He tried to open his eyes, but everything was so blurry… He waited a few seconds until the image got clear. White. Everything around him was white. The walls, the bed, all the devices. He looked at his left left hand and saw that he had a white bandage around his wrist.

   “I can’t believe I got in the hospital again”, he whispered slowly moving his hand. “Why didn’t I die?”

   Massu a side and covered himself entirely with the blankets. He was happy not to see all that white anymore. The darkness was comforting to him. He closed his eyes as well and fell asleep soon, without thinking about anything anymore, but even with his mind all blank,he could still feel that pain in his chest. A loud sound of the door opening quickly and closing harshly woke him up, but he refused to take his blankets off and, as he’s done before, he pretended to sleep.

   “Massu!” someone screamed his lungs out.

   Under the covers, Massu opened his eyes wide. He knew who it was. The feelings of guilt and shame were stronger than ever before. Massu brought his left hand closer to his body trying to cover the bandage with his other hand, before Tegoshi pulled the blankets off him. He was standing on his knees on the floor. The amount of worry Tegoshi was feeling was immeasurable, and you could tell that by his expression. But Massu couldn’t even look him in the eyes. He kept his head down wishing he could just disappear.

   “I came here as fast as I could!” Tegoshi said, not being able to hold his tears back. “Honestly… I thought I was too late.”

   “Who found me?” Massu asked after a long moment of silence.

   “Uh… It doesn’t matter…” Tegoshi said getting restless. He stood up quickly and wiped his tears.

   “Who found me?” the other suddenly repeated in a loud voice.

   “Your sister” Tegoshi replied , slowly turning his back at Massu.

   “She came to see how you were doing… Wasn’t it so lucky that she decided to visit you right then? She called me right after she called an ambulance… She told me that you fainted or something… She didn’t want to worry me, but the doctor told me… So I hurried to come here. I even abandoned all the crew and…”

   “Crew?” Massu asked, more to himself. Right then Tegoshi realized that his boyfriend didn’t even know where he went and turned to face him. Massu’s face made his heart break. He suddenly went to grab his arm and told him:

   “Look what you did!”

   Massu finally looked Tegoshi in the eyes. He pulled his hand from the other man’s grip and raised to sit normally on the bed. He looked at his wrist, then tried to take off his bandage.

   “What are you doing?” the other said trying to stop him, but Massu didn’t let him. He managed to urwrap the bandage and threw it on the floor. The mark on his arm was more painful for Tegoshi to watch than for Massu to feel.

   “You don’t understand” Massu said while running his fingers on his scar. Tegoshi wanted to protest, but didn’t dare… He felt too guilty.

“Why did you try to kill yourself?” he whispered.

The other did not reply, he just stayed there thinking, still caressing his wound.

   “I don’t know”, he lied.

   “It’s because I left you, right?”

   “No”, Massu burst. “It was because you’re dating someone else, and you lied to me, then you threw me away like I’m garbage!”

   “It’s not like that…” the other whispered, making a huge contrast with Massu’s angry loud voice. “Well, I was just… joking around… at first. I actually got a role in a movie with a really great actress, and I was really nervous and excited, but I wanted to keep it a secret for a while… But then you kinda noticed something, and somehow… I wanted to make you jealous. I wanted you to show me that you care.”

   A deep silence was followed by Tegoshi’s last sentence before bursting out of the door.

   “I never knew it would get that far.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   Massu spend the whole day in the hospital telling the nurses not to allow anyone to visit him. Whether that night was a full of pain, tears and questions one, or just a calm one… Massu couldn’t remember anymore the next day. He was allowed to leave the hospital pretty early in the morning, but surprisingly, he didn’t even care. He was scared, not knowing where to go, but all of his fear vanished in a second after seeing Tegoshi. He was sleeping on a bench in the courtyard of the hospital. He felt releaved after hearing the truth, but wanted to be left alone to think the day before, so he didn’t feel sorry for not allowing Tegoshi to see him. But seeing him there, on that bench, knowing that he’s been waiting for him anyway made him really greatful. He leaned in and softly caressed his hair, going lower on his face, then placing a quick kiss on his cheek. Massu giggled to himself when he saw Tegoshi’s little frown, but his laugh was rather bittersweet, seeing the other act just like him.

   “You’re pretending to sleep too, aren’t you?” he asked.

   “I thought you wouldn’t come anymore. Let’s go home!”, the other replied, opening his eyes after the first sentence.

   “Are you sure you don’t wanna sleep some more?”  Massu asked, laughing.

   “I see you’re really happy”, Tegoshi said while raising from the bench. He grabbed a bag somewhere from the ground and handled it to Massu.

    “Muffins.” Tegoshi said, exchanging smiles with his boyfriend.

   They walked home together holding hands, not caring about what others were thinking. They kept silent through the whole way, knowing that when they arrive there was gonna be a lot of agitation waiting for them.