Do I deserve this right now?

Later that day, Taemin and I went to the cafe after school, just the two of us. The rest of Taemin's friends had gone right after school, but Taemin and I had to wait becuase of dance practice.

I fully enjoyed these moments, where it was just the two of us, and I really hoped that by the end of the day today, I'd be getting my kiss. He's just... so cute, so hot, so much fun to be around- how could he deprive me of kissing my y boyfriend for months? I'd say that's just not fair.

Anyway, the two of us entered the lonely cafe to see only a couple other groups of people present. It was always this way, though. It was almost always empty, and I was pretty sure this was the most people I've ever seen here at once. Part of me thought that this place needed more credit for how adorable, friendly, and convenient it was, but the other part was glad that it was rather secluded. It was more of an intimate experience this way.

"Good afternoon, boys," Leeteuk called from behind the counter. I couldn't help but notice how the bags under his eyes got darker every time we saw him. Now that his wife had to stay home with their young child, he's been working the shop alone every day. He still smiled, though. I liked that about him. If anything, he seemed even happier even though he was exhausted, and it was because he had a family now.

"Hey hyung," Taemin greeted amicably.

Leeteuk came around and gave the two of us hugs and led us to the table that the two of used whenever we came together. "May I get you the usual?" the man asked kindly, to which Taemin agreed happily.

At that moment, I felt some sort of creature curling around my legs, and I smiled as I glanced under the table to see Cat rubbing against my ankles and purring contentedly. Cat had become the store's kitten since this was where he lived now since Leeteuk hyung and Sora noona saved him from the streets at the beginning of this school year.

Cat had taken quite a liking to Taemin and I, and always greeted us as soon as we entered. Maybe some people would find it odd to have a kitten lounging on the counter of a coffee shop, free to roam the entire store, but I found it quite endearing, especially since we'd experienced Cat growing up here.

"Hello, Cat," I said in that adorably sweet voice saved only for when speaking to animals. I picked Cat up and sat him on the table, admiring the way his face nuzzled into my hand as he sat perfectly perched on the clear tabletop. His tail waved back and forth, gliding across the glass as Taemin giggled at our interaction.

"You two are so sweet. I love my favorite men," he joked, petting Cat as well.

"Yes, but you love me more, right?" I laughed, sticking my tongue out at him.

Taemin smiled and didn't even look in my eyes, staring at the fluffball in between us instead. "I don't know, that's a tough one," he responded casually, knowing fully well he was teasing me like this.

I pouted and pulled Cat closer to me so he was out of Taemin's reach and cuddled the kitten to myself. "You'll never betray me, right Cat?" I said to the animal in my arms, who purred and snuggled up into my neck. "That's right. We don't need mean old Taemin-hyung anyway."

Taemin gasped in mock offense, and Leeteuk came by right at that moment with our orders and I reluctantly let Cat go in favor of grabbing my coffee from the man. The cat then leapt from the table and followed Leeteuk back behind the counter, begging for milk. I grinned at the animal before turning back to Taemin.

Looking into his eyes, I think I understand now why his smile isn't always sincere. Earlier today, his friends informed me of his parents' deaths, and it's been at the very front of my mind ever since. I was also rather upset, though, that he didn't trust me enough to tell me that he didn't have any parents after the number of times that I've mentioned it.

Don't you think at least once, the thought to tell your boyfriend that he's making you upset would have crossed his mind at one point? Or maybe it had, and he didn't want to point it out to me because he was trying to comfort me in those times. But I know that if someone was venting to me about their suicidal mother if my mother actually had commit suicide, then I wouldn't take it as well as Taemin does.

"Kai, are you okay?" his sweet voice broke me from my thoughts.

"Yeah..." I replied unconvincingly, still dazed.

"Is it whatever happened earlier today that made you cry?" he asked me in a concerned tone, reaching forward to clasp his cold hand over mine on top of the table. "Please talk to me, Kai-ah, I want to be able to help you."

"And I want to help you too!" I exlaimed loudly. "All you've been doing this whole time is comforting me, but I want to be there for you too," I complained, settling down a bit and holding his hand back.

"Well, if something happens that I need to talk about, you know I'd come to you, right?" he said thoughtfully, tilting his head to the side, as if wondering whether or not this was all that was bothering me right now.

