15._______________

 

 

 

 

Sunggyu

 

 

What about me?

 

It's not about me... only about him.

And slowly I realize that this thinking might have led to all of this.

 

            So stupid...

 

How can we look after each other if we're not even able to save ourselves, the ones that should come first because no one can take the burden of saving yourself from you.

 

            The more right now when both of us are more crushed than ever.

 

" He's the person I love the most in this world... as cheesy as it sounds."

Su Yeong chuckles and hits me in the rips with his elbow. " No need to be shy. Soo Ya always gets quiet flustered when I'm cheesy but it's really cute so I won't stop in early future."

"Well... it's not really my part in the relationship... he's... more outgoing with his words. And it always feels nice and I like it even when I sometimes act like I don't."

I look at my fingers. They're too dry.

"Maybe I should have told him more often how much I love him...", I slowly shake my head when the words left my mouth. " Do you hear it? And again I'm trying to solve everything with only looking after him..."

"That's not good?"

" It's good... but, you know. A minute ago I realized something. When you only try to give in times when you're already weak... and you never try to take anything in return... in the end you're empty and filled with all the things you never want to show and never want to give to someone else because you're afraid they'll get hurt. So you keep them inside and everything turns dull and grey...Sorry if I can't describe it that well."

"No no.", he leans back onto his hands and looks at the river, a thoughtful expression on his face. " I think I get the point. You want to say that you also have to look after yourself, and maybe that first before you run after others?"

"Not all the time. When you're strong and happy and feel like nothing in the world can beat you than you can give away everything you want because otherwise you will get choked by all of that energy and happiness. But not when you're already at the ground.

I think that's why he became like this...", I nervously knead my fingers. " I think I understand now and I want to tell him and help him. But first I have to look after myself.

He will be afraid...

But...

We're not alone in this.

Never were. We can ask for help.

And then it will be alright again.

How much I want us to go back to how we were...

I miss him...

I miss everything so much it hurts..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 weeks later ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunggyu.

 

Actually I wanted to start this letter with a little more than only your name, but "Dear" sounded a little bit too much like elementary school and I'm your boyfriend, not your fellow, so I spare myself the "Hey" and " What's up".

 

I didn't think the day will come I'm going to write you a letter. It's not like I ever believed that my mobile will leave me alone in this cruel world, but the fact that you, my dear traitor,

would ignore some of my calls  never occurred to me. I know you have a lot to do at rehab, but WHO TOLD YOU THERE'S EVEN THE POSSIBILITY TO IGNORE ME??!!   

 

No, I'm not mad at you.

If I would use my mobile mobile I would have send you a smirking smiley after the traitor part, but as you might have realized over the years, my drawing skills aren't that remarkable and I don't intend to change that in near future.

 

I planned to keep this letter cool and totally relaxed but right now I'm getting quiet emotional. And it's not like I could fool you. You know I'm not going to be better that fast but I realized over the last days that it slowly gets better... like... I don't have the urge to cry 24/ 7 anymore.

 

My doctor told me to be honest with you in the letters I write. So... yesterday I had some kind of breakdown. But I used that breathing method he showed me and it got better a lot earlier than usual. It might helped that Dongwoo was next to me. The members told me I could call them whenever I need them and I decided that it's the best to do what you told me before you left.

 

 

" Woohyun. Listen to me. I have to go to a health resort to get better. My doctors told me it's better for me...

 

No. Don't cry.

 

It's only for a few weeks and when I'm back I'll be even better than before, trust me. I might even start to go to the gym with you.

 

Woohyun...  what should I tell you to make you feel better?  Come on, dry your tears for me? Do you want me to be some cheesy prince and kiss them away?

 

Look.

 

I did it.

 

It's better?

 

See. You can stop if you want.

 

Now calm down. You're not alone even if you feel like it, okay? Your family is there with you. And your friends. Dongwoos room is just a few metres away. You can sleep in his bed at night. He might be not as cuddly as me and I don't want you to enjoy it too much but just remember that someone's there all the time."

