Your POV

 

“How would you know if someone’s really into you or is just using you?”

 

 

It was dark, as the sun just set. Stars are barely visible as the city lights are starting to illuminate the busy streets of Seoul. With the grocery bags in my left hand and my right hand firmly holding onto his arms, I gazed at him with questioning eyes. It was one of those nights again, when we would hang out, but he would always talk about her and as his best friend, I am obliged to listen to his endless questions about love, life and relationships.

 

 

“You’ve been dating her for three years Kibum, why are you still unsure?” I asked back with irritation evident in my voice.

 

 

He took the grocery bags from my hands as I opened the door to my apartment. Tonight he’s sleeping over. It may sound weird, for a guy and a girl to have sleep overs, but we’re best friends. It doesn’t bother us, our parents doesn’t mind, he doesn’t seem to be affected by it. However I, I am gravely affected by this. For I like him, ever since kindergarten, when he defended me from my bullies, He’s my knight in shining armour, but I’m not his damsel in distress.

 

 

“First of all, I know how much you don’t like her, and I want to thank you for at least being polite with her.” He said as he dropped the grocery bags on the counter top.

 

 “I’m only doing this for you, if you don’t love her so much I wouldn’t even lay a sight on her.” I said.

 

 “You’re the best girl best friend ever.” Kibum smiled that stunning smile that would always dazzle me.

 

 

Best friend, that’s all I am to him. That’s all we can ever be.

 

 

“Why did you have the sudden thought that she’s only using you anyway?” I asked, brushing the sudden sadness off of my mind.

 

 “I don’t know, it just came to my mind and it won’t come off. It’s like I have this feeling that she’s just scared of being alone, and she’s using me to fill that boyfriend space, I have a feeling that she’s going to dump me soon.” Kibum said.

 

 “And throw away the three years she spent with you?” I asked, baffled.

 

 “I don’t think it’s that important to her.” Kibum said.

 

 

I asked him to setup the living room while I cook our snack, we would always use the living room when he sleeps over, I don’t allow him inside my room, too many pictures of him are scattered everywhere, I honestly look like a creepy stalker, and I even freak myself out sometimes. I once tried confessing to him, but with all the perspective for him, I eventually lose hope that he would like me the way I feel for him. I can never compete with the female population.

 

 

“MinHee you’re over stirring the soup.” His voice snapped me out from my train of thoughts.

 

 “Ahhhh!!” I accidentally held the hot pot and now my fingers are sore.

 “See, this is why up to now I keep on insisting that you should live with me, you’re too clumsy.” He said, 

as he held my hand and pushed me towards the sink.

 

 “How do you expect me to live with you, earth to Kibum, we are of the opposite gender.” I said irritated.

 

 “Yeah, but everybody knows you’re like a sister to me.” He smiled as he wiped my hands with a towel.

 

 

So now I’m more of a sister? Great going MinHee, You’re living in this planet for twenty two years, never once did you look at any other guy than him, but he only sees you as his sister. Why is life so cruel to me?

 

 

“Unless of course you have a boyfriend that you don’t seem to talk about.” He smirked.

 

 “I’m not dating anyone Kibum.” I said as I get back to the soup that I’m stirring.

 

 “How come? I mean, you’re young, you’re pretty, no scratch that, you’re beautiful. You can cook!! You’re pretty much an independent girl. How come you’re not dating? How come you never dated since birth?” He asked.

 

 

My cheeks heat up when he said I’m beautiful. So he actually thinks I’m beautiful.

 

 

How come I’ve never dated anyone? It’s because of you, you numb person! I turned down every single guy who asked me out because I have always been waiting for you to ask me out. How can you be so dense to not notice that I actually like you a lot? Have I had not given enough signs since kindergarten? Or is it just that you really can’t see me as a girl that you may date? I don’t want to be just a special girl Kibum; I want to be your girl.

