She was still functioning. Still beautiful as how he had always described her. There were cracks, here and there, but it was alright. Her black strings, black two marbles, crimson folds, and white silk were enough to make others envied her which she used to hide the cracks. Splendid, that’s how you do it; she would praise herself every time she looked at herself. You need to stay beautiful; she reminded herself, she had lost the count, but the meaning was still as strong as the first time.

            Yeah, you need to stay beautiful for him. Be on the top of the world, so he can find you anytime when he turns back.

            Su Ji was still functioning because there was still hope.

…

            Dear Su Ji,

            You may not know me. But I would like to know you more. I hope you’ll let me.

            Su Ji folded back the letter as she finished reading it, only once, and that was all it took for the letter to get abandoned, somewhere inside her room—she didn’t really remember. (she didn’t care)

            Dear Su Ji,

            I know that there’s no enough reason for you to reply my letter. So first, I would like to tell you why I started writing to you.

            Su Ji, I adore you in every beautiful way possible.

            Beautiful didn’t really flattered Su Ji anymore, or at least, not after she found it in 3 letters before this one. So that was how, the letter became another abandoned letter somewhere inside her room.

            Dear Su Ji,

            I’m sorry for my last letter. I realize that it was not appropriate for me to say such thing, and maybe I scare you by saying it. I don’t want to make you scared.

            I want you to always be the beautiful Su Ji, just like how I first saw you.

            You abandoned your heels to save a child back then, and even you got dumped by mud, you kept going. You cared Su Ji.

            And believe me, you were beautiful there.

            Su Ji took longer this time, trying to remember the one particular event the writer had brought back. She remembered, vaguely though, it happened a long time ago she supposed. She didn’t think she was beautiful back then, but she didn’t really mind even to be seen as ugly—as long as she was not ugly. 3 minutes was all it took for her to reminisce, and even without reading it twice for the sake of reminiscing, the letter became one of the forgotten.

            Dear Su Ji,

            I thought you care. I didn’t blame you though, I could never blame you. It’s me. I am not good enough for you.

            Sorry, Su Ji. I am sorry.

            Please, reply this letter. Even only for once, I want to talk with you.

            Dear Su Ji,

            I love you.

            She got letters, now and then, from guy to guy. Some guy would only try once, some would reach five, and maybe more, at random time. But Su Ji began to notice this one particular sender, who would send her a regular short letter. The amount of letters that person sent had reached more than ten she supposed—she never really counted.

            But Su Ji knew, in the end the letter would stop coming, they would grow tired or they would find another beautiful maiden which would be easier to approach.

            I love you he said. Su Ji didn’t believe him. It didn’t even flattered her, it didn’t even make her heart skip a beat (don’t expect it would beat faster). Dozens of man had said it before, and this one was no different.

            They did not love her. Maybe they liked her, maybe they fancied her, or maybe they were obsessed at her. They struck by her maybe in anything but love.

            Su Ji never fell in love. She had liked, fancied, never obsessed though. But she knew, what they used to cherish her was not love.

            Su Ji fold the letter after reading it once (no need for more, it only consisted six letters), then looked at the folded paper, blankly she stared,

            I love you she hummed, like she was reading for the second time, but no, she only repeated those familiar words, she sighed then,

            “Nonsense.”

            That was his last letter. Su Ji smiled in victory, she knew, she was right, they would give up in the end. They did not love her.

…

            A few days letter—around a week, maybe, she didn’t really remembered (the day she got the last letter) Su Ji met Kim Myungsoo. Myungsoo was her senior, different major, same university. The photography student asked Su Ji to be his model. It was a simple request,

            “Hi, sorry to disturb you. I am Kim Myungsoo from the photography department. I am working on a project right now and I need a model. I thought you are beautiful.”

            That was what he said, more or less. Beautiful once again was being said. That word wouldn’t do, she would usually mock inwardly. Those cajoles were nothing but repeatable words which had lost its meaning. Su Ji didn’t even remembered when the last time she flattered by those words. So Su Ji (almost) didn’t realize that this time, she was flattered by those words.

            (from one complete stranger)

            Kim Myungsoo was attractive. Su Ji would have guessed him as a model instead of a photographer. She would have mocked him inwardly, that Canon was nothing but an attribute, a way to make those girls screams for him.

