a site created so that gay, lesbian, biual and transgender teens and young adults can have a safe place to talk to other people like them. The site is strictly policed, any hateful behavior results in a quick termination of the account, and users aren’t allowed to create numerous accounts from the same computer. Kris has been using the site since he got into college, and he’s only ever gotten a bad remark once. He’d say it’s really good all things considered.

*             *             *

Suho1001 (9:27 AM): Hi there! How was your weekend?
Jayheng (9:27 AM): Still going on lol it’s Sunday over here.
Suho1001 (9:28 AM): Really?! You must be on the other side of the world from me. Sorry ^^;
Jayheng (9:28 AM): No problem, how was your weekend?
Suho1001 (9:28 AM): Nothing special, I had a lot of work to do. What about you?

For the first few weeks their conversations go back and forth like that. They don’t talk every day, but Kris makes sure to check up on Suho every now and then. He’s always worried more about the newcomers, wonders what made them decided to talk to strangers. Suho says that his friend set up his account, but Kris isn’t convinced. He’s not even sure if Suho is a guy, his profile says male but plenty of people lie.

*             *             *

Jayheng (11:13 PM): So what movies are you into?
Suho1001 (11:13 PM): I haven’t seen a movie in a long time…I think the last one I saw in theaters was the last Harry Potter movie.
Jayheng (11:14 PM): did you cry?
Suho1001 (11:14 PM): Yes, of course
Jayheng (11:14 PM): Harry Potter is what got me into reading when I was a kid. I love that series so much.
Suho1001 (11:14 PM): I dressed up as Harry Potter for a costume party last year, my friends say I look like him. Or I look like the Asian version of him.

Just like that, Kris has a nationality to put to the mysterious enigma he’s been speaking to.

Jayheng (11:15 PM): So what else are you a fan of? Lord of the Rings, maybe?
Suho1001 (11:15 PM): …no. did I just break your heart?
Jayheng (11:15 PM): Hell no, I never got into that franchise.
Suho1001 (11:16 PM): My friends tried to make me watch one of the movies, and then that giant spider came on screen and I almost cried.
Jayheng (11:16 PM): I mean, that goddamn spider makes me want to curl up under my blankets and never come out again.
Jayheng (11:17 PM): XD dude where were you when I was explaining this to me dad?
Suho1001 (11:17 PM): Wow are you a mind reader? I keep telling my friends that I don’t care if the thing is CGI, it’s too freaky!
Jayheng (11:17 PM): *my dad. Wow I suddenly developed an Irish accent :|
Suho1001 (11:18 PM): LMAO

*             *             *

Suho1001 (1:23 AM): What time is it over by you?
Jayheng (1:23 AM): Almost 1:30 AM.
Suho1001 (1:24 AM):  D: You should go to sleep!
Jayheng (1:24 AM): I can’t sleep, I have insomnia.
Suho1001 (1:24 AM): Then take a sleeping pill.
Jayheng (1:24 AM): Do you not want to talk to me .___.
Suho1001 (1:25 AM): Don’t look at me like that mister, I just want you to be well rested. You need to take care of yourself!
Jayheng (1:26 AM): I’ll get some sleep eventually. This doesn’t happen to me very often, don’t worry.
Suho1001 (1:28 AM): Are you okay?

Kris bites his lip and mulls it over. Is he okay?

