He is childish and volatile. Sungjong knew it and never really denied that sad reality about himself. No, it’s not how his Sungyeol hyung is, not even like how easy-looking his Dongwoo hyung is. Being childish in his case never ceased to be like how the word ‘childish’ means for his other hyungs. It was a mile different than his innocent hyungs who seemed to have never encountered a single problem in their life displayed by the radiant smiles that they have whenever he sees them. So he chose to do something that he had regretted. He pretended. That was the only thing that he can do. To pretend and act the happy-go-lucky maknae that his hyungs had known him ever since they were trainees, hiding the truth that his mind is in a chaotic turmoil arguing how his own self works.

Whoever said that being an idol can be easy is an idiot and narrow-minded. It may seem to be an easy job with easy money but it was far beyond that. It never was and never will be easy because of the judgmental eyes that you face every time, he grasped that fact too late already. Sungjong was immature when he entered Woollim entertainment. All he had in his mind at that time was to be someone known to the minds of many people. He wanted to be famous. The thought of its consequences never really crossed his mind once while being with other anonymous people that he had yet to know better, dancing and attending voice lessons with them all. It was even a shock to him when his CEO told him one afternoon that he will finally debut together with his other hyungs in a group called ‘Infinite’. It was a mix of happiness and fright. Happiness because, finally, he’ll be someone who he wants to be. He was frightened because he was afraid of failure. What if his group cannot meet the expectation of people? What if they failed and were not accepted by the many? These thoughts crossed his brain even before he was introduced to his other members. When they met, though, and was formally announced that they’ll be in a group, when he saw the eyes of his other hyungs, he thought that maybe, just maybe, his earlier thoughts can be pushed to the further back of his mind. They are one now.

Sungjong was very much happy and contented that they were able to face the harsh competency in the world of Kpop. People accepted them and were able to go hand-in-hand with other groups because of their remarkable synchronic moves. Their several-hours-a-day practice finally paid off, he realized. People would say that he should be feeling very much happy and can ask for nothing more. It was supposed to be that way. He was supposed to be happy about everything that is happening to them now. But then he’s not. That was when the problem started. His immature ego kept on comparing himself with his other hyungs. No, it’s not physically because he still holds to that something that his admirable pastor told him once, ‘you are special in your own way, Sungjong-ah’. Rather, it was how their fans admired them. It was how much he was loved. He can’t deny the fact that he loves to surf the internet and just go around sneaking online. He thought, if only he had not been attracted to the wonders of modernity then maybe he had not encountered the gush of harsh words that fans were saying about him. He was devastated to say the least. Finding people bad-mouthing him is not something that he had realized when he became a trainee. Fans said that he was over-acting and too annoying because of his ‘kkap’-ness. But then he never really tried to be ‘kkap’ in the first place, he reasoned to himself. He was just showing what he really enjoyed doing. They said that he wanted the spotlight all to himself and it infuriated them. The word ‘cringe’ even appeared in front of the screen, along the lines of those hateful essays made by fans, the fans that should have been the trusted people that will love them and can at least accept them for who they are. Though he never once hated Inspirits for saying these things, he somehow came to hate himself. He hated himself for being someone that frustrates other people. So, he chose to change.

When they promoted their title song ‘The Chaser’, it went his way especially when their stylists decided that he should go with the other-eye-covered hairstyle. It made him look manly and he liked it. He thought that it was finally the right time to commence his plan of changing. The fans noticed and, though they were not saying it, he knew that his hyungs noticed it too because of the frequent worried stares that they send him. He chose to change into someone composed and quiet. He started to talk and even smile less. He wanted the fans to view him as the serious one. He thought that maybe that’s what fans want of him. He wanted to be accepted.

It went downhill, though, when Hoya finally voiced out his thoughts. ‘If I can take back something, then I would want it to be Sungjong’s smile’ Hoya declared. Sungjong failed to hide his tears that night while clutching tight to his teddy bear. He cried. His sobs muffled in his pillow, not wanting his roommate to hear him. He came to realize that night that he should not force himself to be someone that he is not. If they are truly his fans, then they would accept him whatever he wants. The next morning, he hugged Hoya very tight when he saw him rummaging through his closet mouthing a simple ‘thank you’. He released him from the hug, leaving a surprised Hoya in their room, probably wondering in his mind why Sungjong suddenly embraced him. Sungjong made up his mind at that moment, Hoya is his favorite hyung out of all the members.

