Kyungsoo’s POV.

Nobody told me you were crying every night..

Nobody told me you’ve been dying but didn’t want to fight..

Nobody told me that you fell out in love..

 

Every night, I wake up feeling cold. As I open my eyes, I would automatically glance at the empty space beside me. To be honest, it’s been months already but I still can’t get used to the fact that I am indeed sleeping alone. Why am I still longing for the warmth of his skin against mine? After he acted indifferent towards me, that was when he started to sleep in the other room, telling me it was because he needed some space. Am I suffocating you that much?

 

It was Sunday, the 13^th of April, when I dreamt I was falling into the depths of a very dark hole. I woke up from that bad dream feeling extremely cold and catching my breath. As I put a hand to my temple, I accidentally looked into his side of the bed. He’s not there Kyungsoo. I mentally scolded myself for allowing him to leave but if this would help him find himself, then what is a little separation? I  would do anything for him.

 

As my eyes got used to the darkness, I heard that melody again. I knew it was him playing as a way of venting his frustrations and pain; the melody was a plea, a plea for me to let go.

 

If anything, I wanted to ease the pain he’s feeling, to be of any help to him. I wanted to tell him and make him understand that I’m still here, that I will always love him, that the Kyungsoo he loved before never left. But will it really change anything?

 

He cheated on me and I caught him not once or twice but a lot of times, but when he says, “I’m sorry Kyungsoo,” I still accept him with open arms. Why? It’s simple; because I love him. I don’t know why I still love him even if he’s making a big fool out of me. We’ve been together for three years, I gave up everything for him, I surrendered my all just for him, and what did I get in turn? Pain.

 

 

He was never like this before. Not until he met some guy--- the same guy I always saw whenever I caught him cheating on me. I’ve asked him many times what he found in the guy that he didn’t find in me and always replied with a “I’m sorry, Kyungsoo.” I never questioned his apology because he still stayed with me. His apologies blinded me, making me believe that he’s coming back sooner or later. His words made me hold onto him and I kept me from seeing that I was already on the edge of breaking down. I stayed. I waited.

 

 

People always said that it’s better for me to give up, that I do not deserve this kind of treatment, that the best thing to do is to look for someone else who deserves me better. I never listened to them though. I always put him above anybody else. I would only let go if he said the words himself.

 

He never said the words, so why should I?

 

But at the back of my mind, there’s always this nagging question: If he says, “Kyungsoo, let me go,” instead of “Kyungsoo, I’m sorry,” what do I do? Can I take it? Will it make him happy? But then, what about my own happiness?

 

 

 

It’s been so many nights, and I always found myself standing by the door of the abandoned room watching him. Every night, he’s here playing the very same tune. Crying, whispering something in the cold midnight air that I can’t decipher. The darkness of the night mixes with his sad broken aura. The silver light gives a very sad feel that accompanies the sad song he was playing.

 

“Jongin.”

 

And for the very first time amongst so many nights, I called his name. I was hoping that he’d look back and call me saying, “I need you Kyungsoo,” but that would be impossible.

 

“Jongin.”

 

And again despite of all my efforts not to walk closer and touch him, my stupid feet brought me closer. I could hear his ragged breaths. How long have you been here? I wanted to ask but I kept my mouth shut. He touched my hand that was on his shoulders. It’s as if his touch was saying, ”Don’t do this Kyungsoo.” Something in his touch has changed. His touch always told me that he was not leaving, that he’s all warm and reassuring but today, his fingers felt cold and unfamiliar against mine. Something was terribly missing.

 

He stopped playing and looked into the window. I didn’t know what got into me as the words just came tumbling out.

 

“I love you Jongin.”

 

I bit my lip and closed my eyes. Saying I love you was pretty normal but it just made this situation all the more complicated. Jongin didn’t need to hear those words at this moment, but I still wanted him to know nonetheless.

 

“I love you Jongin.”

 

And finally, he looked at my way. I almost cried when I saw his face. His eyes were bloodshot red, swollen and glistening with tears. How long have you been crying here baby? The urge to hold him and tell him everything would be alright was strong but I stopped myself. Kyungsoo, he doesn’t need you anymore.

 

I touched his tear stained cheeks and leaned closer for a kiss but stopped halfway. I pulled back and looked at him, saw his eyes closed.

 

He opens his eyes as he felt me stop. When he opened his eyes, I searched them for answers. Answers as to why things were like this, why everything seemed new and why this person in front of me was someone I didn’t know. This was not the same person as my best friend, my lover, my soul mate. Or should I say, this Jongin was not my Jongin anymore.

 

“I’m sorry Kyungsoo.”

 

He stoods up and I was left in the abandoned room with my choices hanging in my head.

 

 

****

 

The next morning, I was awakened by the smell of a strong aroma of the coffee that was brewing in the kitchen. Jongin’s already awake.

 

“Morning baby, I love you.”