I almost wanted to scoff at that, but I was able to hold myself back. "Tae, why won't you let me meet your family?" I asked, noticably quieter than before. I was hoping to get him to tell me about his parents himself, so that he didn't know that I knew things about him that he didn't know that I knew. Confusing- yes. But necessary.

His mouth was left hanging open a small amount as he contemplated what to say to that. "It's... It's not that I don't want you to... I'm just.. Kai, why is this coming up all of a sudden?" he asked, clearly trying to avoid the question. I sighed, but I wasn't taking that as a reasonable answer. I wanted to know right now if he trusted me enough with information like this.

"Hyung, really. That's not the point right now. I've just been feeling like you don't want to introduce me to your family because you're embarrassed of me," I lied quickly, knowing he'd take the excuse.

"No, no!" he assured quickly, only letting go of my hand in favor of waving his in front of him in denial. "Of course I'm not embarrassed of you! No, of course not..." he trailed off.

"Then what?" I questioned angrily. My assumptions were true, and he really didn't trust me with that kind of information about his life. "Because that's all I can come up with." I used those words in place of what I really wanted to say, which goes along the lines of: if we can't have trust in this relationship, how am I supposed to take it seriously?

Because I did want to take this seriously. This is the longest relationship I'd ever been in and I actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. He was the most remarkable person I'd ever met and I loved being able to call him mine. I wanted to keep the title of his boyfriend, but why was it so hard for him to tell me the truth about something that he'd been lying to me about for the entirity of the months of our relationship.

"No, Kai, please, it's not anything like that," he pleaded with me, eyes becoming desperate. But I couldn't have sympathy right now. Not when I felt as betrayed as I did.

"Taemin, honestly, I think you need to work this out. Call me when you've made up your mind. You've got my number," I said menacingly, turning around and stalking out of the store, not even bothering to leave any money for my purchase, leaving him to pay for both.

I admit, I felt a little bad about that part, but maybe it would teach him a little something.

Not even looking back, I made my way quickly back to my apartment building angrily with my bags dangling from my hands clenched tightly around the straps. Even though the sky was clear and the air cold and dry, I wouldn't be surprised if it just started raining out of nowhere just to match my mood. Either way, I made it back to my building and somehow found myself storming why way straight to D.O hyung's house.

By the time I was ringing his doorbell, I was nearly in tears. I just couldn't believe that I've spent all these months in our relationship being nothing but the best boyfriend I can be to Taemin and yet he still doesn't trust me with what's really important in his life. He hasn't even kissed me, for Christ's sake! Did he never even like me in the first place? Is he just playing with me? Does he think-

"Coming!" I heard muffled from the other side of the door. It was thrown open seconds later by D.O and I let him take in the sight of me without saying anything. I had misty eyes and I was still bundled up in my winter coat from outside- which reminded me that Taemin's jacket wasn't nearly think enough to be of any protection in this season- God! There I go again! I need ot stop thinking of him until he trusts me or else I'm going to drive myself crazy!

"K-Kai, what's wrong?"

I didn't say anything, feeling my throat closing up, signalling that if I tried to speak, I'd probably start crying. Why was I even this upset in the first place? It's not like he just ran out on me... But it's all the same, really. It doesn't matter who said what to me right now, what mattered was that I knew fully well that I wasn't going to say anything to him until he reached out to me.

When D.O noticed I wasn't saying anything, he grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me inside without another word, closing the door behind me. I followed blindly as he led me into their small living room and sat me on the comfortable couch. "What's going on? Talk to me," he insisted, sitting beside me.

"Taemin.." I choked out.

"Oh my god, did you guys break up?" he asked, shocked.

When I shook my head to say 'no,' he continued speaking as I buried my face in my hands while my elbows rested on my knees. "Then what? Is it what Key told us all earlier today?"

"Kind of..." I whimpered, and then removed my face from my hands and tried desperately to keep myself from crying still. "Hyung, he doesn't even trust me- he's never kissed me and he won't even tell me about his parents or anything involving his home. Hell, he won't even let me walk him home; I don't even know where he lives! He knows where I live, he's met my mom, but he won't even let me in on something like this in his life! Why can't he trust me after all I've done?" I questioned, gaining momentum as I went so that by the end of all of that, I was speaking loudly and insanely fast.