 

 

 

 

I'm pretty sure I'm doing a lot better than you, grandpa. You and your old body.

Don't take it too hard, you know I love your body. Maybe a little too much but that's also no secret to you so I don't really care about it.

 

What I really care about is that girl, Soo Ya. She and her totally annoying boyfriend made it their task to guide me through everything, as they told me.

Pff... a total waste.

When did you meet him again?

Did you have to meet him? You know, I still burn up with jealousy when I only think about it and when I'm better I'm totally going to kick his ...

 

But let's be honest ( like I promised the doctor because I'm a good patient so I should get something in return... can you call me like right now? I know I only talked to you this morning but that's already like two eternities away and I really need my daily Sunggyu dose two times a day)

Nevermind.

 

Back to being honest.

 

I actually like them being around me. They give me some kind of security even though I'm afraid to really engage with Soo Ya, because, you know... her history. I'm afraid she'll be my friend and then... yes... I think I'll talk to Su Yeong about it.

Sometimes I really think he's the Dalai Lama... his words are really wise. And he's such a dreamer... strange that he found a woman like Soo Ya.

She's the most realistic thing ever.

 

 

 

And Doctor Hwang looks at me in silence when I keep mumbling to myself.

" Tell me, Mister, why is it always like this when I meet you? You always look like the world just turned into small flocks of ash and then disappeared with all your loved ones."

" Soo Ya.", Dr. Hwang looks up in confusion. " What are you doing here?"

" I just felt like another mental breakdown is near so I decided to come here and disturb your session with the guy, but it seems like someone was faster  than me.", she says nonchalantly while she keeps looking at me, her head slightly tilted. " Is he alright?"

" Why are you talking about me like I'm not here?"

" Wow. You still get angry. That's good. Shows that you're still alive." , she takes a seat at the free chair next to me and pulls her feet at the seating. " Want to talk to me about it?"

"I don't know you."

" We met at the coffee machine, remember?"

She smiles at me and I just stare at her with puffy eyes.

 

 

 

I'm thankful to them... like really thankful from the bottom of my heart. It's good to see someone outside from the usual.

They always ask me if I want to join them for their trips. It doesn't seem to bother them that I accompany them when they could use the time to be alone together.

Maybe... as strong as both of them are...

Just maybe they're afraid of being alone together. Perhaps they shared so much that they grew scared of each other even if it's just in their subconscious.

Or they know and are good at hiding... and fighting.

 

Aren't they the same as we are in some aspects?

Did one of us ever really speak it out loud?

That a huge part of our relationship consisted of only fear and sadness and mostly I leeched onto the happy memories we made and didn't realize that we weren't - at least for a short amount of time- not good for each other? That we would have healed so much faster if we hadn't been together?

 

Don't misunderstand, Sunggyu.

I'm just writing down what would have been better.

And while I do so, everything inside of me is aching to finally see you again because I miss you so much that it slowly turns into physical pain.

Don't worry. Not the same pain I felt weeks ago.

It's... more pure.

Like it should be.

Like the way everyone feels for the one you love.

 

And I'm so happy about it that you might notice one or two tears that hit the paper while I wrote this. Because you deserve so much more than my twisted feels. You deserve purest, cleanest, honest love from me.

And yes, we also talked about how we have to stop to only think about the other before we even consider to take in how we feel ourselves. Because your words were so right. I can only help you to heal when I'm healed first.

That's why I deserve the same pure and clean and honest love from you and I want you to show me as soon as you're back by my sight, alright?

 

Don't take too long anymore.

You have to see me! Sungjong forces me to eat three meals a day and even though I feel sick a lot of times I only get up from the table when I've finished. I gained a few kilos back and I have a bit more energy lately.

You'll swoon when you see me ~

 

Manager is calling me... he still is angry at me but Dongwoo talked to him and now he's... let me call it human, again.

