.

            They should be somewhere around here. Somewhere inside her room, in forgotten place where the abandoned placed. She was certain, they were still here.

            Su Ji had only seen each of them once. Only once, and that was why she was sure that she didn’t throw them yet. (they were too trivial to be thrown away)

            But to think about it, she also didn’t look for them when they were beyond trivial, when they became so essential for her. They were still abandoned then when Su Ji found out that it was their—Su Ji and Myungsoo—crack.

            To be frank, she was both afraid and ashamed of them. Funny how love letters could be a stigma.

            And Su Ji must have reached her limit for her to be brave (or coward) enough to look for the letters which had the same meaning as death for her.

…

            It took three hours and thirty two minutes for her to finally gather the entire letter she used to get from that particular sender that she never noticed.

            Twenty eight letters in total.

            Twenty eight and not even one got noticed,

            In the past, Su Ji must have felt proud of it. But now, Su Ji arranged the letters, starting from the first until the last and after almost two years had past,

            Su Ji read the letters and this time, she noticed.

…

            Dear Su Ji, in this world, you are the only one who still cares.

 

            Dear Su Ji, I believe you could understand me.

 

            Dear Su Ji, please, I need to talk to you. You are the only one who can save me.

            Dear Su Ji, I’m tired. I’m lonely and sad. They couldn’t understand what I mean by that. But I believe you understand, right? Su Ji, you are my only hope. I am holding on because I want to be in the same world with you.

            …

            Dear Su Ji, I thought you care. I didn’t blame you though, I could never blame you. It’s me. I am not good enough for you.

            Sorry, Su Ji. I am sorry.

            Please, reply this letter. Even only for once, I want to talk with you.

 

            Dear Su Ji, I love you.

            By the time she finished reading the last letter, Su Ji could already remembered the sender’s handwriting. Not once or twice, she read it over and over again, each of them. Desperately she read those begs with shivering lips and chocked breathe from streaming tears. Sometimes, while reading she would scream in pain while hitting her suffocated chest.

            Cry, cry, and cry, her tears didn’t really wipe anything. Both her pain and sin were still there with her. She wasn’t alone after all.

            Su Ji needed a closure.

            And Su Ji knew exactly how to find her closure. She knew it all along. She knew it since the first time she found their cracks. But the thing was, Su Ji didn’t know what kind of closure she would get. That was why she never tried for her closure. But this time,

            Su Ji needed a closure.

…

            Su Ji’s way to closure started with a piece of paper and a pen. After she steadied her shaking hands, she began to write her closure.

            Dear Kim,

            Thank you. Thank you for loving me. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I didn’t believe in you while you always believed in me.

            I wish I could treat you right that time. I wish I could treat you better. I wish we could talk. I wish you were still here.

            I am sorry you lost your life because of me. I am sorry I didn’t do anything to save you. I am sorry, Kim. I am really am sorry.

            Now I’m sill living my life, Kim. I am still hoping for forgiveness. And with that solely, I am living my life. But I get weary, I am really tired. It’s killing me. It really hurts.

            I regret it. More than anything, I regret it.

            Kim, I understand if you couldn’t forgive me. But Kim, please, let me go.

            I am sorry.

…

            As Su Ji waited for the letter to be replied (if possible), Su Ji dwelled about one night a few months ago, one particular moment she usually (often) saw in her nightmare. The avalanche caused by the cracks.

            “What is this, Myungsoo?” Su Ji asked to the boy beside her, eyes still locked on the screen. Some of the guests were already staring at them. “I think they made a mistake. They mistook other’s piece and show it as yours.” Su Ji concluded.

            “No. They are right. This piece is mine. This is what I submit for this event.” Myungsoo said, referring to the splendid pictures, obviously taken by Myungsoo. He had prepared some picture for today’s prestigious events, they—Myungsoo and Su Ji—had prepared for this event from such a long time; both knew how important this event was. Everything was just as expected; the quality of Myungsoo’s picture was as expected, breathtaking.

