How long has it been now?

Tch, I don’t even want to know. In fact, I don’t even want to remember; and yet, here I find myself slowly walking over to the wall calendar, dragging my heavy worthless body to flip the papers back to the day it happened.

Right, it’s been 3 months.

3 months since I found out the news.

3 months since I ran out of the middle of a musical to where it happened.

3 months since I held him in my arms.

3 months since I decided to quit and leave everything behind.

3 months since I last saw of the people I consider as brothers.

3 months since…my one dearest person left me to sink into nothing but darkness and depression.

And yet to this very day, I still couldn’t get a grip on reality. It was too much, I guess. Too much that it sank right down into me, pinning me from the veracity of it all. To most, it might have been a bitter nightmare, something that comes one night and leaves the next day…but as for someone like me, it comes into the middle of my sanity, breaking into my inner walls and suffocating me with its cold hands.

I suppress the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes and check my phone for messages – only to find it flooded with people who tried to reach out to me.

Eunhyuk: “I know it’s hard. But come on, it’s been months. Where’s the sturdy guy I used to know?”

Donghae: “Are you alive? All of us miss you so much, you know. Come by if you want. We’ll treat you to a buffet.

Siwon: “Kyuhyun, get a grip. Wake up…I know you’re in there”

Ryeowook: “We all miss him, Kyuhyun-ah. I know it’s hard for you too…Super Junior’s not the same”

And the list goes on. People think that the best solution is to move on, but they’re wrong. I can never move on. Not when that person meant my whole life. All I said about him being just a best friend or a mere companion…they were all lies. I never thought that he’d become so much more than that. And it never crossed my mind once, that he’ll actually leave me behind…for good.

I felt so lost. So goddamn lost. I didn’t want to speak with anyone because they all meant nothing to me now. Ever since the day I was introduced to the band, the man had meant so much to me. I only wanted him to myself. Of course he knew how I felt. He was the same. We just hid our desire as real professionals would.

Now that he’s gone, I feel so empty. I feel so useless that my purpose in life has been ripped off from my very hands.

That day I held his bleeding tattered body; I felt a little silly because of the musical costume I was wearing, but it didn’t bother me the moment I looked into his fading eyes and held his bloodstained hand. He looked like he’s in so much pain; too painful that the small smile he gave me was forced right on his mouth the minute I called out to him.

I shouted and screamed trying to keep him with me. He couldn’t leave…not yet.

“I’ll…wait for you Kyuhyun” he whispered to me as a tear slide down his pale face. He closed his eyes, and I held him, shouting his name over and over again.

Death came to him too quick.

I couldn’t stop the tears.

I couldn’t stop the shaking.

Why?

Why now?

Why me?

For those past months without him by my side, I felt myself fading from the world. No one could save me. How possible is it if the only person who could was already gone? As many times as I’ve tried to get better…to find closure…to finally move on, the memory from that one rainy night would pull me back and pin me down once again, each time burying me into the pit of endless fear.

--

I walk into the cold streets of Seoul once again, wrapping my jacket closer and bringing my scarf nearer to my mouth. Winter finally came. However, it does not match the coldness I feel inside.

I hear gasps and murmurs coming from the people around me.

“Is that…Cho Kyuhyun?”

“It is! I thought he’d never move on from the death of Sungmin-ssi”

“Hey…look at him. He looks different”

“He looks…lost”

Tch, I don’t look like it. I am lost. I feel useless, empty…it’s like I live in this world physically but not emotionally. I’m not just me anymore…unless I’m with him again. I stop on my tracks to prevent myself from moving any further and look at the overcast dark sky. It’s snowing…and I feel a smile grace my lips.

All around me are screams and yelling.

I want it to stop.

My body slowly gets engulfed in a flood of blinding white light and a loud screeching horn.

“I’m coming with you…Sungmin. You don’t have to wait any longer”

I close my eyes and I feel it. I feel as though wings are wrapping me in a warm embrace. It was only a moment of pain but then it was over…like a fleeting memory. I feel so weightless…so free. A tear rolls down my cheek.

“AAAAAAHHHHHH!”

“Holy, did you see that?!”

“He just walked himself right in front of that truck!”

“Why didn’t anyone stop him?!”

I see everyone staring at me…I stare at well at my lifeless body. I look so pitiful and powerless. But at least, I’ve escaped from the loneliness I was feeling. I turn around when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

“Sungmin…”

“You really are stubborn, huh?

He smiles at me, one I’ve never seen before in the times we’ve been together. And I admit, I feel a gush of warmth pass through me as he my cheek.

“I’ve watched you for the past 3 months…and it pains me to watch you in such sorrow” he pauses and holds my hand as he pulls me closer.

“But now you’re here…we’re together now. Just like you wanted” he smiles at me again and I smile back. He seems so at peace…I feel the same.

We pull apart and he draws me closer to a beckoning light.

“They’re waiting for us, Kyu. Come”

I smile lightly at our entwined hands. I follow him without giving any second thoughts.

As long as I’m with him, I can escape from those dark days of mourning and loneliness.

As long as I’m with him, can I ever find pure peace.

“I’m finally with you, Sungmin. There is no other place I’d rather be than in your arms…right here, right now”