Myungsoo is another story though.

He was another problem that made Sungjong growl out in frustration, staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night.

‘I like you, no……. I think I love you’.

Sungjong still remember the unprintable shocked face that he had displayed when Myungsoo confronted him one night in the confinement of their kitchen while the others were already in their dreamland. Sungjong didn’t know how to respond. He stood rooted to the rough kitchen floor staring at the waiting eyes of Myungsoo. He averted his eyes to anywhere, just to help himself from staring at Myungsoo’s pained eyes. ‘Sungjong-ah’ Myungsoo called him after an overwhelming silence but he immediately discarded the conversation that his hyung tried to start with a ‘Hyung, we need to sleep. We still have practice early tomorrow’ before partly running back to his room, locking the door and burying his own body in the comfort of his bed. He realized that night, he was afraid of commitment.

Sungjong knew he felt something different for Myungsoo than his other hyungs. He noticed the details of Myungsoo’s habit in his lips which should have not been different when his other hyungs do it. But it made him feel unusual. He will feel lightheaded and giddy whenever Myungsoo would hug him from the back. He would even feel his face flush just by the mere meeting of their eyes. Thankfully, Myungsoo acted as if he had never really confessed to Sungjong. He continued how they normally were and never confronted Sungjong for an answer. Sungjong was very thankful at his hyung for that. It pained him also to see Myuyngsoo’s sad face whenever he doesn’t reciprocate Myungsoo’s advances. It was his choice, yes, but it still made him quite confused about himself. It was a Thursday night though when this forbidden relationship between them started.

Myungsoo was exceptionally in a very very bad mood (Sungjong knew that he was miserable inside but Myungsoo just doesn’t like to show it in front of others. Because he was L, Myungsoo always reasoned) that night. He had a fight with Sunggyu that day while spouting nonsense about how Sunggyu’s solo album didn’t really succeed and everything. He was drunk so he didn’t realize that he had said something awful that really wounded the heart of their leader. Sungjong entered Myungsoo’s shared room with the other members and saw him moping while lying in his bed. ‘Hyung’ Sungjong whispered, half wanting Myungsoo to hear and half wanting not to disturb him. His first choice was claimed resilient though when Myungsoo sat up from his bed and stared at Sungjong with ‘hmmm?’. Sungjong felt hurt seeing Myungsoo with those sad eyes. It looked even sadder compared to when Sungjong stayed neutral to Myungsoo’s feelings. Sungjong sat down on the bed beside Myungsoo and hugged him, wanting to relay the engulfing comfort and sympathy for his hyung. He felt Myungsoo hug him back placing his cheeks in the crook of the maknae’s neck. They stayed that way for a few minutes before Myungsoo broke the silence. ‘Thank you, Sungjong-ah. I really love you very much’ .

Sungjong felt his feelings go unstable at the sudden second confession of the visual. His mind didn’t seem to work properly at that moment and he just found himself staring at those sad eyes. Sungjong shut his own eyes and slowly closed the distance between their lips. It was only for a split second and the next thing he knew he had already kissed Myungsoo.

Sungjong ran out of Myungsoo for the second time and locked his own room. He touched the corner of his upper body, resting it on the skin where he can feel the frantic beating of his own heart. ‘I guess I do like you too, Hyung’ he admitted. But there’s one thing that has gone wrong inside of his brain, he’s afraid of commitment.

‘Ahm… so. A-Are we together now?’ Myungsoo inquired him while they were in their practice room. Sungjong was eating bread on the corner of the room when Myungsoo approached him. Myungsoo was in a better mood because he and Sunggyu finally made up that morning during breakfast. Myungsoo apologized while hanging his head low and Sunggyu accepted it with an eye-squinted smile while patting the back of his dongsaeng, saying that he understood that Myungsoo was only drunk and angry because of his wrecked drama production.

‘I-I was wrong, hyung. Sorry….. Last night, I-I just….. I didn’t know what I was doing. Sorry’ Sungjong stood up from his seat, leaving Myungsoo boring holes to his back while staring at him walk away.  Myungsoo acted abruptly and stood up from his seating position, grabbing Sungjong’s wrist. ‘Wait’ He heard Myungsoo’s voice. ‘Can I still kiss you then?’ Sungjong found the question stupid. How can anyone just ask him that out of nowhere? Sungjong found it stupid even more because he didn’t really know how to respond.

