Sulli in Wonderland by ohmysweetheart

Title: 3/5

The title is unoriginal, but it fits the story. However, I docked you two points because the unoriginality makes it seem boring or lacking.  

Poster/Background/Appearance: -/-

You don't have a poster/background, so this will not be taken into consideration.  

Description, Foreword: 4/10

The clock was ticking, and it couldn't be stopped, no matter what.  <--take out the "no matter what" because it makes you sound like a child. It takes something away from the story.

It kept the clock dangling in mid-air, causing it to sway, just like how that golden circle in a grandfather's clock ticks. <--reword because your wording in this sentence is disrupting the flow of the overall story.

If she doesn't fulfill her mission within the alloted time, that string would be cut off. <--You misspelled "allotted". Also, the "that" should be "the".

Will Sulli be able to make it before the clock strikes at 30? <--there is no technical "30" in a clock. You should say "6" if you're referring to the thirty minute mark.

...Or, will she fall "dead"? <--you need to add something to this because you may confuse some people with this sentence.

As for your actual forward, it is somewhat informal. The parentheses, where you state personal opinions and such, are the main informal pieces throughout your forwards. Ignoring that, your foreword is fine.

Creativity/Plot Twisters: 17/20

Definitely creative way of thinking, however, it is similar to Alice in Wonderland in logistics. The ending was definitely interesting as well, but, in a way, cliché because it's been done so many times; especially in stories like this. Overall, though, it is interesting.

Flow/Detail: 6/10

The flow in this story was odd because it was a one-shot. Each scene had its own flow, disrupting the other scenes flow. If this was a chaptered fan fic, it would probably be fine, however, it's not. The difference in the flow may make some readers uncomfortable because they'll feel some amount of uneasiness and not realize why they do.

On another note, I docked you two more points on this subject simply because you have too many specific details sometimes (i.e. there were four broken tiles), you didn't have enough details, or the details you had were very awkwardly worded, which may have confused some readers at a first glance (i.e. you describing IU's "body" when she was a rabbit).

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 0/20

"Jin Li-ah, you're looking really good now. You're ready," The stylist unnie had a smile of appreciation playing on her lips as she muttered the words. <--the "t" in "the" should be lowercased.

It's more likely "Drag Me To Hell". <--First off, this line doesn't make complete sense (as a suggestion, you could change likely, to like, to make the sentence make some amount of sense). Second off, not everything in between the quotations should not be capitalized.

Just keep falling, just keep falling, just keep falling, falling,falling.... <--you forgot a space after the second "falling,".

"Yeah, thanks." I said as I wiped my eyes. <--change the period after "thanks" to a comma.

I rubbed my eyes… I wiped my eyes <--these two actions are right after one another; it is redundant and you should take one of them out to take away the repetition.

What is this, some kind of "Alice in Wonderland" setting? <--You should split this into two sentences. Example: What is this? Some kind of "Alice in Wonderland" setting?

The lips were as red as Snow White's. But, there were some small writings under it that I couldn't figure out because it was faded. <--combine the two sentences.

She had this... this weird hat on her head with the other members' faces imprinted on it.  <--specify which band because it's too vague.

She dragged another chair to the other side, so now Hyun Ah is in front of me. <--reword.

"Yes," She replied cutely. <--the "s" in "she" needs to be lowercased.

I slowly stood up from my seat and went towards the canvas as Hyun Ah brought out her sharp knife. Hyun Ah started slicing, and I used the canvas to shield myself from the blade. I ran towards the door with the canvas in my hands. <--I would consider rewording this entire paragraph because it's vague and doesn't make sense at times. It may force the readers to create the scene in their own minds through their own imaginations rather than seeing what you see.

I locked Hyun Ah inside the room earlier and looked at the canvas. <--this needs to be reworded.

That pretend stores...  <--That should be "these".

I looked around, memories flooding my head as I touched each set-up with my fingers. <--You need a comma after "head". Then, change "set-up" with objects or some synonym to the word "thing".

Oh, that reminds me. After going to Hyun Ah's room, I have never seen IU again. <--emotionally, this line is very detached. It is also boring and worded ineptly. Consider rewording the sentence to something like: Which reminds me: after meeting Hyun Ah, I haven't seen IU since!

I walked over slowly to the other side of the room, and got surprised. <--"got" should be "was".

There was pink, blue and silver everywhere. <--what are these colors off…? Be specific.

There was a table at the center, and a red button on it. <--reword.

"Danger! Danger!" They muttered all together. <--the "t" in "they" needs to be lowercased.

"She was looking at me all along. Isn't that cheating?" He accused. <--the "h" in "he" needs to be lowercased.

"It seems that what Young Saengie said was true." Jo Kwon nodded as he said this. <--the period after "true" needs to be a comma.

I was back in my dressing room, and IU's make-up and outfit was already done. <--reword; the last half is passive.

My door was widely opened. <--"widely" should be "wide".

Absolutely ten minutes before Inkigayo starts. <--Take out "absolutely".

If you want to emphasize something, then italicize rather than bolding or capitalizing it to make it more formal and "grammatically" correct.

Also, although ellipses are a great tool when used properly, you need to use them less. They're informal and should be used rarely. In this one-shot, you had a total of 18 ellipses. It may not seem like a lot, but for a one-shot, that is a lot of ellipses.

Characterization: 9.5/10

Although this is a crack fan fiction, and personalities will be twisted out of character, Sulli was a little too out of character. Certain phrases, or thoughts, didn't sound like something Sulli would say or think, even if I don't know her personally.

Writing Style: 6/10 

The reason as to why you lost points for "writing style" is due to your flow, sentence structure, use of ellipses, and the way in which you go about certain sentences, expressions, descriptions, or sayings/dialogue.

Although you are trying to transition from one scene to the next, or you attempt to describe specific objects, they sometimes turn out boring or uninteresting. Readers will skim over those sentences rather than digest them. Also, to get rid of some choppiness your story has, add more transitional phrases into your writing.

Extras: 5/5

Full points! I adored the scene with Jo Kwon. That made me laugh! He's hilarious! Good job!

Overall: 50.5/90

General Comments: Overall, this was interesting. I haven't seen many use the Alice in Wonderland plot in a while (at least on AFF), so good on you for bringing back the classics. Your mistakes are minor, and ones that aren't too hard to fix once you force yourself to get over them. It was an interesting read, and good for some laughs. On a final note, thank you for taking the challenge, and I hope you learned and improved from this review! I hope you'll continue to take more challenges when you feel you're ready!