Maybe it's because of the cold wind.   Maybe it is the wind that made these hairs stand. It's not that I'm being exagerrated or unrealistic and I'm very much sure I'm not drunk.. but it feels like all hairs you can see from two parts of my body are very much standing right now.   Hairs on my arms. Hairs at the back of my neck.   And I hate it.   I hate it with no reason though. Just, hate it.     Or maybe it's because of the night.   Maybe because of the night that made my sight visible but dark. Am I being confusing? I think myself too.   The darkness is creeping into me, slowly, like it wanted to swallow me whole, chew me like a bubble gum, and spit me out like I'm a poison.   And I also hate it.   I hate it with no reason too. Just, hate it.     And maybe it's because of the people.   Maybe it's because of the people passing in front of me right now is the reason why I can't lift my head up.   I don't know why, but I feel so insecure right now. So irritated. So intimidated.   I was never the type of girl who unintentionally gets so idiot in front of people.   I think it's not me anymore. Like some other soul had possesses my innocent body.   Everytime I'm on public, I always get this feeling that millions of eyes are all over me. I'm not some kind of idol to stare at, or some kind of a beauty to gawk at, even though I'm pretty sure I'm kind of cute but still, it's not an enough reason for two or three persons waste their time to someone random girl in Seoul like me.   I can't even do a proper order in a restaurant. I always stutter, and I always mistake my orders.   I don't even know the clothes I'm using anymore. As long as I see it first, that's what I'm going to use for the rest of the day.   I'm not even sure if I'm eating properly anymore. What I know is, as long as I'm not hungry, I won't eat. But lately, I lost my appetite which clearly explains why my friends keep on telling me how skinny I became after 3 years.     Yes, three years.     Three years. I've been in a relationship with this girl.     I used to be that girl who's so hyper and lively..   Until I met her,   Suddenly the whole me just changed 180 degrees.   And I don't know if it's right to blame her.       -----------       I don't know where the courage went from or I'm just being plain stupid again but it was too late for me to realize that I'm already standing in front of this tall building, which I'm pretty sure only the rich ones can afford.   It was all instict I guess, but I just found myself walking in straight to the lift where I pressed the number which I think someone sent me this morning.     I don't know what else to do to you anymore. I'm your friend and I love you so much even though I wanted to kill you right now. But go to this Harrison Tower and went on 86th floor, room 863 @ 8pm. I love you Tae, so much, I'm sure you know, and please keep on believing that.     It was a message from a best friend.   At first, I was kind of hesitating to do what she's ordering me to.   Honestly, it was the millionth time she sent messages like that to me.   Telling me to go to this building, at this time, and guess what..   Guess what why I keep on hesitating to follow her.     I always get my heart broken in the end.       But not tonight.   Not tonight where I felt so pathetic and disgusting.   I want the old me back. I want to go back to my friends. But it will never happen unless this odd feeling of mixed emotions I have in my heart vanish like dust. It's the only thing holding me back.    It's the only thing keeping me alive. And also, the only thing which I'm sure the cause of my death.   But I had too much.   I'm tired and all I want is a good rest.   A good end.       --------------       This is why I hate living into some kind of an expensive condominium where you have the hundreth floor as the highest floor.   It's creepy when you walk through the hallway.. especially when you have noisy shoes.   And the atmosphere, it's like ghosts have been residing here for years.   The colors of the wall, gosh, I really don't think these colors match. Honestly, I'm better than the interior designer.   Or maybe I'm just being bitter.   I don't know. What I know is, I am very much mad and disgusted right now.       Then I stopped.   I glance on my side and I saw this white door which has Room 863 glued against it.   It was about three minutes, I was just staring at the numbers, and I don't know why I just feel like staring at them.   I was three steps away.   With due courage, I took one step nearer.   And just one step...     I can already hear voices from inside.     Of course, I stopped going further.   I stopped going further because there's a part in my head that tells me that this may be a mistake and I'm just going to fool myself in the end. Or maybe it's because of the sudden wetness I felt running down my cheeks that made me stopped on my tracks.   But seriously? This? A probability of a mistake only? Who am I kidding?   This is the one hundred and three times I encountered this kind of .   Not that I'm keeping tracks, it just automatically scribbled in my head which made a bigger impact when it wrote down against the flesh of my heart.   Yes. And it hurt so much.   This is painful.     I swallowed hard, clenched my fist into balls when I took another step.   This time, I'm one step ahead.   And I almost punched the door until it open and not giving a damn on how much blood would spill from me.     I heard her voice.     And it was more painful when I heard the sound she made which I'm pretty sure, or pretty believe, that she only make that sound with me.   But not anymore.   Not anymore.   She used to throw that sound lately to other people and not giving a damn on the guilt creeping her every night sleep.   If she can still feel guilt. With all her cold soul, I don't think she can feel it anymore.     I was on the verge of turning back and just walk away when my phone vibrated.     You've gotta be strong Tae. This is all for you. It's not about her. Please, think about you, not her.     How should I describe it? A best friend's fighting spirit will and always will take a big effect no matter what.   It's your best friend. It's the one who stays by your side through good and bad s and yells curses at you constantly when you get stupid sometimes. But if like me, who gets so stupid all the time... I'm pretty sure my best friend already has this urge to tie me down and threw me to the Pacific Ocean.   I don't blame her though.   It was my fifth attempt of suicide last week. Thankfully, or maybe God still want me alive, my best friend always came on the right place at the right time.       -----------------       I'm definitely sweating a lot right now.   And it's air conditioned here but I feel shaky and hands trembling.   I heard the voices again and I shut my eyes close.   Can't you stop hurting me anymore?     After about thirty seconds of counting inside my head, I slowly opened my eyes and it felt so new again because of the wetness that kind of blurred my sight.   I lifted a hand and used the back of my palm to wipe the stained wetness on my face.   I swallowed one more time and reached something inside the back pocket of my jeans.   With the tight grip on the card I reached from my pocket, I took it near the sliding thingy. Deeply hesitating to use it.   Because deep inside,   it's not because I wanna know what's going on inside and who's inside,   it's not because out of curiosity or to figure something out,   I know..   Deep in my heart, I know what's inside and who's inside.   Who are we kidding? This is no new to me.   But this time,   I wanted to be freed.   I want to begin my life again.   And if it only takes for my heart to get shattered again, well I'm willing to. It's already shattered, there's nothing we can do to fix it.         -----------------         I slide the card.. and it made a loud click.   A loud click, together as the door slowly opening... and the voices went in silent.     And I saw it.     What am I expecting? A turn around? Of course, this is what's happening, and this is all happening in front of me.. Again, for the thousandth times.   And the pain is always fresh.   It's always painful.   And it's getting worse everday.     My eyes immediately went str