Daehyun didn’t know how he ended up in this position. All he did was ask to watch a movie with them. Them as in he, Jongup and Youngjae. He never meant to end up in a car with just Jongup. But now here he was, driving his old, beat up car with his dongsaeng by his side staring out of the window to his right as if the passing cars and houses were the most mesmerising thing in the world. As if the silence that engulfed them wasn’t strange, not awkward at all.

He knew it was his fault. It was his fault that whenever the younger was around his throat would constrict and make his breath hitch. He knew that he was the one at reason for the silence. But how could he change that when his vocal chords always betrayed him around Jongup? He’d rather endure it than make a fool of himself. The humiliation of croaking sounds leaving his mouth in an attempt to speak was too much to bear. No, he wouldn’t risk that. Not around Jongup.

In that moment Daehyun didn’t hate anyone even remotely as much as he hated Youngjae. Youngjae might have been his best friend, but this was too much. He knew, Youngjae ing knew and he did this on purpose. He was the sole reason why they were like this, sharing the same air in the too small cubicle that was Daehyun’s car. And the sad part was that the only person he actually had to blame was himself. Because he was too obvious. He knew he was showing his feelings to an extent that he could only describe as annoying to anyone around him. He knew it was too much. He knew he should keep it to himself. Either that or confess to the younger, but that was out of the question, wasn’t it? Because Jongup would never never never say yes to something as stupid as Daehyun confessing to him. Not when Jongup was perfection in persona and Daehyun was... just Daehyun. Not when the younger teen didn’t have a single imperfection on his body, because even the tiny flaws no one knew about were perfect. Not when Daehyun had just a little too much belly-fat to be considered y, when his lips were just a little too plump and there was just a little too much baby fat right underneath his eyes to be eagerly looked at. Not when the younger boy beside him would constantly be rambling about the stupidest things around his hyungs, but wouldn’t utter a single word around Daehyun.

Daehyun knew he was being obvious. He knew that his gaze lingered on the younger just a little too long every time he came into his line of vision, that his eyes would desperately search for the boy when he wasn’t, that the gulps he tried so hard to hide every time Jongup practiced in his trademark wife beater would always be obvious, no matter how hard he tried.

He knew all of that. He knew and he knew that everyone around him knew as well. They all did. Every single one of them except Jongup. Because Jongup was just too simple-minded to have a care in the world. Because he was too young, too oblivious to understand what Daehyun was doing. Because Jongup was just too innocent to be true.

And Daehyun still hated Youngjae for doing this to him. He hated that the younger knew, that he’d do anything to make Daehyun confess to his dongsaeng. He hated it, because Youngjae knew that he was scared to no end, that he couldn’t bear being turned down. He knew and it was driving Daehyun insane.

But he loved him. He loved that Youngjae knew and tried everything to help his hyung. Because without his dongsaeng urging him on every minute of every day Daehyun wouldn’t even consider confessing. And thanks to him he actually did. He’d been considering for a while now, but he was still scared. So so scared that even if he had wanted to, he couldn’t have, because every time he tried to utter a single word his airways would constrict and he would choke rather ungracefully. And embarrassing himself like that in front of Jongup was out of the question.

And that’s why nothing changed, not in the 75 minutes it took them to get to their destination, not even when Daehyun made a wrong turn and had no idea where they were or where they were supposed to go. No, he wouldn’t ask for Jongup’s help reading the signs, because he still couldn’t speak to the younger and that’s why, in the end, the journey that should’ve taken 45 minutes took them over an hour. Because Daehyun was too stubborn to indicate their being lost. Or too scared of almost choking again.

When they finally arrived, Jongup hopping out of the car, smiling like nothing was ever wrong, Daehyun felt like dying. Of course Jongup was fine. Of course he didn’t mind the silence and would rather not talk to his hyung if it meant not having him stutter or whisper or not making a sound at all. Of course he’d prefer his own thoughts over Daehyun’s unintelligible noises. Of course Jongup was fine without Daehyun.

Daehyun realized how much of a lost cause he was, he did. But it had never stopped him before and it definitely wouldn’t stop him now. Not when the one in question was Jongup. No, Jongup was worth the embarrassment. He was worth it, even if Daehyun might not have liked humiliating himself and tried to avoid it at all costs. But this was Jongup and Jongup was perfect and would forgive him for every stupid thing he said or did. Everything except a confession. Because that was too much to ask, even of the ‘everything’s as easy as it seems’-dongsaeng he’d grown to love so much.

And that’s why he was so so thankful when they entered the coffeeshop they agreed to meet at and saw Youngjae and Junhong in a small booth, laughing over something that was most probably not even funny. But Daehyun was grateful for their presence, because he could speak to Youngjae in actual words and sounds and Jongup enjoyed Junhong’s presence. He’d always liked Junhong’s presence better than his hyung’s. Daehyun knew it and understood it and hated it. He hated hated hated it, because what was so much better about Junhong than it was about Daehyun? He hated it, because he knew that every single thing about Junhong was so much cuter or ier or more defined and Junhong made sense. He was articulate and knew just the right things to say and could hold a conversation and Daehyun knew that he would never be as good as Junhong, but he would dream and hope and in the end he’d surely be crushed. But he was Daehyun and he was nothing but ordinary and he knew his wishes would never be granted anyway, so it was okay.

It was okay, and that’s why it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if he confessed to the younger, because the sooner Jongup turned him down, the sooner he could be with Junhong. And Jongup would never turn Junhong down, because he was everything Daehyun wasn’t and they would work out and Daehyun hated it. He hated it more than anything, because he would never be the one to make Jongup smile that precious smile of his and he would never be the one at the receiving end of those perfect perfect perfect hugs Jongup gave. It would never be him and that’s why it didn’t matter anyway. He could just get it over with, get the burden off his shoulders, be turned down, cry cry cry into Youngjae’s shoulders and be a wreck for just a few months. But at least Jongup wouldn’t have to deal with him any longer than he already has. And that’s why, before they even took a seat, he tugged at Jongup’s shirt hesitantly, earning a confused frown from the younger and pulled him outside of the shop, stopping a few feet away from the entrance. He had no idea what he was doing, but it was okay, because it would be over soon and it’d finally be done and he wouldn’t have to be a bother to Jongup or Youngjae or anyone anymore.

“Jongup-ah, I-“ He heaved a sigh, tried composing himself, because choking on his own saliva now was worse than any other time. No, it had to be perfect. One sentence. One whole sentence, no stuttering, no weird noses, just a few words following one another to form a sentence.

“I love you, Jongup-ah.”