Note: Please read this chapter slowly. And do turn on the music, on repeat, please. The piece is a personal favorite of mine (fun fact: it was played at Chopin's funeral too).

Theme music: Chopin's Prelude Op. 28 No. 6

Yoona was an excellent head-giver, this Changmin had to admit. However, half-way through he felt no interest left, and so he asked Yoona to go and tape with duct tape.

Yoona obediently (and secretly excitedly) obliged, probably thinking it was some kink. But while she went to the bedroom, Changmin never came back. He had realized he needed air badly. Locking the door to the balcony so no one would disturb him, Changmin lit up a cigarrette, alone enjoying the sound of some angry Saint-Saens coming from the old gramophone.

“Feel better?”

“Yes, thank you hyungs,” Junsu said to Jaejoong and Yunho. Yunho took the bowl of porridge Jaejoong had specially made for Junsu, that the pianist had finished, away. Jaejoong remained by Junsu’s bedside, tucking Junsu in like a good dad.

“I think you should stay with us some more days. You’re not well yet.” The cellist said, full of concern. Junsu had taken a day off from school, and when Jaejoong came to check Junsu was high on a fever. It had been unexpected, as just the day before Junsu had just gone out on a (unofficial) date with Yoochun. Because the heater in Junsu’s apartment had broke, Yunho had come to fetch Junsu to his and Jaejoong’s place to take care of the pianist better.

“Sleep, Junsu. Hyung’s here for you.” Jaejoong carressed Junsu’s beautiful brown hair.

“I’m trying hyung, I’m counting sheep now. 300… 301....” Junsu said like a good child.

“Good,” Jaejoong smiled. “Sweet dreams. We all love you.” He laid a kiss on Junsu’s head.

“Thanks, hyung.” Junsu smiled, closing his sad eyes. The older man sighed. Despite the calm look, he was really puzzled as of what exactly had happened to Junsu, that had made Junsu not only physically sick but probably broken inside. He guessed it must involve that Shim Changmin, but that kid actually seemed to be quite decent – what could he have possibly done to Junsu? Anyway it must have been terrible. Jaejoong felt so angry and helpless for not having been able to protect Junsu.

Jaejoong walked out of the room, closed the door behind him. He was taking his hands up to massage his own head when the found two cool, soft hands doing it for him instead.

“Ahhh, this feels wonderful,” he said to his lover. It was dark but Jaejoong could perfectly picture Yunho’s gentle smile.

“Don’t worry too much. Junsu’s fine now,” said Yunho.

“Thanks, baby. That Shim brat must have done something real bad to Su. I should go and punch him.”

“’Really’, not ‘real’, baby. And no, you’re not going to punch Shim Changmin. It won’t solve anything.”

“I know,” Jaejoong sighed, “but still.”

“Come, let me hug you.” With that, Yunho pulled the more muscular man close to his own slender form. Jaejoong adored Junsu like his own dongsaeng and it must have been hard for him, to see Junsu so down. Yunho wished he could share all of what Jaejoong was going through.

Meanwhile, Jaejoong felt that with Yunho by his side, he could accomplish the mightiest of deeds. But of course, there was never a need for something so extravagant. To be able to remain together was enough, and anyway each had had to sacrifice a lot already. Jaejoong just needed Yunho, and nothing more in life.

“Now what do we have tomorrow? Should I accompany you to the tailor to get you a new suit?” He inhaled the lavender scent from Yunho’s hair.

“That’d be much appreciated. After all it’s the first time in years parents agree to see me. Shouldn’t let them think you don’t treat me right.”

“Too bad I can’t yet greet abeoji and eommoni Jung. They must still be hatin’ me for taking away their boy.”

“Don’t talk like you feel any guilt,” Yunho laughed. To Jaejoong this sound was better than music.

“Well I don’t and I’m not ashamed,” Jaejoong tightened his hold of Yunho’s waist, “It’s the best choice I’ve ever made.”

“Sweet-talker!”

“Don’t you love this sweet-talker?”

They shared a sweet kiss.

Junsu opened his eyes in the dark. He couldn’t sleep.

