You Are The Ocean
Seventeen
You Are The Ocean
"Cause you are the ocean,
and I'm good at drowning"
MingMing was in love.
He couldn't really pinpoint just when it'd happened, or when he'd realised. The fact that he was in love just seemed programmed into his brain, mixed in with his subconscious like something he'd always known.
However, MingMing still wasn’t accustomed to the warmth it brought even now, the way every glimpse of the person sent his heart racing in his chest, and how shivers raced down his spine when his name tumbled out of those perfect lips. Every sensation, every brush of his hand, felt like the first time, and it never failed to send MingMing blushing and stuttering like a fool.
Yes, the object of his affection was a him. MingMing knew the consequences of being gay, he knew how society still didn't accept it fully, but it wasn't exactly like he could help it. He loved who he loved-
Even if that person was his fellow Chinese trainee, Junhui.
The first time they'd met, MingMing had been taken aback not immediately by Junhui's beauty, but more by his sweet, shy, timid persona. The older boy just seemed so ceaselessly happy and quietly content. Junhui gave off an unmistakable air of innocence, unprofaned honesty ringing clear in the way he spoke, and MingMing retained a selfish glee over the fact that he was the only one who really experienced that. They understood each other easily, being the only two Chinese members, and therefore it was easy to become close friends in a short space of time.
It was when they began getting closer, that MingMing really noticed Junhui's physical beauty. MingMing realised, quite early in their friendship, that nothing rivalled Junhui's looks: He was almost transcendently beautiful. He was tall without being gangly, with flawless skin and every feature perfectly proportioned. Junhui's hair was a lighter shade of brown than MingMing's own, and framed his face delicately when it was both long and short. He had that permanent smile, that small quality of ethereal allure that was almost hypnotising to MingMing, and his eyes shone with seraphic purity.
MingMing would have compared his eyes to chocolate, but chocolate is far too sickly and temporary to ever fit as an accurate description. It didn't give reference to the constant light Junhui's eyes held, a twinkle that was never created, yet never died away. The spark merely grew in intensity when he was happy and faded slightly on the rare occasion that Junhui was sad, and in that way, MingMing supposed that they were like energy that could only be transferred. Junhui's eyes were a perpetual electricity, and MingMing found them astoundingly beautiful.
It a nutshell, Junhui became everything to MingMing. His sky, his sun, his earth, his power, his world- everything. There was nothing on the Earth that MingMing treasured more than his fellow Chinese trainee, and nothing that could be done to change that. But Junhui must never know.
Part of him being so unprofaned was his purity, and surely being the object of another guy's affections would change that. If MingMing so much as acted upon his desires, Junhui's angelic quality might have been destroyed forever. His eyes might darken, his smile may lessen in intensity, and his personality could alter. That is what MingMing feared most. He feared that, by being so close to Junhui, he had some sort of power to remove the boy's innocence, and stop that ceaseless happiness from shining through.
That's why, enamoured though he was, MingMing kept silent.
However, as you can imagine, a God cannot be left in the dark about his follower's worship. Likewise, the silent follower must soon get so enraptured that his feelings become impossible to restrain.
So, In the end, it came to a point where he couldn't help it. They were watching a movie on Junhui's laptop, sitting side by side on the bed, and everything suddenly got too much. MingMing studied the delicate face beside him, noticing the small curve of pale lips directed at the screen, the way his shining eyes darted from one scene to the other. His emotions were on full display, and MingMing realised that there was never a time when Junhui looked more beautiful than that.
Forgetting about the movie, MingMing focused on the boy next to him instead. It wasn't a hard task- the film was dragging, and Junhui was far too interesting anyway. A small smile curling at his lips, MingMing watched the older boy's expressions change with the scenes. He watched him grin softly at the happy parts, hide his eyes with his fingers at the tense moments, and frown deeply whenever something bad happened.
The flow of emotions tugged at MingMing's heart, almost painfully. This boy must have been an angel, there was no other explanation for how beautiful and sweet he was. Maybe he was MingMing's guardian angel, watching over him, caring for him. The thought alone set butterflies in the younger's stomach.
That's when he noticed Junhui's hand, resting casually beside him, palm open. His long fingers were loosely curled, and the way it was kept still prompted MingMing to think that Junhui consciously had it like that. MingMing's stomach flipped as he imagined sliding his hand into the waiting palm, fingers slipping naturally into the spaces between Junhui's own. He imagined the warmth it would bring, both physically, and to his soul, and how the soft skin would send tingles shooting through his veins like fireworks.
Then, Junhui's fingers flexed, just slightly. And maybe it was a subconscious twitch, maybe it was a trick of the light, but to MingMing's love-drunk brain, it was as good an invitation as any.
Moving cautiously, the younger boy lifted his hand and, after a moment’s hesitation, inched it forward towards Junhui’s. MingMing held his breath, hearing his heartbeat ring loud in his ears as their hands got closer, closer....
Time slowed down, and his fingertips brushed Junhui’s palm.
The younger boy glanced upwards fearfully, eyes wide and watching Junhui’s expression intently. He waited for a sign of rejection, a sign of discomfort, a sign of disgust- but none came. The corner of Junhui’s lips tugged upwards slightly, in a gesture that could either mean encouragement, acceptance, or affection. Biting his lip, MingMing took it to mean all three, and bravely slid his hand further forward.