 

I whispered in the morning air, hoping that my message would reach him and wishing that it would change things, wishing though I myself knew it to be impossible. I hope that when I see him this morning, he’s not the Jongin that I saw last night, lifeless, hurting, silently begging for me to let go. I was hoping for him to say that he still needed me, that he still loved me, and that he wanted us to stay together although we were hurting. To be quite honest, there are times I thought of letting him go. Sad to say, I know it would be the best option but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it yet.

 

I dragged my feet to downstairs where he was. He looked pretty normal this morning. All smiles pouring his cup with the freshly brewed coffee. His tanned skin accentuated the morning sun though you can’t deny the truth that he was crying all night. His eyes were still swollen and the dark circles in his eyes were too obvious.

 

“Morning Kyungsoo.”

 

He flashed that smile, that smile that never failed to make me fall for him more. But this smile was a little bit different. Even if he was smiling, I can still glimpse a bit of that pain.

 

“I really like the smell of coffee. It seemed to brush away all my fears and frustrations.”

 

I was just rooted on the spot, watching him as always. I wanted to slap myself and really open my huge eyes to see the truth and wash away the lies that I believed was blinding me.

 

“Do you know what the phrase ‘Wake up and smell the coffee’ means?”

 

I shook my head pretending to be oblivious and he chuckled.

 

“According to the website, it’s used for telling someone that they need to pay attention to what’s happening around them. We need to pay extra attention to the snippets of some situations. It’s not always a good day. Do you agree?”

 

I know he was doing this on purpose. I looked at him with his eyes closed sniffing the coffee, his fingers wrapped tight into the mug like he could break it into pieces.

 

“I agree, but I think you just have to see that there are some people who can wash away those fears and pain because..”

 

I stopped and looked at him, his eyes closed and his eyes were b with tears. Jongin, no.

 

“Kyungsoo, stop.”

 

I stopped when I heard him stand up, gently putting the mug down over the countertop. I was just there, rooted on the spot, watching him. Until when are you going to be blinded Kyungsoo? Until when are you gonna hurt him? I thought you wanted him to be happy?

 

"Jongin.. I--,"

 

"No. Kyungsoo, please."

 

I wasn’t able to stop myself. I ran to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. Back then, whenever I did this, he would turn back to me and apologize but now he gripped my arms firmly before saying, "Don't do this Kyungsoo. Please."

 

He stiffened as well, as if my touch hurt him. He slowly started to untangle me from him but I held on. I wanted him to feel that I’m still here, that I would listen if he wanted to, that I could take those hidden sadness away if he would just allow me to. I closed my eyes, pretending to not hear his plea. He gripped me tighter.

 

"Kyungsoo, please."

 

I still held him tight, thinking that maybe I still need to holdon, that maybe I am not holding tight enough, that maybe that short string of hope left in me could still make things better.

 

“ Kyungsoo, please don’t do this. Please.”

 

But as I loosened my hold, something between anger and pain clouded my mind. He was about to walk away from me. If I can’t have you, then no one else can. All coherent thought was gone from my mind. All I thought was I should make him mine and mine alone.

 

I pushed him to the table making the coffee mug fall to the floor, bits and pieces breaking with a loud bang. He was screaming below me to let him go but my mind was clouded by thoughts of possessing him in every way that I could. I crushed my lips violently into his that I bit his bottom lip and drew blood. My kisses weren’t those sweet loving kisses. It was primitive, carnal and full of lust. I pushed his shirt up and kissed him from his lips, to his neck to his chest going down to the most sensitive part of his body whispering mine, all mine.

 

“Kyungsoo.. ple—please.”

 

I ignored him, held his wrists up and pinned him to the table.

 

“Do you know how much I want you right now, Jongin?”

 

“Kyungsoo, no. Please.”

 

“Is he a better lover than me, huh?” I pulled his boxers down and toyed with him, his weak hands struggling to let go of my hold. He was bigger and taller than me but it was of no use. My sanity was long gone, and my brute strength overwhelmed his frantic efforts.

 

“Answer me Jongin!” His eyes were closed. My strong fingers slid into the hair at his nape and tugged it making him open his eyes.

 

“Kyungsoo, I’m—begging—you,” he said in between sobs. “Please, stop. Kyungsoo, please. I’m begging you, please.”

 

I stopped. It was like I was splashed by a bucket of ice cold water when I heard him begging. Never in the span of our three-year relationship did I hear him beg like this and now look at what I’ve done. He was full of awful red bites, his bottom lip wounded, his shirt slightly torn. His wrists were red as well and I’m sure it would leave bruises later. He was from the waist down, both limbs hanging from the table. He continued to cry even as he tried to cover his body.

 

 

For a second, I wanted to take back what I’ve said and done. But too late. Regret always came too late. I wanted to tell him I was sorry but what good would it do? I was blinded by selfishness and anguish and it made things worse instead of making them better. If only I had listened to him, this wouldn’t have happened.