            And actually, she wanted to mock his way of talking to her. She would call it cheap. He was cheap. But no, Su Ji—who was in love with fashion—knew those branded clothes he wore. And no, he wasn’t that cheap.

            He was attractive, but Su Ji would only care less. Su Ji didn’t care with the fact that the whole university adored him the same way they adored her.

            But Su Ji realized that she was attracted to Myungsoo in every unplanned detail. The sudden effect he gave her was both lethal and graceful. And that was how she was attracted, how she glanced at him which leaded her to lay her eyes on him. And so after long time, she cared.

            She agreed to be his model.

…

            Myungsoo made an album for Su Ji. It was made for her made from her. There was too many Su Ji and maybe that was how they forgot to add love there. No, no, Su Ji was love. They didn’t forget to add it, some may not notice, but there, for them (for Su Ji) love could be seen clearly. They put it in the form of Su Ji.

            The album was placed on the most visible spot in Su Ji’s room so Su Ji could reminisced without even opening the album.

            Today was different; Su Ji knew day after day she got weary, dragging empty shell to survive each day, everyday it became heavier. Like colar, the wave that hit her wouldn’t make her stronger either she would get used to it. It would just craving for her insanity until she volunteered to perish. Time didn’t save either it heal anything. It didn’t do any good for it just brought Su Ji further from happiness. (the past)

            In day like this, when loneliness remembered to have a visit, tears would welcome them and shouts could be heard, Su Ji would feel honor to leave some lethal marks on her enviable body. But Su Ji wouldn’t do it though; Myungsoo wouldn’t like to see his beautiful girl covered in rotten scars. Remember, you need to stay beautiful.

            So in day like this, Su Ji would choose to crawl weakly after having three cups of strong coffee (to bring the effect of making her heart beat faster, only Myungsoo and overdosed coffee could do that) to the near spot from her bed where their album was placed. As Su Ji took the album, she could see clearly how the album had sweet pink cover, it reminded her that it was her favorite color. Ah, sweet Myungsoo, he didn’t even miss that slight detail to flatter her.

           Su Ji opened the album with racing heartbeats—coffe effect—and smile formed as she saw love there—the picture of herself. It was their first photo shoot; Su Ji remembered it as the first time she tried to look beautiful for a guy—half stranger.

           It also reminded her that it was the last day they became a stranger for each other.

            As fastidious as Su Ji was, Myungsoo more not less, could satisfy Su Ji with every words and action he both showed and didn’t. Intelligence, that was rare. Su Ji liked rare things. And that was how Su Ji let Myungsoo to slowly mark her as his.

            Su Ji continued to flip the page, feeling prideful and even maybe, conceited. How could she not? The whole world was on her hands right now, printed and unchanged. This was her proof, to those who told her that she was waiting for snow to fall on the Sahara. These printed memories were her foundation to wait for him.

            Every picture had it own story. There, the picture was taken after Myungsoo told her his memory. There, the picture was taken before Su Ji told Myungsoo her secret. There, they were talking about the future when they took this one. Ah, she noticed her own silly expression, the silly expression Myungsoo used to call as beautiful, this one was taken on their first date.

            To the hill, she remembered. What a cold date.

            Su Ji remembered he asked Myungsoo then to take her to the beach for their next dates. Of course there were next dates, but they never made it to the beach.

            She stopped there, taking a moment of musing. So this was how he looked at her. This was what he saw through those breathtaking eyes of his. Such a beautiful piece he had made her became.

            That was the difference between Myungsoo and other lovestruck stargazers. They thought Su Ji was beautiful, but only Myungsoo could make Su Ji as beautiful.

            Stop with the muse, it was the time to flip again. Let see, ah, of course, Su Ji and roses. Both were two very conceited being. There was not a bucket that time either Myungsoo gave it as a gift when he picked her up for their regular dinner. Ah, those regular dinners, they could have tried almost all restaurants if they still had it until now.

            Actually, she couldn’t really said it as roses, for there only petals there, surpassing thousand, millions maybe. All were red, redder than her lips. Myungsoo, literally gave those petals by throwing them at her. Like he wanted to burry her with those pieces of rose. Like he wanted Su Ji to be buried by those love colored petals.

            The pictures came out good though, beyond good to be exact. Myungsoo didn’t know how to make a good picture, he could only make beyond it. Su Ji was lying on millions petals Myungsoo gave to her with planned pose, that was what the picture showed.

