A smile was quickly spreading on the cherry plump lips of the main dancer of Super Junior. He was happy, extremely happy. Tomorrow was their one year anniversary. One year already. How time flies. He took a step back and watched what was in front of him, his smile growing in size. Wow. This was amazing, especially for him. But before he could gloat to himself, he looked at his right wrist for his watch and frowned. He didn’t have much time, he had to get out of here before his lover arrives and sees the surprise with him in the middle. That wasn’t the effect Hyukjae wanted. He wanted something romantic that his lover could appreciate on his own, for his own leisure. He smiled his best smile, before exiting the place and noticing a figure slowly walking the stairs of his boyfriend’s apartment. Apartment Kyuhyun had alone because he was one to need space from the gang at strange intervals, plus he was always noisy at night when playing his games, so he usually played at that apartment before going home. And when people at the dorm were sick of Kyuhyuk, they sent them at the apartment so they could relieve their poor baby eyes. Because Hyukjae wanted this to be an all time surprise, he hid in a corner and waited for his lover to finish walking up the stairs… Only it wasn’t his lover, it was a friend of Hyukjae and Kyuhyun: Daniel. Hyukjae smiled big but then he noticed something strange, Daniel wasn’t going up the stairs alone and actually… The figure that followed the one of Daniel was pretty explicit with his intentions… He was kissing Daniel’s neck and his hands were dancing on the slim waist of the one with the keys. Keys? Since when did Daniel have the keys to Kyuhyun’s apartment? And why would Daniel go up the stairs with his lover when the only apartment available at this floor was Kyuhyun… And then Daniel turned around and made the other growl out something, which made in return Hyukjae freeze in place, hidden from view. Kyuhyun and Daniel? Letting himself fall on the floor without much grace, Hyukjae continued to stare at his lover kissing someone else… And not only someone else, but a friend of Hyukjae. Hyukjae cursed silently and felt his eyes tear up. Okay, so this is what a broken heart feels like? When the door was about to be closed by the weight of Kyuhyun’s back against it, Hyukjae walked slowly down the stairs never noticing that Daniel noticed him and frozed in shock. What was Hyukjae doing there? He was surely asking himself. He stopped the kissing, stopped everything and took steps back from the body that he was kissing moments ago. What was happening? And then Daniel regretted the moment he met Kyuhyun. He turned around as Kyuhyun gasped. Around them were animals, flowers and pretty much anything cute made of folded paper: origami was everywhere. Sticky notes on the floor as if the yellow brick road brought Kyuhyun and Daniel, who were following the yellow paper road, towards the fridge. Kyuhyun opened it and swore loudly. He had forgot. Of course he had forgot, he almost forgot the existence of his lover. How pathetic. How could he forget that tomorrow was their first year anniversary together? How could he? And then, it wasn’t new for Kyuhyun to be with Daniel, only Daniel didn’t know that Kyuhyun was dating Daniel’s friend, Hyukjae. 
 
“What’s going on? You never told me your lover was Hyukjae!” Growled out the man who felt his heart break in front of all the decoration. 
“ you Tablo, you knew I had a lover, you just didn’t care who it was at the time.” The man huffed out, swearing some more and some more, again and again without really stopping. He didn’t intend to stop until he heard Daniel’s voice again, which silenced him when he understood what he meant. 
“You do remember he’s in the same group as you, right? I mean, you screwed up pretty badly. You won’t be able to return to them… God, you’re such an idiot. I can’t believe you. I can’t even believe myself. Why the did I do that?” 
“If you don’t tell, he won’t know, right? You won’t tell him, uh Tablo? Won’t even think of it, right?” Said the man in a forceful voice and at that moment Tablo felt pity for him… 
“He already does, I believe. I saw him walking down the stairs as we were closing the door.” The man grimaced, feeling badly for his actions. If only he had known that Hyukjae was the lover… If only. 
“What? I mean – .” And the man let himself slowly fall on the ground under such news. What was he going to do now? What was he thinking? He never thought Hyukjae would learn what he was doing under his nose for a while. He never thought it would come slapping him in the face, at this time of year. 
He was screwed and it wouldn’t be pleasant.  
 