 

Step by step, I walked closer as he continued to shake in fear. I looked helplessly at him when he put on his boxers and cried after. I tentatively reached out a hand but stopped midway when he screamed, “Don’t come near me or even touch me Kyungsoo!” He ran into his room, shut the door and locked it. I’m sorry Jongin, I’m really sorry.

 

 

 

****

 

 

Again, I woke up in the middle of the night, cold and desolate. The sound of my heartbeat and the midnight air was my accompaniment for the night. One thing is different amongst so many nights of waking up alone, I didn’t hear the familiar plea of the piano but I knew where he was. Just like so many nights before, he was in the piano room still.

 

“Jongin.” I called him. I notice he already stopped shaking but there was no answer from him. I didn’t try to touch him for if I did, I might do something reckless again. A minute of stupidity in exchange of something I will regret for my whole life? Not worth it.

 

“Jongin, I’m sorry. I was out of my mind a while ago. I was acting stupid. I’m sorry for jumping on you and for hurting you like that. You know I don’t want to hurt you in any way--,” He stopped my ranting by putting his fingers over my lips. His eyes looked at me, full of genuine concern and I shook my head. After what just happened, I did not have the nerve to look at him in the eye. He traced my lips and nose with one finger.

“I know you were not acting like yourself Kyungsoo. But you’re back now, so everything’s fine.” And he smiled at me.

 

“Can I ask you a question?” Jongin pursed his lips and I looked away.

 

“Look at me Kyungsoo.” I didn’t want to, but I did. I needed to see his eyes as I ask this.

 

If you love me still then stay, we could work together through this test.

 

 

“Do you still want me to stay?” As I dropped the question, he looked at me. I knew he was wondering why I was asking him this. He was looking at me like he was thinking I was joking.

 

“Do you still want to stay Kyungsooo?” I wasn’t expecting that he’ll turn back the question on me, since in my head, I was hoping to God he’ll say, “Stay, please stay.” But he didn’t.

 

“Jongin, I want to. God knows how much I wanted to. How much I prayevery night that we get through this. But I guess, this I just how it is.”

 

“What are you—“

 

“I wanted to show you that I won’t give up even if  you were already breaking down. I wanted to let you feel that I haven’t changed a single bit even if you did. I wanted to hold on ‘til the end but…”

 

“Kyungsoo, I’m—“

 

 

Or we could work through it apart. I just need to get this off my chest. Let me be the one to break it up.

 

 

 

“But I want to make you happy,” he was looking at me, mouth agape, confused as to what I’ve said. I closed my eyes, “so I’m letting you go.”

 

“Kyungsoo, you don’t have to do this. Look at me.” He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me but all I could do was look away. I didn’t want him to see me hurting. I’ve already caused him much pain as it is. Finally, tonight, I have made up my mind. I promised to make him happy, and the only way to do that was to set him free.

 

“A while ago, when I wasn’t using this thing inside my thick skull, I just wanted to scar you and leave a permanent mark on you. I’ve been blinded by the things I thought could still make you happy. I’m sorry for making it hard for you Jongin, I’m really sorry.”

 

“Kyungsoo—“

 

“No Jongin, you don’t have to. And you know what, so far I think this is the best decision I could ever make for the both of us.” I tried to smile but then I gave up and let the tears flow. It hurt, but not as much as I thought it would and when I looked at him, his eyes were already smiling even if tears were also streaming down his face.

 

“Can I hold you for one last time Jongin?” He nodded and I hugged him tight. This could be the last time I would be able to hug him so I just closed my eyes and let my feelings take over. This time, the warmth was back. I knew it was because he wasn’t suffering anymore, he was free. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, so if letting him go was the best option, I would always pick it over anything. It’s not cowardice to let a person go, but it’s accepting that the person would be happy in someone else’s arms and no matter how much it hurts, you need to keep going for your own healing.

 

But you should never lose that belief that someday, somewhere in this world, you will find that someone who deserves you. And you’ll be happy because you won’t be forcing someone else to love you anymore.

 

In life, there are a lot of twists and turns. One funny thing among them is that there are times you thought you have already found ‘the one’ for you and as such, you close your eyes to everything else around you, making you blind to everything else and making you commit the wrong choices.

 

That night, we slept together. We didn’t make love or kiss. We were just there facing each other and smiling knowing that this would also be the last night that we’re going to spend in one bed. I’ve decided to move out of the house by morning to make way for my own personal space. I can’t possibly move on and let go if I would still be here with him. Having said this to him, I knew this would be best for both of us.

 

So I’m telling you I love you one last time…

 

“I know this would be awkward but I still love you Jongin.”

 

“Thank you Kyungsoo, thank you.” And that was his last words before he closed his eyes to sleep.

 

I love you…

and goodbye..

 

-Fin

 

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