Right from the start, you were a thief you stole my heart

And I, your willing victim,

I let you see the parts of me, that weren’t all that pretty

And with every touch you fix them

***

I remember it all very clearly, the day I met Kim Jongdae. He was the man who loved me for who I was, for who I am and promised to love me for who I will become.

That’s just one of the million reasons why I chose to love him and why my heart chose to be with him. Aside from his charming smile that took my breath away, his voice which came to me like a knight-in-shining-armour’s baritone voice when it filled my ears and his whole perfection when he appeared right in front of me. I remembered asking myself during that moment if he was an angel, despite the crowded place and the imperfect time. He made it all heavenly. It was kismet. A love at first sight thing.

“Miss,” he said. “I remember seeing you in a party.”

I still know what I felt at that time. My heart was beating so abnormally fast and loud as I asked myself if I’d ever been to a party.

“I had never been to a party since a year ago,” I told him. “Are you sure it was me? Or maybe you have just mistaken me for someone else…?”

“Nah, I doubt it,” he smiled at me. I swear I saw fireworks behind my head as I stared at him. He looked really charming… I could just die right now. Save me a fall in his masculine arms. “A beautiful face like yours is something I won’t lose memory of,” he continued.

I was speechless and I really didn’t know what to say. I just stared at him like a idiot.

“Ahh, I remember now,” he smiled, raising his head in emphasis. “You were the princess I saw in my dream. We were on a ball, and I was the prince.”

I never thought such a beautiful lie could exist. It didn’t matter to me anymore now. I wanted to be with him. This guy likes me.

“Jongdae,” he offered his right hand for a handshake.

I reached out my hand and felt the smoothness of his palm. “Shinha Jung.”

“Kim… Kim Jongdae,” he said with a dazzling smile.

It could be a start. We started going out for months. Jongdae was the epitome of the perfect guy suited for me. He is the sole reason why I’ve became I better person. He makes me laugh and he makes me happy. I feel contented to be with him and to have him. What makes me more light-hearted is that he loves me and he is willing to be a part of my once dull life. I missed that Kim Jongdae I knew.

I stared at the scenery outside the café I am now. It’s a new year and the snow covered street of Seoul made me remember the time Jongdae and I became a couple. It was snowing too. But it was on a perfect chilly night of a December, almost three years ago.

I looked up from my now snow covered boots when I felt someone making his way noisily towards me. I smiled when I saw him wrapped up in his chocolate brown coat. He looked so squishy I was already dying to get my arms around him until he wouldn’t be able to breathe.

“Sorry, I’m late!” he said in between panting. He bent his knees and put his hands on top of it as he tried to catch his breath.

“You weren’t late,” I said. “I just came early. You’re on time.” I continued and turned my back and headed inside the café. “Cappuccino or coffee?” I asked him his two favourites.

We were already inside the café when he spoke up. “Coffee. And why did you wait for me outside? It’s freezing out there! You know the right thing to do, you could at least do it.” he lectured.

I find that too caring and cute. Aish, really, this guy.

“I stood there for thirty seconds then thank goodness, you appeared.” I said, completely dismissing him.

He kept silent, weighing my words. He pushed me aside gently and said our orders then gave the attendant our pay. We hadn’t uttered a word until we were on our table.

“Advance Merry Christmas,” he said to me. I looked up to him. I really hated advance holiday greetings. I sighed inwardly.

“Uh, same to you, I guess.” I muttered. He chuckled and continued on his coffee.

I remembered one thing he told me before. “If you’re ready, just say so.” I knew what he meant by that, as in, totally knew it by heart. I just needed the perfect time.

I looked above the sky, only seeing a few stars. Jongdae interlaced his fingers with mine as we quietly walked on the roadside. There were a lot of people on the streets, probably just like us. I braced myself on my next move.

“Jongdae-ah…” I called.

“What?” he gently asked.

“Remember the first day you and I met?”

He must have been dying to know why I asked him that. Of course, it might be a hint.

“How could I forget that? Of course I remember everything.” he cleared his throat. Squealing inside, I was still unsure but I was willing to take a risk and step into a relationship with him. What could possibly go wrong if we both love each other? I know it’s probably too early to be sure about everything but it didn’t matter to me anymore.

“Me too.” I laughed quietly. I stopped and faced him. “Jongdae…”

This time, it was him who only stood and stared like we have all eternity. This is it, I said to myself.

“Jongdae, I think I’m ready.” I said, slurring each words carefully so it would turn out clear and he wouldn’t, for the troll of him, let me repeat that again for a tenth time of this moment. “I’m saying yes.”

“Yes for what?”

“You know what it is,” I wanted to punch him in the chest for making this hard for me.

“Ahh… that shopping date for tomorrow?” he nudged on. I growled mentally. His attitude is such a pain in the sometimes.

I’ll play the cards with him this time. “If you keep on playing dumb about this, Kim Jongdae, I promise, you will regret it. I swear.” I glowered at him.

In my surprise, he pulled me in and wrapped his arms around me. I watched at the falling snowflakes with wide eyes while feeling the abnormal beating of my heart. It grew twice worst than the first time I met him.