Later that night, when he gathered the courage to call one of his hyungs, he noticed something very strange… Everything was normal, everything was calm, the soothing voice of Donghae –the only one to respond his call- told him that he should be scared. Not for himself but for Hyukjae. Donghae wasn’t known for being calm, he was actually known for blowing up quickly when anything happened to Hyukjae, so this was surprising. He had had in mind to stay at his apartment, but decided against it, ending the call quickly. Something was up. He was quick to arrive at the dorm and soon saw everything was as it used to be. As if he just didn’t break the boy’s heart… Maybe Tablo had seen wrong? Maybe it wasn’t who he thought it was?! Maybe Kyuhyun was just a little bit luckier. That’s until he went up to the room he shared with Hyukjae and saw that the door was closed and sniffles, soft hardly there sniffles, was heard. Why would Hyukjae be crying if everything was okay? He was about to enter when someone caught his wrist and shook their head no. Okay something was definitely up. Siwon pulled his wrist down the stairs and when they were far enough, Siwon explained himself. 
 
“He hasn’t been up to talking, no even to Donghae, I think something happened and he won’t tell a soul. You know how he is. He’ll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine.” Everything will be fine until it’s not, Kyuhyun guessed. Everything will be fine until they learn what Kyuhyun did. Everything will not be fine. 
 
And the next morning, everything was back to normal. Hyukjae was smiling, laughing with Donghae who was cuddling with him on the kitchen chairs, which seemed uncomfortable for anyone looking. Donghae had his best friend almost all on him, only a leg was left dangling on his true chair. Everyone was smiling, until Donghae asked what the matter was with Hyukjae the day before. And Hyukjae, the usual silly Hyukjae just laughed and said he was tired and that he had been screamed at by the choreographer one to many times. And everyone just accepted it as it was, because he had no reasons to lie and it was actually a plausible explanation for his sniffles. Only Kyuhyun knew it wasn’t true, because he knew Hyukjae wasn’t at a dance practice but at his house preparing a surprise… So he had seen and had decided to talk not about it to anyone, not even the person that caused him so much pain. 
 
If Hyukjae was a bit clingier to anyone but Kyuhyun, nobody said a thing. If he actually was a bit off when talking about Kyuhyun, nobody said a thing either. They just didn’t notice and did anything as they were told, happy that their sweet Hyukjae was happy again. Not noticing that his happiness was made up, or maybe they did but did what people did best in those circumstances: make belief. 
Kyuhyun was stupid on most occasions with love, everybody knew that. His first real relationship, his first kiss, his real relationship starter was with Hyukjae, so people forgave him many things, just because he was a newbie at these things, but he was also intelligent enough emotionally not to go talk with Hyukjae, never to talk with him on his own, not to try and maintain a conversation that died the day Hyukjae saw him kissing someone else. So let’s say he wasn’t surprised when he learned days later why Hyukjae wasn’t at the dorm anymore, he was hurt but he didn’t think he deserved to feel this hurt. Or maybe he did, maybe this was Hyukjae’s way of taking revenge, yet Kyuhyun knew that was stupid… Hyukjae didn’t do revenge, never intentionally anyways. It still hurts to know that your lover didn’t want to talk with you, didn’t want to be seen in the same place as you, didn’t want to look at you. Yet he did answer Kyuhyun’s call when he did have the courage to take the phone and compose that little distinctive music for Hyukjae’s number alone. 
 
Dring… Dring... 
And he answered. Not saying a word, he must have looked who was calling. 
 
“How are you feeling?” Said Kyuhyun, regret flowing in his voice. 
“Positively great. I think I can breathe from this distance.” A broken voice was his answer. 
“Breathe? Did I do something wrong?” 
“You did, but you already know that. Why are you calling me?” Broken yet cold. 
“To know if... If we’re still together? I just, I can’t stop thinking about you and-“ 
“And you should have thought about that before cheating on me so many times. I thought it was once but I talked with Tablo… He felt so bad he came begging for me to forgive him. Funny. I don’t really feel like forgiving him nor you. And together? You got to be ting me. We weren’t together the moment you cheated on me, the moment you thought of cheating on me, we weren’t a couple anymore. I just learned that a little late, didn’t I… Wasn’t that five months past?” Broken, cold yet assertive; he knew what he was doing, even if it was against what his heart was telling him, begging him… Begging him to forgive his lover. Ah, not a chance, not now anyways. Not going to happen when his lover was cheating on him almost half the time they were together. 
“If it can help, I’m sorry. I’m sincerely sorry.” 
“It doesn’t and anyways you’re just sorry you got caught.” Not so cold, just exhausted. And he hung up, not letting Kyuhyun the chance to ask why Hyukjae left him, why he left the members… Why he didn’t tell everyone around what happened… Why anything, really. Why did Hyukjae love him? Or was it loved. And after such thoughts, he hung up, sighing to himself.  
 