 

`````````

 

 

 “You haven’t answered my question yet.” Kibum said.

 

 “What question?” I asked as I pig out on our meal.

 

 “How come you never dated yet?” He said as he changed the TV channel for the nth time, trying to look for a decent show to watch.

 

 “It just doesn’t interest me.” I said.

 

 “What? Are you a lesbian or something? Because if you are, I would blame it all to myself.” He said as he stared at me with wide eyes.

 

 

I almost choke on the food in my mouth because he looks stupid in front of me right now. Me? Lesbian? Blame it all to him? Is he out of his mind?

 

 

“Why would it be your fault?” I asked.

 

 “Because I always ask you to hang out with me, so maybe I turned you into the opposite gender.” He shrugged.

 

 “I’m a girl Key.” I said.

 

 “You know I don’t like it when you call me Key, call me Kibum.” He said as he took my spoon and fed himself.

 

 “Why can’t I call you Key? Your girlfriend calls you Key all the time.” I said

 

 “You’re not my girlfriend, you’re my special girl. Only you are allowed to call me Kibum, I’m your Kibum.” He smiled.

 

 

Will you please choose the right words, and don’t talk about specials and what’s mine or what’s yours, you’re getting my hopes up but you will just leave me hanging eventually, it kills me every time, why can’t you see what you’re doing to me. You’re not even stupid.

 

 

“So if you’re not a lesbian then why?” He probed.

 

 “Why are you dwelling on this too much?” I asked back.

 

 “Because you never introduced any guy to me, aside from the guys that I already know. Have you ever fallen in love yet?” He asked

 

 

Yes Kibum, I am, right now actually, as I stare at your eyes, I keep falling in love. Why are you so clueless? Is it because you’re too preoccupied?

 

 

“Yes I had, have, still am.” I said.

 

“To whom?” He asked.

 

“I’ll tell you when I’m ready.” I shrugged.

 

“Why are you so secretive? Don’t you trust me?” He asked.

 

 

I do, I trust you a lot, and heck I even trust you with my life. It’s I that I don’t trust. I can’t trust myself with things like these. I can’t afford to lose our friendship just because I have fallen in love with my best friend.

 

 

“You know there was a time during middle school when I almost asked you out.” He said and I choked.

 

“Huh?” I asked.

 

“What? I told you, you’re beautiful. If you find it unbelievable then go ask Kyuhyun, I even threaten him to stay away from you because you’re mine.” He laughed.

 

 

My heart died, so you liked me before but you never dared ask me out. Or you probably don’t like me as much as I do to you, that’s why you didn’t ask me out. Or maybe you changed your mind because you realized that I am not worth the time.

 

 

“So why didn’t you?” I asked.

 

“I was afraid you’d turn me down, but that was years ago anyway, it’s not that important anymore.” He shrugged.

 

 

What do you mean not important? You mean years ago, I could’ve held your hand, hug you tight, kiss you passionately, but because you’re afraid I’d turn you down you took it all away from me? Me? Of all people? Why would you think I’d turn you down?

 

`````````

 

 

 “Remind me again why you chose to drown yourself in alcohol instead of calling me so we can talk things out?” I asked as he took the last shot of beer.

 

“She broke up with me just like that, she didn’t even think of the three years we spent together. I told you this is bound to happen.” He said.

 

 

I watched as he cried and rant about how girls are hard to understand, I listened as he repeat those three words that I’ve wanted to tell him. I cried inside every time he mentions her name.  What he said was right, this was bound to happen, from the start I knew that his ex-girlfriend will break up with him just like that. I knew it all too well from the start, but I chose to ignore my gut feel because I saw him smile. I saw him smile the moment she agreed to go out with him, I saw him smile when they had their first date, and I saw him smile when they shared their first kiss. I watched them from afar hoping it would make me happy knowing that he is happy.

 

 

I was wrong, I was killing myself every time I saw them together, but it never stopped me from wishing the best for him. And now I watch him as he drown himself in alcohol knowing that this will only ease the pain temporarily.

 

 

“You don’t have to drive me, I can go home on my own.” He said when I opened the door to his car.

 

 

I didn’t listen to him and I just guide his way inside the car. I decided to take him to my apartment and just let him sleep on the couch. I won’t take advantage of him if that’s what you’re thinking; I am more mature than that. Besides I don’t want him to like me just because he feels lonely from the break up.

 

 

When we reached home he is already fast asleep, it took me a great deal of effort and stamina to bring him inside the apartment and lay him on the couch. When he is already settled I kicked his side due to my over powering madness.

 

 

“Stupid Kim Kibum.” I muttered.

 

 

I went to the kitchen to open the fridge; I grabbed three bottles of soju and the left over meal from earlier. I might as well drink too since I’m not yet sleepy and I don’t really feel the best tonight. This is one of the things me and Kibum have in common, we both choose to drown ourselves in liquor if we feel that the world is against us.