Their palms connected, MingMing’s fingers tracing down the older boy’s before slipping into the gaps between them. All oxygen seemed to disappear, all need to inhale oxygen seemed to disappear, because MingMing realised, after a beat, that they were actually holding hands.
They’d held hands before, if it could even be called that. When MingMing pulled Junhui back into position in a dance routine, or when they played around and mock-fought. But this was different. This time, sitting there on the bed, forgotten film providing a serene ambience, with their palms warm and smooth and soft against each other, it meant something. It had to mean something.
That’s when MingMing’s wall of fear finally broke. That’s when something clicked into place inside his head. That’s when MingMing reached up his free hand, tilted Junhui’s head to face him, and pressed their lips together.
He felt like he was on fire. Junhui’s lips were candied and gentle, yielding so easily under his own. The taste of his mouth, although MingMing only got a hint through closed lips, was as divine as MingMing had expected it to be, and twice as addictive. For the few seconds the kiss lasted, MingMing was in heaven. No, he was somewhere beyond heaven, somewhere even more immortally pure and celestial.
But that was before he realised just how immobile the lips against his were, and just how frozen the boy’s hand was in his own. His heart plummeted, and panic clouded his mind as the full weight of what he’d done struck him suddenly.
He’d actually done it. He had done the one thing he never, ever wanted to do.
MingMing had destroyed Junhui’s innocence. He’d tainted those perfect lips.
Wrenching his head away, MingMing fixed his gaze away from the other boy and wished, prayed with all his might, that this was just a dream. That he hadn’t been foolish and selfish and forced himself upon Junhui. That the older boy wasn’t staring at him with absolute shock on his features. MingMing was done for. He was as good as dead and he knew it, because now, even if this incident didn’t get out, he’d still lost the best friend he’d ever had. He’d lost the one person who meant the world to him, and somehow, that felt worse than dying.
With another lurch of his stomach, he realised that he still hadn’t let go of Junhui’s hand yet, and began to tug it out of his grip to save Junhui any further disgust.
But the fingers curled around the back of his hand only tightened, pulling slightly, refusing to let go no matter how much MingMing tried to free his hand. Swallowing past the lump in his throat, the scared boy took a breath to encourage himself, and turned in Junhui’s direction.
What he saw, shining in the others eyes, was not fear as he had expected. It was not disgust, discomfort, hatred, bitterness, hostility, or any emotion as strong as that. The light in his eyes was softer, mellow and dimmed, and radiating a quiet sort of... stunned curiosity.
MingMing just stared, astonished, until finally Junhui spoke.
“C-can you... do that again?”
The elder’s voice began shaky, but slowly grew in confidence as the question progressed. MingMing’s world stopped.
Because really, that was the last thing he’d expected to hear from Junhui’s lips after he’d just tainted them, but there they were. The words hung around them, heavy in the air between their faces, and MingMing realised suddenly that he was wasting time. Junhui had just invited a kiss, as clear and as simple and as comprehensive as anything. He didn’t hate what MingMing had just done, he wasn’t about to run away in disgust. He’d, quite possibly, liked the kiss, or at the very least was curious about it.
And MingMing was just sitting there stupidly.
“Do it again.” Junhui’s voice was stronger now, and, spoken through an encouraging smile, the words felt almost like a command.
MingMing acted at once, his free hand once again moving to cup Junhui’s cheek as he leant in for the second time. This time, however, he moved slowly, giving the older boy a chance to change his mind. It would have been worse to force him twice.
When Junhui hesitantly reached his hand up to MingMing’s shoulder, the younger boy allowed their lips to touch together again. They barely brushed, just pressing lightly, before MingMing tested the waters by letting his lips linger for a few seconds. Junhui seemed to respond favourably to this, gently pulling the younger forward by his shoulder, and beginning to move his lips in response.
Whatever MingMing had thought before had been a lie. This was beyond heaven. Never before had MingMing believed that Junhui was an angel more than in that moment- the gentle pressure of his hand against his shoulder, the soft, slow, tantalising way his lips were gliding against MingMing’s. The older boy’s scent, all spice and fire and warmth, soothed his senses as MingMing lost himself in Junhui’s kiss.
It felt like falling. It felt like flying. It felt sweeter, more deliciously poisonous, than anything else MingMing could imagine. He realised, as they broke apart for air, that even by doing this, Junhui’s innocence hadn’t been destroyed. He was still him, he was still pure, happy, lovely, just as he’d been before.
But now MingMing got to see him in a different state. Now MingMing got to brush his fingertips through silken hair and watch him pant as their foreheads leant together. He got to experience the most breathtaking, enlightening smile that he’d ever seen curl at Junhui’s lips, tugging them up to expose the most perfect row of teeth. MingMing got to watch as his eyes sparked and twinkled with their perpetual electricity, and, as Junhui let out a huffed chuckle, he got to experience the soft puffs of breath against his cheeks.
MingMing was in love. He still wasn’t accustomed to the warmth it brought even now, but he knew he never would be. Because he knew that, every single day forward, he’d find something new to love about Junhui.
And hopefully, in time to come, Junhui just might love him back.
FIN.
After almost a year, here it is. It's not one of the planned ones though //shot
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