It’s oddly silent.

Only the pitter-patter of rain drops is audible. I stare out the window at the stormy gray sky. It’s cold. I pull the blanket closer to my chin, half-expecting that someone would tug the blanket back and complain that he was freezing to death then snuggle closer to me.

But that someone isn’t here.

Sancho yawns and stretches from his curled up position at my feet. He leaps off the bed and paces around the room, sniffing as if he was expecting to find random song sheets, clothes, and other knick-knacks scattered on the floor. But there are none. He scratches his ear then whines.

He walks back towards me and stands on his hind legs, his front paws on my pillow.

I pat his head and smile wistfully. “I know, Sancho. You miss Joonyoung hyung too.”

I finally decide to get up and get ready for the day. I have several schedules lined up, including preparations for my second album.

Usually, I’d be looking forward to all that. But recently, they all feel more like a taxing chore.

Maybe it’s just the terrible weather that’s ruining my mood.

Or maybe I just miss Joonyoung.

Okay, I do miss Joonyoung. I miss him a lot.

------

I don’t understand why I suddenly feel so lonely.

For the last few years, I’ve lived alone in this apartment. I would come and go as I please. Sleep here, eat in my other house, come back again – and completely ignore how messy the place would get.

The rain pours down heavily from the sky, just as how it has for the previous days. “Aga~ are you feeling cold?” I ask out loud.  

But I know he wouldn’t answer. He isn’t here.

I start picking up the clutter on the floor, and arranging them into a neat pile on the table. Then I retrieve my dirty clothes that are chaotically trashed around my room. I remember how he’d help me clean up, how he’d scold me for keeping my house so untidy.

Then when he’d pick up some shirt of mine from the heap of clothes, he’d beg me to let him wear it too when it came back from the laundry.

“Hyung, I like this. Where’d you get it?” he’d start.

“Yah, I know where this is going. No, you can’t wear it,” I’d say.

“Please, oppa?” he would start acting cute. I would just pull that ugly blue headband he likes to wear so much down until it would cover his eyes. I would ruffle his hair till it was all messed up – he found that annoying. But he’d smile. He knew he already won me over.

Aish. That kid. I could hardly say no to him.

I look at the clock. It was fifteen minutes to seven. I stop what I’m doing and go to the bathroom to start getting ready. I have a long day ahead. My schedule is jam-packed.

But all the work is enjoyable…but they were more enjoyable with Roy around.

I’ll admit it.

I miss Roy.

So much.

------

Those days when I was with you…

Neither of us had brought an umbrella. We hadn’t expected it to rain in the first place. When we left the apartment, the sky was pure blue; not a single cloud could be seen. But now it was pouring. Joonyoung and I ran as fast as we could to the nearest place where we could find shelter. Both of us were drenched from head to toe. We were shivering from the cold, yet despite our predicament, we laughed at each other.

With Joonyoung, I wasn’t afraid to be stupid. He was a free spirit, unafraid of doing what he wanted as long as he knew he wasn’t going to hurt anyone.  

His ways were rubbing off me. I was starting to loosen up. I was starting to enjoy life.

The two of us should have been home already. We left the CJ&EM building early, and we were on our way to Joonyoung’s apartment – which, as of then, we both lived in – when Eddy (Junghwan) called and invited us over.

Without hesitation, we accepted his invitation. It had been long since we last saw each other. We had a great time hanging out in his house. We didn’t notice that it was getting late. When we left, there were hardly any buses to ride going back to Gangnam.

We shuddered as we stood under the tiny roofed porch of a bakeshop that had already closed for the day. Joonyoung leaned his chin on my shoulder. I looked at him and smiled.

“Are you cold?” he asked me. I nodded in response.

Joonyoung rubbed his palms together. Then he placed his hands on my cheeks. “Does that help?” he asked with his trademark mischievous smile.

“No,” I told him, smiling back. I spotted some shops across the street that were still open. I knew Joonyoung saw them too.