 

 

However, this time, the world is really not against me, it’s just me, wanting so much for him to be mine but not doing anything about it. He told me he was supposed to ask me out before, so why didn’t I asked him out before. I was too preoccupied with thinking that he won’t ever like me; I can’t believe I had the chance before but I didn’t do anything about it. Now what? I watched him yet again suffer from another heart ache, but that small person inside me still refuse to tell him how I feel.

 

 

What frustrates me is no matter how many bottles of soju I drink I still question myself, maybe I wasn’t drunk enough, this sure as hell will hurt my head in the morning but I want to pass out. I want to not remember anything when I wake up tomorrow.

 

 

I want to forget how stupid I am. I want to forget how stupid he is.

 

`````````

 

 

“Don’t sleep in that position again next time; it will hurt your back. I cooked porridge, just heat it up in the microwave when you wake up. I can’t believe you drank nine bottles of soju, what are you? A freak? If something is bothering you talk to me, you know I’m always here, I’m your Kibum remember?”

 

 

I reread his text for the nth time. Funny how I found myself lying on the couch with a blanket draped over me when I woke up. Now I’m slumped on the floor staring at my phone for God knows how long, the grumbling of my stomach is the only reminder that I have to get up and fix myself.

 

 

He should stop telling me that he’s my Kibum when he isn’t.

 

 

The porridge he cooked is a little bland, or maybe because it’s just my taste buds that is acting weird. I can’t even taste the bitterness of my coffee. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to stay away from Kibum as far as possible. I have to, because I still cannot justify my love for him, because I’m a coward.

 

 

“Mom, remember the educational proposal I received from Yale University? I think I’m ready for it.”

 

 

And with a few taps on my phone, I let my coward side get the better of me.

 

`````````

 

 

Kibum’s POV

 

“Kim Kibum, my Kibum. See you when I see you.”

 

 

Her text puzzled me, she’s not the type to just send a message, and if there’s one thing that makes me confused about MinHee is that she’s such a mystery. I know I’m the closest thing she’s got but even I don’t know what’s going on through her mind. She wouldn’t let anyone, even me, in. That was mainly the reason why I didn’t confess to her before. Of course it’s bull if I say that I don’t love her anymore. Why do you think I keep on saying that I’m her Kibum?

 

 

However, it also doesn’t mean that I never loved my ex-girlfriends, I do, but I know in my heart nothing can compare to what I feel for MinHee. I just learnt to accept that I’m not who she needs.

 

 

Looking back, she never really dated any guy, of course there are a lot of attempts of someone asking her out, but she would always politely turn them down, sometimes I fear that maybe she’s aual, or maybe she’s lesbian, or maybe it’s not really her priority to be in a relationship. Sometimes I wish she would just marry me someday, when both of us are old and in need of someone to be with.

 

 

Nobody really knows what I feel for her, except for Kyuhyun, whom I threatened before. Nobody knows I think about her upon waking up and before I go to sleep. Nobody knows that during my sleepovers on her apartment, I pretend to be asleep just so I could watch her sleep in my arms.

 

 

What’s bothering me is this uncomfortable feeling building up inside me just because of a single text she sent me.  I tried calling her a couple of times already but her phone is unattended. I wonder if calling her parents would be too much, I just really can’t shake this uneasy feeling off.

 

 

“Mrs Jung, is Minhee ok?”

 

 

“Yes actually, she’s on her way Connecticut now. Didn’t you know?”

 

 

I rushed my way out of my office, with trembling hands I reached for my keys and opened my car door. I didn’t even bother putting on a seatbelt. I may never see her again. The problem with her is when something’s bothering her she would always go somewhere far. Usually she would just go to Korea’s provinces, but I know something is off this time, this is another country she’s going to we are talking about.

 

 

Whatever her problem is that she didn’t even tell me must be very big. But why now? Why when I need her most did she chose to run away? Is she tired of consoling me? Is she tired of me? Have I been too dependent of her that I can’t even afford to not see her?

 

 

I reached the airport minutes before her flight; I heard from the speakers that it’s the last call for boarders to Connecticut. I ran wild looking through every inch of the airport looking for any signs of Jung Minhee. That was when I saw the all too familiar dress coat I gave her.

 

 

“MINHEE!!”

 

 

Your POV

 

 

Why am I even waiting for him, he doesn’t even know that I’m going away. Of course he wouldn’t know I didn’t tell him. He’ll probably get mad at me once he found out that I went away. But that’s not what’s bothering me right now, what bothers me is the thought of how I’m going to start anew life without a certain Kim Kibum in my life. I have to do my best to move on, so when I come back, I am not the same Jung Minhee who only knows Kim Kibum.

