Life was alright for me I suppose. I was successful, and I had friends and family that I cherished. People looked up to me and it gave me a feeling of fulfillment that I gave them something to look forward to. I lived comfortably with my hyungs, and found some form of joy in the simple things in life. I read, and wrote, and drew, visited to the beach, texted, all of the normal luxuries life presented. I told myself I was happy, or as happy as was possible for me. I plastered a smile on my face, even when in actuality my insides were mere moments from crumbling from the pressure. I wanted to be perfect, truly I did, and this search for what was essentially perfect was what led to this slow, crawling, self-destruction. It is my fault that I am this way? My hyungs say no, but the tightening of the little muscles in their forced smiles tells me otherwise.

Perhaps it is my fault that this seemingly great life of mine feels so unreal. Everything feels forced, as if I am looking through someone else’s life and I am only wishing for it to be my own. The only place I feel at peace now, is on stage. With the fans surrounding me with their cheers of praise, their tears of joy at hearing my voice, it is the only thing I feel has kept me tethered to this life of mine.

“Life isn’t always black and white,” My Umma use to speak to me when I selfishly refused to eat or work with her, which was very frequent. I never truly understood her until now, when my life is in a constant wave of gray turmoil. My heart feels stiff and frostbitten, slightly curdled, ready to crumple at will. Had she undergone this before? Did she ever experience this crushing gravity while she cared for me on her own? Honestly, I find it irritating and rather stupid to even bother thinking about. The past is the past right?

I may go on and on as I do now, but the truth of it all, is that my heart is the problem. My mind works fine, I am a mathematical genius after all; all of my muscles toned and healthy, my organs operated at optimum level every day, it was just my heart that was unwilling to move on its own. As much as I’ve thought about why, the cause of this still evades me, even while I watch happiness surround me. Laughter, smiling, joking, love. I obviously have all of these things within my grasp; at least I use to assume that. But now, while the pain of not feeling any emotion haunts me, it is clear to me that my heart hasn’t felt any of the simple spoils in this wonderful life for a long time. A very long time.

I use to be so attuned to the world, an active participate, when did my ocean storm over? Had I always been dropped to this deep abyss, or had I fallen and slowly sunken thus far?

 I can’t remember. It annoys me to no end that I can’t, and even more that I have no emotion to feel sad with.

“Kyu,” His gentle voice wafted to me in the form of a soft whisper, and I swear, it feels like the dark cloud that I had been brewing lifted instantly. I blinked, clearing the milky film that hung over my eyes, and focused, searching for his face in the small light that he always kept on, claiming it would one day save us from evil bunnies. When I found his eyes, those warm pools of brown, I sighed in content. Just staring into those eyes is enough to calm my deepest anxiety.

“Yeah Minnie?” I replied, why is he even awake? I knew that he had a heavy schedule later on, he needs all of the rest he can receive.

“Stop thinking about what I know you’re thinking about, okay?” Even as I’m worrying over how much energy he might have later for work, a small smile bubbles to my lips, and I pull his small frame closer, trying to feel his warmth even more. He always had a way of knowing my thoughts without me opening up. I appreciate all that he is.

My life has a meaning because of this smaller, yet older male.

“Mainhae,” I murmured, drawing a hand up his heated back to play with the tips of his newly bleached hair. He is entirely perfect to me, no matter how much his appearance may change. Those eyes of his still hold happiness when they stare at me; these arms that are pressed against my bare chest always hug me close, and have never pushed me away. He is accepting of me, with my addictive gaming and evil schemes. He is forgiving, when my words are harsher than expected, when I am unwilling to open up.

“Aish, there is no need to say sorry Kyubear. I just want you to stop your thinking. I know what is happening in that mind when you get that look in your eyes. I don’t like it.” My heart, which has found its function because of this man, burns painfully from his words. Any discomfort I cause to him, it is so much more harmful to me. I hate myself when I hurt him.

“Ah, ma-, “He gives an adorable glare, and I pause my apology. He really is too adorable for his own good.

“I just want you to smile. Always smile. Especially when you’re with me. I know in the past you were by yourself, and-and it-s hard to be with m-me. But I promise, you will never be alone again. I’ll s-stay here for as long as you w-want me to. Even after, I’ll continue to l-love and support you. So there is no need to feel sad anymore.” As quickly as the pain in my heart appears, it is replaced with something of much more caliber. He is always so emotional like this, and in the past, it had annoyed me to no end. I was incapable of understanding him because I did not understand myself. With time, I began to feel what he felt. When he speaks these words, I can feel his sincerity. I search for my voice as I move a hand to caress his wet cheek. Wiping away his slowly slipping tears, I smile.

“Sungmin, I will always want you. No one in this world can bring me so much happiness like you. Just waking up to you in my arms every day, I don’t ever want you to go. I promise I won’t dwell in the past anymore, I won’t have you worry, I will be the kind of man that you can lean on.” I do have my moments of weakness too. Sungmin, my sweet Sungmin, cries for a few more minutes, sniffling here and there.

“Saranghae Kyuhyun.” My heart nearly bursts every time I hear him say that, because he is the first person to say it to me. He is the first to mean it.

“Saranghae Sungmin and I lift up his chin softly just to peer into those watery orbs I love. His mouth is slightly parted, his lips looking plumper than usual. I pressed my lips against his, applying a soft amount of pressure in a close mouthed kiss. I could kiss Sungmin forever if I had the option, it made me feel so free yet attached, and it made me love and showed me that I was loved. 

Remember how I said I took part in the luxuries of life?

Sungmin was essential.  

Please tell me what you think . :D Kyumin forever. <3