I still don't want to annoy him anymore. He can be really scary.

You could learn a few things from him.

 

Do well where you are right now so you can come back to me really fast and I can start to change your diet. From now on more sport and more healthy food.

Don't take this as a reason to stay away longer! Almighty Nam Woohyun will know!

 

I love you, always remember or I have to tattoo it on your cute forehead.

 

Woohyun.

 

( If there's a pretty nurse ignore her.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(I'm serious.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another week...

 

 

 

 

"Woohyun Hyung?"

"Hmm?" I don't look up from the paper I just added another sentence, my tongue sticking out in concentration.

" What are you doing?" Sungjong walks behind me and tries to take a peek at the paper.

"Writing."

"What are you writing?"

"A song."

"Son-- Wait! That text... isn't that Sunggyus song!"

" Right."

"Stop it!" he tries to get the paper but I'm faster and press it against my chest, safe from his hands.

" I just wrote the remaining parts."

" Sunggyu sent it to us from rehab and said we aren't allowed to change anything!"

I stick my tongue out. " Too bad for him. Creativity just came over me and I had to write it down."

" On the paper."

"Yes." I turn over in the office chair and smile at him. His frown disappears in a second and gets exchanged by a warm smile. " I'm glad you're feeling better lately."

" Me too, Sungjong, me too.", I take a look at my watch and get up with a start. " It's already 3 pm. He'll arrive any minute!"

That's when the noise of a key in the keyhole echoes through the apartment.

"Sunggyu!" I'm at my feet a second later and dash out of my room to the hallway, on my way successfully running over Howon whose yells get drowned by the mere sight of the familiar red hair.

Sunggyu was only able to close the door when I finally reach him and literally jump on him.

" Yah! Slowly!"

" Gyu! You're back!" I didn't mean to let the first thing he sees be my crying face but sometimes it just can't be helped and I couldn't care less when I'm finally able to nestle up against him again.

" You act like I've been away for years.", I can't see his face but the radiating love in his words covers me like a blanket and I feel safe and secure... so much more than I've felt in a long time.

" It felt like twenty years... no, screw that. Fifty slow and long years." I loosen my grip only to cup his face and to press a chaste kiss to his smiling lips.

Then I can finally take a look at his face.

He looks good. He gained a bit of weight and his cheeks that were so pale show a slight pink blush again.

" You look a lot healthier than five weeks ago."

" You too, idiot." he answers and pulls me in for another kiss.

"Where are the others?" he asks after pulling away.

A slight cough from behind.

I turn around only to meet the faces of our five band members, all of them grinning at us, Sungyeol even with a camera in his hand.

Sunggyu growls in irritation and ruffles his hair. " There are some things I just didn't miss at all."

" We missed you, too, Hyung."

" Yes. Whatever. Now let me go to my room. I need to unpack my things. Is there some food left? And why are there dirty clothes at the ground?! I can't leave you alone, right?!"

And the sheer normality nearly chokes me.

 

 

 

***

 

Sunggyu

 

 

" Yes, Soo Ya. We'll meet both of you when we have time.

Yes, I will call you.

No. Su Yeong doesn't have to come over to remind me and tell him I don't hate him. Why the hell is he even whining in the background?

Yes, I'm fine.

Going to bed now.

Yes...

Of course...

Never.

Hm...

Bye."

I end the call with a deep sigh and  throw the mobile at my pillow. " She's talking so much all the time. Where do all those words come from?"

Woohyun chuckles from his place next to me. He already slipped under the blanket. Now he's lying sideways and keeps looking at the things I do.

I want to kiss him...

 

            I kissed him so many times today.

 

I missed it so much but I knew we had to.

It was good for us.

Those five weeks where I tried not to call him every five minutes and not to run to him when once again one of his messages sounded too desperate.

It was good.

In the end.

And now I can be with him.

 

             Your song..."