 

 

“MINHEE!!”

 

 

That was when I crumbled, as I looked back behind the closing glass doors I saw him, panting, catching for his breath, looking so desperately at me, and pleading. Why? But whatever he was going to say have to wait. He has to wait for years before I see him again. I’m going to miss you Kibum.

 

 

I boarded the plane with a heavy heart; I keep thinking why Kibum had that pleading look on his face. Sure he’ll miss me, we’re practically inseparable, but it’s not like my leaving will have a great impact on his everyday life.

 

 

I just have to think that I’m doing this for me, for us. Because I can’t help him if I can’t even help myself. I want to be the person who can comfort him no matter what, and I can’t do that because I want to be comforted as well.

 

 

Kibum’s POV

 

 

“I love you MinHee, goddammit!” I hissed.

 

 

Not caring if there are a lot of people looking at me, I let frustrated tears fall as I still gasped for air. I know I’ll see her again, but I also feel that it wouldn’t be the same if I don’t do anything now. I can’t just follow her, I have a job. I can’t just go after her when I knew she wanted to be alone. I can’t think about me this time, I have to know what’s bothering her first. But how the heck will I know, I for one am sure that her parents don’t even know what’s going through that silly head of hers.

 

 

“, ! Just !” I muttered as I made my way back to my car.

 

 

There’s no point whining at the airport, I have to know. I don’t know where to start but I have to know why she just decided to ran away after drowning herself in alcohol the last time. Her apartment, she must’ve left something on her apartment, one thing I know about her is she’s such a clumsy baggage packer.

 

 

“Kyuhyun, Do me a favour and go to MinHee’s apartment now.” I hung up without even giving him a chance to speak.

 

 

I sped up not thinking if I’m being too reckless right now, these will probably the nth time I’ll let MinHee slip away, and no, I’m tired of lying to myself. I did say that I loved my ex-girlfriends right? But every time they’d break up with me I’d let them go, maybe because I don’t love them enough, because I’m sure that if it’s MinHee, I’d die, I’d die if MinHee leaves me. So right now, I have to get MinHee back, maybe, just maybe, MinHee loves me too.

 

`````````

When I got to MinHee’s apartment, Kyuhyun is already there, sitting at the front porch looking a little pissed.

 

 

“What the is it do you want now Key?” Kyuhyun asked.

 

“MinHee ran away again.” I said.

 

“So what now?” He asked again

 

“I love her.” I stated.

 

 

 “Dude I know that since kindergarten ok? What are we going to do now? I heard she went to Yale or something; she’s probably going to be back after three to five years. Are you going to wait? What if she comes back married with kids?” Kyuhyun probed.

 

“Not if I get her back. Now help me find something that can help me find out why she left just like that.” I said.

 

“Kim Kibum for an intelligent person you are kind of dumb.” Kyuhyun said as I let him in the apartment.

 

“What?” I asked.

 

“The girl’s in love with you.” He said.

 

 

And I was dumbfounded.

 

 

“You probably thought I backed off before when you threatened me to stay away from her because she’s yours right? Well, breaking news buddy, I didn’t back off because of you. I backed off because I found out she loves you. But both of you are stupid, idiots, who kept on hiding what they feel. I would want to laugh at your faces someday if you fix this mess now.” Kyuhyun said.

 

`````````

 

 

Your POV

 

 

“Hey, beautiful.”

 

 

I stopped dead on my tracks as I heard an all too familiar voice. Do I miss him this much that I keep hearing his voice everywhere I go? But this one is different. This time it feels like it’s right beside me. This one sounds so near that I somehow wish this is for real.

 

 

“I miss you Minhee.”

 

 

I looked at my side and I see a blonde pretty face, this is not how he looked six months ago. But I can never deny that blonde suits him. Is he for real? Am I imagining things? Am I ready to see him again if this is real?

 

 

“Are you just going to stare at me?” He asked.

 

 

Kibum.

 

 

“Key.” I muttered.

 

“Don’t call me like that, I’m your Kibum remember?” He smiled.

 

 

He smiled and every defence I forced to build around me shattered. He smiled at me and my heart sank deep. He smiled at me and I feel like I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to squeeze him in my arms, I want to slap him in the face with all my might. He smiled at me and I fell in love.

 

 

“Kibum, Kim Kibum.” I whispered.

 

“Are you on your way to school? You don’t mind cutting classes just for this day right? I have to go back to Seoul tomorrow morning. Kyuhyun only agreed to cover for me today.” He said.

