“Jongsuk!” I heard Hyoyeon’s voice and automatically smiled. She was walking towards me; looking tired but her face lightened up as she came closer. I could see Doojoon not far away, going to the opposite direction after waving to us both.

“Have you been waiting long?” she asked as soon as she arrived in front of me. I simply shook my head and opened the door for her.

“Nah, I just arrived.” I said. “Where do you want to eat?”

“The usual place.” she buckled her seatbelt; her lips slightly pouted. “I want to eat until my stomach burst today. That annoying old lady-” she halted her words while I laughed.

“What did your boss do to you again?” I asked like I usually did almost every single day before. Hyoyeon had always been not in a good term with her boss at the office.

“Just being her usual self.” she shrugged grumpily. “The thing is her usual self is already annoying as hell.”

“Where does she live? I’ll tell her one thing or two about messing with my girlfriend.” I quickly replied, feigning mad. It did the work to create a beautiful smile on her face.

“I would get fired, but thanks anyway.” she chuckled. “And don’t worry, Doojoon always helps me, s0..”

My smile disappeared as soon as it emerged at the mention of Doojoon. Yeah, him again. Why did my best friend always haunt my relationship with Hyoyeon, even after we had been together for over two years? Why would I be uneasy when she was already my girlfriend to begin with?

But I couldn’t help it, could I? When our relationship began that way. When I was just his replacement to heal her broken heart.

***

“Why don’t you go out with me instead?”

Hyoyeon blinked at the question, her gaze met mine in surprise. It was a while in silent until I decided to break it while Hyoyeon continued to be mute.

“I know you like Doojoon.” I quickly added. “I don’t expect you to return my feelings.” I said, not realizing that I just confessed my feeling indirectly. “Let’s just say that we are brokenhearted partners.”

Her eyes widened in confusion so I continued again.

“We are helping each other.” I explained. “Because I just had a broken heart too. So why not helping out each other? When we had gotten over our broken hearts, we are free to go our own way. How about that?”

Hyoyeon examined my face to see the sincerity in it; a frown was on her face. I waited anxiously, afraid that she might laugh at me and told me to just go the hell away and leave her alone. But it didn’t happen.  Instead, she smiled at me, wiping the traces of tears from her face.

“Sure.”

***

Two years past since that weird agreement to be together, and Hyoyeon was still by my side. And I stayed with her; full of anxiety that someday she would realize that she didn’t have to be with me. Afraid that one day she would come to me, declaring that she didn’t need me anymore as she had found someone new. Because who would have thought that Doojoon’s relationship with Gayoon would be so short-lasted? What if she came to admire him again, knowing that he was alone?

How would I cope with that?

“And then she told me: ‘this is really bad, can you give me a real report in an hour?’. I mean, can you believe that? I worked so hard to finish that report, so how could I make a new one in an hour?” there was no response from my side and Hyoyeon glanced at me. “Jongsuk?” she called.

“Hm?” I barely answered.

“You were not listening!” she accused with a complaining tone. I had to force a laugh, praying that it didn’t sound awkward to her.

“No, I was listening.” I defended myself. “So, what did you do?” I asked again, throwing whatever neutral question to cover the fact that I didn’t hear a word she said. Lucky for me, it was an appropriate question so Hyoyeon continued again. And meanwhile my mind had flown somewhere else with her voice as the music in my ear.

What would I do if I couldn’t hear her voice? What would I become if she wouldn’t talk with me; sharing her stories with me anymore?

What if she left me?

I casted a quick gaze at her, admiring her feature.

I wouldn’t be able to bear it if she was gone. I could make her love me; so please Hyoyeon, wait for a bit. Just wait a little longer would do, because I wouldn’t be able to make it without you. It didn’t matter if your heart is occupied by someone else. Or if there was no me in your eyes. I could bear it, as long as I could see you by my side; as long as you were still with me; even if it was just halfheartedly.