He had been counting sheep, but at some point he always forgot how many sheep there had been, and had to start all anew. He just couldn’t concentrate. Not with a broken heart and a broken pride inside him. He could almost feel the fragments still falling out, their sharp edges only cut him more and more.

He still couldn’t shed a tear, but his heart felt hollow, like how one would feel after crying their eyes out.

Junsu still couldn’t believe all of this, but it haunted him. Everytime he closed his eyes, he would see Changmin’s cruel smile when the young Shim talked about his on-bed merits. After all the time Junsu had tried to connect with Changmin on a spiritual level, all Changmin looked at him as was an exotic object… And yet Junsu had never realized. And yet he had aways hoped.

He felt horrible about having fallen for such a person. Inside the dashing looks and sharp wits was a rotten heart that only wanted to break Junsu, and yet even now he would still dream about Changmin of the days they had just known each other: Changmin defending him in class, Changmin holding his hand as they ran under the sakura rain, Changmin falling asleep next to him on the green grass, Changmin taking him away from Yoochun in the hospital, Changmin sitting quietly next to him when he played the piano, Changmin’s warm and secure embrace after they made love… But no, Junsu woke himself, there was never making love. All had been pure and lust for Changmin and Junsu felt stupid and used and disgusted with himself.

His mind went back to what had happened on Monday. When he had had to walk all the way back to Seoul, catching a serious cold in the process, Changmin had been warm and safe in that filthily luxurious apartment of his, having that girl Yoona performing ual acts for him. Of course. She was a woman and was more suitable to satisfy a man than Junsu ever could be. Junsu was male and it had been stupid of him to try to get a straight Changmin in the first place. He should have known that if there ever could be anything, it had been Changmin’s curiosity that had got him with Junsu, not any emotion. How could there have been any emotion?

But wasn’t it all his own fault? It wasn’t like he hadn’t known Changmin had already got a girlfriend, or actually, a fiancee. Of course Changmin only viewed this whole thing as a game, probably some sort of escapade. And yet at a point he had been stupid enough to hope Changmin would give up everything for him.

Yes, there had been that point. When Changmin had come to him that night, asking for a place to stay, hope had kindled in his heart – he had thought Changmin would be his finally. He had concealed from Changmin the fact that Changmin’s dad actually cared about Changmin, and the final disillusion was after all the punishment for him. Unlike him, Changmin had a family. Junsu never had dad or mom but he knew had he had them he would not give them up for anything. So of that Changmin had gone back to his family was only a matter of course. Especially when for Changmin, it was not only his family that was at stake here. There were also an incredible fortune and a glorious future in front of him. He had too much to lose if he chose to leave.

On a second thought, probably the idea of leaving his family had never crossed Changmin’s head. It must all have been an act of juvenile petulance to leave the house and coming to Junsu was just to spite his parents, and yet Junsu had hoped it was more than that. Junsu hated himself for having been too naïve and hopeful.

Junsu was sinful too, because he had agreed to be involved with Changmin when Changmin was still with Yuri. If Changmin could cheat on Yuri, his long time girlfriend, then of course Junsu was nothing. This was his punishment, one that was due and deserving for him.

But what was more than the broken heart, Junsu felt totally destroyed because his pride was no more. He had shown Changmin the deepest corners of his mind, of the way he thought. Changmin probably had had a good laugh about it all and the idea made Junsu burn with shame. Junsu had thought Changmin’s silence whenever they talked meant empathy, or at least, understanding. But no. Changmin probably had viewed him as a specimen of some kind of queer thinkers, and then laughed at him, thinking he was stupid. Like the way he had laughed at Junsu in that Ilsan place of his.

Like the darkness that was all around him now, Junsu saw in front of the present a thick, unpenetrable murkiness. He wanted the earth to swallow him, or someone to give him a pair of wings so he could fly away to some place where no one knew him. Only then would the shame let him alone.

At a point tears finally went out circling around his eyes, wetting the pillows. And yet Junsu had always thought he had cried enough for the whole life - turned out it was not time his tears could stop flowing yet.

It was good, too. At least, he could cry himself to sleep. Only the pain would still follow him to the deepest of dreams, and the only way to stop it was that he died. If only he could die.

End 39

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Also Jaejoong's wifey Diva Jung looks like this xD:

*drools*