“Let’s go there and buy an umbrella. We need to get home,” Joonyoung said. He just took the words right out of my mouth. I was about to say the same thing.

We had some sort of telepathic connection. We both thought of the same things at the same time.

Once again, Joonyoung and I ran under the rain like kids. We must have looked like idiots running around at midnight.

We looked around all the open shops. None of them sold umbrellas, much to our dismay. But there was this one stall that sold hats – ugly ones. Perhaps Joonyoung and I were just desperate, but we decided to buy two of this ugly black hat that made us look like ahjussis. Joonyoung, who usually told me to pay for everything, paid for the hats.

“That’s my gift to you,” he said playfully before he put the hideous black hat on my head and laughed until he could no longer stand straight.

So even though my friends and fans tell me to get rid of that hat – some even say that I should burn it – I still wear it.

Because it reminds me of Joonyoung.

------

…were some of the happiest days I’ve ever had

“Aga, what’s taking you so long in there?” I knocked on the bathroom door for the thousandth time.

I needed to take a shower, yet Roy was still in the bathroom, taking his time as if we didn’t have a schedule to go to. I stared at the clock. I watched the seconds tick away.

It was storming outside. Claps of thunder and flashes of lightning bolted from the sky. And when the weather was like this, the traffic in the streets of Seoul would be extremely heavy. It wasn’t helping that Roy was taking so long in the bathroom. We wouldn’t leave on time, and we wouldn’t get there fast enough. We were gonna be late. That was for sure.

Finally, Roy stepped out of the bathroom. “Took you long enough,” I mumbled as I brushed passed him. He smelled like soap and aftershave. I couldn’t help but notice.

“Mianhamnidang~” Roy said, mimicking the tone I use to say ‘thank you.’

“Move aside,” I told him. He still stood by the door. “You want to take a shower with me?” I joked.

“Yes,” he answered laughing. “Our schedule this morning was cancelled, by the way.”

Stupid Sangwoo. He made me rush for nothing. No wonder he was taking his time in the shower. I flipped the hem of his bathrobe for revenge.

“Yah!” he screamed in surprise, “What are you doing?”

I pushed him aside and finally took a shower.

That morning, we took numerous selcas. I still remember how much we laughed and talked. I remember how I picked up my guitar, started playing, and how we sang together.

“Too much love will kill you,” we sang at the top of our voices.

And now, too much love is killing me.

I want Roy to come back.

------

I miss you...take me back in time.

It’s been a month since Joonyoung and I stopped talking to each other. It’s stupid, because I don’t even remember what we argued about. All I know is that something went wrong with one of our fanmeets together. I just left his house and never bothered calling him again the next day.

I received a text message from him, saying that he wanted to talk. Perhaps I was too busy, or too stressed out from all the work I had to do that I didn’t reply to him. He never got in touch with me after that.

It’s been easy to pretend like there was nothing wrong between me and Joonyoung. Our schedules are so different that we don’t run in to each other.

No more radio shows together, no more TV appearances together either.

We never had the chance to talk.

And I’m dying to hear his voice again.

I walk through the hallways of the CJE&M studios…then I spot a familiar silhouette pass by. It’s Joonyoung. I’m sure of it. No one else would wear that ugly black hat but the two of us.

“Hyung!” I call out. He doesn’t seem to hear.

“Oppa!” I call out louder. I don’t care if anyone else hears me. All I want is for Joonyoung to turn around and see me.

He does. He smiles at me as if nothing has ever happened.

“Aga, I missed you,” he tells me as he comes closer.

I throw my arms around him, the same way I did when he congratulated me when I won Superstar K4.

“Come back home, aga. I’ve been waiting for you,” he whispers as he hugs me too.

I smile. I know I have my best friend back. 

___________________________________________________________________________________

aga (아가) - baby

Sometimes, I wonder...are they really just best friends and not something more?