"Yongguk?" 

I can't believe it.

"Kim Himchan?"

", is this some kind of joke?" 

I can't believe it's him. Out of all days. Out of all dates.

"What are you doing here?" They could've set me up with a fat bald dude. 'Could've set me up with a drunk truck driver. A 4chan's most famous addict. Or an Albanian transvestite. But no. It had to be him. Bang Yongguk.

I hate my friends.

"Umm... Waiting for someone, and you?" Classy, Himchan, very classy. Polite, too.

"Kind of waiting for someone, too. And I distinctly remember my supposed date saying they had a blue shirt and a box of chocolates in their hand. Aren't blind dates a funny thing, huh?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

I hate my life. I could've at least ate the chocolates and threw the box away. It's not like I'm dieating anyway. They do look delicious. I wasn't even in the mood for a date, any kind of, but this day just had to continue ting on me. Might as well finish it off like that, not to jinx anything in the future. I could use some coffee right now, at least.

Bang Yongguk was my boyfriend once. Well, far from a boyfriend. We ed for like five months. Couldn't admit I was madly in love with him, so I left him because of unrequited feelings. After that Daehyun told me he saw him making out with a woman. Hated his guts since then. Kind of wanted to demolish his face with a brick, too. Kind of wanting to do that now.

"So..." He looked at me confused, probably the same as I was. He never had his way with words.

"So?"

"Boy, this is awkward."

"You don't say", I swear I didn't want to smile at him. "Hey, listen, do you maybe want to grab some coffee, I mean, since we are both here, maybe kill some time? I mean, this day can't get any worse anyway..." And I had too much of a tongue for my own good (his, sometimes, toom, but that was a completely different story). 

, I didn't just say that. Wow can my tongue stop having a mind of its own 'cause it's not working? This never leads to any good. This led me where I was not at the first place. God, I hope he says no, I hope he punches me in the face. Wait, not the face.

"Sure." I hate it how I can't find any bricks around me at this very moment. I wish I was a cloud.

"So where do you wanna go?"

"No idea, man... The weather seems nice enough, we might as well stay outside and... Walk around... Go watch some birds or something."

"You still talk like that." I love you.

"Like what?" "Like you've just got out of bed."

"Really? I've never noticed it." He was still confused, scratching his back nervously and looking around. I wonder how he even got to getting laid with someone, not to mention me a complete opposite of him. Well, he was hot and I was stupid. That explained everything. "So do you know any good coffee places not far from here?"

"We could always have a take out from Coffee Bean, they make an amazing caramel moccha."

"I thought you liked macchiato." He remembers.

"Well, I've changed."

"Can I get my chocolates now?"

-

"Cigarette?" He pulled a box of Camel Black out of the inside pocket of his jacket and offered me one. We were sitting on a bench in the nearest park. Watching birds and everything, how he would put it. I was having my iced aericano (I've suddenly changed my mind) and he was having an espresso. Espresso and Camels. Some people never change.

"No, I've stopped."

"No kiddin'?" Was his only reaction. We sat like that for some time, minding our own business, exchanging silence, until he finally decided to speak, "So watcha doing lately?"

"Oh, nothing, really. I was just renovating my polace. And my water heater kind of died, so I had to call more repairmen. It was chaos for the whole week, I couldn't sleep well. Today I've had to, like, three coffees till now."

"That doesn't sound fun. Except for the coffee part. Coffee is always fun. Still working in your atelier?"

"Not really. Kind of gave up on that. Couldn't make a lot of money from my works. I'm into game-making now. Digital-painting and all."

"That is cool, man! Like, really cool. Way to go." Again, he looked at the swans in the pound, making one of his long conversational pauses 'caue the whole process of talking to people was oh, so overwhelming. At least for him. Daehyun told me he went through some kind of trauma as a kid and he didn't talk for some time. He said he found it hard to express himself, though I never went farther than that in my curiosity. I guess that back then I was only curious about the size of his . Heck, I was glad he was ing me at least, I was that kind of stupid.

"You look sad though."

"Huh?" I guess I, kind of, dozed off someplace else, too. He sure makes an impact on people around him.

"Yeah, I can see it on your face."

"Well, this wasn't really the best of my days, I mean, all that running around, and I kind of got mad at my sister and said some awful things to her and—"

"No, not pissed or nervous. More like... You seem to have it all the time, y' know?"

"I haven't really thought about it." Can't say 'hi' properly, reads your mind. , Yongguk, how are you doing this?

"Yeah, like, you're doing all kinds of stuff but you're not really fulfilled, like, you need something more, something higher to lift your spirits?"

"Like heroin?" Way to go, Him.

"I'm not suggesting you to take drugs, dumb idiot! I don't know what you need, I just suppose you need something." You, for example. "You didn't even smiole to me today. But enough about you. Ask me something."

I was taken aback by his sudden observations. And yet the swans continued swimming and nonetheless I enjoyed the sight of color green around me and the sunny afternoon. I didn't know what to say.

"Um... What are you doing lately? Are you still into composing?"

"Well if you listened to my music after we parted you'd notice there's something new on the scene and it has a 'Bang Yongguk' written on it in huge red letters."

"No, you didn't release an album!"

"Mhm", he smiled proudly, that cocky bastard. "A single actually."

"Wait, what label? And how come you're not Jepp Blackman anymore? Wow, this is so exciting!"

"I've signed the contract with TS Entertainment. Lame, I know. But I had to make some money, as you said. I actually had some real fun working for them. I mean, I was still able to make some decisions on my own, y' know? I did the songwriting and we all discussed the overall atmosphere of the album together, I'm really satisfied with how everything turned out."