            Masterpiece.

            Everything was as perfect as usual, except this time,

            It was not Su Ji on the screen.

            “But that’s not...”

            “That’s Jiyeon,” Myungsoo cut out, lightly. “She is from the art department. She is quiet famous, you must have know her, right?”

            Su Ji knew her. Su Ji knew exactly who she was and she didn’t give a single damn to it. That wasn’t what she talking about. She was asking the same thing the hundreds of people in the ballroom asked inwardly as they gave her a judging stare.

            She was asking, why she—Su Ji—wasn’t there. There, on the screen, on Myungsoo’s photo.

            “Why?” Su Ji chocked out, almost in whisper.

            “You know how prestigious this event is, Su Ji,” Myungsoo said as he cupped her embarrassed face. He looked at her with the same sincere eyes he always gave her. He smiled, like he was reassuring her.

            “I don’t get it, Myungsoo. Then why it wasn’t my picture there?” Su Ji said while holding back her tears. The crowd’s whisper began to fill the room and she knew all stare was on her right now.

            There again, Myungsoo’s sweet smile. A sweet, sweet smile. And as if  he was telling her that he love her, he said to her, not in whisper, loud enough for her not to miss it, loud enough for the crowd to hear it,

            “Because Su Ji, you are not beautiful enough. You are disgusting.”

…

            It took a week for Su Ji to reach the front of Myungsoo’s apartment door. She had cursed him before by text, never with calls (couldn’t bring herself to throw anything harsh to Myungsoo). She didn’t go to class; she didn’t even leave her apartment, didn’t meet with anyone, and didn’t talk with anyone, only with herself and sometimes his silhouette—Myungsoo’s.

            She cursed with profanity, pained, yet still, (unfortunately) loved.

            So here she was, with the mind of being the victim yet stood in front of the door of the villain. Where is your hero, Su Ji? Don’t you have enough witness? Why are you looking for more abuse?

            Su Ji was such a hypocrite victim, she cried after being wronged yet still looked for more pierce.

            Three time bells were all it took for the door to be opened. There she found love. Only found thought, not had.

            There, Su Ji began to play her role—hypocrite victim. She volunteered yet started to cry, she acted like she was forced to be there. She cried and cried, cried like she always did after that night.

            “Why… Why are you doing this to me, Myungsoo?” Su Ji sobbed, head down, tears streamed. “What did I do wrong? Why suddenly..,” she asked, kept asking, different sentences, same meaning.

            Myungsoo pulled Su Ji into a warm embrace, burying her damp face in his chest, calmly he tapped her shivering back, with his sweet voice, he hushed her.

“Su Ji, do you still love me?” Myungsoo began, whispering beside her ears while she was still in his arms.

            “I love you, I really do, Myungsoo?” Su Ji cried.

            “But.., I hurt you, Su Ji.”

            “I know… I know…”

            “Are you hurt right now?”

            “Yes, but I still love you, Myungsoo. It’s painful but I still love you.” Ah, Su Ji was in love. She became one of the lovestruck stargazers. She became one of the people she used to mock.

            Su Ji tightened her embrace on Myungsoo, pulling him closer in hope they were as close as the inexistence gap.

            “Then that’s good, Su Ji.” Myungsoo said as he gave her a huge happy grin. “That’s what you make my brother felt.”

            Su Ji, feeling numb, loosened her grip on Myungsoo as she took a step behind. She looked at Myungsoo while her hands still clutching on his now damped shirt. And she shivered, more than she had ever been, more than the night when she was humiliated and crashed, as Myungsoo once again cupped her fragile frame and brought it to face his joyful (almost laughing) face.

            “This is what you did to my brother year ago.”