Jayheng (1:29 AM): Yeah.
Suho1001 (1:30 AM): You sure?
Jayheng (1:30 AM): …..no.
Suho1001 (1:31 AM): Want to talk about it?
Jayheng (1:31 AM): Just a nightmare. A reoccurring one. It’s not a big deal, really.
Suho1001 (1:32 AM): Okay. Hey, can I ask you some personal questions?
Jayheng (1:33 AM): Sure…?
Suho1001 (1:33 AM): Are you really 21?
Jayheng (1:34 AM): Yes, are you really 20?
Suho1001 (1:34 AM): Almost, I will be in a few months. Where do you live (general area)?
Jayheng (1:34 AM): New York State. Where do you live?
Suho1001 (1:36 AM): South Korea and I’ve always wanted to go to New York!! What’s it like there? Do you like it? have you lived there your whole life?
Jayheng (1:36 AM): lol No, I was born in China and then my mom and I moved to Canada. I’m here now for school.
Suho1001 (1:37 AM): Lucky, I wish I could go to school in New York, but my parents won’t let me.
Jayheng (1:37 AM): Over protective?
Suho1001 (1:37 AM): Yes, sort of.
Suho1001 (1:38 AM): Does your mom know that you’re gay?
Jayheng (1:38 AM): She knew from the start.
Suho1001 (1:39 AM): Does she support you?
Jayheng (1:40 AM): Yes, she let me know that right away. My dad knows too, and at first I think it kind of surprised him, and he’s still kind of weird about it, but he loves me.
Suho1001 (1:41 AM): My parents don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll ever tell them.

Kris sits back and takes a deep breath. This is not something he would ever get used to hearing, and it always makes him want to cry. He is so lucky that he has an understanding mother, that she has been there to support him and let him know that he is loved. He is so, so sorry that Suho doesn’t feel like he can tell his parents about his uality.

Jayheng (1:42 AM): What are you going to do if you start dating someone?
Suho1001 (1:44 AM): I’ve already dated one guy and they never knew. I’ve dated a few girls too, back when I was trying to be straight.
Jayheng (1:44 AM): I tried that too. as you can see, it didn’t work out.

*             *             *

Inevitably, they exchange more information. Suho asks for Kris’ email, Kris asks for Suho’s tumblr. At that point, they are on a first name basis. Kris has yet to see a picture of his online friend, but he feels like he knows almost everything about him. Joonmyun, his friend from Seoul, South Korea, is shorter than anyone else in his family and most of his friends. He lives at home and hates it, he can’t wait until he graduates so he can travel. Speaking of, he’s graduating early thanks to years and years of intense studying. He’s majoring in Finance because it’s what his father wants, he’s minoring in English because it’s what he wants. His hobby is photography, but it’s strictly for fun. He has to sleep without socks, his favorite color is red, he always wears his watch on his right hand, he can’t stand new books and always buys them second hand (because they have character) and he loves to sit outside and people watch.

Kris tells Joonmyun that he’s majoring in History, he works weekday mornings at a coffee shop and babysits for the neighbors on occasion. His parents pay for his rent, he’s on a scholarship at his school, SUNY Albany, and he’s living just outside the city in a crappy little apartment, but he’s allowed to have pets so he’s happy. Not that he has a pet at the moment, but he’s hoping to get one someday. His favorite Pokémon is Furret, he’s always wanted to be a Power Ranger, he loves Disney movies and his favorite song to sing is a Chinese ballad called “至少還有你.” Apparently, Joonmyun loves that song too.

*             *             *

From kris.wu109 to kmoonday

Hey, I got your message this morning. Sorry I wasn’t on last night, but I want you to know that I’m here now. I understand how it feels to think that you have no control over your life, and I want you to know that you can trust me and tell me anything. To prove that, I’m going to tell you a little bit more about myself.

I’ve liked boys my whole life, starting from when I was seven years old and still living in China. I had a massive crush on a boy in my class, and I was heartbroken when my parents split and I moved to Canada with my mom. I found that kid on facebook last year, and it turns out that he has a girlfriend—they’ve been together for two years so I’ve got no chance there.

When I was in Canada, I was never officially out but I think most people could tell I was gay. I never dated anyone so I think they just took that as an admission. I joined the basketball team in middle school and I made a few really good friends from that, though I had my fair share of odd glances and a couple of times I’d get shoved around in the locker room. When I got to high school, ninth grade, a couple of seniors played a really cruel prank on me, one of them pretended to ask me out on a date online, and when I said yes he asked me to meet him the next day. When I did I found a note that basically said I was stupid to think it had been real, I wasn’t even that good looking.