_____

“Did you hear? Doojoon has got a new crush.” Woobin grinned at our latest gathering, glancing at Doojoon slyly. The latter casted him an annoyed frown.

“Where did you hear that lie?” he demanded as I grinned along with Woobin hearing the news. Since over a year ago when he broke up with Gayoon, I had never heard any talk about girls escape Doojoon’s lips.

“Really?” I asked, interested. “How come I’ve never heard about that?”

“Because that’s not true.” Doojoon grumbled.

“My friend worked in the same place with him.” Woonbin explained, mainly to me. “And when I asked, she said that Doojoon has always been very nice with one particular girl.”

“Can't a person be nice?” Doojoon asked in disbelief.

“Yes if it’s only to one person.” Woobin grinned. “Who is she?” he asked, but Doojoon already walked away, ignoring both of us. “That’s a rare occasion to see him shy.” he chuckled with no sign of guilt at all. “Do you really not know?”

“I really don’t know.” I laughed, and just then my gaze fell to his phone on the table. Woobin gazed at me before following my gaze to Doojoon’s phone.

“Then how about we find out ourselves?” Woobin said mischievously, grabbing the phone before I could stop him; not that I had any intention to do so. He scrolled through the messages and pictures before stopping.

“Is it her? He’s got several pictures of her.” he wondered to himself, continued looking to the pictures. “Woah, she’s pretty.” he admitted later. I could no longer hold my curiosity and snatched the phone away from him.

“Let me see.” I announced before shifting my eyes to the screen. What I saw almost made me drop Doojoon’s phone.

It was Hyoyeon’s picture; five or six of them, all was taken secretly.

“Put it down! He’s heading back here!” Woobin whispered rushingly, snatching the phone away from me and placed it on the table.

“I forgot my phone.” Doojoon said when he arrived just in time before he could see Woobin touch his cell phone. He then casted his gaze to me, confused. “Are you okay, Jongsuk?”

I was frozen in place; my lips couldn’t move to form any answer at all. It couldn’t be true, right? I must have been mistaken. Doojoon couldn’t like Hyoyeon; he rejected her. He only took care of her in my place because she was my girlfriend, right?

I couldn’t be someone who interfered between them. I was supposed to be the man to cure her broken heart.

“Jongsuk? What happened?” I could hear Doojoon’s voice again and I stared at him.

Do you like Hyoyeon?

I swallowed the words before I could regret it and shook my head, speaking with a thin voice.

“Nothing. It was nothing."

_____

I stared as Hyoyeon eat in front of me; my own food was untouched. She finally glanced and caught my full dish before throwing a questioning look at me.

“Why don’t you eat?” she asked concernedly.

“I’m eating.” I hurriedly said, eating a spoonful of the food. My throat was hurting because I had so many things I wanted to say, but the food was not too bad. It helped me to stop myself from uttering the words I might regret later at least.

Hyoyeon watched me eating like I was starving for days, and chuckled.

“Eat slowly.” she told me softly before turning to her food again.

The food felt like clogging my throat when I casted a discreet glance at her; the woman I loved. The one I stole the chance to be with someone she really wanted to be with. If it wasn’t for me; if it wasn’t for my selfish love, she would be with Doojoon already. She wouldn’t have to be with me, pretending that she was fine; pretending that she was my girlfriend.

When her heart wasn’t for me.

I knew; I knew all the while that it wasn’t love that made her stay with me. She had never told me about the day I confessed to her and asked her to be my girlfriend. Why did he confess to Doojoon when he already had a girlfriend and why did she agree to be with me?

I didn’t have the courage to ask, because that way she might realize that she didn’t need to be with me and just left.

I realized that I hadn’t earned her love, but wouldn’t it be enough if I tried? Wouldn’t she realize later that there was no one who would love her as much as I did?

Or would I just waste her time waiting for half of the heart she would always reserve for someone else?