            But only they—Myungsoo and Su Ji—knew that after the picture was taken, Myungsoo casted aside his camera, climbed his way next to Su Ji and lay there as they shared their first kiss on the bloody petals.            

…

            Ah, heartbeat fast, no, this time, it was not because of the caffeine she realized. Anxious, she began to feel, maybe she should stop. She knew she couldn’t take this, which was why usually she would only stare at the album. She took it too far by opening it until now. Should she stop now? No. She must practice it. So when the time for her to feel the happiness she once felt when the pictures were taken came back, she wouldn’t miss it.

            Okay, this would be the last and you could stop hurting yourself with happiness, Su Ji. She reassured herself. And so, she flipped another page, heavy.

            Oh, this one.

            There she was, Su Ji, messy hair, sleepy face, had just woken up. Not on her own bed, though. That wasn’t her clothes either. The black shirt was too big to be hers. Just like she was there now, Su Ji could faintly smell one particular fragrance. The fragrance she smelt when she woke up that day in the picture, the fragrance that embraced her through the clothes.

            Myungsoo’s.

            Ah! She remembered why she forgot that pink was her favorite color before she saw the album’s cover. She looked at herself now, didn’t need for a mirror; she only stared on her body. Black, black, black. That was the only color for her clothes she had now. Myungsoo’s favorite.

            Back to the picture, she knew Myungsoo took this one right after she woke up. There were also some pictures when she was still asleep. The weather was so cold after the rain last night; such perfect weather to steal more time to sleep, Myungsoo was so lame to wake up already.

            He got back to bed after that though. While reminiscing, Su Ji suddenly felt the warmth from the embrace at that time—almost ancient. Myungsoo was there, at the empty spot right next to Su Ji beside his own bed. He said good morning, and then kissed her a good morning kiss, right on her cold forehead. Su Ji said it’s cold, so he pulled her into his arms. He smiled then with his crooked smile, slightly chuckled, as playful as he always been.

            Soon both drove to sleep.

            How did she actually end up there anyway?

            Oh yeah, the rain.

…

             “I don’t think the rain would stop tonight. I left my car at my parent’s house. Do you want me to take you home by cab or you can just stay here for tonight?” Myungsoo offered. “You know which one I preferred,” he added with chuckle.

             In the end, Su Ji preferred what Myungsoo preferred.

             They had an ordered dinner from the restaurant on the first floor of Myungsoo’s apartment. The movie Five Sense of Eros was being played right after they finished their late dinner, so both took their time to watch.

             Too gauche, there was some uncomfortable moments then. More or less, both still lying side to side on Myungsoo’s bed. 

            “Wrong movie?” Myungsoo started, breaking the tension that wasn’t there anymore.

            “Not for me. How about you then?” Su Ji answered, monotonously.

            “Struggling, but cool.” Myungsoo answered lightly. Then silence. Myungsoo soon sneaked an arm around her and let Su Ji felt his warmth on her back.

            Comfortable.

            “Hey, Myungsoo,” Su Ji called.

            “Yeah?”

            “Still cool?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Can I ask you something?”

            “Please do.”

            “What’s the difference between love and ?”

            Pause.

            Then he answered,

            “ won’t make you kill yourself.”

…

            Later that night, when both were second away of falling asleep, Myungsoo whispered Su Ji a question,

            “Do you love me, Su Ji?”

            “I love you,” Su Ji answered and she could feel Myungsoo was forming a smile then.

…

             Love, love, love. Love was perfect; there should be no crack there. And that was what Su Ji failed to find between those pictures of her. There were no cracks, not even a slight damage. Everything was as perfect as love, as Su Ji, as Myungsoo, as them.

            Where was the crack? Where did it go wrong?

            Ah wait.

            She remembered.

            No, she shouldn’t have remembered. All this time she tried her best not to remember about it. She refused to be in that memory. She shouldn’t have return this far. Su Ji should have live her life as perfect as she used to, waiting for Myungsoo with hope. But no, this time, she crossed the line, she lost her way forward, she returned back.

            Su Ji remembered where they went wrong, and for the first time, she thought it was the time to face the cracks.

…

At first, this supposed to be a one shot. But I guess, I took it too far. Failed me.

There will be next chapter.

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