An Angel's Voice; yangtammie
Story

What? I’m sorry, but your story was very hard to fathom. There were too many Point of Views and some of them were not important at all. Author’s POV? What? While your story was hard to understand, there were some parts that were mildly enjoyable. Let’s start, then.

Description: “To live with abusive parents, is hard for Sung Hee. To fight a battle alone, is hard for Baekhyun. To kill the person that you love dearly is hard for Jongin. To get rid of feelings you have for the person you love is hard for Haeri. To witness two people you care dearly for, suffer is hard for Joomyeon. To be emotionally abused by ruthless people is hard for Hana. To hide secrets from his beloved ones is hard for Chanyeol. These, are their stories.”

Your description was amazingly accurate. You told their stories, but you did it in the sneakiest way possible. You did not reveal too much about them. Rather, you gave insight to the surface of the problems that they face day to day. Your description drew me in, and I was eager to read more. No more character descriptions. Please. Character descriptions are never a good thing. Even if they are short and to the point, please refrain from adding them. Throughout your story, you should describe the characters with your words. Please, in the future do not add any more character descriptions. Your readers are smart enough to distinguish the characters and what they go through. You have told them in your description.

Foreword: Your foreword should contain a snip from your story, but if you add the review shops that have reviewed you, that is perfectly fine! Your foreword was good. As long as it does not have more than what it already has.

Title:  An ellipsis is fine if you are using them throughout your story. For example, when Chanyeol came to warn Baekhyun about the fight that was happening in the school courtyard, you used ellipses. That is perfectly fine. But, please do not put them in your titles as much. Just try, “An Angel’s Voice” for your title, instead of “An Angel’s Voice…” You had simple tags, so there’s nothing to really cover there.

Plot: In some cases, this can be classified as a clichéd plot, but the way you wrote it, the plot was far from cliché. But, throughout the story, it was quite cliché. Maybe it was just your writing style that made it seem that way. Gosh, that’s a lot of cliché, huh? Your overall plot was not clichéd, though. It told a story through your words. Your plot was very clear to me at some parts, but very confusing at other parts.

Creativity:  I feel like I have read a story like this somewhere. I just can’t seem to put my finger on exactly where. There’s a story floating out there somewhere though, right? Your story was creative, but it was similar to other stories in a hard-to-distinguish kind of way. If you want, try to alter a few things in this story while you are editing it. Try to go back and look into the bits and pieces of your writing. Try reading between the lines. What points are you trying to get across?

Originality:  I did not feel as though this story was original. Well, at least at some points I felt this way. I suppose it was because there are a lot of stories on this site like this—as well as in the real world. Again, this could have been just the way you wrote your story.

Flow: Your flow was hard to judge. At some points in the story, I was lost completely. Your characters were not displayed well. But, I won’t go into that much since that is characterization.  Your flow was slow towards the end, but very fast in the beginning. You were easy to understand, but then you were very hard to understand. It baffled me, really. I was not sure what your initial purpose of this story was. I was just not sure at all.

Characterization: There is a lot to say here. Whether it is short or long, I hope to get my point across as best as I can. I’m not sure how to start with this, or where to start.

I’ll just start by saying one word that I repeated throughout your entire story: what? What exactly did most characters in this story have to do with your plot at times? In your description, you’d made it seem like each chapter was a snip from each characters life. But, I was wrong, obviously. It was one big story revolved around Sung Hee, which showed a few seconds of everyone else’s lives. Don’t get me wrong, every character served a good purpose in this story, but they were not developed at all. Sung Hee and Baekhyun had just met, and I ran across the sentence of, “I don’t need him anymore.” I’m sorry but, when did Sung Hee ever need him? I exclaimed this while I was reading. They had never even spoken before besides the time in the infirmary when Sung Hee rushed out of the room at the sound of the bell. You never mentioned before that Sung Hee got attached to people fast, and I’m assuming that she doesn’t, so why would she need Baekhyun if she can do everything by herself—if she’s numb? You should go back and revise this a little. Why did Sung Hee become so quick to get attached to Baekhyun? Did she not just say that he was like the rest of them? She doesn’t even know him…

Whew. Did I get my point across well?

Style: What is wrong with your POV throughout your story? Were you only trying to experiment with POV’s? I do not mean this in a rude way; I am genuinely asking you this question.  A story should contain one, if not two, POVs. I have never seen or read a story with Author’s POV. The whole story is in the Author’s POV; it’s the author’s story! This story should have been in third person. Throughout the story, you switched. One time, it was Sung Hee and she was telling the story. The other time, it was Sung Hee but it was in third person and no one’s POV. The other time after that, it was Sung Hee from the author’s POV. What? It got so confusing. Please consider revising this story to one POV or two POV’s. Third person, preferably.