finally, I decided to post this :|

but as usual, I didn't proofread so there will be mistakes :/ please feel free to point them out

"Promise me to stop."

"Yes."

Yongguk held onto that promise these past months. When the last wound on the other’s skin healed, he had his promise not to do any kind of self harm ever again. It was more than enough for him seeing scars and wounds all over Himchan’s left arm and some on his forehead.

When he talked closely with him, just a few weeks after their first encounter, he saw three fresh marks on his left hand, right below his thumb. He asked him what that was, thinking that his answer would be a cat's scratch or something considering the fact that he enjoyed annoying animals, but Himchan’s answer caught him off guard. The sad smile on Himchan’s face when he told Yongguk that he tends to inflict pain on himself during hard times. It doesn't have to be something which harmed his life, as long as he could feel the pain, it was enough. Cutting himself on non-dangerous parts of his hand, banging his forehead against the edge of a table, choking himself with a rope or cable, he always tried to find something painful which would leave scars without actually putting his life in danger. Always careful that no one but himself could see the scars except for a short glimpse. He didn't know when did he start, or who gave him such idea. By the time he realized, it had become a habit which he had done numerous times that at times, it wasn't that painful anymore. He admitted in a low voice, how sometimes he loved the way blood dripped from the fresh cut and how the scars stayed for a long time which reminded him over and over again that he had failed on something once. How the pain told him that she was still alive, that he was strong. How the fact about his self-harm ritual had remained a secret between God and himself until that time.

To know that a seemingly normal guy had such a dangerous habit was almost too much for Yongguk to handle.

He was lost, too lost to realize that Himchan’s story had long finished, that a single tear had managed to escape his left eye, and that a new bloody mark appeared beside the previous three. Just when he stood and turned to leave, muttering something like 'you should forget me from now on, act as if we never met' and stuff, that Yongguk snapped from his trance and caught Himchan’s left wrist with his hand. His grip was so strong that the other flinched a bit, glancing at the boy who stayed still, eyes straight to his front, not looking at him.

He needed time to understand. From what he had seen, Himchan didn't seem to have something to be so depressed about. And he himself admitted that he wasn't actually depressed, it was just... a method he used to help himself forgetting the pain faster by doubling it. Why that? Yongguk couldn't help but wonder. Was he really that lonely in the middle of very supporting family and good friends? Was he really that desperate behind the seemingly perfect life? Was there really no one for him to share his pain with instead of inflicting the excess pain on his own body?

Then he realized it could be him. And he wasn't doing it out of pity.

And he did try his best. Slowly but steadily, he began to lead a happy life surrounded by family, friends and Yongguk. And by happy, Yongguk didn't mean a happy boy who loved to inflict pain on his own body, not anymore.

It took months for the wounds on his left arm to finally disappear without any scar. And on that day, they exchanged promises, that Himchan would restrain herself from any kind of self-harm, and that Yongguk would not let even a single thought of self-harm cross the other’s mind.

During the past months, he held onto that promise.

But the promise had to be broken on a certain day. He returned home to find the door and windows locked, lamp turned off, he was almost certain that no one was home. But then his vision caught a lump with messy hair at the corner of the bedroom, a pair of stained scissors lying down nearby. Carefully he made his way to where the lump was; finally sure that it was Himchan. When he knelt down beside the curled up figure, he noticed a lot of new cuts on his left hand which were still dripping fresh blood. It was a lot more than the last wounds they promised to heal together. This time, the wounds were even closer to his wrist. Yongguk felt his heart dropped. Had he failed? Had he done something wrong that encouraged Himchan to hurt himself again? With slightly trembling fingers he slowly Himchan’s messy hair, feeling him flinch under his touch. Slowly and carefully, he lifted the other's chin, and his heart dropped to the bottom of hell when he saw drops of blood mixed with tears staining his cheek, a small cut visible on the beautiful face. It was small, but it marked Yongguk's failure. Himchan had never cut his face before. So why now? He felt his anger rising, but it was directed to himself. Closer to regret.

He felt Himchan trying to push him away and curl back into a ball, but he steadily held him in place. Two hands cupping his face, thumbs the tear-stained cheeks slowly. But the tears didn't stop, he still had a lot more to let out. Then he decided it was not the right time for questions, so he moved to the other’s side, holding him tightly as if he was scared that he might fly away somewhere. He didn't budge at first, not until Yongguk pulled him slightly so that he was leaning to his body, he buried his face in Yongguk’s chest, clutching the fabric of his shirt tightly while silent sobs began to take over.

