Final
It's Okay, Don't Cry
Worthless. That's how I feel every day. I'm never good enough.
It never gets better. My issues aren't 'temporary' problems, they're permanent. So why not use a permanent solution?
Suicide.
Honestly, Yuri is all that is keeping me from killing myself, but even that is fading away. I love her, but I'm sure that she doesn't love me yet. But she acts like she does, and I like that feeling, even if it might not even be real. I like-no, I love the way that she kisses me and hugs me and smirks at me and teases me. She's perfection, but she has one messed up girlfriend. And something about that just freaks me out, makes me want to just die right now.
I want my family to be a family again. I want my parents to get back together. I want Krystal to come back. I want my family to pay attention to me like they used to. I mean, my mom is supposed to be home with me tonight, but she's either wasted at a bar or ing a stranger that she met at the bar. I'm not the daughter anymore.
I don't want to be known as a Saint. I don't want people to expect me to get straight A's. It's too much pressure. It's all just too much.
But none of my wishes will come true. No matter how much I want it all to stop, I'm still hurting. I'm hurting so badly.
And that is why I'm holding a razor blade in my hand right now. Even Yuri can't stop me from doing this anymore.
"One cut, and you'll be okay. It'll be all over," I hear myself say. I keep reassuring myself, "It's not even a sin. Sins can't even be real. God wouldn't put all of this on you." I feel myself picking up the razor blade again. "And Yuri will move on. It'll be okay. She'll be okay. And Krystal will be fine, too. She's in Africa, making other people happy. And Taeyeon will get over it. She has Yuri. They'll help each other. And Mom and Dad can get over each other, so they can get over you. It'll all be fine."
I feel tears running down my cheeks. I know that this is one of the last moments on earth for me.
Except I also feel hesitant, like there in fact is a little bit of hope. My mind tells me that maybe I shouldn't do this. But I also know that these feelings will come back soon. It's a never-ending cycle. But it can end if I do this.
But at the same time, something, maybe that voice in the back of my head, is telling me to just pick up my cell phone and call Yuri, to tell her that I need her right now. But I don't know if I should listen to the voice. It hasn't gotten me anywhere in my life, has it?
I don't know.
But I guess that voice has more power over me, because I feel my hands pick up my phone and dial Yuri's number. I can hear my heartbeat quicken - no, not at the excitement of hearing my girlfriend's voice, but of fear that she'll call me a crazy - and tears are falling down my face faster.
I hear my voice. "Y-Yuri?" I can tell that I'm sobbing.
Yuri sounds like she's panicking. "Jessica? What's wrong?"
"I-I n-need-" I feel myself starting to choke on my words and I can't finish my sentence. I take a deep breath, and try again. "I-I need y-you."
I can hear Yuri moving around. I figure that she's moving around. "I'm coming over, Jessica. I'll be right there." I can feel myself calm down, just a little bit, after Yuri says that.
And now, I wait for Yuri to arrive.
I'm still sitting in my room when I hear a car - actually, a car - pull up by my house. I don't move, though. I can hear Yuri knocking on the door now, and she's smart enough to just open it. She probably realized that no one else was home.
I try to quiet my sobs when Yuri comes up to my room. I don't want her to see me like this, like some pathetic, suicidal girl. I start to wonder why I called her in the first place. I don't want to live.
I hear Yuri's voice, calm but panicked. "Jessica? What's wrong?" I feel her touch my shoulder, and I find myself buried in her chest, sobbing.
I can tell that Yuri saw my razor blade. It feels like she stopped thinking all together; hir body just seems like that. Then I feel her arms wrap around me tightly, and I feel secure.
I can feel her hands rubbing my back and our bodies slowly moving back and forth, calming me down. I can feel my tears slowing down. I can feel everything starting to slow down as Yuri rocks me gently.
I start to pull away, and Yuri lets go. I look at him through my watery eyes, and her expression just makes me want to cry more. She looks like she just witnessed someone beating a child.
She looks down at her hand, the hand that's holding my blade. I can tell that she's trying to figure out what to say, and she finally opens his mouth. "W-what is this for?" She asks, her voice shaking.
Strangely, I feel calm. "I'm suicidal," I hear myself say. As soon as the words come out, though, I want to take them back. But I can't. Yuri heard them. I can tell because her eyes are starting to water.
I open my mouth to continue, knowing that Yuri wants to hear more, to know more. "The divorce has been stressing me out, and I want to be able to believe in God like I used to, and I miss Krystal, and I want to be perfect like everyone expects me to, and I want to be happy again, but I... can't be. And it freaks me out, and I want to die." I want to kick myself because I basically said it all in one, run-on sentence. Jessica is supposed to have perfect grammar.
"Jessica," Yuri says. Her voice is still shaky. I feel bad, guilty for putting her through this.
"Y-you don't deserve this," I whisper. "I'm sorry." I look away from Yuri.
I feel Yuri take my hand, warmth spreading through it. "I need you, Jessica. You can't... I need you."
I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes. "Don't lie just because your girlfriend wants to kill herself."
I can tell that Yuri is trying to be strong for me, because she's shaking and trying to hold her tears in. "I'm not lying. Jessica, I need you. Please, please don't do this. Please don't feel this way."
Yuri looks at me in the eyes. Something about her expression makes me believe her, and I launch myself back into her arms. I cry and cry until I feel like I'm going to fall asleep.
And the whole time, Yuri is hushing me and my hair and my back and making me feel wanted. I'm not sure if I should believe her or not, but right now, I do.
I pull away from Yuri when I think that I've stopped crying, and tears are stained on her cheeks, too. I feel guilty again.
Yuri puts my razor blade in her pocket, then looks at me in the eyes. "Is this all that you have?"
I nod.
She pulls me into another hug. "What can I do to help?" She asks, her voice muffled.
"I don't know," I whisper.
We stay in our hug for a while, but I get tired and Yuri can tell that I'm close to falling asleep. "Can I stay the night?" She asks.
I nod. We both lay down in my bed, and Yuri is my side as I start to fall asleep. I'm glad that she doesn't notice the tears rolling down my cheeks, because I feel bad for making her so sad.
"I love you," Yuri whispers before I fall asleep.
I smile. "I love you too."
But then another tear falls down my cheek as everythings becomes dizzy.
I swallow quickly as the last pill falls from my hand.
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