"I'm really happy for you", I said. I really was. "So what's the song about?"

"It's called I remember. It's a love song, about a very meaningful break-up."

"Oh?" The words triggered my curiosity.

"Yeah, I know it's an average topic but I just had to write it, I needed to express myself somehow."

"But that's good. So is there anything specific about that break-up or...?"

"No, I mean, there is in a way, but it's written in a more reflexive way, like how the break-up changed my way of thinking, how I'm living this new life still remembering those past moments... It's not really a happy song, but it's still cool to listen."

"I believe it is."

-

"This coffee's pretty good."

"It sure is."

We decided we got bored of sitting so we went for a little walk. I didn't really mind killing time with Bang Yongguk anymore. I didn't expect it to be so relaxing after all what happened between us. Well, it'sn ot like something did happen. Nothing really happened there, that's kind of the whole point. His presence made me re-think some things, revive some old memories. He also made me reflect on some other things, like what I'm doing with my life, am I expecting too much to happen, am I not appreciating it more. I mean... I had a pretty cool job, I've just decorated my place, made some new friends, had a fine social life, went out when I could, I've lost some weight, too... Stil fighting with sis but I guess that'll have to work out once. I mean, my sister did like the stupidest thing ever. She went out to a club last weekend and met a guy she thought was hot. And they started dating, well—at least I thought they did until I bumped into them last night having and... That was actually the first time I met the guy, well, his behing and—I don't wana thing about it, . So today instead of 'good morning' I sad 'what the were you thinking?!' to my sis and we both started yelling... Well, mostly me.... I mean, I know we're all stupid in love, but how could she do that? She didn't even know a guy nor his intentions. She slept with him after only few days and claimed he was her boyfriend. She says it wasn't anything serious. But it just can't be said like that. I know what 'not that serious' means. Okay, some people do this for fun but she doesn't know what's fun for her yet. She was only doing that because of her low self-esteem and because she thought she'll never have a boyfriend. I know that for a long time she didn't consider herself pretty because of her weight problems and that she needed more attention now that she was pretty but she doesn't have to sleep around with every guy in order to confirm that. But now I regret I didn't say it to her in a nicer way. I ing made her cry and now I feel like because of it.

"What are you thinking about?"

And once again, Yonggu's voice woke me up from my vegetative state. When have I become so brainy? I never thought before I said anything. Other people's tears explain that perfectly well.

"I just hate myself sometimes!"

"It's okay now, spit it out."

"I told my sister she was a because she slept with a guy she barely knows, I guess for fun or whatever the reasons were. And I made her cry, Yongguk. I'm such a jerk!" I violently threw my empty coffee cup in the trash can. Way to be dramatic, .

"Wow, you really are a jerk. Apologize to her immediately. Call her now and apologize. You should never treat a woman like that. That's why she'll go and do another stupid thing. Because her brother thinks she's a ."

"I hate it how sometimes you're so right I wanna punch you in the face"

"Well, that's me."

"But would you anyhow justify that kind of behavior? Like... Am I misinterpreting anything?"

"Well, you're not so perfect either, Himchan. You shouldn't make an example out of yourself while doing the exact same thing."

I didn't know what to think. I met the side of Yongguk I didn't even see while we were together. Back then I only knew he didn't say much. He didn't have to say much because we didn't have to talk in bed. We didn't even have to talk while it was raining and we were watching a movie. We didn't have to talk while sleeping together. Or showering afterwards. And it wasn't really nice to talk with your mouth full. I liked talking so much that sometimes I only talked to hear myself talking. I wasn't very good. But Yongguk... It's not like he was mute or anything like that, he'd say stuff occasionally, we had some talks, just the two of us, but, it wasn't like you could get to him anyway... I always thought he had something really valuable inside of him but I never bothered to try and discover. 

There'd been some moments I could appreciate more. There'd been some things about him I was too self-centered to see, for I cared only about my feelings and how I felt about him. But were those feeling even real then? The days we could've ceased, the glances we could've felt while actually paying attention, while actually keeping quiet—and looking at what's been there in front of me the whole time...

And now I'm left without a thing to say.

"Sorry.

"Huh?"

"I said I'm sorry."

"Then call your sister and say it."

"No... This one's for you."

"Huh?"

"I'll call my sister now."

-

"Listen, it's been a nice time with today", he said, still smoking his Camels. It was around 20.45 , the street lights were on, and we were gonna call it a night.

"Yeah, I had fun, too. It was nice seeing you again." But I, kind of, didn't want to end it like this. Something must've made us see each other again Or at least I wanted to believe in it to justify my next move. "Listen, my apartment's clean tonight. The repairmen have already gone by now and my sister's out with her friends, so if you want to we could—"

"I'm not doing that anymore, Himchan."

"Oh." I let go of his hand.

I have made such a fool out of myself. I can't believe I actually wanted to invite him over for . What was I thinking? I even used my sweetest voice for this even thought in regular situations I sounded  like a damn truck driver. Yongguk was right. I should never make an example out of myself while being a hyporicte. I'm such a .

"But, y' know, I could drive you home if you want. I have my car parked here somewhere."

"You finally got your licence!" Never mind my embarrassment this was quite a funny story of Bang Yongguk trying to pass his driving tests! "I can't believe you made it!" Somehow we were all losers in our own ways.

"Well, you know what they say... 23rd time's a charm!"

"You lucky bastard!" I laughed my off. "I've missed you, Bang."

"I've missed you, too", he said and for the first time today we looked each other straight in the eyes without moving around or looking away. It was a great night after a lousy day. "You know, I never said you can't hold my hand like you did."

"Oh."