He Knew…

All along I thought he did not know about my tiny crush on him.

It all started when we were in second grade. He and I instantly became friends after finding out we were the same type of people: the indifferent yet typical social butterfly kind of person. It was – fantastic. To know that I was not the only one in second grade who was bipolar. I could not help feeling like that. At that time, I did not realize what bipolar meant. It was not until fifth grade that I learned what this word meant. I could easily revert back and forth between a good and irritable mood. It all depends on who causes my mood to change.

There he was. We were the best of friends in fifth grade. Although being taught in a completely different class, we still had time before, during and after school to meet and talk. I miss those times, especially in third grade. We would always go to the park and sit on the swings, competing against each other to see who can swing the highest. The loser would buy ice cream from the ice cream truck that always come and go around the area. It was during the summer, a two month long break for us kids to enjoy our youth. We would always play tag with other kids in the neighbourhood. “Tag, you’re it!” Those were the times when we were unaware of the complications of love.

High school. That is where I am now. As a junior and an upcoming senior this September, I have learned the truth behind a secret. We still talk, my best friend and I. Up until this point of time, we have been keeping contact with each other. Yes we do attend the same school. Yes we still live in the same neighbourhood, in the same house – nothing has changed drastically. Except for one thing.

Our heart.

I think it is about time I admit we, those little kids that have whined and complained about the littlest things in life, have matured. Our mind works differently than when we were seven or eight. We process information much quicker in a snap of a finger or a blink of an eye; we can determine the difference between the good and the evil. I, for one, can distinguish the difference between the angels and the devils. They were everywhere but it only takes a good eye to separate them into smaller groups of their own kind.

My best friend, he was steering more towards evil. It was not because they had cookies and milk, or cereal for that matter. He was becoming dark, someone I did not recognize anymore. He was no longer the Wu Yi Fan or Kris Wu I have known for nine long years.

He had changed.

Appearance wise, Kris had turned from a cute little boy into a fine, grown up man. He was attractive in many ways. The way he scrutinize you with his furrowed eyes, the way he his lips in a y and irresistible manner, the way he always buy and wear those deep V collar shirts, especially bought in the colour white. Whenever it rained, his white tee would become transparent, flashing his lean figure without having the initial intention for doing so. Judging from his muscular body, Kris definitely went to the gym to work out. For what? To impress the ladies, duh.

It only takes an ignorant to completely bypass the fact that he was now a handsome, gorgeous, stunningly y man. He was no longer that little boy from second grade. Regardless of his stoic expressions sometimes, women ogle at his perfections. His dashing smirk, his plump hot lips, his freakishly tall height and well-built body – Kris Wu was screaming flawlessness.

So if this y man can attract attention from all the ladies (perhaps men too), why is he dark?

Because he knew. He knew my deepest secret and kept it hidden from me.

He knew.

 

 

“Kris…” I began, fiddling with the hem of shirt. I looked down at my lap in an attempt to mask my nervousness around him. He was not what he used to be. If all cute little boys with two front missing teeth can magically turn into a handsome prince in just one full moon, then every single lady would want a piece of that hot stuff.

He hummed. With my head down and lips chapped from all that biting, I can tell he was staring at me, waiting for me to speak.

“I-” Was it the right thing to do? It would not be too late to hastily make a one-eighty degree turn and choose not to confess. Right now, in front of this man I’ve known for nine agonizing years. “I-”

“What is it?” His chuckling zapped me onto cloud nine. Dear lord, spare me a peaceful life!

“I… I think I-” Now I seem to understand how girls felt when they gathered their courage to confess to their crush. The anxiety that slowly builds up, the butterfly fluttering in the pit of your stomach, the moment when you feel dry sweat forming all over your body and your heart palpitating because of one person – all of this in which the person who decided to confess experiences. I breathed in deeply, “I like you.”

Quietness. This is one of the few words I will use to describe the calm yet nerve wracking tension between us. I was waiting for Kris to say something, anything that would help me confirm that he digested the confession. But all I got was silence.

Five seconds.

Ten seconds.

Eleven and a half- “I know.”

 

 

 

That bastard. For all those many years that I have liked him, never once did I expect him to know. Throughout those years, he never did show any signs of knowing about my deepest secret. Since it no longer is a secret anymore, I have finally let it go. I promised not to like him anymore. It will take a lot of time to get over someone as handsome as him. But what does handsome have to do with personality? I have learned my lesson from Kris. He taught me a lot of things that I have not once, in my life, come across. Appearance is like a getting a bonus on your paycheck or just simply because you are lucky. Personality, on the other hand, is the key to eternity. If a man cannot bring you happiness and cannot endure your changes over the years, nor spend his life with you every single millisecond in a year, then he is not the perfect man for you. A man who can treat you with love and respect, and will not criticize you for not being who you were when he met you – if he never regretted anything about meeting you – then congratulations on finding your other half.

The duration of my lesson was a few minutes.

Liking someone and loving someone is two completely different things.

When you like someone, you always have these butterflies tingling in the pit of your stomach, never leaving you alone. When those tingly feelings slowly weaken, it is a sign of losing that liking sensation for that one person. When you love someone, you dress to impress and anxiety builds up in you. Always wondering if that person reciprocated your feelings, wondering if he thinks about you as much as you think of him, wondering what he is doing at the moment. When you are madly in love, the person whom you love never ceases to walk out of your mind. You constantly think of them – in the day, during lectures, at work, when you’re cooking or eating, and even when you sleep you will dream of them.

That is love.

What I felt for Kris was simply an infatuation, a crush – I only liked him as a friend. I did not truly love him. When he confessed about knowing my liking towards him, I felt betrayed at first. Then I simply brushed it off. It felt as if I was a leader and my subordinates were no longer under my surveillance.