 

I lift my eyebrows in confusion when he reaches over to his nightstand and takes the paper that lays there. "Which song?"

" The refrain you sent us... I...", he looks away guiltily. " I hope you're not going to be mad at me but I... finished the rest of it."

 

Aissh... I still don't know why I'm the lucky one that got him.

 

My stomach feels funny when his cheeks blush slightly and I can't help but to bend over and kiss him before I take the paper from him. " Why should I be mad? Let me read it...", I glance at the text. " You also gave it a name. I'm going to you. Sounds nice."

 

When I read his words, I feel nothing but love for the man next to me that hid his face under the blanket, probably embarrassed that I'll laugh at him.

How could I?

The words are beautiful...

As beautiful as he always was, and is, and always will be to me.

And to think that these words are meant for me makes my insides only more giddy.

" Are you finished? If it's not good..."

" Come out, Woohyun."

He carefully peeks at me form under the blanket but I don't intend to let him live out his embarrassment.

"Move." I pull half of the blanket over myself and pull him at my chest before he can react.

Silence covers us for the next minutes.

He's the first one to speak again. " Your heartbeat... I love listening to it."

He plays with the hem of my shirt while I slowly caress his back.

" The song."

" What about it?"

" I want us to sing it together."

" Are you kidding me?"

"No. I love it. Because you made it. And I want the people to listen to it and maybe feel the same happiness it gave to me."

He pauses for a moment before he cuddles closer to my side. "Okay."

The comfortable silence is back.

I can't remember the last time we just lay there, waiting for sleep to take us over. I carefully watch his every moment.

He seems to be relaxed in my arms.

" Are you sleeping better lately?"

"Yes. Sometimes I have nightmares and wake up at night but falling asleep... it became easier again. And now, that you're back I think it'll be fine. Dongwoo is a comfortable room mate but there's no one I want to be together as much as I want to  be with you."

A soft peck on his lips. " I love you, Hyun. More than ever. You know that?"

"I guess." Another kiss, this time his work.

" That's good to know."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Woohyun

 

 

My boyfriend is sleeping.

The sweetest words I could ever think of.

He's sleeping.

Inhaling and exhaling constantly.

Beautiful.

His chest rising and falling in a soundless tact.

I can watch him again when he sleeps. Still with a slight nervousness inside my stomach, but it vanishes when I softly caress his cheek.

He told me to wake him up when I grow nervous, and I will.

But right now I don't have to.

 

 

His chest.

 

He survived.

He's fine.

Next to me.

And I couldn't ask for more.

Because today is today.

And I don't know about tomorrow.

But right now, it's alright.

So I just lie there, by his side, staring at the ceiling, my hand lying at his chest, because I love his warmth and I love his heartbeat.

Like a sweet lullaby.

Inhaling.

Exhaling.

And my breath grows slower when I slowly fall asleep.

 

 

 

 

Sunggyu

 

 

When I wake up sometime late at night he's asleep.

Soundly and peaceful, his hand still on my chest.

I'm tired, but for  a moment I try to stay awake and watch my breath.

Inhaling.

Exhaling.

No discontinuance so he won't wake up.

He told me it's like a lullaby to him.

His face calms me.

His finally relaxed features.

I caress his cheek softly.

And then it's my turn.

I put my hand on his chest.

Not to check on his breathing.

            I can hear it.

                        Perfect.

                                   Beautiful.

 

 

No...

Just to make sure  he feels safe in his dreams, feeling the warmth of my hand.

One of the small things I'm able to give him.

We have to work a lot.

Still not everything's perfect.

But that's tomorrow.

And tonight, it's just me and him, finally able to be next each other again without feeling afraid.

And like that I finally close my eyes for real and let sleep come over me.

 

 

_______________________________________________________________

Thanks for every comment and upvote and everyone who read this ^^

I'm  not the best in writing endings but I'm quiet satisfied now ~~

My Woogyu Feels aren't satisfied at all. That's why.... 

 

https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/629567