ROSE by Lee Hi

Anna's hand grazed upon her graceful silky hair, it as she heave out a heavy sigh. She glanced at her mobile phone vibrating showing a message is recieved. It was from Kris. Kris..., she thought. The name brought so much guilt to her little heart. How her love was like her, a red rose. Beautiful yet painful. Fragrant but hurtful.

As her hand reached her mobile phone, she read the messages she'd recieved. The more she read, the more guilt she carries, the more thorns stabbed her little fragile heart. She brought up her arms, covering her face, hugging her knees, deep in thoughts. Moments later, she glanced up, brought up her occupied hand, she has decided. I'm sorry, Kris. But I'm tired., she thought.

Anna got up from her seat and went to her walk-in closet and got her luggage. She placed her luggage on her bed as she went back to the closet to grab hold of all her clothes, carrying it to her luggage. As she folded her clothes, her mobile phone suddenly vibrated on the table. Taking noticed, she slowly turned her head then glanced to her phone, still in fixed position. Kris.., she thought again, I'm sorry.., she silently pleads. She quickly put her clothes in her luggage, closing it as she finished packing.

As she finished, she went to the bath to take a quick shower. As she soothe herself, showered by warmth - reality. Memories flooded back, sending shivers down her spine as she recites silent apologize, hugging her shoulders, head hung low as tears streamed down, endlessly flowing. You could hear her sobbing as she whispered 'I'm sorry.'

Once she finished, she drapped her body with a robe as she dries her hair with a towel. As she exits the bathroom, she halted. She looked at her phone. Again, Kris is what she could thought, guilt flowing through her heart. She observed her room. I'm gonna miss this place. This place where.., she thought.

She crossed upon a paper and a pen on her side table. She walked towards it, eyes not wavering away from it. She kneeled down, got the pen and started writing.. writting a letter. A letter to Kris.

Dear Kris 

I guess I ran away didn't I? Of course I did. You're reading this.

Kris... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making countless of excuses when the truth is, I'm confused. Insecured. Afraid. Yes, I've doubted because I'm afraid that one day you'll hurt me. I tried to give time to think but the heart won't let me. Kris.. I'm afraid. Insecured. What should I do? I know it's not been long since we've been together but I'm afraid. Why do I feel this way? Why does my instinct say you're not the one? Then, who is the one? And why? I'm afraid that only tears could describe our parting. Our goodbyes. Our pain. I'm sorry if I believed it. I'm sorry if I think it could be true. I'm sorry that it came true. I'm sorry that everything we had must come to an end. suddenly came to and end. I sorry I couldn't bear to love you more when I could. I just couldn't. I don't know. I'm in doubts. Doubting. In denials of the truth. I'm sorry that we could only be what we stand before. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry that I'm saying coutless apologize like this. I'm just sorry. I'm just not ready.

 

Babe, did you know? Throughtout my sleeplees night, my silent apologize, my silent cries, the silent pain that you were my nightmares. In that nightmares, you were my hurtful prediction, conclusion. No. You're not a jerk. Maybe it's me? Yeah... maybe. But what could I do? I hate to have these deja vu's. The prediction I loathe yet here you are.... my best painful night I've come to never regret yet here I am, regretting my decisions. I'm sorry that you had to bear this pain. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for loving you. I know, no matter the countless apologize, deep under that fixed smiles of yours will soon be nothing but flled with sadness and pain. I'm sorry that I'm the caused of that. I'm sorry, just so sorry.

 

I'm sorry that I had to break it. I'm sorry babe. How many times do I need to break it? I've recited enless apologize to you yet why do you still haunt me? Haunting me in my dreams. Everything just seems so sensless to me now. Everything. Please forgive me. You've killed me. You've hurt me. But I know, it's not your fault. It's mine... for not saying 'NO'. Why did I say 'YES' when I could've said 'NO'? Baby, I'm sorry. I'm saying my sorry. Reciting my story. Replaying our story. Our painful story. I'm sorry. I wish I can give you what you deserve but... I'M SORRY. 

Sometimes I wonder what could've been and I thank God I met you in real life, cause that woul've been tougher for me to get over it, I can't even get over you yet, sad? you may think? it is, and it hurts, it hurts a lot, in every song that reminds me of you, or every movie, some times I break down crying when there's no one home, but only for a few seconds, and then I tell to myself this has to end, I blocked you, but it didn't work, I'm sorry, I did that to stop thinking about you, I thought it worked, but one day, I tried to be cool about it, and I tried to answer you in the best possible normal way, for you not to notice how I was copping. 

Am I over yet? 

It still hurts after months, sometimes I pretend I'm strong enough and trick my mind a while just to tell myself I'm doing good with you, but it's a lie... 
 
I wondered if we could work, I got wrong in so many ways and one of them had faith that our love could be possible, and I blamed myself for letting go of you, now I don't blame any of us cause I'm trying to let you go cause I hope one day you will. 

i remembered the day you came. I remembered I was looking for you and I found you, and I felt like crying, I had so many feeling inside me in one second, and you hugged me and said to me "Did you think of me?" but I couldn't answer. Your hug was warm yet i kno it was shared, i introduced you to all my friends and family but it was to good to be true. It even smelled fishy, I woke up and I had that scene in my head all day, I came home and I fell asleep, when I woke up I started to cry, I'm sorry I'm telling you all this, is not even your fault, you might explode, but I really don't know what to do, so decided to write you this letter, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, cause it's already enough the pain I'm feeling, I just wanted to tell you this cause you're really the only person I can say that to, I really do wish you the best, and I really hope for your happiness. I'm glad I finally let out all my feelings inside cause at least one of us don't feel lonely anymore. 

Love, Anna.

A tear fell onto her signature as she recite 'I'm sorry'. Her hand quivering from her sobbing. How many times was she gonna say 'I'm sorry'? No one knows. She quickly folded the letter and wrote 'To Kris. p.s. I'm sorry' She quickly wore her clothes, wore her coat and her hat. She got to her bed and took the luggage.

As she was about to turn the handle, she stopped. Her hands were shaking. At that moment, she felt like breaking. Just crying that instantly. She heard her phone rung again for the countless times today. She looked at her phone on her table as it vibrates, sending the sounds she feared and shivers for. She slolwy retreated her hand back and slowly walked towards the table, not leaving her gaze on the phone. It's Kris, she thought. Again that name ran her thoughts. She slowly reached her phone, quiveringly breathed in heavily before she takes the call and answered the call,giving him no time to answer and immediately cut off, she said, "I'm running away. You and I must come to an end. I'm sorry for loving you but goodbye." When she cut the line, her chest was heaving up and down, her breathing hitched, a sob resulted, tears soon fell. 'I'm sorry' was the last word she left behind before she ran and took a cab.

"Where do you want to go, miss?" the taxi driver asked, looking at her throught the rear-view mirror, her, looking out the windows. "To the airport." Just as the cab started to drive off, she bid the house that held so much memories and recited the last apologize she could give in whipers.

"I'm sorry."