He didn't get to mutter a single word before Himchan began mumbling, repeating same words again and again. I'm sorry. I'm weak. I'm a failure. He tightened his hold around the other’s body, feeling his own chest tightened as the other kept on chanting.

"I'm sorry. I'm weak. I'm a failure. I wasn't even strong enough to cause my own death..."

At the mention of the word death, Yongguk swore his heart stopped for a second.

"Right when I was determined to do it, suddenly I felt scared. I remembered my mom. My dad. My sister. And you..."

He sobbed even harder, clinging to Yongguk's shirt for dear life before began chanting again. Suddenly Yongguk felt cold. Fear crept from the secluded corners of his heart, taking over step by step. He slowly lifted the other’s chin again so that they looked straight into each other's eyes, surprised at the amount of pain he didn't even try to hide. The man in his arms had turned into a doll made of a very fragile glass, he would shatter from a single missed touch. His lips trembled, looking up at him and smiled slightly, a sad one. "I'm sorry I didn't get to die..."

That was when Yongguk couldn't stay still anymore. He pressed his lips against the wound on Himchan’s cheek, trying to pour every drop of his care and affection to that one kiss. The thought of coming home only to find the lifeless body of the man he loved scared him so much that he felt his whole body weakening. Before he realized, a drop of tear slid out of his left eye and landed on Himchan’s hand, mixing with his.

"Don't." He whispered, voice hoarse. "Please don't do this to me. Please."

"I'm a failure, Yongguk. I couldn't even keep my own promise to you that I would never cut my body again. But today, something happened, everything went so fast... when I realized... my hand was already bleeding and the scissors was on the floor..."

He stopped to take a deep breath and calmed down his sobs a little, then continuing with voice lower than before.

"I realized my failure, then I know how worthless I am, and how I would disappoint my family if I continue living. I want to just end the life of this worthless doll. But the first time the scissors came closer to my wrists, the image of my mother in my mind told me no, then on the second attempt my father stopped me, on the third attempt it was my sister, and on the fourth attempt, you appeared..."

His sobs grew louder when he mentioned his family, and Yongguk held him tight, his back to calm him down.

"I-I was confused. I'm not good enough to continue living, but I couldn't die. I don't want to die yet, I..."

"Stop. Just stop." Yongguk buried his face on Himchan’s hair, attempting to kill his own tears.

"You can't die. At least not now. Unless you want to kill me and your whole family, you can't die yet."

"W-why?" He let out a choked question.

"If you die killing yourself, then I will be the failed one. I failed to keep my promise to keep you away from harming yourself. I failed to keep my beloved person from dying, and it's a lot better for me to die as well."

"Don't die." Himchan said quickly.

"Then you don't die as well. If you died, it's the same with killing me. Even though I appear living outside, inside, my life doesn't worth anything."

"No, your life has so much more than just me. If I'm gone, it's just one part that's lost."

"I love you. Don't die. I love you so much."

Right after the L word rolled out from his tongue, he realized. It was rare for him to tell the other that he loved him. Even though they had lived under the same roof for months, the number of times when he said the word love to Himchan was still countable.

"I love you." He said it one more time before pulling him into a chaste kiss. This time, he wanted to pour every single drop of his love. He wanted the other to know that he cherished him more than he ever imagined. Even though he was never good with words, but when he told Himchan that he loved him, he really meant it.

When they finally separated, he could see a small smile on his lips inside the dark room. Relief washed over as he stood and Himchan followed him immediately.

"Come on, let's treat your wounds."

He moved to turn on the lamp, but the latter immediately dropped back to the floor. Yongguk rushed to his side, wrapping his arms around his worriedly. "Baby, what's wrong?" He softly asked, voice laced with concern. Himchan shook his head. "I look so ugly under the bright light."

Hearing that, Yongguk sighed, relieved that it wasn't something major. He pulled the other to stand on his feet again and hugged him tightly. "You're beautiful. And I love you, I love you so much, why can't you just deal with that?" He chuckled. He felt the latter shifted, pushing him away and wiped his tears with the back of his hand. Then he looked up to him, smiling, the tremendous amount of pain visible on his eyes had gone somewhere, leaving tiny bits. Quickly he wrapped his arms around Yongguk, pulling him close again, his words coming out as muffled whisper against his shirt.

"I'm sorry. And I love you too, I love you so much. Thank you."

thanks for reading :D *coon hugs*