"Kai... Kai, calm down, it'll be fine, I promise," he stuttered, obviously flustered at seeing the crystal tears I stopped trying to hold back. "I'm sure he does trust you, it's probably just hard for him to come out and just say that his parents are dead. You guys will be fine, I know it. Just talk it out with him and-"

"No, you don't understand, hyung, I was so mean... I yelled at him for not trusting me, what kind of boyfriend am I?!" I exlaimed exhasperatedly.

D.O looked a bit taken aback. "Why... Why would you yell at someone if you wanted them to trust you?" he asked simply with his eyebrows raised, knowing that I didn't have a reasonable answer to this question. Still, he sat there, expecting me to respond anyway.

"I- I don't know.." I suttered, feeling miserable. "I'm a , I know, I get it," I admitted tearfully. "But he was lying to me all this time when he mentioned his parents. How would you like to be lied to continuously by one of the closest people you have?"

Only after that came out of my mouth did it hit me.

That was me.

Maybe not so much anymore, but it still was me.

What I was feeling now with Taemin was a fraction of what I'd done to my old friends back before we moved here... That's why I was getting so upset- it all made sense now. I had always heard that what we manage to find as undesirable in others are actually our own faults that we notice more clearly in them because we hate it about ourselves.

I'm a major .

"Oh my god, I sound like an idiot right now," I moaned, putting my face in my hands again.

"Well, no, not necessarily. I get what you're saying," D.O tried to comfort me. "I mean, I wouldn't like it if I was in a relationship with someone who lied to me, but I think at this level, Kai, Taemin was pretty justified. I'm not saying that he's made the best decision in keeping it from you, but there's probably something keeping him from it. Some sort of unsettled emotional angst at least. And that's perfectly understandable for someone who's parents died on him, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I get it. I get it, that was so, so wrong of me. I don't even know what to do with myself!" I groaned into my palms while my hyung put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it lightly.

"Don't worry about it right now. Call him and apologize or something, I think that's the least you owe him. Maybe now that it's all been blown open, you two can talk about it, right?"

I sighed. "Yeah except it hasn't been blown open. I didn't tell him I knew about his parents being dead. I was hoping he would tell me but he didn't, so now I'm kind of at a loss. I don't really want him to know that I know this information before he tells me himself, you know?"

It took D.O a moment to process that before he nodded. "Yeah, I guess," he sighed, not knowing quite what to say in response to that, but kept his warm hand in place on my shoulder hoping that would help.

"I'll call him tomorrow or something..." I said quietly.

"That's very mature of you, Kai," D.O smiled, and I lifted my head from my hands to look at him smiling at me kindly. "Want to stay for dinner? My mum's cooking tonight."

I grinned back at him even though I'm sure I looked pathetic with my red face and dried tears. "May I?" I asked to be polite.

"Of course!" his smile widened, seeing his attempts at cheering me up had ultimately pulled through. "Let's go help, it'll be fun," he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the kitchen while I used my free hand to make sure any traces of my brief crying episode were gone.

"Hey umma," D.O said when we entered the kitchen. His mother turned around from the counter to smile at the two of us.

"Oh hello! I thought I heard your voice, Kai dear. Are you staying for dinner?" she asked thoughtfully.

I bowed in hello and looked to D.O to answer the question. "Yes, is that alright?"

"Oh, it's always alright! I already said you're welcome any time, sweetie."

"Th-thank you," I stuttered out, feeling overwhelmingly accepted even though I was still feeling like a douchebag for the way I had acted earlier with Taemin. Sure, I was still kind of angry, but my guilt outweighed that.

"Is there anything we can do to help?" D.O asked as he pulled himself towards the counter to give his mother a hug.

His mom laughed before replying. "Of course, there's always extra work to do around the kitchen! You boys can chop up these vegetables for me," she said, shoving the materials in D.O's direction. "Knock yourself out!"

It was actually more fun than I thought it would be, making dinner with D.O and his mom. I had expected it to be just like any other dinner preperation I'd ever experienced... Putting ramen on the stove and waiting for it to cook. But no, I remembered how excellent of a cook this woman was, and her son seemed to pick up a lot of that skill.

We had such a great time, I didn't even think of chopping vegetables and cooking meat as a chore, since we all worked together and it took one third the time it normally would. And that actually made me upset. I was having so much fun dancing around the kitchen, throwing zucchini chunks at the back of D.O's head, speaking in crazy accents.

It made me miss moments like this with my old friends. But I have new friends now- better friends, even.