I'll Always Be By Your Side
I'll Always Be By Your Side
My vision was blurry; everything was distorted and out of place. Voices called my name from far away, telling me to get up, but I felt so heavy, so tired. Besides, it was so comfortable here.
Why would I want to get up?
I felt like I was floating in the clouds. Everything was so peaceful, yet there were always the voices. They were like flies: you never really pay attention unless they get too close.
As time passed, I noticed the voices getting louder and louder. Actually, it wasn't voices, plural. It was more like a single voice, crying my name, begging for me to come back. Soon it began to get rather annoying. But then the voice did something different.
It sang to me.
Both the lyrics and the angelic voice caressed my heart. Imagine the sweetest sound you have ever heard and multiply that by one thousand, and you only get a fraction of what I was hearing.
Afure dasu omoi kore ga boku no ai
Sarani motto, motto ōkiku natte
Sugu ni subete wa tsutae kirenai
Itsuka tsutaetai
Moshimo zen nen kakatta to e
Zutto boku no soba ni ite
(Thoughts are overflowing, This is my love
Increased even more and more
All I can not tell immediately
I want to tell someday
As if I took 1000 years
But always by your side)
The voice lured me in like a bee to honey. It tugged on the strings of my soul, and I found myself remembering someone singing this song to me before.
Kimi ga ita omoide no pazuru no piisu ni
Boku mo sotto yoko ni ita omoide tsunagete
Dare ni mo mi rareru koto nai
Futari no mirai chizu ega kidaa
(I carry your name
I’d like to run a long journey
Back to memory before the meeting
But how far will transfer two
On the campus of the white snowy mountains
Repeatedly to you and me
I want to tell someday)
A face flashed in front of my face, but it was gone before I could get a good look at it. That angelic singing slowly faded away, but I didn't want it to leave. I wanted that beautiful voice to sing forever to me.
Come back! I cried and tried to follow the receding voice, but suddenly moving felt like swimming through caramel. My limbs were weighed down my invisible chains, and the voice kept getting farther and farther away.
Don't leave me here. I sobbed to the voice, trying to pull free of the heavy burdens that were keeping me down, and suddenly, I felt them fall away. Immediately I chased the direction that the voice had disappeared in.
All around me was darkness; it was like walking through an empty space, yet I kept walking in the direction of that voice. As if it were a thousand miles away, I saw a tiny pinpoint of light.
Breaking out into a run, I sped towards that light, yet as I got closer the voice got more and more faint. The little light quickly grew into a huge star as I approached it, and I ran at full speed right into it.
Suddenly, I was no longer in a dark space. Beeping noises were all around me, and I sat up abruptly. I blinked the fog out of my eyes and looked around me.
I was in a hospital room.
Doctors and nurses flooded into the room and began talking frantically to each other, but I didn't pay attention to any of them as memories rushed into my head.
Picking out the perfect suit to wear.
Carefully styling my hair just the way Minho liked it.
Minho's face when he saw me walking down the driveway to his car.
Going to a fancy restaurant.
Minho seeing his ex girlfriend.
Seeing his face as I stormed angrily out into the street.
Hearing him scream my name as the truck's brakes screeched against the pavement.
Feeling his arms around me as I layed in the street.
Hot, wet tears falling onto my face as Minho told me he loved me.
The memories were like a white-hot iron slapping me in the face.
"Where is he?" I croaked. "Where's my Minho?"
The doctors looked at me with mixed emotions; sadness, pity, worry. My stomach clenched in fear and I felt my world implode as a thought struck me hard.
"Where is he?!" I screamed at them and began ripping the IV drips and cords out of my arms in a blind panic, not feeling any pain as blood spurted over the crisp bedsheets.
"WHERE IS MY MINHO?!"
~~~~
Oh crap, I'm going to be late again.
I looked up at the clock dully, and moved to get out of bed.
Minho would be sad if I was late again.
I pulled myself out of the little nest I had made out of my bed and stumbled into the bathroom. My hair was a mess, and I needed a shower badly, but I just shrugged my pajamas off onto the floor.
Walking to my closet, I pulled out a shirt at random and put it on quickly along with some baggy blue sweat pants. Looking in the mirror, I realized I had grabbed one of Minho's favorite t-shirts. It was a bit big on me, and I hoped that he wouldn't mind me wearing it.
I walked out of my bedroom and, as I walked past the kitchen, considered getting something to eat, but shook my head.
I'll eat after I see him.
Instead of calling Jonghyun to take me to Minho like usual, I grabbed the keys to my rusty Toyota and hoped I had enough had to get to Minho. Even though I hadn't driven in months, the tank was still half full, and I thanked whatever divine force that was watching me, but then I immediately took it back, thinking of Minho.
It was an hour long drive, but I didn't mind. In fact, I liked it. Rain pelted down on the windshield, and the sound was strangely comforting.
As I was driving, Seoul's busy streets and brightly light stores gradually faded away into rolling hills of grass.
I had promised Minho that I would visit him every week, and I kept that promise for six months. Six months I made the hour drive, and in six months I still loved him more than anything in the whole world.
Soon I pulled up to the familiar iron gate that was covered in climbing ivy, and I honked the horn once, signaling the groundskeeper to open the massive gate. With a slight groan, it slowly swing open and I drove through, waving flatly at the old man who opened the gate each time I came here.
I parked in my usual spot and got out into the pouring rain, not caring that I was getting soaked, and I trudged towards the dimly lit path leading to Minho. This route had become so familiar to me that I could've walked it with my eyes closed.
I never broke my steady pace as I walked up a steep hill, and after a few minutes of walking, I finally arrived at the top, and I greeted the lone gravestone waiting for me there.
"Hey, Minho," I spoke softly, "sorry I'm late again. My dumb alarm clock broke, and I haven't gotten it fixed yet."
The wind cut through my thin jacket like a knife, yet I didn't feel a thing as a kneeled beside Minho's grave. I gently placed a hand on the stone and traced the engraved message.
Choi Minho
December 9, 1991- April 27, 2013
Loving son, brother, and boyfriend
"Why didn't you wait for me, Minnie?" I whispered, feeling the tears well up in my eyes, yet I made no effort to stop them as they spilled over and rolled down my cheeks. "Why didn't you wait one more day for me?"
I sat at his grave for hours and didnt move from my position.
My stomach growled loudly, like it had been doing for the past hour, and the rain died down to reveal a pretty rainbow in the distant sky. I had stopped crying a little while ago, but I felt empty inside, like a always did when I came here.
"I don't know how much longer I can do this, Minho," I tell the gravestone in a shaker voice, "I've barely held on for the past few months only because the guys made me promise, but... I-it's killing me not being able to see you."
Once again the tears came out, and I wiped them away before standing up. Pins and needles rolled up through my legs, but I didn't care.
"I'm sorry, Minnie, but I can't let you go. I love you too much."
As I began to walk away, a heavy wind ripped the scarf I was wearing off my neck, and blew back towards his grave. I turned around and bent over to pick it up, but then I saw something that just made me break down completely.
There, written in the dirt in front of Minho grave, were the words that saved me.
This is my love.
I took 1000 years,
But never forget that
I will always be by your side.
I will forever love you, Taemin.
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