I had been struggling with my body image for a long time. I was always taller than other boys and really skinny, and I honestly knew I was ugly, that’s why I was so surprised when I got asked out. So after that I became even more self-conscious, and I started making myself throw up after I ate. I didn’t binge eat—that is I didn’t eat everything in sight and then throw up, I just ate normally. But it didn’t make me feel any better, so after a few months I just stopped eating. I’d eat when my mom was around, but most of the time I just survived on water and juice. I don’t know why I was so obsessed with food, because I wasn’t worried about my weight. I didn’t want to starve to death either, I just…I felt really alone, and I guess the easiest way for me to deal with it was by focusing on something else. When I was hungry I could pretend that all my problems stemmed from being anorexic or whatever. I could have just as easily started cutting, the idea did occur to me, but instead I chose food.

Anyway, that went on for about seven months before my mom found out. I fainted on my way to school while I was waiting for the bus, and I got carted away in an ambulance. I didn’t wake up until I was in the hospital and when I did wake up the first thing I heard was that the doctor wanted me to stay overnight for evaluation. At that point I freaked out. I think I really had a breakdown. I started crying and I begged my mom not to leave me. At the time I really thought that she would just walk out the door and I would never see her again, it was the most terrifying moment of my life. I couldn’t handle the idea that my mom might not want me anymore, she was the only person I could go to at the time. I felt so alone.

So I understand where you’re coming from. I know that sometimes you get overwhelmed, and it feels like you’re never going to meet someone who will love you and treat you the way you see other couples treating each other. I know that sometimes you want to give up, you want to act like it was just a phase and you’re normal, you can go out and meet a nice girl and your life will suddenly be perfect.

I won’t try to tell you that you should stop hiding this from your parents. That’s your choice and your choice alone. But I am going to tell you that you shouldn’t cut yourself. I know it’s not that easy, it’s never that easy. But Joonmyun, you are worth so much more than that. You’re a wonderful person and you don’t deserve that kind of pain, and nobody has a right to make you feel like you do. You are so kind and smart and just wonderful, and you deserve be proud of and love who you are. I’m still shy about my body, but I’m working on loving myself. If you want, maybe we can work on loving ourselves together. We can go back and forth and talk about all things we like about ourselves and our lives, and maybe it’ll help. Just know that I’m here for you and I think you’re a wonderful person.

Kris sends the email before he can lose his nerve. His heart is pounding, his palms are sweating. He’s never told anyone on the website about his eating disorder before. He’s told people about the prank, but only because it had to do with his uality. He’s not sure how Joonmyun is going to take the news, and he’s even less sure about how Joonmyun will react to his plea not to cut. He had nearly panicked when he opened his email that morning and seen a message from Joonmyun admitting that he’d been cutting for a year now and that was what had spurred his friends to create an account for him on the support site. He’d cut again last night and he felt bad about it, which was why he’d now told Kris.

Kris takes a deep breath and stands up, stretching his arms over his head. He started crying while he wrote the email, and he’s still a little teary. He needs something sweet, something loaded with sugar to ease his oncoming headache and lift his mood. He digs the emergency ice cream out of the back of his freezer and goes back to the sofa, balancing his laptop on his knees while he eats. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears a loud YOU’VE GOT MAIL from his computer. It’s a response from Joonmyun, and it’s very short.

Can we skype?

Kris hastily responds with a yes and his username, and he immediately makes sure that there’s no ice cream around his mouth and his hair isn’t standing on end. It hits him then that he’s going to see Joonmyun for the first time, and he’s suddenly very self-conscious, but he reminds himself that Joonmyun is his friend and friends don’t judge.

The call comes in and Kris clicks the accept button.

Joonmyun’s eyes and nose are red, that’s the first thing Kris notices, because it means he’s been crying. The next thing he notices is how pale Joonmyun is, but he thinks it’s more natural and less to do with emotional state. Then all he can think is Jesus Christ you are cute. From his cheeks to his eyes, even his nose, it all just screams cute.

Joonmyun smiles and Kris thinks his heart has turned to goo. He has a beautiful smile.

“H-Hi,” Kris stammers, smiling back.