My mind went blank when I drove back from her house. The truth was too much to bear. It was too painful knowing that I was the obstacle for the girl I love to have her happiness.

Would I be able to bear it if I continued to be selfish and pretended not to know? Would I be able to live if I backed away and let her go?

My eyes were hot as I sat on the bed; the phone was trembling in my hand as I struggled to type the words.

Hyoyeon,

I stopped there. It was already hurting so much just to think of her name; to think that I might not be able to call her that way anymore.

It has been two and a half years since you agreed to be my girlfriend.

And during these years, there was no day I passed without being anxious that you might leave me one day and find someone new.

Because I’m not the man you love.

A drop of tears trickled on my cheek but I still continued.

I’ve sincerely thought that I could make you happy and start to love me.

Since I love you that much I was sure that you would feel it one day and start to love me back. I was confident.

But later I’ve realized that it might not be the case. That no matter how hard I’ve tried, you still smiled at me halfheartedly. You still stayed with me halfheartedly.

Yet I kept tagging you along, too afraid that you might abandon me.

Have I overwhelmed you?

Have I made you sadden?

I’m sorry.

Please know that no matter how anxious I was; no matter how afraid I was; these two and half years were still the happiest days in my life.

Now it’s the time for you to be happy; the time for me to set you free.

Let’s break up.

I love you.

I sent the message before I could stop myself and then buried my eyes on my arm and cried.

_____

There was a loud knock on the door and I forced myself to get up, rubbing my swollen eyes. Hyoyeon didn’t call me, nor did she text me back. It was apparent at last; how insignificant I was in her eyes.

The door swung open and I landed my eyes on Hyoyeon; her hair was messy and she only wore her in house clothes. She stared at me accusingly with very red eyes.

“What is this?” she showed me her phone; my text was still on the screen. “What did you mean by this? How could you-” she suddenly choked by her own tears which flowed from those beautiful eyes. It took her a while to collect herself and continued with me standing dumbfounded, couldn’t bring myself to react at all.

“How could you send those horrible words and break up through a message? We’ve been together for two years. Doesn’t it say enough for you? Why don’t you understand how I feel?” she stopped again, rubbing her teary eyes.

I was frozen in my place, staring at her. Was it the truth; that Hyoyeon was standing in front of me, crying over our breakup? Was she trying to say what I thought she was saying?

“Does my feeling for these years mean nothing to you? How could you decide by yourself like that?” she continued again, her voice was hoarse because of tears.

“But you love Doojoon.” I managed to say despite the pain. But the effect was far from what I had imagined; Hyoyeon stared at me, looking hurt hearing those words.

“How long ago do you think it was? I ended my feelings the day I agreed to be your girlfriend. But you know that, right? Why should you feel that way? Why didn’t you ever see that I’ve loved you for so long now?” she casted her gaze away, tears still flowing hard. “I thought you were not serious with me.” she admitted with a thin voice. “I was insecure.”

And just then the truth hit me. How we had loved each other all the while and all I did was doubting her. My gaze fell on her, how she only wore those thin clothes in that cold weather. My heart beat in pain realizing that she must had run to me without thinking after reading my text. I felt numb from the confusion and happiness, and without thinking I pulled her into my embrace.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered on her ear. “I won’t do it again.”

I could feel her relaxed in my embrace, though the sound of her sob could still be heard softly.

“You, stupid. Don’t you dare trying to leave me again.”

I hugged her tighter; the happiness was all over my head. She just cried for me. She just said that she loved me.

Just the thought of that amazing truth had made me dizzy.

I buried my head on her shoulder, inhaling her sweet scent; the girl I loved and who loved me back. As I leaned to kiss her, the drops of tears were still there when he closed her eyes. Our lips met and I melted from the warmness; the happiness was overwhelming.

I promised to not let those tears appear in those eyes ever again.

If her words were lies and she really loved me hafheartedly, then so be it. I still would never let her go.

We had found our happiness at last.

END

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