I felt free. A bird that no longer had broken wings. The same bird that was no longer trapped in a suffocating, filthy cage.

On the contrary, even though I brushed it off as if I never liked Kris, I was still angry at him. If he knew all along, why did he not tell me? Instead, he even helped me make a fool out of myself. I felt ashamed. All along, he knew. He knew I liked him but did nothing to make me suspect that he knew what I thought he did not know.

I was his personal clown, you could say that. Kris Wu enjoyed every moment of it. I was his personal entertainer.

Allow me to briefly summarize important moments of Kris’ and my history.

Grade two

Kris Wu and I met for the first time ever since we were born. We clicked instantly, becoming the best of friends.

Grade three

Kris Wu and I would always hang out after school at the neighbourhood’s park. The summer breeze was amazing as we sat on the bench, away our melting ice cream. He told me there was someone he liked. It was the girl that sat beside him in class.

Fourth grade

Kris Wu confessed. He told me to keep his secret our secret, something only the two of us knew. He said that the new girl was really pretty and that he liked her – a lot. He confessed a few weeks later only to get rejected because she did not like him back. Burn.

Fifth grade

Kris Wu and I were no longer in the same class. The school decided to split us apart because we stuck to each other like glue. They did not like that idea. He told me he will miss seeing my face every day. But we do see each other for more than six hours a day. Hm… Weird.

Grade six

Kris Wu and I were finally in the same class again, after one torturous year. I think the principal pitied us, seeing how the two best friends were separated. By splitting us apart, we no longer could concentrate in class. My school grades have dropped and the teachers must have complained about it because I must say, I am an excellent student to teach. But I thank them for considering how heartbroken I was, not being able to see my friend for every millisecond that was in a second, that was in a minute, that was in an hour, that was in a day. All of that within ten long months.

 Seventh grade

Kris Wu and I have matured a lot more. Many girls have begun relying on makeup to look pretty. Appearance was a major problem and the most popular stress factors for a majority of the girls. Exclude me out of that. Kris Wu confessed once again. He told me he liked Park Eunae. She was a Korean girl from the class beside ours. He said she was beautiful. Try having her take off all that make up. That girl was not all that pretty. She was not natural and makeup less – like me.

Elementary graduation year

Kris Wu and I were happy together. We were still the best of friends in the whole wide world. Kris no longer liked Eunae. His new target was this girl who goes by the name Christy. She was Chinese but dyed her hair blonde with brown highlights. Kris said she was very hot. Poor Kris, he had failed to realize how much of a she was and how much makeup she throws on her face. Kris told me to help him pursue her. One month later, Christy hit the jackpot. Kris promised me he would be my date for our graduation celebration if I did not have a date. He broke that promise.

Freshman year

Kris Wu and I have taken a different path but we still communicated. He and I would hang out during lunch, merging both our group of friends (mine were a bunch of girls and his were a bunch of guys). Typical. Kris and Christy have broken up, the reason being they were not compatible with each other. Obviously a merciful man can only tolerate a for so long until the timer in him goes off.

Sophomore year

Kris Wu and I argued. For the first time in our eight years of knowing each other, we fought. We had smaller fights before but they were easily solved the next hour or day. This year, we did not speak to one another for three months. It was unbearable – painful on my part. There were many times I wanted to apologize because it was not my fault but my pride got in the way. Three months, one week, two days, and four hours later, Kris and I talked again. I apologized for his mistakes.

Junior year

Kris Wu and I have different plans for when we graduate high school. His dream is to become a host or a singer slash rapper, gain recognition to perhaps become a worldwide actor. He wanted fame. Kris’ voice was beautiful and I cannot lie that I fell in love with his voice the moment he sang to me in a crowd of people. No doubt, he was talented. One sunny day, I hugged him because he was the best guy friend any girl can have. Then I took it one step further. I confessed to him.

Three simple words were all it took to end our friendship.

 

 

 

“Jerk.” I spat at the man in front of me. I have finally opened my eyes into the real world. The man standing in front of me with a cunning smirk on his face was not the young man I have known anymore. He was a stranger.

“Why thank you.” Arrogant.

Kris Wu, I will prove you wrong. I will find someone new to like. When the time is right, I will fall in love with someone that is not you. That someone will love me more than I have ever liked you.

“You will never find someone as amazing as me. Admit it.” Conceited.

There are plenty of fishes in the sea, Kris. You are not the only one.

“Stop those stupid dreams of yours. You’ve been crushing on me for nine years. What makes you think you can stop liking me just because you said you can?” Douche.

Oh you have it all wrong, Kris. I’ve been cheating behind your back. I’ve liked other people even when I liked you. I see nothing wrong with that. Do you?

“The only person you will ever love will never love you back.” .

Good, because if you ever end up liking me, I will never like you back. Good, because I will only recognize you as nothing more than a mere stranger. Good, because I will prove you wrong, Kris Wu. You are the one at a loss.

“I knew you liked me but I will never like you, Minah Kim.”

You got that right. Liked. That was all in the past now, Kris.

“You are pathetic.” I spat at him. Those three simple words were the first three words that left my chapped lips. Smiling in victory, I turned my back on Kris Wu.

In the end, he never knew what I knew.

Because I was hypnotized by his handsome features.

Because I thought I liked him.

Because he was the only guy I was ever comfortable with.

Because he was the only guy I was ever close to.

Because he was my best friend.

Because I never loved him.

In the end, he never knew what I knew.

Like and love are two different things.

Thank you for everything you have taught me, Kris Wu. Thank you.