Joonmyun’s smile grows. “Hi,” he says, his voice a little hoarse. He clears his throat. “It’s…it’s nice to meet you,” he laughs.

“It’s nice to meet you too,” Kris says. “Have you been crying?”

Joonmyun laughs again. “It’s because of your email. I just…thank you for trusting me, first of all,” he says in a rush, his words bleeding together. “And I’m really honored that you told me about what happened to you. And second…what you said about not wanting me to cut…that was really sweet, so thank you.”

Kris nods and swallows around a lump in his throat. “I meant every word,” he promises. “You are worth every good thing in the universe, you have to believe that.”

Joonmyun covers his face and Kris wonders if he’s crying again, but when he pulls his hands away his face is tear-free. “I’m really glad you feel that way,” he manages. “And thank you for telling me. I never expected to hear anything like that.”

Kris feels his heart break a little. That’s a really sad thing to say.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks. Joonmyun shakes his head.

“I want to talk about you,” he cries, smiling wider. “I can’t believe it took us this long to skype, I feel like I’m meeting you for the first time all over again!”

Kris laughs and holds his hand to his mouth. “I know,” he says when he calms down. “I feel the same way!”

Joonmyun eyes him curiously. “Why’d you cover your mouth?”

Kris actually draws a blank when Joonmyun asks that and it takes a second for him to realize what Joonmyun is talking about. “Oh, I um…I don’t usually like my smile,” he admits.

Joonmyun leans closer to his screen, it looks like he’s sitting at a desk and leaning over the table to get to his computer. “Smile for me,” he commands seriously before breaking out another grin. It’s so silly that Kris can’t help but to smile, and when he does he purposely keep his hand down.

Joonmyun’s eyes flick over his face. “I like your smile,” he says softly. “And I like your eyes.”

Kris’ stomach swoops and he pinches his leg. “Thanks,” he says. “I…you’re really adorable.” And then he nearly kicks himself. “Oh my god,” he mumbles, banging his head back against the sofa. He hears Joonmyun laugh and glances back up to see him blushing.

“Really?” He asks. “Adorable how?”

“You just…” Kris struggles to find an expression that Joonmyun will understand. “I want to keep you in my pocket,” he says finally.

Joonmyun laughs even louder. “I’ll probably fit!”

*             *             *

Kris and Joonmyun go back and forth for a few more weeks, and they skype almost every day. Kris starts to look forward to seeing Joonmyun a little more every day, gets a little more excited when he gets a new message or an incoming call. They send each other pictures and little notes telling each other to stay positive, smile more and never give up. it’s cheesy but it feels so nice to have someone to be cheesy with.

*             *             *

Jayheng (4:55 PM): Joonmyun I got a kitten!!!
Suho1001 (4:57 PM): I WANT A PICTURE!
Jayheng (4:57 PM): Go on skype, you can meet her.

Joonmyun squeals when he sees the little black furball that Kris is holding up.

“She’s so cute!” He cries, and he pokes the computer screen like he’s trying to scratch her tummy. “Hi baby,” he croons. “Aw, you’re so sweet!” The kitten squirms in Kris’ hand and mewls, and Joonmyun practically has a heart attack. “How’d you get her?”

“My friend found three kittens in a box on the side of the road last week,” Kris explains, scratching his new pet under her chin. “She was one of them, the only one he couldn’t find a home for. She’s about ten weeks old.”

Joonmyun sighs. “Humans can be so cruel,” he says mournfully. Then he brightens. “What’s her name?”

Kris blushes and coughs. “Um, I was thinking Suho.”

Joonmyun gapes and a slow grin spreads across his face. “Kris, I…that’s a really good name.”

*             *             *

Sometimes Kris wishes he and Joonmyun didn’t live thousands of miles apart in countries that didn’t exactly offer cheap calling plans. He wants to call Joonmyun at odd hours, text him about how his day was, maybe even fall asleep listening to the sound of his voice…

Back up Kris, he think to himself angrily. It’s not going to happen. You’re too poor to go travel to Korea and Joonmyun…well he’s probably too poor as well. And in any case, he might not even like you that way. He’s a good friend, don’t screw it up by being weird.