 

`````````

 

 

“Why are you here?” I asked.

 

“Because I miss you, I said it earlier right? But apparently, my best friend had seen too many gorgeous American guys she didn’t even think of me.” He faked a sad face.

 

“Idiot.” I muttered.

 

 

We are at the coffee shop outside Yale. I ordered Iced Americano and he ordered Frappe. He always liked it sweet. Maybe that’s why he’s so stunning and I’m so dull. But why did he decide to visit me when I just adjusted to waking up knowing I can’t see him. This guy is stupid.

 

 

“Please tell me you miss me like how I miss you Minhee.” He said, with a serious face.

 

“I don’t miss you.” I said.

 

 

Although I really want to hug you right now, I’m not going to admit that. I can’t let myself fall in this deep again Kibum. I love you so much I know that for sure, but I can’t continue doing this to myself. Because I want you and me to be happy, I have to get used to not loving you.

 

 

“Liar.” He said then he sipped on his drink.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You only spent six months here in Connecticut but you already know how to lie, to me of all people.” He said.

 

 

We stayed silent for a while, maybe I am a little too much, maybe admitting that I miss him is not bad, it’s not like he’s a different person to me, and we did grow up together. This is frustrating I tell you, I can never know beforehand what I should do when it comes to Kim Kibum.

 

 

“I miss you a lot MinHee, but it looks like you’re doing fine here.” He said.

 

I’m not.

 

`````````

 

 

“You sure you’re going back now? I thought you’re leaving tomorrow morning?” I asked as we stepped in the airport.

 

“Like I said, I went here because I miss you, but I didn’t get the response I was hoping for, so I’ll just leave now. It was stupid of me to even ask you to cut class. I’m sorry.” He smiled.

 

 

We stayed quiet while waiting for his departure time, he didn’t even look at me, and he kept on playing with his phone. I was worried for what will happen if I let him leave now, I felt I’ve done something wrong, but to be honest I talk to him like this every time.

 

 

“Last call for passengers going to Seoul.”

 

 

We stood up and he faced me.

 

 

“When will you be coming back?” He asked.

 

“Probably two more years.” I shrugged.

 

“Be sure to come back alone.” He said as he started to walk.

 

 

 “What do you mean?” I asked as I walked with him.

 

“Because I’m going to marry you when you come back, I mean come on MinHee, nobody can have as much patience as me when it comes to dealing with you. You’re stuck with me, whether you like it or not.” He said.

 

 

I stopped walking and watched his back go smaller every step. Did I just hear what I thought I did? What does he mean by that? Is it literally because no one can understand me the way he does? Or does that mean that he might probably love me the way I love him?

 

 

“Besides……” He stopped walking and turned around.

 

“I have always been so desperately in love with you since kindergarten.” He said.

 

`````````

 

 

“You ready?” Kyuhyun asked.

 

“Maybe? I don’t know. I’m nervous, excited, half scared. I don’t know Kyu.” I said.

 

“Relax; this is what you want right?” He laughed.

 

 

This is what I want right? To be Mrs Kim Kibum, yes this is what I want. I waited my whole life for this, and now that it’s happening right before my eyes, there is no force in this world that could make this stop. Finally Minhee, finally.

 

 

There was something breath taking with the way he was smiling while I was walking closer and closer to him, something breath taking with the way he held my hand and placed it on his arms for me to hold onto, something breath taking with the way he stares at me as we walked down the altar like I’m the only person he sees right now.

 

 

“How would you know if someone’s really into you?” He whispered.

 

“How?” I asked back.

 

“When you look at their eyes, and you see yourself clearly. You see your other half, you found yourself feeling the same way.”

 

 

I smiled.

 

 

“You still haven’t said you love me, you stubborn little brat.” He muttered as we continue walking.

 

“But I’m always like this and you know that.” I said.

 

“I’ll throw a tantrum here if you don’t say you love me.” He threatened.

 

“You won’t do it here, in the church Kim Kibum.” I said.

 

“Try me.” He laughed.

 

 

I stayed quiet.

 

 

“Come on it’s not that hard.” He whined.

 

 

I laughed at his childishness, because it’s just too adorable, sometimes I wonder if he really is older than me, sometimes I wonder why I fell in love with him, but what the heck, it’s really not important. What matters is I do, I do love him.

 

 

“I love you Kim Kibum, since kindergarten too.”

 

 

And he smiled.