“Thank you.” I heard him whisper in my ear. It tickled me so I abruptly pulled away but he didn’t let me.

“Thank you for what? Let me go, this is embarrassing,” I scowled.

“You’re mine now,” he said as he buried his face on the crook of my neck. “And screw those who are watching us. They should make a scene, too. It feels awesome.”

I decided to wrap my arms around him as I felt my cheeks blush. I buried my face on my arm that was wrapped around his neck. “Don’t make me regret I made you my boyfriend, Jongdae.” I hushed.

“That’s my girl.”

--

Now, you’ve been talking in your sleep

Oh, oh, things you never say to me

Oh, oh, tell me, that you’ve had enough

Of our love, our love

“What’s the status?” I mumbled to myself. “Failing.”

It pained to know. I wanted to fix our relationship, to make it work, to make it whole again as it was before. Three good whole years were more than enough. When I married him, I thought things are only going to get better. But I was dead wrong.

He’s not telling me anything. We barely talk to each other, and we don’t share stories anymore like we used to. We barely even spend time with each other because of our work and now when I get home, I expect him to put on the cold shoulder or probably not home yet. It pained me a lot. He makes me feel like I don’t exist. I’ve seen Jongdae and the look in his eyes. He’s been avoiding me as if he’s hiding something.

I miss him cuddling me. I missed those lazy afternoons we shared and all the good memories I had with the guy.

The guy who is currently facing his back to me. “I’m home,” I said, announcing my arrival.

I went to our bedroom, stopping a sob. Because he never turned back… or even mumbled a ‘yeah’ or a nod, perhaps. That’s all I need, for now.

Just give me a reason, Jongdae… why you’re doing this to me. What did I do wrong?

--

I’m sorry I don’t understand where all of this is coming from

I thought that we we’re fine (Oh, we had everything)

Your head is running wild again My dear, we still have everything

And it’s all in your mind (Oh, but this happenin’)

Breakfast and I decided to confront him about everything. Last night was a mess, even though nothing happened. I cleared my throat as I finished my drink. “Let’s talk. We hadn’t talked for a while now.”

No response from him. He ignored me and purposely plunged a mouthful of rice on his mouth.

I let him finish that. “What is happening to you, Jongdae?”

He just shrugged.

My throat is hurting, from holding back tears. Was he the man, the same man who loved me? Or at least, he told me… Was he the same man who promised me that I won’t regret as long as we’re together? And as long as you and I exist? It doesn’t feel like it.

“What did I do wrong?” I asked. My voice sounded so broken and I hated it.

“Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s fine. You’re just imagining things.” He stood up and left the room. I waited ‘til he closes the door behind him before finally letting out a lungful of air. It felt better because it didn’t come out a sob.

My eyes were betraying me though, as countless teardrops fell from it.

I am not imagining things! And I definitely know everything isn’t fine.

--

Will I keep on making myself happy from reminiscing from the past?

I know that a lot of people wouldn’t want to think about their past.

However for me, it was the happiest time in my life. Back when everything was happy, and he was still happy being with me. The memory of our first kiss and the countless laughs we shared.

You’ve been having real bad dreams

Oh, oh, used to lie so close to me

Oh, oh, there’s nothing more than empty sheets

Between our love, our love

Weeks past and the situation got worse to worst. I talked to his friends at work, and thankfully there was no other woman or anything. I surveyed him and think that he isn’t really having a third party or anything. Still… there is doubt, bringing a hole in my heart. He doesn’t trust me.

I never brought myself to talk about this to my parents or to his. Whatever is the cause of all the change, I would have to know it myself. I wouldn’t stop, he is still written in the scars on my heart. He will love me again.

I closed my eyes when I heard him making his way. I pictured him coming in, stopping for a second and get inside the bathroom. He came out and I could feel him staring at my back. I pretended to sleep as I clenched my fist on the front of my chest.

I know he wouldn’t hold me close to him. So with all the might I could exert, I forced myself to sleep.

--

Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough

Just a second we’re not broken, just bent

‘Till we can learn to love again

I never stopped, you’re still written in the scars on my heart

You’re not broken, just bent ‘till we can learn to love again

“I’ve had enough of this, Jongdae.” I confronted him again. Tears were already in the verge of falling although I readied myself for this.

“I want a divorce.” I said fighting back a sob. I wanted to act strong for the sake of easy letting go.

“What? You’re—give me a reason why you’re telling me that.” Jongdae told me.

I wanted to run my fingers through my hair in frustration. How dare he? “Really? You’re asking me that? You’re asking me that when in the first place, you—” I pointed a finger at him. “You should be the one giving me a reason, just a little bit’s enough for me. I’m not asking for reasons, Jongdae. I just want to know why you suddenly changed.” I sounded too pained. All the emotions I kept hidden all came out like a meteor shower, all coming out at once.

“Do you—don’t love me anymore?” I bawled. I couldn’t hold back a cry anymore. “I’m giving up on our love. I can’t do this anymore.”

 “Me either.”

Oh, Jongdae Kim, how can you be so heartless?