But is he being too weird? All the things that he’s shared with Joonmyun, does that mean nothing? Not even to Joonmyun, does it mean nothing to him?

Of course not, Kris scoffs. It means something to me, I would love to…to…

He forces himself not to think anymore.

*             *             *

Suho1001 (4:57 PM): Hey you! Congrats on graduating! I want to send you a congratulatory gift, what would you like?
Jayheng (4:57 PM): Thank you so much! But isn’t it like god’s hour of the morning in Korea? You should go to sleep, we can talk more in the morning.
Suho1001 (4:58 PM): Answer the question and I will.
Jayheng (4:58 PM): Nothing. I want nothing.
Suho1001 (4:59 PM): Everybody wants something.
Jayheng (5:00 PM): Not me, I really don’t want you to get me anything, I promise.
Suho1001 (5:02 PM): Why not?
Jayheng (5:02 PM): Sorry, I don’t mean to sound so short with you. It’s just…
Jayheng (5:03 PM): I can’t get you anything in return. Not anything nice anyway.

Not something I’d feel proud to give you, Kris thinks darkly as he rests his head on the table.

Suho1001 (5:04 PM): But I want to get you something. You have piercings, right? In your ears I mean. I can get you something like that, or maybe…I don’t know. it doesn’t have to be a big gift.
Jayheng (5:04 PM): You’re really sweet, but it’s okay. I really don’t have anything I want. being a college grad is gift enough for me.
Suho1001 (5:05 PM): Okay, if that’s what you say then I trust you.

*             *             *

It’s a summer morning when Kris wakes up to an insistent beeping from his computer—which he forgot to turn off—announcing an incoming message on skype. He groans and sits up, looking at the time and batting Suho (the kitten) away at the same time. It’s a little after ten AM, which means it’s just around 11 PM in South Korea. He goes to his computer and wriggles the mouse, waking the screen up. He reads the message from Joonmyun and his heart stops.

My parents know. they kicked me out. I’m so scared I have no idea what to do I have nowhere to go.

Panicking, Kris sends a reply.

Kris Wu: Where are you? Can I call you on skype?
Joonmyun Kim: Please do.

Joonmyun answers the call on the second ring. His face is red and his eyes are filled with tears, and even though it must be hot in Seoul he’s wearing a jacket and scarf. He’s got earbuds on and Kris figures he’s probably skype-ing from his phone. Kris’ heart breaks when Joonmyun begins to cry harder. Kris has never actually seen him cry before.

“I’m sorry to do this to you,” Joonmyun sniffles. “I’m just…I don’t know what to do…”

“It’s okay,” Kris soothes, inching closer to his computer as if he was scooting closer to Joonmyun himself. “I’m here for you. Now tell me what happened.”

Joonmyun hiccups and fresh tears fall. “I don’t even know…I came home from a walk and my dad just started yelling at me…” He cries harder. “He said I was as embarrassment to the family. He told me that I was going to hell, that I needed to…to change and I told him no, that wasn’t who I was. So he told me to pack my things and get out within an hour.”

Kris feels like he could cry himself, and he’s torn between wanting to calm Joonmyun down and getting righteously angry and cursing out Mister Kim. He goes with the first idea.

“Listen to me Joonmyun,” he starts, fighting to speak around the lump in his throat. “You’re not an embarrassment to anyone, the fact that you stayed true to yourself proves that. You are very brave, and I just want you to know that I’m proud of you. And you know that you’re not going to hell, right?”

“Do you believe that?” Joonmyun sniffs, blinking back tears. Kris almost reaches out to touch the screen, as if he could wipe the tears away himself.

“Of course I do,” Kris says. “I believe that I’m loved, that I’ll have as much a chance to get into heaven as a straight person. I believe that there’s nothing wrong with my uality, and I believe that you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

Joonmyun bites his lip and lowers his head. “It still hurts though,” he mumbles, and then he says something in Korean. Kris picks up one of the few words Joonmyun has taught him—Apayo, it hurts.

