Here I am, waking up in another morning with a throbbing pain in my chest. I sighed “Another normal day for me”

This has become a daily routine in my life ever since that dreadful day. The day you broke my heart into a billion pieces. I always wonder what I did wrong. What could I have possibly done wrong for you to leave me? Why our relationship went down the drain? But you answered it for me instead.

“You simply got sick and tired. That’s why you ended it all.”

I‘ve already seen it coming. All the short texts, conversations, and interactions we had; all the excuses you made up to avoid our dates; you, always coming home late; not talking to me. I’ve clearly seen it all but I still chose to believe in you. In us. I lied and fooled myself in every possible way just to hold on to our relationship. On our love. Or in this case, my love. But everything became crystal clear when I heard those words directly come out and pass your lips. ‘Let’s break up’. Those lips that I used to kiss. Those lips that used to adorably pout when you want something. Those pair of lips I used to wish that will only be touched by me.

I hit my chest a few times “Stupid heart! Why can’t you move on! It’s already been 3 years for heaven’s sake!”

I sighed ‘It’s already been 3 years since you left me, but still……… I can’t forget about you. I still can’t move on. I tried so many things just to let you out of my mind, my life and most especially………. out of my heart. I guess a 5 year relationship is nothing to you’.

~flashback~

I went to clubs and flirt with random girls every night. At first I felt horrible doing this. It seems like I’m cheating but I realized it doesn’t count as cheating if the other party does not love the other. And for the record, you are the one who cheated. But don’t get me wrong, I never slept with any of them. I didn’t even kiss anybody. It’s not like I never intended to do it. If that’s the only way to free myself from you, then I would gladly do it but every time those chances come, my body would automatically jerk and push the girl away.

I figured that meeting with different girls will not make me forget you.  Heck it’s not even close. It would just remind me that you are the only one for me. The perfect girl I could ask for. The girl that I will love and cherish forever. The girl that I’m willing to spend my whole life with. My world. My other half.

But since acting a complete playboy can’t help ease my suffering………………. I came down to the very last option I could think of. The only way that will pull me out of this misery, although it means that I would have to leave some people behind. But I could care less anymore, if this is the only way left to bring me to paradise………. then I’ll take my chances……… even with death itself.

I just don’t want to experience this excruciating pain anymore. I want to forget the pain. The day when you broke my heart and crashed it into tiny bits, leaving me with nothing but to pick up the shattered pieces, trying my very best to at least put it back together. Over and over again.

Every broken piece seems like a sharp shard piercing its way onto my whole humanity. I’ve never felt this vulnerable before. So vulnerable that I already became numb. Not caring of what other people, my friends, and my family think and say. Even not caring of what I’d do to myself. That’s why I decided to kill myself.

I positioned the sharp knife above my left wrist, getting ready to cut the thin flesh any minute. The cold metal brushed against my skin sends shiver down my spine. I felt delighted. I then closed my eyes and whispered to no one “Please, take this pain away” After saying that, I slid the knife over my wrist, not forgetting to apply force to inflict a deep cut. I just don’t want this chance to slip away. Not when I’m finally be able to forget you.

I opened my eyes and gazed at the blood dripping down from my wrist and onto the white fur rug, staining its purity. I released a dry chuckle. My body felt torpid. I can’t feel anything except the hot tears that are now flowing freely down my eyes. I didn’t even know when I started crying.

‘Why am I crying? Now when I will finally be able to get over you? To go to paradise and leave this hell. So why the hell am I crying right now?................. I guess it’s true what other people say’

“Humans are so complicated, especially when it comes to love”

Moments later, my head began to spin.  I felt dizzy. Maybe due to blood loss. I took a glance at my wounded wrist. It’s still bleeding causing my left arm and the white fur rug below to be drenched with my own blood. I quickly held onto the couch beside me to prevent myself from stumbling down. The dizziness is getting worse. I could feel my legs weakening and my breath shortening with each passing second that ticks.

 ‘Good, death is finally making its move’.

I looked up and stared at the ceiling and just like in movies, all the times we shared together flashed before my eyes. Both good and bad times, every single memory we made. A small smile was plastered on my face while I reminisced our time together. How I greatly wished I could turn back time and stop all of these from happening. To stop you from leaving me and from breaking my heart. But I know that will never happen. It’s impossible. That’s why; here I am, facing it all. Alone.

Soon, my legs couldn’t take the pressure anymore and gave way, dropping my entire body on the floor. I saw that my blood is still continuously flowing out.

‘I guess going through the military isn’t a waste after all. I did cut my wrist pretty deep.’ I mockingly laughed at myself.

I turned my body around and laid flat on my back. Death is slowly approaching me. I can feel it, but I don’t feel scared. Instead, I felt relieved. I know it sounds weird because most people fear death so much that they would even spend a ton of money in order to live longer. I guess every person has his/her own preferences. Every person is unique.

Slowly, I closed my eyes and inhaled the amount of oxygen my lungs can take at this very moment “Finally, I’m free” I said as death slowly the life out of me, leaving me lifeless and soaked up with my own blood. Bringing me in to paradise. But one thing I know for sure is that, I’m smiling. For I know that I would finally escape this living nightmare. From you. But please remember that I would always love you. Even in after life.  And with my very last breath, I spoke “I love you Choi Sooyoung”

After that, everything went black. But I could still hear a faint sound in the background. Something like a ringing phone. But I don’t care anymore.  What matters the most to me right now is that I’m finally free from any pain.

At least that’s what I thought.

I woke up and found myself in a white room. No this is not paradise. I’m in a h------------

Just then, the door swung open. Revealing a raven haired guy walking in with two plastic bags in each hand.

“Kyuhyun, glad you’re finally awake” The guy took a sit beside my bed and smiled weakly.

“Why am I here Hyuk?” Eunhyuk flinched at the sudden harshness of my voice. He quickly composed himself and spoke.

“Well I saw you lying on your penthouse yesterday night all drenched up with your own blood. So obviously, I would bring you to the hospital” Eunhyuk explained in a matter-of-fact tone. “I don’t even know why you committed suicide Kyuhyun”

“That’s the point Hyuk. I was committing suicide. Meaning I wanted to die. So why the f--- did you bring me here?!” I snapped. I was already close in achieving freedom but Eunhyuk just ruined it. All of it.

“Kyuhyun, I may not know nor understand what you’re feeling right now. But please, don’t hurt yourself. Don’t torture yourself like this” Eunhyuk pleaded.

“Of course you don’t know. You don’t know anything. You don’t know the feeling of losing the one you love the most. You don’t even know the feeling of being abandoned” I spat out, anger clearly evident in my voice.

“Yes, I don’t know what you’re feeling right now. But trust me, I would never wish to experience any of it at all. But if you try to kill yourself again and I’m not around to help you anymore, then I might be able to understand you and feel your pain. You’re my best friend Kyuhyun and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I know that’s what other people want too.” Eunhyuk sincerely stated.

“And forgetting her, I know you can do it. I believe in you” He patted my back and left the room, leaving me in deep thought.

I thought killing myself would completely help me erase all the burdens I’ve been harboring but I’m wrong. I became selfish.  I didn’t think of others. I didn’t think that there are still people out there who still cares for me and will feel sad if I die.

After thinking for a while, it became clear to me. I would still continue to live. Not for myself but for the people who loves and cares for me. I know it would not be easy to erase the pain and agony you’ve caused when you left me but I know I can do it. Because I have friends and a family who are more than willing to help me overcome this obstacle.

Now, I have decided…………………………………………………………………………………..

“I’ll forget you……….. Sooyoung-ah”

~end of flashback~

-KY