--

Oh, tear ducts and rust, I’ll fix it for us

We’re collecting dust, but our love’s enough

You’re holding it in, You’re pouring a drink

No, nothing is as bad as it seems.

We’ll come clean!

I came home to my parents’ house. They asked me what’s wrong and I told them everything.

My father’s heart broke and my mom wept.

You get the picture. My father with all the bitterness on his voice declared his decision. “I’ll make that goody-two-shoes Jongdae see what I could do once I found out that he is cheating on you!”

“Maybe he just had a problem that he can’t tell you, Shinha dear. I know Jongdae has his own reasons,” my mother had told me.

I heard the sound of my father’s mocking laugh. I hope mother was right.

For a week, I stayed at my parents’ house. There wasn’t a clear position on what I and Jongdae are in right now. I left our house as soon as he left when I told him that. My mind was blank at that time.

It paralyzed me for a moment when Jongdae’s younger brother came. I never heard Jongdae being drunk.

“He gets very talkative when he’s drunk. Trust me, he’s annoying.” His brother told me, smiling, just like Jongdae’s smile but I knew who wore it better. I was just biased. However, he told me everything I needed to know. He told me the things, Jongdae should have told me before. At first it was almost impossible for me to believe. I couldn’t think of anything.

I drove back to the streets on the way to our house. I drove slowly because I was thinking if I should scold him or not. His parents called me last night after his younger brother left and told me to come and talk to him. He needed me but he didn’t trust me enough to tell me.

I didn’t use the key for a reason. I rang the bell of our house. I remembered the time we installed it together and how I helped him with it. I bit my lip at the memory when I use to wipe his sweat with the end rim of my sweatshirt.

He opened the door for me. He looked fine and already long sober. I hesitantly smiled and greeted him.

He looked like he’d like to slam the door on my face. Maybe he’s quarreling on his mind if he wanted me to stay or not. I saw him sigh and his expression softened. How I longed to see that… My heart is aching again… I wanted to bury my face on his chest and smell the heavenly scent of him.

“Come in,” he mumbled.

I took little and muted steps as I stepped inside. He closed the door and I faced him.

“Your family told me everything.” I said.

“So…what? You’re here to pursue the annulment?” he asked.

I could feel the unveiled bitterness on his voice.

“We can still work this out. You know I’ll understand. This would never happen if you just had faith in me.” I chided. He didn’t spoke as I waited.  “I ask you for a reason why you’re doing this to me but you kept your mouth shut. I learned the reason from your brother!”

His eyes turned into slits.

“Tell me,” I sad, my voice raising an octave. “Was the reason of all this, the real reason why you acted cold to me like I don’t even exist is because of your son?”

“She was a mistake… but not our son. When I knew about him, I wanted to keep him. But—”

I cut his words off. “When?” Yes. When?

“Almost  year now—I-I don’t know! All I know is that we’re already married when I knew that I have a son.”

“Who is she, Jongdae? Who is the girl?”

“She’s already dead. She was my s-student…”

I felt my throat burning up. I wanted to scream. He cheated on me before we were married.

“Don’t get me wrong, Shinha.”

A tear fell of my left eye as I heard him say my name. How long has it been since he last called be my name? How long terrible months had passed?

“I have known about her before we even met. Four months after what happened to us, she left my class. I assumed I got her pregnant but she told me that she wanted us quits because what we were doing was wrong… Then, months later… I met you.”

My mind was in total darkness. Buzzing sounds were suddenly deafening me and totally making me weak. I stared at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was scared… that you’d leave me… scared you will know. I decided it’s better for you to think that I don’t love you anymore, than know that I messed up.”

“You’ll take the child, will you?”

“He’s my son. And I love him. He’s my responsibility.”

“Jongdae, you forgot our promise, didn’t you?” I told him and he repaid me with a puzzled look. “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health… He’s our responsibility. I am his mother and we will be a family.”

I know I’m ready for this…

He went and enfolded me in his arms. I was smiling yet I was crying as I felt his warm loving embrace once more. “I thought you stopped loving me. I was so hurt. It was so painful.” I mumbled.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” he said as he tightened his embrace. It didn’t matter to me if what he’s doing will cause me not to breath. It’s okay. He still loves me after all those months I thought he doesn’t love me anymore.

“I’m sorry for being a coward.”

I looked at his face. “You know what? I hate you.”

“I understand,” he said and he kneeled on the ground. “I apologize for hurting you. I’m really sorry. You can kick me, punch me, throw me to the ground… do whatever you want to do to me as long as it will satisfy you. Put me on fire or lock me out on a rainy day so a lightning will struck me, sh—”

I heard his rant. Here he goes again. I crouched and leveled myself to him and ruffled his hair.

“I love you. Now, stop exaggerating.” I smiled. “I want to see our son.”

His smiled matched mine. It was a smile that you exert whenever you get the feeling that everything’s back the way they were and that… things will only become better.

“Will do.”  He chuckled and pulled the back of my head. “I love you too,” he said before finally placing his lips on mine.

--

Comment! :D

Inspiration is from Pink's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpQFFLBMEPI

DCHwang™