Stop Crying Your Heart Out
IRISYou look into me openly, touching my brain, I think I've become a fool. - Lucifer, Shinee
You could say I'm stupid. You could say I'm blind. I could not help it because it's probably true. When you love someone too much until it took your breath away, too much, this feelings, this thought like that is what you will probably feel.
It starting with… a promise.
"I will always keep your heart, Ji."
You said that in a very beautiful way. I trust you. Maybe it's time for me get happier. But…
"40 °C."
Yongbae took the thermometer out of my mouth. He sighed. I could only look at him, in silence. The last few days I could just kept quiet and spaced out, not really did anything. Yongbae looked at me desperately. He put the thermometer on the table next to my bed, and with a serious gaze he said, "It's getting worse, Ji. Can you at least put your problems away and rest just for a moment? "Yongbae begged me. I saw sadness in Youngbae’s eyes. when I recalled, this is the worst fever I've ever had.
"I can not help it, Bae." I replied as he pulled the blanket up enough to cover half of my face. "You know that I'm psychosomatic, right?" My head is so hurt, its pounding non stop. I’ve could hardly breathe because of my asthma attacked. The bottom half of my lungs are dead.
Well, can you blame me? I have a severe lung collapse and respiratory failure. Everytime I've got stress, my lungs got really bad condition. Yongbae is one of my friends who've really seen me and took care of me.
"Have Seunghyun texted you or something? Did he know you were sick?" I just shook my head. Even my boyfriend didn't seem really care.
"He hasn’t contacted me since three days ago. And I'm afraid to bother him. I don't wanna be a burden, Bae." The thought about Seunghyun made my head really hurt. We had arguments three days ago, just small things. When I was just a little mistake, Seunghyun would be upset and ignored me for a long time. When he gets angry, he will not bother to ask how I was doing, or if I was okay.
"It's not normal Jiyong. He is your boyfriend. How could he be so careless, you’re sick. "Yongbae said in angry tone. Always like this when he sees me. He's such a jerk, Seunghyun is. I don't mind though, beacuse I love him so much, as long as he's with me, I don't care. Yongbae said I'm so desperate, I'm so desperate to find love, Seunghyun's love.
"Just leave it, Bae." I simply said. I've got full of them, that’s enough. I know I'm stupid but I love Seunghyun. And that is the problem."
"For GOD SAKE, JI! Fine. I better get some fresh air now. I'll buy dinner, please at least just sleep. Take a rest for a bit." Yongbae took his bag over the couch. After that, without speaking much he went out of the house.
I sighed. My heart is aching and twisted. It's always been like this, when we have fight, Seunghyun would punish me with the silent treatment. I don’t know what he's thinking, there is a time when he became so kind and gentle, but sometimes he can be so mean to me. I feel so weak and my chest hurts. I don’t know if the pain coming from my lungs or my heart.
I really miss Seunghyun. I took my cell phone which I always put in next to my pillow. I know Seunghyun won’t call me, I can’t help it right? At a time like this, I always imagined Seunghyun would come and keep me company. At least, just a simple message asking if I was still alive.
Maybe God answered my prayers. I see there is an unread message.
Seunghyun.
I’m so happy, after three days he didn’t care about me, Seunghyun finally want to reach me.
What are you doing?
I reply to the message immediately.
I was lying in bed. I'm sick. Where are you?
I re-read my message to be sent, to make sure I'm not one to say anything anymore.
I’m meeting a friend.
Seunghyun responded fifteen minutes later, without asking if I was okay. Again. My heart is torn
~ ~
Six months ago.
"I like you, Ji. Will you go out with me? I promise I will always keep your heart. " The dark orbs man said to the younger one. The younger one stunned. They get close in last few months. It all felt like a dream. Jiyong never imagined he would be close to Seunghyun, after the incident six years ago Jiyong didn’t dare to getting his hopes up. Jiyong has a lot of broken hearts. When he got confession from Seunghyun, he doubted whether in the future he will repeat his sad story ever again.
"Ji ...?" Seunghyun looked nervous.
"Yeah ..."
"What? Could you repeat that? "Asked Seunghyun.
"Yes! I like you too Seunghyun. Always, still hasn’t changed from the last time. " At that time, the brown-eyed man answer it with no doubt. At that time, he didn’t care whether he will be hurt by Seunghyun.
When they started dating, everything will looks so beautiful. Lulled by sweet promises, Jiyong didn’t realize that he is falling deeper and deeper. From time to time, Seunghyun started to show its true nature. Jiyong loved him to death, to the marrow of his bones, he didn’t mind at all.
~~
Pounding….
Shaking….
Hurting…
My head’s hurt, my chest is hurt, everything is hurt. Why?
Seunghyun …
“Hyung…”
I heard familiar voice called my name. I know him.
“Jiyong hyung… please open your eyes, wake up…” I opened my eyes slowly, I felt little hand shook my shoulder lightly.
“Hyung?” he sounded relieve, I saw my beautiful baby brother smile at me.
“Taemin? Why are you here? You should be in your dorm. Did Minho coming too?” i asked Taemin as I raised from my bed.
“No. Minho hyung has soccer practice, so I came by myself. Have you been eating?”
“No. I’m not hungry. Don’t worry Tae, I’m all fine.” Not really fine though, but I couldn’t make Taemin worry, he has enough.
“You’re no fine hyung. I know you, you don’t have to pretend to me. If only I got more taller and bigger, I swear I will beat Seunghyun hyung for broke your heart again and again and again and___ ” “Tae… please, I’m fine.” I cut him off, I felt bad for Taemin but when we talked about Seunghyun, that will never ending story.
2.40 A.M
I feel my chest is going to burst. I can’t breathe. I just crying so hard and it makes that even worse. Seunghyun… I miss you. I hope you were here. I need you. I love you and it hurts really bad.
My dear Seunghyun, my beloved Iris… Will you cry if I die?
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