            And Su Ji could stare blankly in horror, between fear and confusion, trying to gather the pieces into complete puzzle, trying to get out from the maze she was lost in. I… I.., Su Ji could only whispered. Those eyes, those eyes which usually filled with love for her now judging her lethally. Huge sweet grin. The kind of smile he always used to play with her, now mocking her.

            He chuckled, laughed even, they used to laugh with those laugh together, now, now it was laughing at her.

            Scary. This was terrifying. Love of life wouldn’t hate me to this extent. No. Myungsoo is just mad. He is not in his right mind at the moment. He will back to the sweet gentle Myungsoo. The playful Myungsoo that would do anything to make Su Ji smiles. You just need to give him some times. Yeah, give him some time now. He is still your love, Su ji. He still loves you as much as you do. And of course you still love him even more than yesterday. Su Ji narrated inwardly. Not even one word from her mind slipped from .

            Based on her inwardly though, she took a step back, thinking she only needed to give Myungsoo some time to straight up his mind. Oh no Su Ji, it was you. It was you who should straight up your mind.

            Before Su Ji could even take another step, Myungsoo tightened his grip on her face. This time cupping it firmly, and the only movement she could make was by shivering. Tears ceased to roll silently as Myungsoo grin grew wider each time she dropped a tear.

            “I don’t.. get it..,” Su Ji finally voiced with hoarse voice, as crooked as her beauty that night. She knew actually, she wasn’t sure, but she knew what Myungsoo meant. But she needed to ask in hope Myungsoo would say something that would make her prediction turned out wrong. But Su Ji realized she had make a mistake by asking it after she saw the joyful grin on Myungsoo perished and his face became colder than she had ever imagine.

            And as thousand needles of ice pierced her back and forth, Myungsoo (unfortunately) assured that he was really talking about that particular sender.

            “Remember our conversation about your letter, Su Ji?”

…

            “Do you often get this kind of love letters, Su Ji?” Myungsoo asked while taking one of the letters from her. Su Ji nodded.

            “All this letters are nonsense, you know. They are only a lovestruck stargazer. They act like they love me while in fact, they don’t. Such a simple minded creature.”

            “Are you sure all of them are like that?” Myungsoo raised an eyebrow to Su Ji.

            “Positive. You know, once there this anonymous who sent letter regularly. I didn’t really remembered thought, but I believe he was just talking nonsense like others. He stopped writing me a letter after a while, I remembered I have this huge grin of victory because once again, I am right.

            They are no different. Only a lovestruck stargazer. And more over, a simple minded one.”

…

            Su Ji snapped back. She remembered. Clearly, surely. She even remembered every little word she said which now she hoped she never said.

            “You remember, right?”

            And she could only approve in silence. And as if he wanted to shout her crime for the world to hear, he added,

              “It was my brother who sent you those regular love letters.”

              Ah, Su Ji, you violated the wrong person.

…

            “Sunggyu was in mental pressure.

              He failed once, just once, and the whole world permanently stamped him as a failure. The whole world was mocking him, Su Ji. He used to be so strong, he was my refuge. But I saw him cracked, then fell down, then perished.

            But before he perished, I saw him standing once again. He stood like he never brought down before, like no one had ever stepped him to the ground. He tried to survive just because there was this one particular girl and he thought that if there was still such a beauty in this world that means he should stay a little bit longer.

            He believed in that one particular beauty.

            He believed that if there is such beauty, life is still worth living.

            But then the world started to violate him even more. He had his own limit, I understood. But he said, he could keep going because he still believed in that girl. So he tried, he tried and he tried.

            And until he reached his limit, the girl he believed in never turn her ing conceited face to him.

            He was hanging, just by breathing he could fall, but he kept holding on, believing that the girl on her way to save him. Just by glancing, that girl could save his life.

            But the ing girl he believe in, the conceited being named, Su Ji, let him perished in misery.”

…

            Twenty eight days latter, as Su Ji kept living her life with façade of hope, waiting her letter to be replied so she would find her closure and there she would finally be happy and allowed to breathe again (with Myungsoo, if that was not too much to ask), Su Ji got her reply.

