30 April, 2010

Dear Friend,

After filming Family Outing last 3 days I don't have much time to talk to you. I've been busy with the live show and other stuff. You know what I can't believe that my omma ask Tae Hyun to set me up for the blind date. Why suddenly I felt that they all pressure me with this marriage thingy? I know I already reach the age to have a family of my own but I can't just grab some woman and ask them to marry me. It's not like I need to live with her for couple of days or weeks, it's the matter of sharing the lifetime together. Somehow I didn't get why some people are easy to make up their mind to settle down. And I did questioning myself too "why can't I be that easy?" Am I too picky? Maybe I am, to be true I felt a little scare. Scare if I made a wrong choice. Scare if the history keeps repeating itself. I may look tough but no one knows how crumbled I felt when I'm down. Thinking about my past love really scares me. I'm afraid if I did fall in love again and the person that I love leaves me, I might kill myself. It sounds really stupid and insane but I did think about killing myself before. It’s really saddening me when someone that I love the most leave me hanging without knowing why. It feels like she rips out my heart violently. How could she just leave me? Maybe I'm bad to her. I don't really get the reason why and now she's happy with another man and while I'm still with her memories. When I get busy I can get her off my mind but at time like this? The past kept haunting me. No one really knows the broken in my heart. No one can understand. When it comes to love, I will really love hard. Maybe this is the reason why when you gave your everythings to the one you love when they gone you left with nothing. And it really nothing left. I really wish I can fall in love again but the image of her kept me from fall in love. Sometimes I hate myself for being this way but the more I hate myself the more I can't move on. Yes I did live my life as usual but who can really understand how empty I felt? No one knows. I'm the type who easily likes someone but I can't love someone that easy. Like and love have a huge different of definition. I can like lots of girl but to see deep in their eyes and fall in love is another story. I know I can't just keep waiting like this. I need to find my other half but I don't know where to begin. Maybe I'll start with mending my broken heart first. When I'm strong enough then I let myself fall in love again.

Dear future-of-mine, where on earth are you now? Hope you hear me call out for you. Please wait for me. When the time come, when the right time come we will meet. Too much of emotions now friend; I think I better doze off. I'll talk to you again another time.

Till then, annyeong ^^~

The guy who heartbroken,

Kim Jong Kook

*******

April 30, 2010

Dear Diary,

Today I didn't really feel like to write to you. I don't know why. All I want to do is sit silently and let my thought travel to every place in my head. But suddenly when I sit alone at the balcony to feel the breeze, my heart seems to felt something. It felt like someone talking to me. But I didn't hear any voice. I felt the warm in heart like someone pampered it with the love. It feels sincere, honest and some safe assure that the love is true. This is really insane. How can I felt that way when no one with me actually. I just alone in my house and I don't even have my love one. It's weird but it feels good though. And now I can't forget the way I felt just now. I don't know how it happen but I believe what I felt is true. It's not just some dream or what. It's really true. I can still feel the warmth up until now. To think about it makes me smile and I hope the one who talked to me can feel that I'm smiling because of the words that travel from nowhere-to-be-found-place and what-so-ever the words are. Is it normal to feel this way diary? Did everyone ever felt the way I felt? Is it magic? Okay this is really insane to talk about. I'm so blank now and little tired.

Nothing special happened in this past three days. Just some daily routine, this is why I didn't write to you until the moment voice-from-nowhere happened and I really want to share with you because you are just loyal as you are right diary? By the way, how was Jong Kook oppa? I hope he's doing well. It’s kind of disappointment when he didn't even ask for my number after we finish filming Family Outing. He didn't interested with me I guess. Of course he didn't because he already has Hyo Ri unnie. Aihh. I felt a little jealous of Hyo Ri unnie because she can meet him every week. I hope I can meet him every week even just for the work. Being near to him really made my day. Dear God, please give me one more chance to work again with him please. I promise I'll be a good girl.

I hope God did hear me again this time. Tomorrow I need to wake up early. So I'm off to bed now. Annyeong diary.

P/S: I miss seeing you oppa.

The girl who missing you,

Song Ji Hyo

Annyeong readers ^^ another chapter updated. I'm allowed any critic with open arms :)