I know this is wrong.

My heart is yelling at me to stop…but I can’t.

I pull him into my embrace. “Please…” I beg again. “Just once…”

He stands still, as I weep desperately into his chest.

Just once.

“Will…” He had finally begun to speak, “Will it make you happy?”

I nod helplessly, and I feel him wrap his arms around my body.

He lifts up my head and I feel my sobs begin to die down. Slowly, his head leans down towards me and he kisses me softly.

There was no warmth, but I couldn’t stop.

As our lips part, I whisper softly, “Please…hold me,”

He slowly lean me to the bedroom, and slowly we undressed. I could feel the emptiness inside us both, but I ignored it.

I lay myself on the bed, and he climbs above me. I look into his eyes, and see…nothing. No emotion. No feeling of any kind.

Please don’t look at me like that.

I turn my head, and I feel his cold hand run down my body…

As soon as we finished, he pulled out and rolled over. There was complete silence.

And instead of feeling what I thought would be happiness, I had felt more empty and alone than ever.

I am a horrible person.

I got out of the bed, and as fast as I could got dressed, and left the room. I couldn’t bear look him in the eye. I took advantage of his kindness and forced him into something, which I can never take back.

I got in my car, and sped all the way back to my own apartment. I parked the car, and rushed into the building and into my unit. Closing the door, I broke down.

Tears streamed from my eyes in a silent repentance. I cried and cried until I couldn’t anymore. My head and my heart hurt.

I am so ashamed.

I can’t believe what I did…

            How horrible I could be to a dear friend who loved me so…

Morning had come and I stood from afar, as I watched the happy couple say their wedding vows.

To love and to hold…

            In sickness and in health…

I watched as the groom looked down lovingly at his new bride. My heart fell, as he lifted the veil and kissed her.

Why?

            Why wouldn’t he look at me that way?

My mind rushed back to the events of the night before.

His cold touch.

                        Kiss.

                                    Heart.

The ceremony was over and the happy couple came to greet all the guests, the bride’s face automatically lit up as she saw me. She released her partner’s hand and ran happily towards me.

“I’m so glad you could make it,” She beamed, and I felt my stomach churn. The guilt of what I had done will never be erased.

I gave a weak smile, and accepted the hug she gave me. “I thought that you would have been on a plane by now,”

“Almost,” I said softly, “I just came to see the wedding, Jane…I need to leave soon,”

“I’m so happy you decided to come,”

“I couldn’t miss it…” I muttered to myself,

“I hope you’ll come visit us. Don’t forget us small people.” She smiled and I almost felt sick. “I will never forget the day you introduced me to Jaejoong.”

Jaejoong.

His cold touch was instantly remembered at the name.

Thankfully, the bride was called away and she left. My eyes drifted off to the groom. A smile on his face as he thanked a wide range of people for coming. I continued to look at him and suddenly, our eyes met. My breath was caught in my throat, and for a second there was a frozen look on his face, but quickly he gave me a small smile and nod.

And that was it. I turned around and ran.

I had known Jaejoong since we were eight years old. We grew up together and he was like the older brother I never had. From the age of sixteen, I knew I was in love with him. For years I stayed beside him with this longing in my heart, hoping that one day that he’d turn around and suddenly be in love with me, like I was with him.

But that dream crashed, the day when Jane and Jaejoong met.

There was a spark. Everyone could feel it.

Especially me.

It killed me inside to know what was happening. They were falling for each other and there was nothing I could do.

Jane was smart law-student, tall, funny and beautiful. Where I was a part-time assistant to the law firm she part-timed at; a short, dull and average girl.

Of course Jaejoong would pick her.

Pick her over me.

But I couldn’t hate her for it, nor could I hate him.

I was doomed from the beginning.

And I couldn’t stop it.

I headed towards my car. I just had to drop it off at my parent’s house, and then they’d take me to airport, so I would never have to come back again.

But as soon as I got inside the car, I realised I crying again. Pushing aside the obvious pain and guilt I was feeling, I started the car and drove.

My head was reeling with emotions of self-hatred, loathing and guilt. There was nothing more painful than that particular moment after Jaejoong and I were done. That feeling of regret and betrayal.

I heard a train whistle and bell ringing, as the road up ahead prepared for a train to cross the road. And as my brain began to make the final decisions of my life, I closed my eyes and pressed the accelerator.

I’m sorry.