            The envelope was sweet pink (still detail as he always) and Su Ji recognized whose handwriting it was. No, she recognize her regular sender’s handwriting now and this one was obviously wasn’t his.

            Softly (with love) Su Ji opened the enveloped, and still with love, Su Ji began to read her closure.

            Dear Su Ji,

            Both of us know more than anyone, we want Sunggyu to be the one who would reply this letter. But of course, both of us also know more than anyone, that even if he wants to (of course he wants to) he couldn’t reply this letter. So, on behalf of Sunggyu, without reducing any love, both from him or from me, let me, Myungsoo, reply this letter from you.

            First of all, thank you, Su Ji. Thank you for replying his letters. That’s the only thing he wished for when he was still in this world. I bet, he’ll throw a party if he finds out that you are actually writes a letter from him. Ah, if only he could wait a little bit longer.

            But that’s okay, Su Ji, because what’s matter is that you noticed him now. And Su Ji, as his brother, I believe, it was enough for him.

            Sunggyu is gone right now. And I believe he is happy right now. So I don’t think there’s anything to say anymore.

            So now, it will be Myungsoo talking.

            I am sorry, Su Ji.

            I must have shocked you, right? Am I being too mean? Do I hurt you too much?

            I am sorry, Su Ji.

            I was angry then. I was heartbroken and all I thought was how to revenge him. I love him too much, Su Ji. He is my only brother. He means so much for me. But then I realize love won’t hurt anyone.

            But I hurt you.

            What I did was wrong and you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. It’s all my fault. I am the bad one. I should be the one who is asking for forgiveness. But I won’t ask for it Su Ji, because I know you’ll forgive me. And that will feel like I am using your kindness and love for my own sake. I don’t want that.

            Su Ji, what I want, is for you to be happy.

            Yeah Su Ji. Please, be happy, that’s what we both want for you. You’ll live your live, start everything all over again and you’ll succeed.

Because Su Ji, please know that we forgive you. We let you go from your burden. So now, please be happy. And please know that forever, Sunggyu and I will always love you.

From Kim Sunggyu and Kim Myungsoo

P.S.

           Ah, Su Ji, I could imagine your expression as you read this letter. Epic, beautifully epic. You must be crying right now, right? Breathing becomes easier right? Oh, dear Su Ji you are happy right now, aren’t you? You must be really, really happy. Are you thinking on coming to my place after you finish reading this letter? Of course, you are. And while you are on your way, you’ll be thinking that I’ll open the door and welcome you with my loving embrace, showering you with kisses and wipe your tears away, right?

           Ah, sweet love, sweet Su Ji. Beautiful Su Ji, loveable Su Ji.

           You said now you only live with hope of being forgiven right? I know you only live because you believe that I’ll come back.

           I know it, Su Ji. Sunggyu was once like you, remember?

           So now let me tell you a secret, unlike you, I reply your letter because I don’t want you to be dead, just like Sunggyu, just like Sunggyu who committed suicide just because you didn’t reply his nonsense letters.

           But Su Ji, everything is a lie.

           This is my way to revenge him. To make you become the lovestruck stargazer you usually mocked. To make you feel love and crush your hope. I just did what you did to him.

           And of course, I won’t forgive you. I won’t come to you. And of course, I don’t love. I didn’t, and I wouldn’t.

           But I do hope you’ll stay alive Su Ji. I don’t want you to be dead. Dying is easy, as easy as tricking you. I want you to live. That’s hard. It’s as hard as pretending to love you. And moreover, I want you to live in misery.

How to read my letter: except p.s. everything is a lie.

 

---

Fin.

           Hm.. so.. it's completed.

           Thank you (sorry) for all readers.

           Do leave a comment or even a review.

           (i do love myungsoo and su ji. don't judge their characters based on this solely work of fiction)