“It’s going to be okay,” Kris says desperately. “I know it hurts, and you can cry and yell and get it all out, I’m here for you, okay? I’ll stay with you.”

The screen goes dark and Kris almost screams, but he can still hear Joonmyun sobbing and he realizes that Joonmyun’s phone has just fallen in his lap. Or maybe he’s hugging it to his chest, maybe he’s pretending that he’s hugging a real person. Remembering that Joonmyun was wearing earbuds, Kris keeps talking and hopes that Joonmyun can hear him. He says mostly simple things, “It’s okay,” “I’m here,” “Remember to breathe,” things his mother would say to him whenever he’d cry as a child. He’s not sure if Joonmyun has the capacity to understand English at the moment, but he knows Joonmyun can hear the tone of his voice and understand that much.

After almost half an hour Joonmyun begins to calm down, and Kris hears him ask breathlessly if he is still there.

“I’m here,” Kris answers immediately. “I never left.”

Joonmyun hiccups again. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Anything,” Kris swears.

“That song you like…” Joonmyun says hesitantly. “Can you sing it to me?”

Kris isn’t a very good singer, but it hardly seems to matter in that moment.  He closes his eyes, rests his head on his hands and imagines holding Joonmyun in his arms, his hair until his shoulders stop shaking and he feels safe and loved.

“I’m afraid that time is running out
I want to hold you
Until I can feel your wrinkles, the traces of aging,”

“Until I’m sure that you’re real
Until all the energy is lost.
For you, I’m willing.”

“Even if I can’t move anymore, I still want to see you
Until I can see that your hair has traces of whiteness,”

“Until my sight has become blurry
Until I can no longer breathe
Let’s never be apart.”

“Even if I have to give up the whole world
At least there’s still you, who is worth treasuring
And the fact that you’re here, is a miracle in my life
I could forget the whole world
As long as I don’t ever lose you…”

He’s crying by that point, so hard he can barely get the words out, and he can hear through the speakers on his computer that Joonmyun has started to cry again. Kris looks up and sees that Joonmyun has picked up his phone again, though his head remains bowed. His shoulders are shaking, the phone itself is shaking from how hard Joonmyun is crying, and seeing that Kris finds it in him to finish the song. By the time he does Joonmyun has stopped shaking, his sobs reduced to small whimpers. He lifts his head and manages a smile.

“Thank you,” he breathes. “I know the lyrics to that song, I know what they mean. That’s why it’s my favorite.”

Kris swallows. “It’s one of the two songs I always wanted to sing to the person I love.”

Joonmyun smiles and shifts, leaning back against a wall. His head falls to the side slightly, and he looks like a curious puppy. “What’s the other one?”

“The Longest Time, by Billy Joel,” Kris answers. “It has one of my favorite lyrics ever. I intend to hold you for the longest time.”

Joonmyun inhales shakily and exhales slowly. “Kris…I want to leave Korea.”

“Okay,” Kris says. “Where do you want to go?”

Suho hesitates. “I want to go to you.”

Kris’ heart stutters to a halt and then picks up speed.

“I emptied my bank accounts with my savings from my parents and grandparents,” Joonmyun continues absently, “And put them into my personal account. I’m the only one with that information, they can’t take it from me. I can definitely afford a plane ticket.” He looks up and tears once again sparkle in his eyes. “Kris, if I went to Albany right now would you want to see me?”

Kris starts to cry again and he doesn’t even have a moment to compose himself. He just nods.

Joonmyun laughs, sounding half nervous and half excited. “I’m at a train station right now,” he says quickly, “But I think I can get a cab to the airport. I can be on the next flight out…can I call you back when I get to the airport?”

Kris nods again. “Be careful,” he says quickly. “And…I’ll see you soon.”

Joonmyun smiles, looking like he’s truly happy and hopeful. “I’ll call you soon,” he promises.

Did you make it this far? Did you cry? I cried, so if you cried it's okay. The next part will be much fluffier, don't worry!