One, two, three... I know he would knock at the door rather than ringing the doorbell. Three years of having him in my life as a person whom I can always rely on made me memorized each and every part of him. I know he would be carrying something nice for us to share; it could be cups of hot chocolate drink. It would fit this cold weather.

           

            This kind of situation –the wife waiting for her loving husband to come home as she prepares the table for dinner, is really a dream-come-true for me, except for the marriage part, we’re not yet married but I know we’ll get there.

 

            My vision is a step ahead from the reality. I can see his face smiling at me brightening my place and his presence warming my skin. Three years of being with him made Hwang Chansunga part of me. Three years. But there was never a moment when I got tired of him. All the sweet and bitter things about him had been the definition of his perfection for me. Every short comings he has, I welcomed it with open arms.

 

            Then, the doorbell rang. I raised a brow –curious of his new action. Maybe he is trying to play, he had this surprising side. There was even a time where he ordered roses to be delivered to me by 100 different flower shops, each carrying hundred pieces of it. Of course, I love it, who would not? It was for our 100^thday anniversary; he said that with one hundred days of being together I brought ten thousand times of joy and color to his life. Now that three sweet years had passed he still surprises me with those kinds of things.

            I stopped wondering what’s going on and walk quietly to the door. I opened the heavy door and welcome him with a warm smile. I know he would hug me and kiss me in the forehead. But as I look at him, his face was emotionless. It is so bland that it sent chills through my body. He was from a movie shooting, he usually brings a bag of clothes with him when he has shootings but today he stepped at my door empty-handed. I was now nervous of what’s happening. “Chagi! Wegeore? Kwenchana? Uhmm?” I asked him. He was not even looking at me when he answered he was okay. I know he is in a bad mood today so I just hold his hands and pulled him in and sat him on the sofa.

 

            “I’ll stop asking what’s going on because I know you hate it when I do that. But please tell me, is it about me? Have I done something wrong to make you feel sad?” I asked.

 

            “Aneeyo! Nan kwenchana. Neo aniya! Sincha.” He replied. Now, it made me more nervous. I tired to divert the situation by inviting him to eat with me but he said he would not stay long and he must be on his way. That strike the red flag on, I know something is up. He was the one who called me and asked if he could see me here alone, so there would be a reason why he came all the way here with a scheduled work on his way. I was standing in front of him and all of a sudden I fell down on my knees. I was slightly shaking for this is something new and if there is one thing I hate its change. I tired to hide the fear because I know he is observing me, he tired to catch me before my legs hit the floor but I held myself together and pretended I was just trying to sit in the floor. “Kwenchana?” he asked me. There was a care from his voice but it’s not the same. He was holding me on an elbow and the warmth of his fingers that usually calm my system suddenly turns cold giving me an almost painful sensation.

 

            “Hwang Chansung, three years had passed with every given trials solved. You can no longer fool me. I know WE have a problem. I just don’t actually know it up until now. If there’s something you feel that is not right you can tell me about it. And maybe well end up having a solution for it like always.”

 

            There was a long silent moment. I can hear my heartbeat; the rush of blood through my body is giving me a headache, everything is now blurry. I’m trying to look back at the recent days that had passed but there is simply nothing wrong. He is sitting so stiff and is looking at the floor the whole time. I remembered what he told me once:

 

            “Even if we fought for a full 24-hour I would not let my eyes of off you, you mean the life to me so I can not let a moment without you in my sight or else I’ll die.” When I’ve run things through, my eyes where locked into his face. His not dying, I’m certain of that; then maybe the reason why his letting me out of his sight now is because I’m no longer the meaning of his life.

 

            Heavy tears run down my face and I reached for his hand. I hold his hand tightly and he looked at me in my eyes. I wipe the tears in my eyes because I can no longer see him with them blocking my vision. One minute he looked at me and the next one, he is saying sorry.

 

            Now I know I’m right. He is trying to leave me. He is going to say goodbye. He stood up and tried to walk away without a single word to explain things. I quickly stood up and grabbed his hand with his back on me. “Why?” I hate to ask because I know I’m making myself look like a fool but I could not let him walk out that door, for probably the last time, without knowing the reason of this separation. He faces me with teary eyes and said, “I’m trying to work harder, I want to take my career into the next level. I know you realize this side of me long before we met.” I love his personality of being so determined and focus but I never realized that he would actually leave me because of his work. Then again because I never questioned this part of him –why question it now.

 

            My heart aches so much that I think I just stop breathing. I feel I lost my soul that’s why my body is dead-cold. I feel I lost my heart though I’m feeling each loud heavy beat it makes and it hurts like hell. But most of all I lost my life, Hwang Chansung.

 

I grab the side of his face and gave him a kiss. I thought I just need to wake him up from some kind of an evil curse. But it was a waste; he never returned my kiss. My heart and lungs just stopped functioning all at the same time. His eyes are pure of loneliness; it was locked on me. I feel coldness there. I feel the fright of holding on to nothing as well. And from that I closed my eyes and tired to let go of his face. It was hard because this might be the last time I’ll hold him as close to me as that, but I need to do it. I can see he is not happy, he is losing his shine and I know it’s because he want me to set him free. I know he would be happy, and in his happiness my happiness lays. I opened my eyes and tired to smile. He has tears in his eyes now.

           

            “I can’t tell you things to make this easy but I want you to know I never intend to end things hurting you. Everything between us was real please don’t doubt that.”

           

            I kept on smiling but I can’t help but to sober. I tried to keep it in by putting a hand on my lips but my sobbing went on. He held both my shoulders and slowly put his arms around me. His warm soothing body made my tears flow like a river. He has been my everything but now he is leaving me in this place where I’m not used to. His grip is firm making me think of the days where we would hold like this and plan for the future –a future that is no longer an option. As his arms slowly loosen, I felt fear. He is my life. How will I carry along with my life when life itself is now saying it’s goodbye to me?

 

            “Mianae.” This was his final word and then he gave me a kiss in the forehead, a one last kiss. And finally he left me alone.

 

            Today, I lost my love; I lost my life –I lost my Hwang Chansung.