He nodded.

And Sungjong regretted that once again. Well, maybe not.

That began his physical relationship with the visual. No, it’s not friends-with-benefits kind of thing. It was rather a way of portraying how they cherished each other without really making it official and distinct. Yes, they kiss. Yes, they hug. Yes, they hold hands. No, they still haven’t made it to the point of making out. Sungjong didn’t want that to happen because he didn’t want to raise the hopes of Myungsoo up. Sungjong was afraid of his hyungs. He was even more afraid of what the fans and those judgemental people will say about them. He knew they won’t be accepted and he didn’t want to bring Myungsoo down with him. He had admitted to himself already that he likes Kim Myungsoo months ago. He likes him very much. But it was not enough though for him not to be afraid of the judgment of others. He knew already how it is to be judged by people and it didn’t felt good. He didn’t want Myungsoo to feel what he felt when he found out about what fans said about him.

Sungjong sighed in the sofa, coming back to reality. He still remembers every single feeling of bliss whenever Myungsoo kisses him. Myungsoo’s not insensitive. Sungjong knew that Myungsoo knows a hint of how Sungjong truly feels about him. But Myungsoo never asked him, though. He realized that maybe Myungsoo may not be insensitive but he was a coward. Sungjong heaved a second sigh. He wanted to focus back on the variety show in the television which was left unnoticed due to the sudden flashback of things to his mind when he felt an arm wrap around his slender waist.

It was a good thing that Infinite H is out, promoting while his other hyungs bought food, leaving him and Myungsoo alone in their dorm. Sunggyu wanted Myungsoo to come too but the visual feigned resistance, saying he’ll stay so Sungjong won’t be alone.

‘What’s the problem, Sungjong-ah?’ Myungsoo asked while staring at him, concern evident in his attractive eyes.

‘You’re not the problem, hyung. It’s me’ Sungjong thought. He wanted to laugh at how cliché this line was. But that was what he truly felt. Myungsoo’s coward-ness never really was the problem from the start. Myungsoo may not even be a coward because he had had the courage of confessing his true feelings to Sungjong. Sungjong realized another thing at that moment. Myungsoo’s not an insensitive person, not even a coward. It is him.  He is the coward one. Lee Sungjong.

‘Nothing hyung’ Sungjong reverted to not voicing out his thoughts. He didn’t want to burden Myungsoo. He didn’t want to burden anyone.

Myungsoo unclutched his hands from Sungjong’s waist and laced it to the softness of the maknae’s hair, pushing his head into Myungsoo’s chest in a hug. ‘I’m here for you, Sungjong. You know how I feel, right? I love you’ Myungsoo kissed the top of his head, burying his lips in Sungjong’s brownish hair.

Sungjong felt his own hands wrapping around the visual’s waist. ‘I love you too hyung’ He wanted to say but his voice didn’t seem to go out of his cherry lips. He stayed quiet and closed his eyes letting himself be immersed to the overflowing love that they felt for each other, though he never really voiced it out to anyone while Myungsoo, on the other hand, is more than vocal in showing his love for the youngest member.

Sungjong buried his face in Myungsoo’s neck and pushed his body closer to the warmth of Myungsoo’s arms. ‘I’ll sort myself out, hyung. When I finally have the courage, I’ll say it out to you in one breath. I just hope that you can wait till that time. Don’t leave me, hyung’ Sungjong didn’t even realize that he was already voicing his thoughts out of his mouth until Myungsoo replied, showing a sincere smile in his face.

‘I won’t leave you, Sungjong-ah. I love you’

Myungsoo slightly made his hug lose and stared at the shining cat-eyes of Sungjong. He smiled and kissed the cheek of the maknae, making Sungjong’s cheek flush in bright pink. They hugged close for a few more minutes till they heard the sudden loud ‘click’ that resounded by unlocking the front door which made them abruptly part from each other's warmth, innocently sitting at the opposite sides of the couch, and the voices of their hyungs arguing whether they should have bought chicken instead of ice cream filled the entrance. 

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>________< Gah! I finally wrote it down. What do you guys think? this is my first time writing a one-shot so yeah... just comment your thoughts. :)))))))))))