Hyukjae had run away. Okay, people knew it before he actually did it. Okay, his ex-boyfriend learned about it days later. Okay it wasn’t really running away, because he lived a couple blocks from their dorm –unknown to them, but it was still far enough that Hyukjae didn’t feel the constant pressure of breathing normally when everyone is staring and break down when nobody is there. Hyukjae was tired, very tired and people saw that. His manager the first and he even proposed for Hyukjae to take some time off before he got caught up into a depression; which he gladly accepted. 
 
In those days separated from them all, giving them only a phone call or two each a day – which you may know takes a lot of time, they are a lot after all – he started to breathe properly. In and out, in and out. Everything was going as it should and because he was in such a state of despair at the beginning of his hiatus, his composition was greatly influenced by it. He wrote song after song, lyrics after lyrics and words after words. Everything seemed to flow. And as he was getting control over his heart, his head cleared and his rap became clearer, more precise. He was smiling again, he was giggling again and when on the phone with Donghae, he saw the light at the end of the tunnel. 
It took him three months of side projects before he came back to the house. He was smiling and rested. He could finally breathe again, without fearing of not being able to take a deep breath in without the help of his lover, his ex-lover. He loved him still, of course he did. Things just don’t evaporate like that, not even after three months in broken pain and broken happiness. Pain was to be expected, but happiness was a surprise for the young Hyukjae. His side projects were starting to become really fun and things were starting to pick up from then on. 
 
Only because of that happiness he was living, he did not expect the sudden crash he was going towards. Didn’t see it coming, which made him think how things are so unpredictable; so much like what surrounds us, the gases and their interactions with each other, with us.  
 
As he entered the dorm, everything was calm. Way too calm, but Hyukjae didn’t take notice. He was too happy to be back to notice, that’s until everyone screamed out: “Happy comeback!” which made him cry like a baby. He was crying and sniffling and just being happy… Until he saw his ex-lover smiling softly, and then he knew: he could never breathe normally in his presence, never will and most definitely never could, anyways. He was frozen into place, looking at his ex who was smiling at him with his heartbreaker smile, that smile he only showed when with people he loved and instead of just smiling back, Hyukjae took a step back and another one, ready to take a run for it. And when he had turned his body away, his body was caught between strong arms; arms stronger than his whole body force.  
 
“Please don’t leave me alone again. Please stay.” Said the voice holding him. He broke down, letting his body rest against the body holding him up. 
“I can’t breathe when you’re around. I couldn’t from the moment I saw you with him and now… I thought I had it under control, that I could look at you in the eyes and not fall all over again. I thought I was safe. I thought I could survive without you, you bastard.” And as quickly as he could, he turned around in those arms and started to hit Kyuhyun in the chest, sobbing at the same time. “Why can’t I be the same? Why did you have to break me into so many pieces that I can’t be fixed anymore? Why can’t I repair myself now? You tell me why! Tell me why!” 
“Because who breaks must heal. I broke your heart and it’s my responsibility to repair it again, to glue it all back together. Please let me. Don’t run away again. Please.” And as he was begging the other was already walking backwards, having left the arms of his exe lover in a flash. And walking backwards, and again backwards. Step by step.  
“I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m really sorry.” And he turned around and ran.  
 
You tried to pick me up, once too many. 
After all those hurts you pushed into me. 
I can’t breathe with or without you. 
I can’t see without or with you. 
 
I cry when I see the sun around you, 
Like a halo gone wrong, like hell burning up. 
You think you know me now, you think it’s all good. 
But you broke me, you broke me beyond repair. 
 
You think you will be my salvation. 
My only savior, my scarification. 
When you all breath in and out, 
All I do is fall, and fall and fall. 
 
You caught me within your strong arms, 
begging me to never let you go. 
To late, when you let me go, 
It’s been a while, don’t you remember, eight months ago? 
 
I still can’t breathe when you’re near, 
I still can’t sail even when it’s clear. 
As people breathe in and out. 
All I do is fall and fall and fall.